Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Remember That Post A Couple Days Ago About Gods Love?

Remember how He said He would show me His love? Remember how I said "How would I know what it would look like?"

=) Well, let me tell you a story!!

Today I was having a blah day. The past few days have been a struggle and as I mentioned earlier, I haven't been hearing much of anything from God. It's been a real test of faith. When I can hear Him, it's easy to believe...But, when He goes silent, it's harder to believe.

I said a prayer today before I took my nap, it went something like keep me hanging on, I have faith you are going to lift all this off of me. I just know it's going to work out, hear you or not......I know you are there.

I wake up from my nap and feel a ton better. =) So.......My son calls from football practice and says he is ready to be picked up. I gather all my stuff up and head out the door.

I see this beautiful butterfly swirling all around me. I absolutely LOVE butterflies and talk to God a lot about them. I can rarely catch them on my camera and if I do, it's never a good shot because they fly off way too quickly.

Since it's so close I get my cell phone out and try to catch a pic. He lets me take his picture and I'm thinking "Rats, I wish I had my good camera out!"


I stop and admire him some more and softly say "God, can I hold him?" God speaks loud and clear and says "Go and get your camera, I know how you are!" So I run to my car put my stuff in there. Fumble with my keys trying to hurry. I get a little worried because when my camera goes from cold to hot it gets all foggy and I was just trying to hurry.

I get back out there, sit on the ground and the butterfly comes right over to me =) I put my hand out and there he came.

I have never ever held, nor touched a butterfly. I was soooo excited. My camera didn't fog up, the beauty stayed on my finger for at least 2 minutes. I, of course, got pics of him.


I cried and cried and cried. God told me to wait and He would show me how much He loves me. He knew how much the butterflies meant to me. He knew how much taking pics of the butterflies meant to me. HE loved me enough to wait for me to go and get my camera. He loved me so much that He for the first time ever, let me hold this magnificent creature.

I cried all the way to pick up Juan. He indeed showed me how much I was loved. Who loves me enough to bring me a butterfly and perch him upon my finger just so I can appreciate the beauty of him!

God is so magnificent. Worthy of so much praise!!! Oh how I love Him.

He loves me too =)


Happy Tuesday! I haven't stopped smiling all afternoon!



Monday, August 30, 2010


Church was so fantastic. If you have Itunes and wanna listen, it's free. 8/29 =) Absolutely fantastic =)


Daniel did a fantastic job =)

Happy Monday!

Friday, August 27, 2010

My Conversation With God This Morning. Oh, How I Missed Him!

Well Melzie and I were on a no negativity campaign......Yesterday for awhile hers went to hell in a hand basket and I followed her right on down.

I have no idea what happened. None. I'm lost again. Last night I laid in my bed, typical for my downward spirals and got angry at God. Why? Who knows. I will admit I wasn't very nice......He tried to talk to me and sadly I went something like this."You ask me to do this stuff and then I don't hear from you and now I'm down, down, down and you want to talk?" then I followed it with a "Just leave me alone."

Talk about feeling awful for saying those things. Those feelings just amplified what a piece of crap I am, sending me even further down. I cried myself to sleep (suprise) and woke up.

Tried to be positive but couldn't. I couldn't wait to get the kids dropped off at school and out of the car so I could just cry.

I was on a real pity potty today. No shame in admitting it, we all get on them. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm frustrated and I just want to be loved.

I get back in the car and God loud and clear (It's been weeks since I have heard Him like that) "Lay it on me" I of course say "I don't feel like talking about it." and God sweetly says "Come on, tell me."

So.........I burst out into this sobbing......Telling Him how He asks me to do these things and I fail repeatedly. Fail over and over and over. I need His grace every 15 seconds because I am epically failing at everything. I told Him I do all this stuff because I just want to be loved. He sweetly says "You are." I say to Him, "How can you possibly love me? I'm a mess......I do everything wrong, I screw up every 15 seconds, I say the wrong things, I do the wrong things......I can't understand why you would love someone such a mess."

Sweetly He says "I love you because you are a mess." "Huh?" I say????? I go on to tell Him that I can't understand by human standards of loving someone because they are a mess. Ah...."unconditional love."

Sadly I do not understand the concept of love. When I think I have it, I do not. I honestly don't understand what it is. I tell this to God.... "God, I don't understand this love you want to give me, how am I supposed to even know you are giving it to me if I don't know what it is?"

He says "Wait on me." Then I tell Him "That is like you telling me you are going to send me this really rare insect from Indonesia and insects are all around me in every form........How is it possible that I would even know what it would look like because I don't know? If one comes up I had never seen .....Is that it? No, because now here comes another one I have never seen. How do I know? What does it look like?"

It's pretty pathetic that one can't know what true, real, unconditional love is.

So, I say again to Him "How? I don't understand?" He says to me "You don't need to understand, you can't understand."

So, I say "So basically I'm just waiting for something that I don't know what it is to just come my way."

"Yes" He says. "Be still and know that I am."

Again, "God, I don't understand what you are asking me to do, what do I do next?" He says "You go home, you go to your appointment and every minute you will do something different."

"Huh?" I say again. "Take my hand and just follow where I take you" He says.

"Well, what if I go somewhere wrong?" I say..........."You can't go wrong if you have taken my hand. I won't let you fall any further than I can catch you. My hand is out and I will catch you, so just walk with me."

I go silent because I just don't get it. How does one just not do anything and just sit and wait?

I guess I'll take it minute by minute and keep calling out for His grace as I need it. The past few days I have needed it quite often.

I will say that when I came inside I have a peace washed over me that can only be God.

Amazing......."He loves me because I'm a mess."

