Tuesday, June 25, 2013

What is it with the Midnight Hour?

I have been getting so much better about accepting the choices I make, not crying over everything, dealing with things a little bit better...I'm not sure what's up with midnight, but last night I had a nice cry fest with God.

Have you ever just been really sorry for something? Like over the moon sorry? I was thinking back to years ago and an instance that happened with Kyle and man......I was just wrong. I'm not sure why that crept up on me, but I repented to God and just had a good cry. I wish I could forget that moment, but maybe I learned from it. Our marriage was horrible, we fought, we hurt each other. He was my people though and ugh, I don't know. I just feel bad for that moment, really bad.

Then it all rolled over to my dad and what a mess that is.......Then it rolled over to how God is my Father and how I'm forgiven and loved.

I wish life came with instructions.

Anyways...Enjoying my summer, swimming, eating, losing weight =) I walked this morning, then went swimming, felt so good. It was hot and I was sweating. I lost more weight and I'm looking really good. I'm feeling a lot better.

I will not fail this time because God has changed my heart where food is concerned.

He hasn't changed this chipmunks appetite who is looking me square in the eye on his hind legs begging me to come feed him.

Have a great week and see you again in a month!



Monday, June 10, 2013

It's Almost Midnight

I'm not sure if I'm tired or not.

For the past few weeks my spirit and soul are exhausted.

What do you do when what's inside of you, the part that is you, is tired?

You ever just sit and not know what to do? Wrong choices, bad choices...What if I choose wrong?

Some situations I'm in lately, it doesn't matter if I choose wrong because I'm not sure if one choice would feel any worse than the other.

What's that say?

There are roads all over my life to take, to not take.

I was discussing with family the other day about when I got better, what was different?

They knew immediately and I don't want to think that they are right, but they spoke the truth to me.

I just don't know what to do.

Psalm 6:6 NIV
New International Version

I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.

That's me......I'm worn out, not just my eyes from crying, my heart from no security.

I was listening to JM this morning, like I try to do every Monday all day......Listening to her talk about her years of abuse and how the best gift God ever gave her

was her husband who never waivers from who he is. He's stable, the same every day.

Someone who you know will wake up and be in the same mood every day, someone who says or does the same stuff with consistency.

I can't imagine someone in my life who is consistent. That's not just with men, but with anyone.

Consistent. Content.

Truthful. Honest.


Truthful. Honest. Content. Satisfied.

Truthful. Honest. Content. Satisfied.

Truthful. Honest. Content. Satisfied.

Why does everything have to be so hard?

Well, the clocks about to strike 12

My coach turns into a pumpkin at midnight.




Sunday, June 02, 2013

My Sweetest Oldest Friend

My heart is so heavy tonight...My best friend isn't doing so well. He's starting to lose bowel function and is going in the house every day now. He tried to get up tonight and couldn't. He couldn't get up the steps, now he can't go down the steps. He gets so short of breath and has tumors covering his body.

I want to tell him it's okay if he leaves me, that I'll be okay.....But, it won't be.

If he leaves this world, that's someone gone that I know that truly loves me. I have so few and well, losing him....He genuinely loves me, and I him.

When he got sick a couple of years ago, I remember standing out back at midnight looking up at the full moon and the stars twinkling in the sky. I begged God to give me a couple more years with him. God complied as He always does. I also asked God to never, ever put me in the position of having to have Opie put to sleep. To please let him die asleep, peacefully.

I couldn't take that guilt of not knowing if I did the right thing.

I don't want him to go.

I don't.

I got him after I moved out of shelter housing, Kyle and I first townhouse together. Kyle went and got him at the shelter, it was his last chance. He had been returned so many times. He ran off with Kyle's wallet and Kyle knew that was the dog I would want.

He came in and my heart instantly knew, that was *MY* dog. When I couldn't leave the house, he never left my side. He has raised my kids with me, kept me safe. Wagged his tail every time I have walked in the door.

He waits for me and I just don't know what I would do to not have him waiting for me anymore.

He'll have to wait with Jesus for me and my heart just can't take anymore break.

Pray for my sweet Opie, that his legs heal and that my Father take him in his sleep when it's his time.