Sunday, February 28, 2010

Church tonight

Was FABULOUS!! I wish I could send you all pics of the art exhibit there. All through church I was looking out the door at this couch with a shower running on it..... I didn't understand it and it had an explanation next to it..... it was this Psalm
6 I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.

It was soooooo cool since I obviously have flooded my bed with tears in February...... Then they had these shelves with jars all on them and they had this Psalm

Psalm 56:8
put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book? 9 When I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies turn back: this I know; for God is for me. 10 In God will I praise his word:

It was just neat =) I really, really enjoyed it tonight =)

Fixing to go to bed. It was a wonderful Sunday.

<3 you guys very much


It's Over!

Seems like February is the month for me for being over. Relationship w/ E over, relationship with WoW over and relationship with food over.

I have been dropping pounds wickedly fast. It could be the fact that I work out 2 hrs in the morning, 2 hrs at night or.....It could be I'm just not hungry. I have to force myself to eat anymore. I just don't want it.

I'm tired. I was up til about 4 a.m. I spent about 3 hrs at the gym this morning, had to go grocery shopping, came home cooked dinner, hopping in the shower all to go to church this evening.

I'm just plum wore out and my week is so busy.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Argh Hectic Thursday

That's really all I can say.


Therapy and what I have to do this week is hard. Harder than last week. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't make me do anything, but gives me the tools of what I have to do to get better and when I have the courage, I do them.

Courage is a funny thing. I never really thought I had much. I always view myself as weak. I'm really not weak at all, I have alot more strength and courage than I thought I did. Evidence that God is helping me through all this. Finding that spot inside me that wants control over my own life.

Yesterday the only analogy I could think of for him is that I'm all the pieces on a Chess board. What move I make, is dictated by who's moving the piece. I just stand there and wait for someone to move me. I want off that board. I'm tired of people manipulating me in whatever direction they think I need to go in. I never realized how many people in my life have manipulted me. I'm done with that.

Everyone knows I have my thresholds. I speak of them often with people. If things have gone badly over time and things happen, lack of respect and things done to hurt my feelings......Well, I say to myself the very next time such and such happens, I quit. Usually it takes a long, long time. I respect myself enough that if I set those boundaries, I stick to them. I need to make those boundaries alot sooner. My do not cross line.......quit taking so much, draw that line in the sand earlier and be strong enough to need no one.

I'm on my way =)

Off to the gym <3

The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.
~Carlos Castaneda

Have a wonderful day

Dianna =)

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Good Tuesday Morning =)

Actually been getting to sleep at a decent hour so I wake up really early!

Last night I tried sleeping with the TV off. I have a horrible habit of sleeping with the TV on. Well....... LOL, I prayed, meditated and then tried to convince myself I could do it. Nah, I made it 15 minutes with no TV. Everything is so weird in the dark. Maybe each night I can go a little further until I just fall asleep waiting for the minutes.

Have a really busy day today. Gotta get some stuff together for going back to a salon =) I love when my old bosses randomly pop into my life. I'm nervous about going back to hair, but I was really good at it. I gotta spend the day cleaning Johnnys, gotta get to the gym and then Community Groups with Curl tonight.

I love days like today. Busy and no time for thinking. I won't lie and say I don't have sad moments, because I have them quite a bit...But, I'm dealing with them. I'm getting my groove back and moving on. Missing people is hard. It's the quiet where there was once noise for me. Missing for the right reasons, I'm there.

Have a wonderful Tuesday.

Much, Much, Much Love <3

Dianna Lynne

Monday, February 22, 2010

It's Monday

What a journey I am on lately. It's amazing waking up every day finding out something new about myself. For the past 4 or 5 years I threw myself into whatever I could to avoid dealing with the pain I had inside.

Pain from the past, pain from the present.

Last Sunday was the worst day of my life, yet the best. My heart was broken. I cried and cried til I could not cry anymore. Only God could've saved me from that enormous hole I had in my heart that day. He did. I prayed like no other, prayed and prayed to please just for a few minutes stop this pain I am in.

At first I thought it was pain from breaking up with Elmer, but it wasn't. Elmer actually had very little to do with it. I realize I was using Elmer to keep from dealing with my own pain. He was a distraction. I knew I was doing the right thing by going my own seperate way, but I got scared because when it donned on me that we were indeed done......... I had nothing but the pain.

God had it all worked out. I couldn't walk, I couldn't talk. I could barely function that day and he picked me up. The next day I woke up and was a bit stronger. My head swirled with things I never dealt with. I have always had a guy for distraction and it's always been a guy with problems.

The book I'm reading now.........Amazing.
The therapist sending me to another therapist.........Amazing.

All these things I firmly believe were God. God getting my attention saying "Look girl, get it together"

I'm starting to accept everything that happened to me and deal with it, instead of just grabbing a guy and covering it up. Before when asked on dates I said "Yes" The past week I have turned down 3 knowing that I am not even close to being what I need to be to make a relationship work. It felt SOOOOOOOOO good.

Church Sunday, I was so apprehensive about going alone. But I went. He (the preacher) talked about lament. He talked about pain and suffering. He talked about how Jesus knows that pain and that suffering. He had people mocking him and beating him. He knows. When he looked up and said "Getting through the hurt, working through the pain......Your story isn't finished" It was hard to hold back tears. I guess I never realized that my story isn't finished.

I don't know what the future holds for me. Not in any fashion. But I know if I continue to work on myself and quit filling my time with things that distract me from my feelings, that my story can have a happy ending. It may or may not involve a man and that's okay. But it will involve me and God. =)

I struggle alot with decisions, not knowing if I am making a right one or a wrong one. Always second guessing myself. I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm not going to do things and be with people that I don't like because I feel there are no other options. Whether it's guys or girls(friends), if I don't like them ....... I'm going to get out.

Before I would just up and go cut someones hair, who I knew wasn't going to pay me or do something else like take pictures for them (people who didn't treat me well) and just do it for acceptance. I'm done. This will be the hardest struggle of all for me. Saying..........NO =)

Alot of I's in these posts, but I need to get right with God and myself. Faith the past few days has revealed its good works to me in ways I can't explain. I have that faith I lacked before. I'm starting to remember things that hurt and that I blocked out. I think about them, give them the proper attention and say to myself "It happened" No more blocking them out, no more not dealing with them.

I have a long road in therapy. Really, really long. But I'm on it. =)

I finally feel like I will know who I am and I am a really wonderful person. I need no one to validate that. I know what my thoughts are, I know where my heart is and I'm a wonderful person inside and out

Happy Monday

A special thanks to my family and friends for being there for me and the special girl at church who saved me.

Much Love,


Saturday, February 20, 2010

Hi =)

** Forgot to add, I don't really update here much anymore because I'm always on Facebook like all my other bloggety bloggers LOL

It's been a really, really, REALLY long time since I have written. I kinda quit after that whole stalker thing. I'm pretty sure he's gone. Thank God =)
For once, I'm doing really, really well. I feel like I'm finally getting my life together.

Other than the above, nothing has been going on. This weekend has been WONDERFUL =) Thus far. I feel peace. No crying. I have the best friends a girl could ask for and they are doing a wonderful job making sure I'm okay. I <3 you guys.

I won't wait months before I update again lol! I got 2 emails yesterday asking when I was going to update...... I know it isn't much of one. Just know that I'm good, Life is wonderful and I'm happy =)

Had to fix my play list LOL Bad Romance is like my motto song!! <3 Lady Ga Ga =)