Monday, November 28, 2011

Where are you Christmas?

Every year the day after Thanksgiving, sometimes even Thanksgiving night I have put up my Christmas tree.

This year I just don't have it in me to do it. The want that is. I love what Christmas stands for. I love the fact that our Savior came to this world.

But the Christmas we celebrate, I just don't want to. Money, things, stuff that never gets touched or put up in the closet.

I wish God would show me some real Christmas spirit somewhere that doesn't have anything to do with money or things.

Maybe a moment somewhere of someone just being nice.

I have watched Christmas movies over and over day in and day out this year. None of it's real. All these people find Christmas love or get Christmas miracles. It's just not real.

I want to go stand under a tree somewhere and have this man come out of nowhere that just falls in love with me as I am.

It just doesn't happen.

I've lost myself so badly. I just long to find myself and I don't know where to look.

I'm tired of noise. I'm tired of lies and exhaustion. I'm just tired of my life as it is.

I Savannah is the one thing in my life that keeps me going.

Hopefully I'll find myself this Christmas.

Peace and Love


Wednesday, November 16, 2011


Last year about this time, I blogged about Betty.

Over the year I got to know her very well. My work out buddy. I saw her the week I got sick. She told me she would pray for me and to just hold on.

The one thing that always stuck with me was when she said "As long as I'm working out, I'm fighting the cancer."

Cindy knew how close we had gotten and called me today with the news that Betty's body is shutting down and she will pass very soon.

I'm just sad.

Cancer is a four-letter word. It's a thief that robs people of their life and robs families of their loved ones.

She fought so hard, she was so strong.

Her husband came in to cancel her membership because "She won't be coming back" he says.

So final. I have to keep in mind that while on earth there are so many goodbyes, but in heaven, you never have to say goodbye again.

God will pull her out of this world and take her into His. She won't be in pain anymore, she won't have to fight anymore.

I will see her again and at our next meeting, there doesn't have to be a goodbye.



Sunday, November 13, 2011

He Loves Me

God never ceases to amaze me. A couple of weeks ago, I came across this video of starlings roosting. It was so amazing, it actually brought tears to my eyes. I have never seen that many birds before and was so amazed at them. I remember watching it and thinking how amazing and awesome God is. I told Him I wanted to see that someday.

Tonight I had to get out of the house for awhile. Something someone had said to me had me on the verge of tears for a lil bit and I was fighting to hold back tears.

I talked to God and just started telling all my problems and how I don't know what to do. About 3 seconds into my heart spill, I hear an almost audible, "Look up"

If you look closely at the full picture it looks like a giant arm leading the birds where to go =)

That is what I saw. Starlings were roosting and it looked like they were coming out of the sun. They flew all around me my whole walk. Sometimes they would land a few houses in front of me. There were hundreds of birds. Another moment I won't ever forget.

I love when God shows off. =D

It was such a wonderful present. It was so amazing the way I couldn't see part of them because the sun was so bright, but all around the sun they were just flying in their patterns.

He LOVES me. He doesn't care how much I weigh, He doesn't care that right now I'm depressed, He doesn't care that sometimes I say or do the wrong thing, He doesn't care that I don't know much about certain things, He doesn't care that right now I don't have a job.

What great lengths He goes through to show me He loves me as I am.

Face value.

He LOVES me.



=) Thanking God He doesn't base His love on things earthly people see and judge us by. He knows my heart and it's good.

Thursday, November 10, 2011


You know, life isn't really very long.

I lay in bed this morning thinking about time, time going by in years, months, hours and days.

Since my dream the other night, I have been thinking a lot about how much of my time I have wasted. How much time I continue to waste, but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be right where I am doing what I'm doing.......Or if I'm supposed to be doing something else.

Inching slowly back into my relationship with God. I've missed Him so much and turned away from Him, in the most difficult time in my life.

I watched a show the other day that talked about how God loves us through other people. He doesn't come down in the form of Himself to tell us, He shows us through people. At that pivotal moment I truly felt how much He loves me.

When I think of how much I hate doing laundry, at least I have clothes to wash. When I think or complain of how much I hate doing dishes, good Lord, at least I have dishes to eat out of. I see the nice things around me and I have so many nice things. God truly has loved on me and used other people to convey that love. I've never, ever went without one thing even for one day and I acted like such a spoiled brat. Good thing about God is, I asked for forgiveness and I am forgiven. Approaching life with more of a thankful attitude.

I asked God to lead me to what I'm supposed to have in my life. I want someone to share my life with. I want to get married again. I want someone to do life with. Life is so hard and sometimes so wonderful that I want someone to walk through it with.

I was so unsure of that before. I was so adamant about never being married again, but He showed me in my heart, that I do want to be married again.

I've got to change so much to get there, or should I say, He has to change so much for me to get there. I have so much to learn still, but I still have some years, months, days and hours to learn what I need to.

Going to quit trying to make things happen and just let Him lead me where it is I need to be.

I'm hearing Him again. I know that I know that I know it's Him.

Fear opens the door for satan to work, faith opens up the door for my Father to work.

Pray that I can leave these fears and have the courage to do what I need to do to move forward.

Courage....I need it.


Me =)

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Sunday Once Again

I miss February. That's back when I got my job and I was on top of the world. I'm done analyzing what happened, it just did.

Trying to figure out how to get my life back is where I'm at now.

Had a lot of vivid dreams over the past few days. Friday night I dreamed mamaw was sitting with me in a gray empty room. There were 2 chairs. She was in one, I was in the other. She spoke loudly and said "You are wasting so much time" I kept asking her over and over again what she meant and she said loudly one more time "All you need to know is that you are wasting a lot of time."

Then last night I dreamed that I was getting baptized again. My whole entire family was there and I was so excited to be baptized again...The lady who was going to baptize me was reading my testimony and one by one my family went out. I kept asking where they were and my mom would say "someone more important needs them" I looked out the window and they were all doing other things. I got back in the tub and my mom was still there and she was waiting and the lady who was baptizing me got a phone call and said she needed to leave and couldn't finish. I sat in the tub crying and just felt so empty.

Right after that I dreamed I was at my old Grandma Spies house. I looked out front and there was a box and I knew what was in there and realized someone had take stuff out of the box. I went around to the side door and someone else was in there. I ran over to Tessa and Keiths to call 911 and tell them someone was in my grandmas house...He asked me to do his dishes while I waited for the police. I didn't want to do his dishes, but he was adamant that I do them. So I sat there while I waited. I looked out his kitchen window and I saw my grandma spies and she was screaming "someones in my house." I told her I'd finish the dishes and be right there and that I had called police.

So weird these dreams.


Okay, happy Sunday



Tuesday, November 01, 2011


Dealing with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder again today. It's funny recognizing what it is. It's funny what triggers it.

I would think my brain would realize the difference. It doesn't.

Elmer came in this past weekend. We had a great time and he had to leave. What triggered it was cleaning up his bottle he was drinking out of, the towel he used. Stuff like that.

After Brett died, I remember everyone just cleaning up his stuff and I wanted the cup he drank out of, I wanted the shirt he was wearing. I didn't want to touch anything.

After Elmer left yesterday it was hard for me to throw his water bottle away or wash his towel. I cried most of the afternoon because I had to tell my brain, he's not dead, he's just not here.

Today I'm emotionally worn out from that. Every time I went to touch something that he did, that scene from the day Brett died came back into my head. Telling myself over and's okay to throw it away. The bottle is insignificant.

I guess I just wanted to hold on and seeing those things around my house is a reality that he was really here.

Hard to fool a brain.

I hate goodbye. =(