Secrets, Words and Hiding.....

This is probably going to be long. So I forewarn you.
Many who know me, know I keep secrets. Many, Many, Many secrets. Even Kyle I lived with for 12 years has told me that I am emotionally numb and share nothing and I withhold affection etc.
No one really knows me.
My aunt came and walked with me last week and she was really concerned about the things I keep bottled up and don't share. It's hard. I'm tired of it.

The reason I do it, has been proven to me over and over. You give someone a part of yourself and you let them in. Give them information thinking that you can trust them. Especially when that person is your husband. One fight and they kick all your personal stuff right back into your face.

This thing with Kyle... Way back when we spoke of getting divorced a year and a half or more at the zoo... Words can not be erased. The words he and others have said to me stick in my head. It was much easier being hit. Much. Pain was overwith faster and I wasn't left with the junk in my head.

Kyle on several occassions verbally has beat me down so bad that I was left in the bed crying for days. He knows this. He will admit to it. He has apologized for it. Sorry, may be a temporary fix, but it doesn't erase the words. Today, this morning was a perfect example of that.

He has made references more than once, about me being a bad mom. Those are the ones that hurt the most and I spend time after time after time in my head trying to replace the words I hear from him. Words from each fight stick out in my head. When Kyle and I first met. I had no computer. NONE. Zip. Zero. I was in an apt run by the battered womens shelter. I had No money. I hadn't a pot to piss in. I have journals and journals of me writing about how hard things were. How I had trouble every day just driving a mile to get Anthony from school. I have a disability. I have anxiety and panic disorder. It is real and it has slowly destroyed my life. He married me/dated me knowing this. I could not go to many school plays. I had no computer. I sat home, upstairs in anthonys window watching the cars go by, crying and writing in my journals about how I wish I could be out there. My computer Kyle was watching out that window. How many times when we were together did you come home and find me watching out that window?

We move out to Washington park. Again no computer. I still have trouble even getting my kids a block away. Sometimes on good days I take them bowling, we go out. Stuff like that. Not to mention the fact from the very day that I met Kyle I have been in severe financial distress. I tried working at Fantastic Sams... Tried and tried, but I got so dizzy that I kept almost fainting. Again... You think you were disappointed. Amplify that by 20000 and imagine the guilt I feel upon myself.
Sometimes at Washington park I would have a good day. I could walk up and down the walk way or do this and that. It took me 5 full years of going to the store a little bit at a time, to just NOW, just this year, be able to go and stay and not worry every aisle if I am going to have a panic attack and have to leave. Do you know what its like to panic going through the store? I think now you know. Good thing for you, yours was only temporary.

So....... Here I am. 20 notebooks deep in writing and watching out the window about how I can't do anything. I feel so much guilt because I can't give my boys the life they deserve. I sit and I cry. Cry. I have cried probably almost every single day. Not many pass when I do not. Depression. It's real.

So, back a few fights. Kyle and I were arguing. The personal attacks comes. The thing about that one that stood out other than the screaming. Is someone screaming at you...he was mocking me or what have you saying... "Oh I can't take savannah anywhere because, i might have a panic attack, I might get dizzy" It was done in the most hateful voice, whining like at at the top of his lungs. I hear it and I see it over and over and over and over. A few weeks later Karma came to bite him in the ass, he had panic attacks so bad and depression so bad, he could not get up off the couch. He would have them wake up throwing up. Do it for 12 years straight......... then you have someone make fun of you for it. It KILLED Me insdie. KILLED Me. to have someone who is supposed to support you take the thing you hate most about yourself and just throw it in your face. You know it's real. You know I didn't fake my anxiety disorder. I wouldn't throw away my whole entire life to get out of going to a school play.

Again Words....

So the time comes and we get a computer. Do you have any idea what a computer is like to an anxious person who not only has no money but no social life? It becomes a world opened up and someone to talk to.

I met my March Mommy group. From that point on I started playing the computer alot. Funny... nothing was said when I was watching TV all those years, it just happens when I socialize... Computer is used against me also. Those March mommies saved my life. I didn't feel like a nobody anymore. I was encouraged to get out and try stuff. Alot of them struggle with some degree of panic, anxiety and depression. Most of us suffer from extremely low self esteem. But the thing is, we all.....ALL are there for each other. Even after 7 years. Friends. Something I lacked before.

2 years ago I started playing Toon Town. That was also used against me. Again, people I had fun with and that made me laugh so hard. I have a husband that comes home from work and immediatley would sit on the couch and sleep. We watch a movie... He sleeps. No attention. I have blog entries from years back about how I wake up crying in the middle of the night and I am extremely lonely. I tried explaining this to Kyle. It did of no good. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. I was lonely. So I played Toon Town. Now, I play WoW.... It's like an extended family on there also. We have so much fun, laughing, goofing off...... and it's time I'm not spent crying.

So this last fight a few things stick out over and over and over and over. Words go swirling in my head that I have a hard time replacing. One is when he went to the refrigerator and said, when was the last time you put food in here? I rescued your sorry ass out of a shelter and somehow I wrecked YOUR Life? That line is the one that gets me the most... Im not sure if you thought you could be some sort of hero. First of all...... I wasn't in the shelter when you met me. I was in a housing program they ran, i paid 27.00 a month for an extremely, nice huge townhouse. YOU encouraged me to move to Washington park and get out of there so we could live together etc. You didn't rescue me. I was making it on my own. Did you think somehow you would change my anxiety attacks? If you haven't figured it out by now... its done with love, compassion and caring, not hateful words and not yelling at me. That made me worse.

The other thing is when he nicely walked over to my computer and said "Savannah isn't your world....... this is your world right there"
.... Maybe to some degree it is a HUGE part of my world. It was one of the first places I ran after that fight for some support from my friends. It is sadly all I have. Would anything be said if I watched movies all day? I'm confused on what it is I'm supposed to be doing. I clean ALOT... I take care of the house... What is it Im supposed to be doing?

Only few people know what I am going to write below. So to the rest of you SUPRISE... Things are that bad

You know, I have spent days and days off the computer. When you have a girl. Me. Who has no money unless she makes some from pictures, cleaning etc..... What do you expect me to do? How many times has your WIFE run out of gas taking Savannah to the bus stop because she didn't have enough gas to make it a block. Did you offer ever to give me any money? I think I recall in 12 years you have never given me money that wasn't asked for. Ever. And even asked for you have given it to me a few times. I'm not saying I'm miss perfect at all, but I'm giving my reasons of why it is I'm in the position I am in. Yet chastized for it. So every day for over a year and a half, my car has been on empty or below. What do you suggest I take the kids to do? No money, no gas??? Anthony and Juan are above board games. They want to be with their friends. The past 4 years I have made so many strides in overcoming this anxiety disorder. I haven't missed many school functions til lately when I have to pick and choose what to do because every time we get it the van we argue. I have come so far with my anxiety stuff. Im not fully there, but depression has now taken me over. This year I have been on the computer way more than others... One fact you didn't know is, it was to keep from arguing. If I am removed from the situation and focused on something else... I can not argue. We all have had enough in this house. Now I just go for walks.

When someone can monopolize a childs time, because they have money and resources to do so, it leaves another person feeling like total crap. So Kyle can take her to Six Flags.... He has gas to get there and money to do that stuff. I do not. I have 2 kids that do not have lunch money at all. They go to school and most of the time do not eat breakfast and then they go without lunch. They both come home and go to eat something. The good stuff is hidden for savannahs snacks or lunch.... so they eat whatever they want. Then Kyle gets home and a fight breaks out about they eat everything in the whole entire house. About the comment about putting food in the fridge, I went to the store more than you thought I did. I bought all the stuff to clean with. Every single bit of it. Let me tell you that stuffs not cheap. I went once a month and bought groceries.. I did what I Could. I worked my ass off just to be able to do that. Then to use it against me. I remember stuff being hidden food wise at my dads... but my mom never ever hid our food. I never got into trouble for eating anything.... So that concept of the fights that break out over my kids eating in this house make me stark raving mad and I had no clue what to do about it.

Stress. Anxiety. Words. Juans been wearing the same pair of old contacts because He's too afraid to ask his dad to buy them. The root canal costed a fortune. Anthony has had the same shoes for 2 years but doesn't even open his mouth to complain becuase he knows I do not have the money. The day before school, this year, he sat down in the rocker next to me and I was crying and he said "Momma, I don't need new shoes, I can wear these ones" no complaints. Nothing. It was a relief. I had done some senior pics, one set didn't work out... So the extra money I had been counting on, didn't pan out fully. Leaving me scrapped.

This past year has been awful for me. The mold made me really, really sick. It took away a year of my life, combined with anemia. Did I get up and move much? Probably not. Ever try anemia on? Combine it with anxiety and depression. There was a point earlier this year. First time ever in my life, I wanted to just take a bottle of pills and never wake up. That thought scared me, that things were that bad, that I had wanted to die. I figured my kids would be better off without me. Its hard to get your life straight when you have so much coming at you and more people throwing words upon words at you. That feeling lasted awhile and I apologized to God over and over again. I would never do it, but wanted to. I wanted to die. The guilt I feel about not having the money to take my kids out to eat or to fun places is extreme. It's easier to take one out than it is to take 3 out. Savannah and I have developed our own thing. Just because I can't monopolize her time with money doesn't mean I can't or don't love her.

Every day we sit around the table and pray together. Somedays she doesn't wanna say prayers, but I will say mine and usually she will come around if I bless the geeky dogs and she will combat my geeky dog prayer with her, good dog prayer. We have been praying together for years. It's just not something I share with anyone. I didn't ever know that I had to. I thought they were private moment shared between a mother and child. Til the time comes when comments are made about how nothing is done with the children.

Savannah and I every day sometimes the boys write little notes on the board to each other. Juan, I sneak into his back pack and write him notes to have a good day or I hope that he's doing okay. He has anxiety attacks at school. So I figure it might put a smile on his face to see a note from mom, being goofy. Lately I schedule my walks at times I know Juan will be out.... Me and Savannah start out and we walk. We sing a song and dance down the block. I drop her off at jannas to play with her and the twins. On my 2nd time around, I see Juan off in the distance, I start to smile as does he.... we make goofy comments from a distance... then as we get closer we hug each other and love each other. Just a moment between us. I look forward to them. Then Savannah on my trips around, I stop and hug her and we share gum. Little things that are free.

Every morning this summer, I would wake up before Savannah and I would kiss her on her head, sometimes pick her up and hold her. Rock her. We would tell each other stories. Again Loved her.

Anthony and I have a music connection. He sits at the kitchen computer and I at the living room one and we will discuss songs, he will play his guitar and I will tell him my feed back on it. Anthony has a pretty tough wall up. A lil harder to joke and cut up with. He doesnt wanna do much with me anymore. If i ask him to go to the store or something, hes like no way. Hes got chicks, my space and joe satriani to contend with.

A comment was made during the last fight, about how one day savannah didn't have lunch and she had called kyles mom and his mom wanted to know why that baby didn't have lunch.

Funny, the one day I probably didn't make lunch, i get chastized for. Forget the 20 million i have made lunch for. Also funny about how nothing is ever said about the 2 that do not have lunch every single day.

All this comes from this morning.... Savannah is sick, fever, stuffy nose etc. In the middle of the night she had wanted to sleep with me so I took her in my bed. He walks in to check her forehead...I make a comment something like......What I can't see if my own daughter has a fever? He was just checking her head, but words all the words about me being such a bad mom....... My defenses kicked in. I got to find some way but the words are so powerful.

I know I'm not a bad mom. I have been here every day for my kids. WHen they get home from school, when they wake up, when they go to sleep. I have been here. I don't have the money to show them that way, but I do a ton of little stuff to show them that I do indeed love them. Just because I don't share everything about myself and for good reason. Doesn't make me a bad mom. You ever see the way the kids flock around me when I pick up my sketch book and pencils? They all get excited because I do draw well and they wanna see what Im doing. Savannah drew an I love you on the board to me and had a girl crying and I said savannah whats that? She said I love you and I drew you crying because you always are. I just want you to konw I love you so you dont cry anymore. Was sweet. When I cry about money, she's going to get her piggy bank and telling me I can have hers.


Sweet Savannah. The thing she says most about her in her prayers is for a real family to sit down and eat at the same table. So I make it a point now to eat 1 meal with her at the table. We have never ever sat down as a family to eat dinner. Ever. I can't recall a time.

Kyle and I both agreed that I would be a stay at home mom with Savannah. That's a sacrifice parents make both ways. Even then, I had to come up with my own money. I babysat, I cleaned. I remember at one time, i was making more than Kyle. Went to the grocery every single week, never asked him for money. When I had his car out would fill it with gas. Thats what a marriage is about. I never once complained about it. I bought all the kids shoes, i bought their toys. ALL of it. Paid half of every single bill. Paid half the rent. It even bothered Kyle at one point that I made more money than him. I never ever complained about picking up the extra stuff.

I think thats why they throw the line in the marriage vows about for richer, for poorer, for sickness and in health, in good times and bad. They are there for a reason because sometimes in marriage you do have to carry the other person.

The year I get sick and can do nothing, I am sailed down the river. Funny how the years I took more than my fair share of responsibility are forgotten. The worst year of my life being sick and broke is the one every one will remember. Unfortunatley I had no one to help me out. My mom did what she could do within reason. I was only allowed to sink. I'm not sick anymore. I have a good handle on panic attacks and I have an excellent support system. I have no doubts that I will be okay and never again will I put myself in such a vulnerable situation.

Words hurt. Id rather be punched in the face.

So off to try to dispell every bad thing I have heard with a good one....

All from an innocent fever checking.

If you get this far you need a cookie or something.

Happy Monday
Love
di

Long Day

Lots of paper work. I signed my name sooooooooooooo much, my hand actually hurts. Divorce is filed. We have to complete FIT class (families in transition) then once the court is sent the paperwork that we attended the classes with the kids, the paper work goes to the judge and poof done.
I go on November 1st. Kyle hasn't made his appt yet. But we can not go on same day.
Not much else going on. That took literally ALL day. I'm wiped.
Came home, made some phone calls. Exercised. Now sitting on my butt. First time I Have sat down to relax all day. May go soak in the tub.
Happy Um Friday.
Love,
Dizie

Hmmm

I'm numb emotionally. Just got home from lawyers. Some people I don't see how they lay their heads down at night on a pillow to sleep. You have 2 kids that basically starve 5 days a week. 2 kids that have nothing at all.. Clothes, shoes... they get from others. Then you take and throw a big curve to the one that is trying to do what she can to help the 2 that are going without so much.... Maybe that is why you have so many anxiety attacks at night. I couldn't sleep with myself either....
Thanks.... Thanks... and Thanks again....
Hope you have sweet dreams and you lay your head on your pillow tonight with a clear conscious....

=)
What comes around......... Goes around...
Like clockwork.

Tuesday Evenin

Doing alot better today. Tired as all get out, but much better. Yesterday wasn't a complete wash out. I went for an extremely long walk yesterday. LONG. There is this very old couple. I have to say they are in the 80s or there abouts... they were walking up and down their drive way. I stop to talk to them quite frequently. I always tell them I can't wait to see them hitting the road. Well.....Yesterday I come around the corner and see them on the road walking down the street. I stop and talk to them and the old man has something tucked under his arm. I say WOW you did it!! he pulls out this LARGE chilled bottle of whiskey and I say "what you got there?" He says "Honey this is my joy juice, when i get to the end of the block, I'm gonna need a few shots to get back home" Totally made me LOL!
Then an hour later, Savannah and her friends were walking with me. There's this little girl named Haley. She is absolutely adorable. I am walking telling Savannah to stay out of the road and such and giving her instructions. Haley says "Savannah you are lucky to have such a nice mom" I said well Haley I'm sure you have a nice mom too. She looks at me with these sad, sad eyes and said "My mom didn't want me when i was born, my aunts pass me around when they are tired of me I go to a different aunts" Broke my heart. Very, very sad. She's so sweet. Sigh.
Tonight I guess I'm gonna play on the net for a bit, get work I have been avoiding done. Just do stuff. We have appt with the lawyers at 12:15 and then the big appt friday. Wish me luck.
Happy Tuesday!
Love,
Di

Mood owooooo

I'm in such a foul mood. It started last night and just so much anger build up and I don't know how to get rid of it. It's like I go through these periods after every fight and the words beat me down so bad where I am a zombie for a week and now I'm so angry I'm shaky. Gonna be a long day.
I need to clean today. I have no desire. I can't keep up on this house. I'm exhausted beyond belief. I'm still exercising,but yesterday I had to force myself every inch of the way.
Had to take Juan yesterday to finish yet another root canal. Grumble, grumble.
Kyle and I are throwing emails off to one another. I'm getting mad. I should just stop. I know I need to stop but holy fuck I'm so mad I'm in tears.
I can't go into full details on here of how bad things really are because it's not fair so I will vent in email to my girls. But God.
I wanna just hit the wall. Just punch it over and over again til this hurt and anger just passes. Make my hands feel as bad as my insides do. I can't make the internal pain go away. But I wanna feel it on the outside.

Lil update

Have gotten a lot of emails and stuff from alot of my readers... Thanks so much for your support and encouragement. You guys are truly the best.
Givin a lil update... Things are going suprisingly well for me. I am happy. I think alot of that is due to the exercise. I had written a friend of mine a really sad email about just at the end of my rope and he said to me "workout/exercise" he was right. I haven't missed a day in 26 or more days now. Not a single day. So thanks for that recommendation. =) I actually get nervous when I don't go... I feel like somethings unfinished.
Juan had a toothache, blah, blah, blah... lots of money... antibiotics and dentist visit... I guess it's fixed for now. Finish up his rootcanal on Monday.
Savannahs hair has been cut. Looks adorable.
Anthony is biding his time and saving any penny he can for the new guitar hero.
Opie and Claire are enjoying long walks, cool breezes and chasing balls in confined spaces.
Um... not much else to update... Doing well all things considered.
=)
To everyone that keeps me on that track.. you are loved and I appreciate you more than you will ever know.
Love
Nanners

Frustrating day I spose'

Why Oh Why school is out so much is beyond me. My kids have been off since Friday, this coming after they were off a week from the hurricane. Normally, I don't mind. I love having them around. But, after the big altercation the other day, I haven't had a chance to unwind. Had they gone to school yesterday I would've spent the day crying and getting over what happened. I'm mentally drained. I need a few breathing seconds. Dishes, dogs, laundry... I woke up to a disaster this morning and I Just wanna sit down and relax and kids, kids, kids. Savannah has these neighborhood kids she plays with, so from the time she gets up its constant, non stop ... mom i wanna see alyssa and Leah. Not a break.... So today the anxiety attacks hit ... i have a 3 day window, panic stays away for 2 or 3 days after the stressful situation, then it unleashes upon me like no other. I have had panic attacks in waves all day... No place for a quiet spot. I'm tired. So I guess I gotta ride out the storm of anxiety, get up and finish cleaning, have the kids mess it all up again......... Keep the prayers coming.
I'm spent.
Love,
Dianna

yesterday = mess

I won't air dirty laundry on here because frankly it's not much I'm proud of and it would serve no purpose really. But yesterday has to be one of the single worst days of my life. Was horrible, no good and very bad.
Most of the family knows... if not you will in a second... Kyle and I haven't been getting along for 2 years or so. Alot of arguing, alot of hostility and overall a horrible environment for the kids. No one person to blame, we both have contributed to things that have gone wrong. Yesterday reached a point that opened my eyes very hugely that we can't live in the same house and try to make nice until things are settled. We go on the 17th to submit our divorce to the courts. This isn't new, we just haven't told a whole lot of people, but those who are close know the extent of our problems. So I'm not really sure what will go on, who will go where, how it will go, but changes are being made. So keep everyone in your thoughts and prayers and most of all 3 children who were extremely hurt and scarred by yesterday and it shouldn't have happened. So keep prayers a coming that they can heal up.
Love,
Dianna

Ipod Panic

Anyone who knows me, knows I am not a materialistic person by ANY means. I have very, very few things that are material that I cannot live without. My picture of my grandma, a shirt Jennie gave me and we trade it off every time we meet up, my broken toy soldier ornament and my IPOD. My beautiful friend Lois got it for me, I can't remember why or what or whatever the case. Anyways she gave it to me last year. Ever since then, it hasn't left my head hardly at all. I do not watch TV, very rarely. But my Ipod is my thing. This morning panic set through me. I couldn't find it. I was in tears after 45 minutes of looking for this thing. Every song on there, that means something to me.... My life...AUGH!!! Aunt Carol and I were talking on Saturday about furniture division....my words, take my TV, Take my furniture, just do not take my Ipod. I will sit on the floor.
A nice prayer to St. Anthony.... THE BEST Saint ever... I found it =) some place I had looked 1000 times already. Such relief. So that made my whole day.
I keep looking over at it to make sure it's still there.
For the first time in a long time, I'm filled with some hope.
It's a nice feeling.
Happy Tuesday.
Love
Dianna

Oh Boy.....

Okay, For future reference, I will keep in mind, when having an obscure dream, it's best just to keep it to yourself....
We have all had intimate dreams at one time or another...Mine just happened to involve Jimmy Walker and when I looked at him, there was the teeth, and he said DYNOMITE. I woke up out of a dead sleep after he said that. It freaked me out. Of all people to come be in my dream, Jimmy Walker....It's understandable when it's Brad Pitt or Hugh Grant. I have been teased and teased over the past few days about my um dream choice. Thank you for all the kind words and pictures. Some are very creative with their art work. Don't forget, I have photo shop and I'm not afraid to use it.....
Have a happy Tuesday....Have a DYNOMITE Tuesday...
Love,
The new Miss Jimmy Walker =) LOL
Di

It's Monday!!

Kids are FINALLY back to school after the hurricane stuff. YAY!!! I went out shopping for a bit... Came home.. cleaning. Been doubling up on the iron but my iron is still not up. UGH, it stinks. Did nothing all weekend. Went to moms. Did some haircuts. It feels like I never talk to an actual person, I had better start calling people so I don't forget how to speak!
Played chutes and ladders with Savannah yesterday. She wouldn't play with me again because I won. I tried and tried to lose, but I kept landing on ladders and her chutes. Basement is still a work in progress. UGH.
Did I mention school back in? YAY!!
=)
have a great Monday all. Happy First day of FALL!
Love,
Dianna

My Grandma

My grandma passed away awhile back. Some 17 years or more ago. As my adult years roll on I find myself missing her more and more. So much. Today, Kyle and I had a huge argument, I threw my phone against the wall, I really never throw things. I think it's broke, I don't care. Either way I just sit here at the computer crying and crying. Have been for a few hours. She pops into my head alot. She never yelled at me ever. Not once. That's the thing that I miss the most, her kindness and love to me. She never judged me, never did anything but love me. She used to always ask me to go to church with her, but I don't why I didn't. I don't think I was old enough to drive. I don't know. Whatever the case, I would give my eye teeth to just go to chruch with her once today. The time I remember the most about going to church with her, whoever was driving us, we were in the car and we laughed so hard, I dont even know over what. But we were laughing and laughing. We had gone to McDonalds and I spilled hot chocolate all down my chest. I had this huge stain and figured we would have to go back home. Instead she took me into the bathroom, turned my shirt around backwards and gave me her good sweater. We walked in and we were joined elbow and elbow and she was taking me all around showing me to everyone under the sun. Her face was just beaming with pride. I remember after Sunday School she came got me and we went into the church for the sermon. During it, she picked my hand up and kissed it and then just continued to hold it through the service. She hugged me afterwards and she always smelled so good. It's now that I just wanna go to her and have her kiss my hand and hug me. My heart is absolutely broken because I miss her so much. She was my safe spot. I just love her. Unconditionally without question love her and miss her every day. So today when things are so bad, I just wish to go see her. Just for a second see her and just smell her, feel her arms around me, kissing me on the cheek. Kissing my hand. The things we take for granted in daily life.... the thing I miss most.
Her.
My constant.
Love,
Di

Hello, Hello, Hello!

Trying to update at least weekly. Gets hard to do. We had the hurricane winds and OOF, they cancelled school all week. Oof and oof again. Everything was a mess. Nothing really going on here. Same stuff, different day but with nicer weather. Today I cleaned my house for ummm 7 straight hours. I'm beat. My legs are killing me. I moved furniture and what nots. Getting ready to go to sleep. I'm pretty exhausted. Boys are doing great, Savannahs doing great. Everyone is doing good. I'm doing okay too!! Can't complain!
Happy Wednesday
Love,
Di

Howdy!

Haven't updated in awhile. O.o
Not too, too much happening. The other day a bat was stuck on the back of my car during day light. Freaked me out pretty badly. Gross. I have pics, I'll have to post. Juan has been doing really well at going to school. Grades are really good. Anthony I haven't seen him bring a book home yet, so we shall see how he is doing. Savannah doesn't like school much. Yesterday she went to school all day, got home at 4:45, had to be whisked off to dance at 5, came home about 7:30, Kyle was trying to help her with her homework and she just sat out there crying. She was so tired. I got mad and said she could do it in the morning. No need in having her cry. She hit the pillow and fell asleep.
My iron is way, way low. Boy, I feel it. I made the grand error of running out of iron and couldn't get any til recently. Oof and oof is it low. I can't describe it, it's like I can't breathe, if I get up to walk my muscles ache and the biggest indicator, bad leg cramps at night. I got some a couple weeks ago and have been double dosing but it takes 6 weeks. I need my energy back and really have to make an effort to keep iron.
Other than that stuff, nothing to report.
Happy Tuesday!
Love,
Di

My lil baby boy

This is how he slept this morning =) Melts my heart. He is just the best dog in the world. I love him.
Happy Tuesday
Love,
Di

Friday Friday!

Happy Friday everyone!
Haven't felt like writing or talking to anyone really.
Everyone's good tho.
Happy Friday!

Happy Sunday

We all have been sick. Juan and Savannah both missed some school time last week. Is it allergies, is it funk? Me n Savannah ran a fever. Um.......nothing else going on. Cleaned this morning, feel a bit dizzy. I wanna move out of the ohio valley. I wanna go to Arizona, smack dab in the middle of the desert with the dingos, the scorpions, tarantulas......I'd take them all to get out of the muck we live in. Gag.
Love
Di

Ragweed

Good Lord have mercy, I didn't even have to check the weather to know that ragweed is in. I'm coughing, sneezing, eyes are bluchy. I feel miserable. Just to make sure it wasn't something else went to the pollen page and sure enough ragweed is very high. I have been off and on dizzy again. Grr. Since last September was the date I first got the dizzy virus, I am paranoid of that date coming up. Makes no sense at all, but it was that miserable that I do worry about it.
Anthonys birthday was on the 14th, we had to stay at moms had no power. Stress. Gotta love it.
Happy Saturday
Love,
Di

Bad Mood

I am in such a bad mood today. So much little stuff annoying me to death. Juan 2nd day of school already gone to missing the bus. Threw his school papers all over his room. Didn't bother to do his homework, as long as he is outside with "Chris who is home schooled COUGH COUGH" He wants to quit school when he is 16 to go into the lawn care business like Chris and his dad. So he doesn't need school. I wanna move away from here. Far, far away. I can not wait til that happens. Anthony liked shcool but lately is hateful as hell to everyone. Constantly screams at Savannah, if he is asked to do something goes off. Totally out of character. One thing I have noticed in this house is everyone thinks I should do everything. All of it. I had been keeping the laundry done every day and put away. The dryer broke. I can't get to the washer anymore. My basement has been turned upside down since June and nothing has been put back together I can't get into the room down there. All my stuff is down there. Someone looked for socks in there and instead of looking in the basket, what the hell, they just dump it over onto the floor. What's it matter I will pick it up. It will probably be 2010 before the toilet is put back in down there. It's in the bedroom down there. I wish I could do that stuff myself. It's frustrating. Everything is.
Happy Whatever Day it is
Love
di

First day of school

Uncle Mike

Uncle Mike passed away this morning. It's very sad and I'm not really sure what to write. You take the nicest person you know and multiply it by 1000 and that's what type of person he was. Him and Savannah had a very special bond and not having him in her life growing up, is going to be a big loss for her. He loved showing her things. When we had come down to fish, his face would light up.
For those who do not know, he recently had been diagnosed with Colon Cancer. They did some treatments, it worked for awhile. It came back. He had surgery. Not sure what happened, at some point he went into a coma and passed away.
Savannah had a time capsule at her first birthday party. Everyone to leave her messages for when she's 18. I got the box out this morning and got out Uncle Mikes
It said........
Savannah,
Happy 1st Birthday!
By now you are driving, graduated from high school and planning for your future! I am 65 years old and probably gray haired, fat and retired! Ha! I enjoyed your 1st birthday party! You had a big time. Alot of your friends and family were there. We enjoyed playing balloons and the plastic ducks.
Enjoy life! Have fun! and be safe
Good luck with the future
Love, Uncle Mike

The pics above, for most of that day he took her around showing her things, playing with the ducks. He loved showing her things.
He will be missed.
Cancer sucks.
Love,
Di

Tuesday

Tired on Tuesday. Not much happening. Have cleaned all morning but now am so exhausted I don't feel like I can move. I have been out of iron for awhile now and can't get any. I think my anemia is creeping back up. Esp after I bled for a few days with my tooth. Quite a bit even. I just sit here and my eye lids are so heavy. Gonna need some sleep for sure. House is all cleaned. Trying to make do without a dryer. With 3 kids, not easy. That's about it. All kids are ready for school. I'm ready for them to go back. I'm ready for the basement to be finished. Okay have a happy Tuesday.
Love,
Di

Monday Morning

Howdy on Monday. I got my tooth pulled Friday.. Was scared, but did it. Was very sore for a couple of days, but today I can't even tell I had it done. The worry over it was worse than the actual process.... Everything is good and calm here. We have a fairly new dryer like 2 years old. It broke... Annoying.

Happy Monday

Friend-
1. A person whom one knows, likes and trusts
2. A person whom one knows, an acquaintance
3. A person whom one is allied in a struggle or a cause, a comrade


Love,
Di

I'm a coward

It's summer....It's hot... I'm tired. I'm not feeling as good as I was when we came home from moms. Starting to just get plum wore out again.
Have to go have a tooth extracted Friday...I'm scared to death... I Have to have it done, it's bothering me a great deal. I don't understand why I have no courage. Sometimes I wish I could go see the wizard myself and he would give me some medal that would just make me brave. I'm so frozen by fear. I just sit around and think all the time at what I could be if fear didn't hold me down, but I can't seem to get out from it's grip. I don't know what to do. Sigh. It makes me terribly sad. The dizziness is starting to come back, I guess that I am going to have to accep the fact that I am probably going to be dizzy the rest of my life. The thought just kills me. The allergy pills aren't working, I'm always congested.. We live in the worst place in the world for allergies.

I hate the dizziness.... I just don't understand why it won't go away. I have been sleeping sitting up for a year. The one week I lay down, I have to go to the hospital with dizziness. HATE IT.

Ugh.

Love,
Di

KFC now with lesser sodomy??

Let's see if I can do this without laughing. My son wants to know what sodomy is..... " I can't tell you that around Savannah" Anthony says, "Well it's not like it's bad you see it on TV all the time on commercials" ... "where???"
Anthony..."you know the KFC commercials, their chicken now has less sodomy?"

Me thinks he needs to be taught proper pronunciation of Sodium... Making mental note!! Owooooooooooo!

and Owoooooooooooooooo!!!

and owooooo

Love
di

ugh

Sup'

It's Tuesday!! Feeling a bit better today. I have had some sort of cold/allergy thing going on. Migraine. The migraine stinks but this time it was off and on and not constant which is okay for the most part. Yesterday I did not clean... GASP... So after I wake up this morning some, I am going to give the house a good once over.
The dryer tried to eat a sock, thank God we caught it before the motor got burned up. Um.....nothing else exciting to report. All is dull and boring and I like it! =) hope everyone is having a great summer. Almost 1 month til school starts!!
YAY!!!!! I'm so happy!!!
Love,
Di

Howdy!

Not too much goin on. =) house is clean, laundry is done. I'm tired. Savannah kicks me all night long. So, last night wasn't very easy on sleepin. Life right now is pretty boring and I am soaking up every single inch of it. Went to moms on the 4th for a cookout. Was nice and relaxing. Watched movies. Just plain nice. Took some pics but don't feel like editing them just yet. So I'll share later.
Happy Sunday!
Love,
Di

Happy Fourth!

=) Happy Fourth!! We are heading over to my moms for a cookout and maybe to my aunts and maybe a couple other places. Not sure where we will end up. I'm kinda tired. Got up and cleaned imagine that. If I dont maintain even one day it will get out of hand, so that means every day spend 2 hrs maintaining. I made a bunch of cookies last night and got everything for today done last night. That's really about it. Nothing much happening and I like it =)
Enjoy your holiday and be safe
Love,
Dianna

Happy 3rd!

Just sat down. Beat, beat, beat!! I got up maintained what I had been cleaning all week. Went to Walmart got some stuff for tomorrow. Came home cleaned. Sat down played computer for a wee bit then got back up making dinner and just finished mopping floors. My eyes are so heavy from exhaustion. Owooooooo! i got some new swiffer Lavendar and they kinda made my allergies act up. I really don't like the smell either. Not as pleasant as the box says. Creepy smellin. Got a busy day tomorrow. Im glad. Laundry is all done. =) covers and sheets are all done. Gonna make some gluten free cookies in a few to take tomorrow. That's about it. Nice and dull just like I like it :) Happy Thursday.
Love,
Di

July!

I didn't even realize that it was July! Happy July! Didn't sleep very well last night at all. Had alot of anxiety off and on. Went to bed a lil after 10 didn't fall asleep til after 1 am. I really worked my butt off yesterday. I am really working my butt off today. Boxes have got to be carried upstairs and onto the patio, furniture has to be carried out of the basement. They are going to remodel the bathroom and that means drywall dust and muck all over, then comes the carpet people and we can't have anything downstairs. Sooooooo alot of work. I am trying to get it done one step at a time, but I'm petering out. Everytime I ask the boys for help I get a TON of lip and frankly I am pissed off about that. They should help. I need to take a shower, but used all the hot water washing sheets and blankets. So waiting on that. Haven't been on computer very much at all. Just to check mail. I don't miss it.
I do however miss my TV Land. Leave it to beaver, the beverly hillbillies. 5 tvs in the house and I want to watch a program I get nothing but whining and complaining. Savannah won't leave my side. I'm just ready for school to start and some peace and quiet. I need some.
Okay Have a happy July.
Love,
Di
PS added some new old photos to my photo blog. If you haven't seen them they are new to you :P ha ha!

Evening

I'm stressed. Just seems like no peace. My chest always hurts, my hearts always fluttering. Stress. Bird boy moved out, they were living with the grandma. I was so excited. No more psycho bird boy. Okay, the daughter moves back in with the grandma, has a lil girl named Katy....Okay seems nice enough.......... UGH, I am sitting out back tonight, the dogs want out, I let them out..... What do they have??? Pit bulls. My jaw is still on floor, i can't deal with anymore shit. They all start fighting that dog looked like it was going to come over the fence. I mean he was going at opie..... So now, Savannah still can not go outside, now nor can my dogs. I just don't know what kind of life joke is being played on me. I really do not. I don't find it funny. I am going to have a heart attack for sure. No let up ever.

Howdy

Been awhile since I last updated. Not much has changed. Had some sort of weird virus all last week, fever, achey etc. Mom had it too, not sure what it was, but it's letting up thank God. Just came upstairs from cleaning the basement and my eyes are watery and I'm coughing. I really don't need to be in all that muck, but there really isn't anything I can do. Gotta get it cleaned up before they tear it apart, then I will have to redo it from dry wall dust.
I scrubbed mine/Savannahs room last night really good and sat down for a second about 8 oclock and fell plum asleep. Tried doing landscaping yesterday. Some people have their calling, landscaping is not mine. I don't enjoy it and I'm not any good at it.
That's about it on updates, Kids are running me to death crazy, but school starts soon =) I am so glad, I miss my peace and quiet in the days.
Okay Happy Tuesday!
Love
Di

if anyone is interested

I updated my photoblog Di's photo blog

My baby girl

Lost in a sea of stuff

Trying to organzie stuff. UGH, I want to have a yardsale but UGH I don't. Too much trouble, too much hassle. Fixing to list a ton of stuff on Freecycle again today. It's such a good program. I go downstairs and look and just don't know where to start. Twin sheets, full sheets, games, old clothes.... I just don't know where to start. I really, really don't. Started on the sunporch yesterday. Half finished it. So many 3 and 4 T clothes. I wish lil Evangeline was old enough to wear them. There's easily 1500 dollars worth of nice clothes just sitting. I need to just start but when everything is disorganized, I don't know what to do. We need a dumpster. Badly. Just wanna pitch so much stuff in the dump and get it out of my bair. Get rid of things that I do not use, nor will I use. We have no storage for anything and we just need stuff gone, gone, gone Whoa whoa whoa.
Any ideas on organizing?

Owoooooo

tis the time for getting rid of stuff. I rejoined freecycle and getting rid of stuff out of the basement one by one. We have to have the whole basement recarpeted, tiled, what have you. Got burnt pretty badly yesterday, spilled boiling water down my chest. Hurts pretty bad, blistered, etc. Went to ICC yesterday and they put silvadene on it, which is a big No no since I am allergic to sulfa drugs. It itched got a rash, yadda, yadda, yadda. I cried sooooooooo much. It hurt. Today I am achey as hell, not sure if it's from holding my body funny when i was burned or just cause I suck. Either or........ I don't feel well. My head hurts so bad it feels like at any second, I will have a seizure or my brain will explode. I haven't had a headache this bad in quite sometime.
Is getting older jsut always aches and pains? If so sign me up for something else.
Picture will be up Saturday in NYC YAY!!! That's about it. I have been working on the sun porch and in the basement, pushing through this headache. I just wanna sleep it off but it hurts so bad I'm not sure if I can even do that.

Til we meet again
Me

Very Very big news for me!!!

Kodak contacted me and Savannah's pic I took of her won a contest so on Saturday June 21st the first day of summer this pic will be displayed ALL DAY long every few minutes on the big screen in New York Cities Times Square!!!! I needed this, you have no clue, I needed this!!

A second blog entry for today

I learned today that there are quite a few people who don't understand me and are quite quick to pass judgement on me.
First of all let me say, because someone has an illness you can't see, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
I have severe depression. Absolutley, totally severe depression.
I recognize this, I accept it.
Some days I feel like I can't move, I'm tired. Not a day passes that I don't cry. I feel hopeless on the inside and some days I would like to do nothing more than to die. Am I suicidal, not by any means. But I have depression severe enough that sometimes exactly how i feel. My life hasn't been easy.
Open up a box of depression sometime, try it on. Try and see what it feels like, guarantee you will give it back in a second. It isn't fun.
But it's real and it's hard.
I may not be the best mom on this earth, but I love my kids and we have special things that we do. I may not be able to go to all their functions that I want. Depends on the day. It doesn't mean I'm doing anything wrong. I physically can't do it somedays. But it doesn't make me any less of a person or mother because I can't. I'm so tired of people passing judgement on what they think they know about me. When they know nothing. They only go by what they see. Not by how I feel inside.
Again let me say. Depression is real and it's not fun. You know those commercials you see about it on TV, that is a cake walk compared to how I feel somedays.
Only one person can judge me and that's God.
I know what type of person I have been and know who I am.
I also understand that I have an illness, several as a matter of fact and I can't be like everyone else.
Nor do I want to be.

Stress

I'm so stressed. I can't begin to reiterate here, how stressed I am. I almost am emotionally numb. We just got home today, was at moms for almost a week. Air broke again. Long story short, pipe had a hole in it behind the wall, blah blah blah... I have no bathroom walls. Lots and lots of mold, which is probably why I have been so sick. Everyone gets out of the house but me. Im the one who's here. My computer is going out, Have only had it 16 mos. Gateway only honored the warranty for a year. It is the only life line I have to anyone. So if it goes, just throw me in the garbage. It was nice actually being around people at my moms. But I came home to a huge mess. I don't even know where to start.
Juan has been having huge problems. The other day I guess Tuesday he didn't want to go to my moms. So what does he do??????? Goes takes off says he's going to run away. I have 2 kids in car, 2 dogs, its hot......So I am chasing him down road in car with him screaming to all neighbors "I don't trust you" blah blah blah... So he stops at Patricks house, made a huge scene. Police had to be called. All because he wanted to stay with his buddies.
His dad wants him to go to Texas to live for the school year. I want that, I think we both need it. I can't take the stress of a marriage that fell apart, the bills, the stuff breaking, Anthonys issues, and then Juan. I can't do it all. I'm slowly dying inside. We just got home today and Anthony went out mowed the front yard, Juan supposed to do the back. Gets mad, throwing a fit... Had to fix savannah some juice and got even more pissed and shoved the cup so hard in her face and pushed her lips into her teeth leaving her crying and her lip bleeding.
I hate his friends....... He has changed since he has started hanging with them.
So air hasn't been fixed, it all the sudden now works. I'm positive it will break again. I can't go downstairs, not only are there no walls, there's bleach all over. We were honest and told the ins. company that it happened a couple of weeks ago, they are saying it has to reported same day. I'm going to have Johnny call the, how the fuck am I supposed to know there's a leak behind the wall? Fuckers. It doesn't pay to be honest. I should lie, steal and cheat. Those people get everything they want and more. I see why they do it. They always come out on top. Leaving honest shit asses like myself in the current situation I am in.
I am starting to lose faith in God also which is something I never thought would happen. How much can one person take? I am finding out. I am steps away from checking myself into a hospital because I can no longer cope with everything that goes on. I can't. I need a break and I don't get one.
Have to go to a graduation party, come back to the sweltering house and start somewhere trying to clean it up....... you have no clue ....... to find the leak all had to be taken out, dishes all over.. I just don't know where to start when all I want to do is bury my head in the sand and give up.
Prayers in abundance, maybe God will hear you all, because he certainly doesn't hear a word I say.

Happy Sunday.

I'd rather be fishin

Got a huge spurt of energy today, I have scrubbed my whole house. Top floor to almost bottom. The basement is kyles domain so I don't touch it, however have been down there getting laundry done and put away. I pulled out the fridge, got on top of it, washed walls, fans. Scrubbed the floors. It looks great in here. I'm about out of things to do, but as soon as the kids start running around, I'm sure they will make a mess of it. I'm so tired now! but enjoying the clean clean house!! Sad American Idol won't be on tonight. Going to miss it!
Happy Tuesday
Love,
Di

Hi!

Been a very long time. Nothing going on. Still dizzy in spurts. Overall, I just am not feeling well. I have been feeling awful since about a month after we moved in this house. No energy, headaches, dizziness, asthma. We are going to have the house tested for black mold.
My health is seriously putting a huge crimp on my life. The dizziness is nothing like it was that one day, but I just don't feel right in that department. My eyes move when i don't move them. If my legs move and my body doesn't my body jerks as if it's trying to catch it. I hate it. Hate it.
Semi getting anxiety about going anywhere cause I'm afraid it will happen out in public. What a way to live.
So please send me prayers, lots and lots and lots.
Lots.
Kids are out of school now.
Hope this summer holds alot of fun and not alot of misery.
Happy Sunday
Much love to everyone
Di

Been awhile

Nothing to report really. Alls the same. Savannah graduated. 4 more days of school left. That's about it. Hope everyone is well.
Love,
Di

Tuesday

Just finished cleaning up the whole entired middle floor. Washed windows, walls did it all. Feeling a lil better. I love my mornings when they are quiet, I can clean and just get things organized and it's quiet. Savannahs graduating from Kindergarten Tuesday if anyone wants to come you are welcome. It's sad. She's growing up. So big, so sweet and so grown. Her belated bday party is going to be not this weekend but next I think. Things keep coming up and we can't ever find a good time.
Happy Tuesday!
Love,
Di

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day.
Not much going on.
Down today.
Disappointed in people.
Always makes me the saddest when people
I look up to, people I respect...Disappoint me.
I know people are people, but sometimes the disappointment
reaches limits that I wash my hands of them. Those who
know me, know it takes alot for that to happen, but when
it does....I don't go back.
Pivotal moments...
So I'm down because I know my feelings have changed.
Take what I can from the good moments of the friendship.
Then learn from the bad... the disappointment will fade over time.
But won't ever be forgotten.

Such is life...

Other than that, nothing going on. I have my moments on dizziness. Taking
all of my meds as the Dr. directed. Nothing like it was the other day. My breathing
is really getting alot better. Baby steps.

Hope all you moms out there have a wonderful day.

:)

I tried to add some more new songs, but it kept giving me errors and I can't change them neither.. Heifers...I'll try again later. Mom asked me to add one and I forgot the name, so I'll get on that!!

LMAO

didu notice below i wrote wednesday and its freaking Thursday... good grief

Wednesday

Feelin a lil bit better... Trying to update my blog and get some new music on... Been singing this song to everyone for a month and no one knew the name, found it by accident!! But I LOVE It!! :D
Happy Wednesday!
Antihistamines rock!!!
Love,
Di

Home

Ugh keep trying to type out but keeps giving me errors. I am way to weak and worn down for long typing but will update... Severe allergies/allergy attack... Given lots of drugs.. Can breathe again.. Am to stay in bed and rest and recover from what happened.

Take drugs and rest... which is what I'm doing.
Prayers, say lots
I really am not sure that I have ever been that scared in my life.
Love,
Di

Waiting to go to hospital

Gotta get savannah to school. Woke up this morning, room was spinning around and around. I didn't feel right, arms are weak. Almost fainted a few times.... I am very sick and feel extremely bad. I don't feel right. I didn't feel right yesterday. Carbon monoxide detector was going off and a gas leak.....dad shut the gas off, so surely that's not it, but I feel awful.. I have never been room spinning dizzy before like this. I screamed for Kyle because I was so scared and couldn't move, my eyes were all twitching in the back of my head... Then 5 min later again and again. I'm scared to death.
Update later when I get home.. Say prayers. Lots..
Love
di

Happy Derby Day!!

YAY!! It has stormed.....you know what that means?? MUD and in the infield gonna make for good TV! YAY!! Up early, someones coming to fix the air. Going to a party in a bit. Wish I drank so I could get sloshed. Feeling better than I did the other day. I just really need a run of good luck. Any takers for my black cloud? Come on you know you want it. I have a ton of emails I haven't responded to. I have missed a ton of phone calls....If you need me call my cell. I have 2 teenage boys who not only live on the phone, they keep it in their rooms, lock the door or lose it and I don't even see the house phone. Dad and mom have both learned that I am only reachable on my cell. Okies, off to do some cleaning and some grocery stuffs before party!! WOOT!
Happy Derby Day!!
YAY!!!
Love
Di

I can't take anymoreeeeeeee

I live with a migraine from stress..... Let's see, basement ruined from water leaks... from the air , from the sink... Last summer air broke.... went the cheap route to fix it and hope and pray it works. Worked. Water leaks again.........shorted out the air.....gotta get it fixed. Went downstairs this morning.......Water leak again, water heater??????? pipes???????who knows.....all the carpet in the whole basement has to be pulled up......Mold is starting to grow on the walls...... I am at my breaking point. Seriously...At my breaking point. How can we sell this house with all the stuff that keeps going wrong???? I don't know what to do...... I'm drowning, not slowly but quickly...
Help.
Haven't written... what's to write?
It's all bad.......Always bad.
Love,
Di

Been awhile

Been a long, long while. I would make a post and it would disappear... hopefullly they got that straight. Long boring weekend. Did get my hair done tho... Owooooooo!! umm not much else... it's derby week :)
Hope everyone is well!!
Love
Di

OMG I'm straight up TRIPPING!!

I have this letter on my desk from this guy named Bruce and I'm thinking okay Junk mail............... OWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Holy crap...........it's a love letter from a guy back in 1995 but it wasnt' for me. He tracked down Dianna F.... (took out my last name cause that's googleable) through the sheriff and a lawyer.........In it he says that he was in the shower with a guy named Tommy and he got out and showed me his sausage and "Dianna" showed him her breast and backside and he wish he could've got it on with me back then. Owoooooooooo and owooooooooooo and Owoooooooooooooooo I was trying to think where i was back then but i was def not in Marshfield TX......shoo you better make sure you have the right Dianna before you start sending stuffs about your sausage!! OWOOOOOOO!!!!

Owooooooooo

We had an earthquake this morning.......I thought the washer was on extreme spin cycle....... YIKES!!! Woke me up out of dead sleep. Ours was lil I can't imagine how CA people do it, scared me!
OOF!!

Everythings going okay. I went to bed extremely early. Worn out.

Happy Friday.
Love,
Di

wednesday

today hasn't been the best of days. not even sure if i really care.
it's just long......time has been going by slowly.
people make mistakes. that's what makes us human.
forgiveness that comes easy for me, isn't always easy for others.
i tend to screw up more than an average person.
i have a friend who was talking to me last night. trying to pick me up.
he said some words i wish i could drill into my head.
my value isn't based on what other people think of me. my value
comes from God and i should start there.
i never looked at it like that before, because i base
my value on what others think of me.
another big mistake.
happy wednesday
at least for some
love
di

Evening Post

Old Mamaw passed away a few minutes ago. Had a stroke. Most of the family knows who old Mamaw is, for those who read who do not, it's Anthony's great grandma. The boys are very upset. They always loved staying all night up there. Hunting frogs and swimming. Anthony ran off to his room. Very sad.
Night all, say prayers lots of them.
Love,
Di

Monday Morn

Or afternoon I guess. Just got home from dentist. Teeth are nice and shiny. Bad news of course, got to have the rest of my wisdom teeth pulled. Gave me my xrays to take to oral surgeon. Want me knocked out cause they have to be cut out. I'm not really happy about it and thinking about it. Juan went had broken another tooth. They started fixing that. One of his baby teeth is broken, but he doesn't have a permanent tooth under that so there's a bunch of options none of which are cheap. So I dunno.
Other than that everything is going as good as it can be. I'm not depressed really anymore. Not severely anyways like I was in March. That was probably some of the roughest times I have had ever in my life. All the top stressors I have and being sick on top of it PHEW just glad it's passed. I'm still struggling but not to that magnitude by any means.
Kids all went back to school today..........Ahhh I just dropped off Juan, gonna get a shower and I guess either watch a movie or find something to do.
House is clean, laundry is done.
Computer is okay...........lately it just causes me stress and well who needs anymore stress than they have already? Not to mention I just have no desire to TT it's not the same and no desire for anything... I dunno what to do.
Okay Hope everyone has a wonderful Monday :)
Love ya lots!!!
Di

Sunday :)

Mornin everybody!! Slept very well. Guess I'm going to moms this morning. Then coming home and Hmm I dunno!!

My evening last night was soooooo peaceful. You guys have no clue how peaceful it was. I was in heaven I think. Just quiet and being able to clean and keep it clean was such an awesome feeling. The dogs were so quiet. Ahhhhh!

They go back to school tomorrow, Juan and I have a dental appt in the morning. No bad stuff, just cleaning. LOL YAY!! easy appt!!

Other than that life is looking up. Like I said yesterday a sprig of hope, I do think I'm gonna be okay :)

Happy Sunday!
Enjoy your day.
Rain, rain stay away!!
Love
Di
PS Someone emailed me and asked me to post a bigger pic of myself than on my profile. oof I have one that was taken a month or so ago but this is all I have..... Sorry Owoooooo I don't like pics.
PSS the lie is number 2, me dress like a clown when I fear them LMAO Noooooooooooo and Nooooooooo and NOOOOOOOOOOOO :)

Howdy, Howdy on a Saturday

Whole house has been empty all day :) Got the living room spic and span, got my plants moved out on the sun porch. Did a TON of laundry AND got it put away ummm........Just did so much :) stayed off the puter most of the day. Dogs have been so quiet all day!! Psycho bird boy is on spring break already a dead bird in my yard GRRRRRRRR I really don't like that boy.

Thunder over Louisville was tonight and that means Derby time!!! I can't wait to photograph the balloon race :) I enjoyed the F 16s from my own home this year. Thanks but NO THANKS!!! oof!

My stomach is 100% better. Fever is all gone. Kids have not gotten it. All the bleach I used I don't see how anything could be alive in that bathroom.

Not much else to report. Everyones allergies have gone bukoo bonkers. I'm extremely scared about Dizziness coming back. I think I will always have that fear. Funny how a 5 minute dizzy spell can be so severe that you throw 7 mos away worrying about it happening again. ::Shrugs:: I think most of my family is affected by dizziness somehow. Ahh genes!! Why can't we just pass on the good ones!!

Happy Saturday. For once I can say...... I think I'll be okay... Had some hope today I haven't had in a long time.

:)
Love to everyone
Di

4 truths 1 lie

Melzie Welzie had this over at her bloggety blog
Which are the truth, which is the lie Har har har!!

1. When I was 17 I had a nice mohawk, nose pierced, totally punk rocked out and rode a skateboard.

2. To pay my way through hair school, I would dress up like a clown and perform at children's birthday parties and school functions.

3. When I was a little girl, I dropped my glasses in the Gulf of Mexico they were whisked away by waves.....A bit later my dad happened to step on them and find them.

4. I have a crazy uncle who wears towels on his head and has dinner with monkeys.

5. I eat coffee creamer the powdered kind off of a spoon.

Friday

Thank God. Still not feeling like myself. Ran a fever all night. Was very achey. Dizzy some. I know I'm dehydrated my contacts are sticking to my eyes. Crawled through Walmart this morning to get some light stuff to eat. Haven't eaten anything of substance since Wednesday. All liquids. Just tried a couple bites of chicken broth, we shall see. Kids are all good. So much bleach stuff in bathroom, they shouldn't get sick. Spring break has done me in. I truly have gotten spoiled to quiet mornings and ugh without them, I don't function well.
Need a summer plan.
Going to crawl back in bed.
Happy Friday
Enjoy Thunder Over Louisville if you go
Love,
Di

sick

have a bad, bad stomach flu. Been in bed almost all day. Really only been up for an hour. High fever. Sick,sick, sick.
Going to crawl back in bed and pray this goes away soon.
Almost at the 12 hr mark hoping it's better
love
di

There's a new 6 year old in town!!

Happy Sunday!

Been at moms most of the mid afternoon, just got home. Anthony has a date tonight. The sun is FINALLY Shining!! YAY!! Spring break starts this week. Dogs are geeks!!
Kyle and I are arguing... Things are normal.
Sassy Savannah is very scared about her tooth. She goes back and forth from being excited to "will it bleed?" it's cute. Her birfday as she says it is Tuesday. Probably cake and ice cream and party later on this month. Derby time around here is nuts.
Okay have a happy Sunday I guess I'm gonna find a place to hide that's quiet...
Love,
Di

Morning!!

Happy Saturday!
Not much at all going on.... Haven't been blogging much.
Have I mentioned how sick of rain I am? If not let me mention it........... I'm sick of rain! Savannahs birthday is coming up. She has her first loose tooth.
It's sweet but sad.
Oh well....... Getting ready to clean my house then do nothing!! YAY!!!
I can barely contain the excitement!
Happy Saturday!
love,
Di

My visit with Dorothy Ann

Last night I was sound asleep and had a dream...Dorothy Ann my aunt came to visit me. At first I was scared because she was moving chairs but there was no person. The phone started ringing and her body appeared and she answered the phone. After she hung up she came over to Savannah and said "Well, it's about time you came to visit me" Her hair was up in rollers and she had on this pink like houserobe I guess and she sat in this wooden rocking chair. We started talking about everything and she said she wanted to give me a hug so she comes over and I'm in that state where I'm dreaming and half awake and I feel super cold and heavy and I am trying to wake up. I wake up and fall directly back to sleep and pick up at the same part of the dream. She said "Dianna do me a favor you call the family over while I go and get Polly from down the road" I asked why I needed to call them and she smiled and said "I call them all the time, that's what the dead silence is. They can hear you better than they can me." So I call everyone and here comes Dorothy Ann up the road with Polly and polly looked exactly the same. Was weird. The family gets there and she said I don't want to alarm them so tell them that I am here... So I take everyone into a room and tell them. They all don't believe and then Dorothy comes (you can see her but she is see through) and they all start hugging and laughing. Everyone is catching up on old times and she said she needed to make sure everyone was okay and needed to answer a question of Michaels. So she walks over and starts talking to Michael and they both are crying and crying and everyone in the room starts crying..... She visited a bit more and looked at Jeanette and said "When the chair moves it's me" she told Polly they had a sunrise to catch and we all watched from a porch as they walked down the road..............Was totally weird but in a way very comforting. Every member of our living family was there and her voice was teh same, her looks were the same. Was so comforting and almost like we had a real family visit. So to my family did any of you have the same dream? Did we visit?? Was very cool!!!

Happy Tuesday!!

Hi hi!! Hope everyone is well. I still have a bit of a cold. Yesterday had a very long dentist appt. Was very sore afterwards to the point where I was in tears much of the evening. I wasn't scared at all there. Did well, despite the torture.
Savannah is back to being well. She has been April fooling all day long.
Not much else going on.
Happy Tuesday Soon to be Wednesday!!

Sunday Night!!

ZZZZZZZZ Been staying up late playin TT. Nice to be back with all my old friends. I have a cold GRRRRR imagine that!! Got a dentist appt in the morning. Don't wanna go. I'm skeeeeeeeeeered. It's a long one. I Just wanna be done with dentists. Savannah's still got the same cold, it's easing up a tad. Boys have been a lil better. Dogs are dogging...That's about it!! :) Hope everyone is well!!
Miss and love everyones!!
Di

Hi hi

Happy Friday!
Everythings okay for now.
Happy Friday!!
I'll update more this weekend
Love
Dianna

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

OMG NEVER EVER A DULL MOMENT.........
Somehow some weasley person or internet company......God only knows who or what, so far I have gotten 2 on my bank statements have gotten my credit card numbers. I even did a credit report on myself evidentally @@ Account overdrawn, first time I'm thinking okay accident. Okay overdrawn again, Im thinking WTF I don't go anywhere????????????? So I put more money in and OMG Overdraft again. We aren't talking 15, 20 bucks we are talking 100(bank fees for each one) or so an overdraft. So this morning (hungry lets go to store big fat NO) I call OVERDRAFT again??????????????? So I call the bank and OMG So many businesses online that I have no clue what they are are billing 19.95, 39.95...a pop over and over to my card. Some of them I was able to get a hold of and cancel. Some aren't a reputable working number OMGGGGGGGGGG so I have to go into the bank in a few minutes to file an affidavit on these charges, they closed my account and OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG some of this money I won't get back. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I try to keep this blog PG but FUCK FUCK FUCK
**** Back from bank. I filed affidavit, they are sending it all to their fraud department to track what happened and get "Some" of my money back. Juan has been suspended from school............. and people wonder why I'm depressed. Any questions now as to why?

My Melzie

I think I have blogged about my friend Melzie before....Her monologue is to the right......I have to just blog on her again.... I met her when I was pregnant with Savannah on an AOL message board. She was pregnant with John. We slowly started a friendship that has been strong for over 6 years now. She has come to my house a couple times and we have met....
Today when I am full of tears and crying and just feel like if I left this earth who would notice and who would care... She knows exactly what to say to me, she is my one bright light in so much dark. God sends us what we need at the right times and I'm for certain I'm not sure what I have done to deserve her. Her cards, her funny emails. She is just this gift that I get every single day of my life and frankly I don't know what I would do without her. She prays for me all the time, and to me that is the best gift you can give to someone. I call her my God connection. She is having such a hard time in her life and she has so much faith. I can see it in her sometimes that she wonders why this is happening or why that is happening but she keeps that faith. I can not tell you guys how much I truly, truly love her. She is my best friend on this earth. I wish she lived closer. In almost 7 years I don't even think we have even ever argued. So while things are so bad today and I was crying out of sadness, I get emails from her and my sadness goes straight to love for one of the very best women on this earth.
She like myself doesn't have much to give material wise, but she gives the most of herself. Something I'd rather have. Those who have the least give the most.
I love you my Melzie Welzie.
My BFF
:)

Hmm can things be worse?? You bet!!

Lets see Savannah still sick YES
Juan refusing to go to school, having to be drug in, lots of ruckus, have no clue if he's in school or left like he said he was going to.
Can't go get him cause I have no gas in my car and my brakes are gone.
I don't understand why things aren't easy.
It's not like I expect this life where picket fences are all around and hubby pulls up in a station wagon and all the kids run behind the car chasing it down, dogs barking etc.
My life is dark, a marriage in the toilet, arguing at every turn with everyone, dogs running all over the house, kids running every which way, talking back, hitting, depression. Severe deep depression from almost all of us. Sickness, sick, sick. No one knows what to do to get out of any of this. How do you clean up a complete disaster area? Things are absolutely horrible in our house. Drop by for a visit sometime, you can feel it. I can guarantee you will want to leave soon after. Don't worry, none of us much like it here either. But we are stuck.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter.........Wouldn't you know it, Savannah just finished her antibiotics and is sick again. No I am not joking. Real runny nose, stomach ache............ I can't take anymore. Just can't. It's never ending. Never, ever, ever ending. Going to memaws at 11 then coming home and trying to get her well. She can't miss anymore school. Boys are still in Alabama. I'm exhausted. Not much else to report other than UGH I can't believe she is sick again. When she woke up in the middle of the night whining and crying I thought for sure I was dreaming. GRRRRRRRRR.
Happy Easter
Love,
Di

Saturday

Homeeeeee! HOME!! Been staying at moms, just got home today. Missed my puppies something fierce. Cleaned up my house. Savannah had to go to a birthday party, was a nice gig at strike and spare. Thinking about having her party there. Was very nice. Kids had fun. Um I came home and cleaned more. Gonna dye eggs in a bit and then go to bed.
Happy Saturday
Love,
Di
I'm Back at my Puter!!!!!!! YAY!!

TGIF!!

Owoooo Happy Friday!!!! Got up way too early this morning and sat on the couch this afternoon, poof I was gone. Naps are the best thing on this earth.
Haven't heard anything on Sue at all. No one answers anywhere. So if I find out anything I will pass it on.

Not much else really to report, all is good I guess.

Happy Friday
Love,
Di

WOO HOO Peep Show on Di's blog!!!

Thursday

This blog entry is for the fam...Aunt Sue has had a heart attack, I just found out myself. She's okay, having tests today. She's in Jewish, which one I don't know. Keep her in your prayers.
Love,
Di

What day is it? Wednesday?

I'm still half asleep. Kyle was not in a good mood this morning and all that yelling and arguing at 7 am when I am still asleep. Not good. Sets the whole tone for the day. Juan didn't get out of bed, I hear banging so loud on his door, I bet the neighbors heard it. I was like WTF. Then ugh everyone in the house complaining, fighting and I just sit in a chair thinking ????????? By the end of the day we will have had 6 inches of rain. Everythings flooded. I am so sick of rain. I need sunshine. Boys leave tomorrow. Um not much else to say. Nothing at all going on.
It's trash day.
Happy Wednesday.
Be happy, anger is overrated.
Love,
Di

Yo, it's Tuesday!!

Owooooooo!! It's raining ........... story of my life lately. I'm so sick of rain and mud and muck. I want sunshine. Big, big sunshine and warm weather. I'm tired of mopping my floors everytime dogs go in and out.
Savannah comes home yesterday in absolute hysterics. Sobbing and sobbing.... I get her calm and ask her what's wrong and she starts saying "Alissa is leaving, shes moving" So cry, cry, cry over this girl moving. I felt so bad for her. We get to the bus stop there and Alissa is there and Savannah said "I thought you were moving" and gave her a huge hug. Come to find out they are going out of town for the Easter weekend. LOL
Fast fwd.... Juan was outside yesterday. Wouldn't go and get some boys shirt for him so the kid threatens to kick his, Chris and Patrick's butts. Fast fwd the kid comes after them with a baseball bat and a knife. Why can't it be like Leave it to Beaver days where they duke it out with fists? Why the bat and the knives? Never a dull moment. We think it's worked out. But still going to drop him off and pick him up. Boys are going to Alabama this weekend.
Um, that's about it really.
Rain, rain go away!!!!!!!
Happy Tuesday
Love,
Di

Sunday

Not much going on. Party thing earlier. Came home..........stuff stressful stuff........ fast fwd to me..... drained. Fed up with people. Fed up with moody people. Fed up with everything. Just about ready to walk away.....I try to figure out why people act the way they do. I can't. Today drained me... You non anxious people have no clue how draining anxiety is. Consider yourself lucky. You know one thing I can't figure out about people? Why is it that people can really say nasty hateful things behind someones back, but yet act all sweet and nice to them. If you are going to say something behind someones back at least have the audacity to say it to their face. I never say anything about anyone that I can't say directly to them.
Oh a funny in all my blah, I forgot to tell you guys about my dentist appt thing. They are so funny. They wanted me to go with silver cause it was stronger and what nots but for cosmetic reasons I insisted that they go with the porcelain. They strongly advised against it but ....listened to my requests. When they finished they were making the sign of the cross over and over and he was fixing to bless me with the dental squirter. I about peed my pants from laughing so hard. Had he actually done it, I would have rolled. Funny stuff!! They are fantastic people.
Okay, I'm going to go to bed..........I would say going to try to figure out people but I think that's a moot point.
Sunday.
Love,
Di

Happy Saturday :)

I tried to update earlier, but it wouldnt let me. Brat!!
Happy Saturday!!!
Love
Di

Home

From dentist. Didn't take but 30 min. if even that. Worried all week and it was over in a blink of an eye. Wasted worry. My forte'. They had to go way above the gumline and did a number on my gums and after the Cabocaine wears off, I am going to feel it. He told me I would. I can take nothing for the pain either. Can't wait for that. Okay...That's about it.
Happy Friday
Love,
Di

Thursday

Not much going on. Been busy. Living room, spotless, kitchen spotless. Worked on laundry. Went outside and picked up some sticks and straightened up out there. Tomorrow is my dentist appt. I prided myself on doing so good on the other ones and I should know I'm scared about tomorrows. I have to go. I just ugh. I'll live I'm sure. Just nerves. Savannah's back to school today. I miss her. I enjoyed having her home. She truly melts my heart. She has read me a plethera of books this week. I love it. Going to go to bed early tonight. Bask in my clean house. Working on Savannah's/my room LOL right now. Fun fun. Sheets changed and bed made. Doing the floor in a few. Just needed a break. Oh!!!!! I got my blood work back my iron is..............11.9!!!!!!! Perfectly normal!! My iron stores are still low, but they are higher than last time and are building. So :) YAY!
That made my day. See mom I HAVE Been taking my iron!!
Happy Thursday
LOve
Di

Wednesday

Happy Wednesday. Feeling somewhat better about things today. Dizzy today which scares me to death about going to dentist on Friday. Life would be so much easier with no dizzy. :( Savannah's home from school today. Feeling somewhat better, but her ear is still hurting her. Juan went to school, but missed his bus. This is exactly what happened at the beginning of the year, I can't handle another bout of that. I can't do it. That's about it.
It's Wednesday.
Trash day.
LOve,
Di

Savannah Sleeps

She has been sick for over a week now and just falls asleep anywhere! Her Dr appt went good, she has an ear infection of course and sinus infection. More antibiotics. Here are some ways she has slept this week LOL

Good morning? NO

Savannah up all night screaming with ear pain- Of course
Juan calling from school, throat hurt and stomach hurt- Of course
Trying to keep my eyes open with tooth picks to figure out how to get him and take her to Dr at same time......
Her appt at 11:20 she has screamed and screamed and screamed.
I have a cold on top of it. We all just got over flu.
I can't even be depressed cause it's just unreal.
Happy tuesday.

An update to my BLAH post

Well, I went to dentist and since I got there early it's 100% patchable. No root canals, none of that stuffs. That made me happy. I'm still down. Sorry for my depressiveness. Just everything coming at me at once and I can't deal well. I will get over it soon enough. Just need some time and a break from bad things. The dentist was a start. Very nice. Had me a pillow ready when I got back there because of my dizziness :) Very compassionate for a sad girl LOL.

Didn't think

that I could make a blog post worse than yesterdays, but oh boy here it comes. If you don't like depressing just turn back now. I have been crying about 3 hrs now and I'm soooooooooooo down it's unreal. Well, lets start by I have a dentist appt at noon. I was eating a f$%#ing porkchop last night and there I guess was a small bone slither in there and guess what??????? Another tooth broke. Unreal. I just sit here and cry. I honestly can't afford another 2000 dollar dentist visit. I'm still paying on the loan from last years, cash paid last months and now ugh!! I'm sooooooooo mad it's unreal. I hate myself so bad it is really unreal. I can't even look in the mirror cause all I want to do is scratch my own eyes out. When I was told over and over again that I am a worthless piece of shit, I really am.......I am good for absolutely nothing. You know I don't lie, and I'm nice and I go above and beyond to help people over and over and I can't understand why I just can't have some good luck too. It's like being nice and being honest gets you absolutely nothing in life. Nothing. Is my whole entire life just going to continue to be hardship after hardship? Let's see, Mental abuse- Check, Physcial -abuse Check, Cancer and someone dying -Check, Raising kids on my own.......I can go on and on and on but I am so exhausted. Yesterday I think I took 4 naps, I would get up, have nothing to do. So I just would go back to bed. What's the point of even getting up? I might eat a snickers suck a peanut down my throat break all 26 teeth suck them into my lungs, choke get pnemonia........Story Of my life. No matter if I pray, no matter if I'm good, No matter what my life sucks so bad. I hate myself. All I can say today is that I have such a self hatred that I just wish I could run from myself but I'm stuck here. In a life I for the most part hate, In a body that I Hate, In a house that I hate. So today I will go alone to the dentist. I'm terrified, I'm stressed, my stomach hurts soooooooo bad..... UGH
The only thing that keeps me hanging on is hope and even that is fading at a drastic rate. Not much left to hold on to.
My song for today

Please come now
I think I'm falling
Holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I've found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when i heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say...

CHORUS
Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge
And I'm thinking
Maybe six feet ain't so far down

I'm looking down
Now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out
Heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say...

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe six feet ain't so far down

(repeat chorus)

I'm so far down

Sad eyes follow me
But I still belive there's something left for me
So please come stay with me
Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge
And I'm thinking

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge
And I'm thinking
Maybe six feet ain't so far down....

(repeat chorus)

Please come now
I think I'm falling
Holding on to all I think is safe...

It's Sunday

Having one of those pity party days today.. I'm tired, stayed up til after 2 am. Everyone in the house is gone but me and Savannah. Pretty much the story of my life. Me. Alone. Most days I do okay with it. Some days I miss touch. I get hugs from Savannah and kisses from Savannah, but it's not the same. Been over a year abouts, maybe even longer... I can't remember. Just know it's been a long, long time. I guess in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter much. Not much does. Things are what they are. Things are the way they are.
Me. Lost.
Somedays I see light at the end of the tunnel and I run and run and run, trying to get to it. But seems like someone always throws water on it, or stands in front of it. I never actually get to the light. The only thing that really keeps me holding on is hope. Hope that things won't always be this way or this bad. But in the back of my mind, I think things have gone wrong basically my whole life.
Gonna go reread Lindsays letter til I have it imprinted on my brain for life.
Happy Sundays are our there somewheres.
Til then, I'm looking.
Love,
Di

Saturday EVENING lol post

OMG this made me laugh so hard I had to post it........... I am still laughing!!
Snow pics are below it, but OMG LMAO!!

Snow!!!!!!!

YAY!! Snow!! I'm loving it!! We got about 12 inches. Thats like a 13 year snow for us. Last time we got this much snow I got pregnant with Juan, so that tells you how long ago it has been since we have had this much snow!! Sooooooo bear with the pics. Just look at it this way, you only have to endure them every 12 years or so HA HA!! They are mostly of the puppies. Savannah is sick and didn't stay out long, Juan in encouraging his friends to go make some cash and shovel out the "Old people" as he calls it and Anthonys playin WoW... The snow was over Claires chest. They had a complete ball out there and Opie was eating so much snow! We came in and Claire had these like big snow clumps falling off of her and opie was walking behind her eating them. :) Love love love the snow. PS photobucket changed things and resizing it is confusing the tar out of me so ignore if some are bigger. Gotta play with it later to figure it out.

Friday

Up getting ready for my Dr. Appt. Don't want to go. It's snowing. I'm tired. Not sure if I am in a good mood, in a bad mood or just not in any mood. I guess it really doesn't matter....... Kinda sad today.
Oh well.
Que Sera Sera
Love,
Di

** home from Dr. went pretty good all in all. He did a bunch of neurological stuffs. Got dizzy while he was doing it and he watched my eye balls. I reacted normally though, which is the GOOD News :) My eye balls are back to normal, no more one side pupil bigger than the other. Which was a main concern of his. Not sure if pupil right word, but the black spot. I explained all this to my family at Christmas but didn't blog about it cause I feel like it's whining. LOL my aunts were looking at my eyes OH YEAH!! LOL Thank God it's gone, felt like a freak!! After the dizzy virus one of black parts of my eye was staying dilated and the other one was normal. If it wasn't any better I was going to have to be tested for MS and ugh has been weighing on my mind like a brick. BUT!!!!!!! Since it's all back to normal I can blog and not whine cause it's GOOD!! Um I got a little bad news, nothing major. My dizziness.....UGH he said that sometimes when people get that virus, the labryinthitis that I had back in September...The infection sometimes permanently damages the nerves in the ears. The tests he did shows the damage is probably on my right side. It may get better, it may be there to some degree forever. The dentist probably triggered the attack. He said he will label it as BPV. Benign Postural Vertigo. He gave me a list of exercises to do to make myself dizzy. I have to go back in a month and he wants to start me on physical therapy for it. Since it may be permanent he said we can't train my brain to just deal with it. The rash on my arm is Vascular Mottle. Said that arm isn't getting enough circulation. Could be I sleep on it, could be cold or heat. Going to re evaluate that in a month. Blood pressure excellent. Go figure, I can't eat anything to damage my heart. Ha ha. Haven't had doves in 24 hrs and no headache. Iron blood work will be back in a few days. So all in all :) and alot of weights lifted so I can blog about it all and be happy :)

Thursday

Hi!! Just woke up..... zzzzzzzzz LOL took an afternoon nap. Felt nice! Hope everyone is well... Got my drs appt in the morning. 8:45.. don't want to go. But I think my mother would come beat my rear end. I was supposed to go back in December but didn't want to. The dizziness is 10 fold better today. Enoughs about that stuff.
Um......Living room I worked on all morning, then actually sat down and played some Worlds of Warcraft.
Ghost hunters was on last night, was soooooooo good!! Spooktastic I should say!!
LOST on tonight :) Music to my ears.....
Hmm we are maybe gonna get a foot of snow tonight. That will be fun!!
Okay, enough boring.
Ya'll be good!!
Love,
Di

Wednesday EVENING Post

Ha ha!! Snuck one in on yous guys. Evening is going okay..... I'll spare you the details, but you guys remember my check list from a few weeks ago. Check checks on the SSDDs. OYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Johnny, I keep forgetting to call you, I need to finish talking to you about what we talked about Sunday at moms. Soooooo call me when you have a good 20 minutes to discuss that stuffs. Speed is of the essence LOL!!
Okay a bonus post tonight, you lucky heifers. Some pics for your viewing pleasure. And Curl, On the days you don't have the baby I'm gonna come pick you up and take you cave hillin, if I get dizzy just keep the geese off me! HA HA!!


Happy Wednesday Evening......Trash is GONE GONE GONE
Whoa whoa whoa......
LOve,
Your faithful blogger
Nanz

Owoooooooo it's Wednesday

Hump day FINALLY!! Dizziness came and went yesterday off and on. I ended up getting a migraine so not sure if it was an aura for that or what. Seems to be better this morning, but that goes hour by hour. Got up way early this morning since I went to bed way early. Got my shower all done. Savannah's all up and ready. I had to write a bunch of checks this morning, field trips, lunch. Schools expensive!!
Guess I'll come home and take a nap...Not much else to do. I am very sleepy still though. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZ!
P.S. I have been keeping a log of the migraines and such and it is looking more and more like my Dove Darks are the triggers :( The one thing I can eat that I enjoy....Food sucks. I guess I'll keep eliminating things one by one til I am on a water only diet. Hate it.
It's Wednesday. Trash day.
Love,
Di

Having one of those days

Been dizzy all morning long. I am soooooo freaking mad that it's back again. It's only been gone 2 full months. Even then it's back on and off. It's days like today that make me so discouraged and so worn down. Dizziness is slowly wrecking my life. I have yet another Dr. Appt Friday. I'm sure he will send me for a ton of tests. I hate dizziness. Absolutely hate it.
I dunno what to do about it............
UGH
Happy Tuesday.

A trip to Cavehill

Haven't been to Cave Hill Cemetery for about a year. Well, driving around I spotted 2 new graves. I was mesmerized at how beautiful they are, but also had to walk away after taking a couple of pictures because they are so sad. The love those families felt and having children myself........ God. The first picture is of a girl named Samantha. Right in front of her monument they have a bench that is eye level with the girl on the swing. Her scarf draped around her neck. God love her heart is all I can say. Beautiful, beautiful momument, put together with such love.....


Her tiny precious feet.


The next monument was of a girl named Brittany. She was 17. She was killed in a car accident and was a missionary. Devoted to helping children. A picture of her was on her grave and you look up and to your right, a life sized replica of her. Absolutely beautiful and taking care of children. Totally heartbreaking.



To collect myself, I walked over to a bench. It overlooked a grave....Sitting right next to the bench was the guys puppy dog. His ball in tow.........The dog would always watch over him. :(

A new found appreciation today for life......Totally overwhelmed by love....A good lesson learned today. Such beauty built on such pain..
Happy Sunday
Love,
Di

Happy Sunday!!

Going out today :) YAY! and YAY! and YAY!!!!! :)
Didn't sleep really well last night. But it's okay, been oversleeping. My camera is in tow for todays adventures. It was SUPPOSED to be sunny mind you, but of course it rained. I'm going downtown for a mini tour LOL and then maybe to cave hill for some pics. I dunno where I will end up. But glad to be going out!
Anywhoooo I am off, if i take any good pics or anything interesting happens I'll post.
love,
Di

Howdy!!

You guys have got to check out my photo blog. 2 of the cutest dogs ever on there :) love love love them!! My photo blog I don't think I could ever live without a dog. So sweet. Been a long day. Cooked out at moms, visited with Johnny and angie some. Took guitar hero over there and lol everyone was playing. The boys are staying all night over there. Juans hollering at me to send him the skateboarding pics i took of him, for his Myspace of course.

Happy Saturday Ya'll!!
Love,
Di