I love Him too. I just can't understand His love of someone like me. /Shrug.

Okay Melzie.....I'm ready to dust myself off and get back on my Positive Polly horse. Trading Negative Nelly in.

I love you God. I'm sorry for being such a brat.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Your Messy Dianna

Thursday, August 26, 2010

LOVE this song so very much =)

Majesty (Here I am) by Delirious

It's playing when you come to the page =) It's my favorite!

Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Is It Friday Yet?

The past couple of weeks have been doozies!

As I wrote last week, it's been a time filled with anxiety, sadness, crying, confusion...... I think there wasn't much left out of the potpouri of feelings.

We had death anniversary's, birthdays, parting of ways, son leaving off to college, sickness, exhaustion, changes all around, school starting. Sheesh.

My life got so rocky for a couple of weeks and I won't hesistate to say it is still a bit rocky now.

In the middle of an emotional tornado, not only does God decide to prune me of something quite huge, He goes silent.

Oh boy let me tell you what. I am 6 months into being a Christian and He really put me to the test the past couple of weeks.

I had an issue that I had been on the fence about for awhile, never dealt with so to speak......God says "Okay, it's time to get rid of it." I'm like "Huh?" So, again He says so sweetly "You wanna be in the desert 40 years or you wanna cross over?"

I got to thinking about this and I tell Him, "I wanna cross over, but you are asking me to do something that's impossible"....God then goes on to say "Without me......it's impossible, BUT, I would never ask you to do something that I wouldn't give you the strength and courage to do."

I reluctantly agree and then God goes pretty much silent. Day one comes and I'm back tracking like crazy, thinking maybe that was just me talking and not really God.......I ask God to give me confirmation if it was really Him.

I wait patiently, then I wait not so patiently. My life at this point takes a turn for the worse. If it could happen and it was bad it did. Everything going wrong, God is quiet.......I must've chosen wrong. It must not of been God.

I lay crying in my bed and ask God again "Am I doing what you ask?" He says "You are. You can't see what I see, you can't think what I think, you can't know what I know" So, I ask again "Will you please send confirmation that I am doing what is right."

Another day passes, everything and I do mean everything is going wrong. I at this point want to smack Murphy and his law.......What I am giving up it doesn't feel right. It feels wrong, I don't like it.....None of it feels right. God is still quiet, very, very quiet. I at times just have to ask "Are you here?" "I am" as He always says, but nothing else.

So.........Then after everything has gone wrong, I feel like my life is falling apart I run crying to God again.........."God this can't be right." and I go on to say "I haven't seen this in the bible anywhere etc".... He replies "When did you become such an expert on my word?" I shut up quickly, asked again for conformation and then asked Him to please have mercy on me. I told Him that I was being obedient and how very hard it was for me and told him all I'm asking for is for some confirmation....

At that moment I got it. A TV show was on......Talked about the Israelites and how it took them 40 years to make an 11 day trip. Then she went on to say "When you are giving up something from the flesh, it never feels good. When you are giving up something for the spirit, your flesh will ache. That is HOW you know it is right."

I cried at that moment and then thanked God profusely.

I would like to say after that everything turned around and my life was all happy, happy, joy, joy........But it's not.

I had the worst birthday I have ever had in my entire life. The absolute worst. I have had stress after stress. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm still confused.

I had a moment again yesterday where I asked God if I am still doing the right thing and he sweetly said "You are and I'm not going to change my mind."

He wouldn't ask me to do something unless it was for my own benefit. I have to keep telling myself this over and over.

It's hard to be obedient. It's hard to give things up. I have been pruned so much this year and had so many changes. It's proof there is a God because on my own....I am not strong enough to give these things up. If you know me, you know this is the truth.

With God ALL things really are possible. No matter how they may look to you.

At times this strength overwhelms me and the tears leave me and I wonder....What happened? It's God.

I get upset at myself and can't believe I keep questioning if it's the right thing to do and it's hard to remember that God isn't human. He doesn't think like humans and He said it best to me "His ways are not my ways."

Isaiah 55:8-9 (New International Version)

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I'm fighting Him so much on something that is for my own best interest. I'm tired of wandering in the desert. I'm ready to cross over, even if that means I have to prune 20 more things or people out of my life.

Keep me in your prayers and pray that God gets vocal for me soon. I miss Him. I take for granted the times I can hear Him so freely. I guess if I were able to hear Him every day so freely I wouldn't appreciate Him as much. I miss Him.

Happy Tuesday!



Friday, August 20, 2010

Love Is........

Feeling a TON better =)! I have been working on a project for my bedroom. I love this little cross my aunt gave me and it's my favorite bible verse. I am trying to make one for every season, I played around with summer yesterday...Gonna mess around with it more later to see if I can depict summer better. Anyways just sharing w/ you guys!! Have a fantastic weekend!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


I'm not sure what happened this weekend. It felt like every ground I had gained, every step of progress I had made came tumbling down so quickly around me........I still don't even know what happened.

My heart hurt miserably. I cried myself to sleep almost every night at points, the sobbing was uncontrollable..........Why?

Because I never healed. I had so much hurt to recover from.......What happened to Savannah, dealing with having to share Savannah, getting divorced, losing my house, losing my car........losing almost everything I knew and then losing WoW, my friends and Elmer too......

What did I do? I ran around and kept myself busy for hours, upon hours, upon hours. Not dealing with the pain but masking it with activity. I wouldn't stay home, I was afraid to stay home. If I was home and it was quiet then I would have to think about how bad my heart hurts.

I have ran all my life from everything. I think God brought the pneumonia into my life as a big wake up call saying "Hey, you........stop." I looked in the mirror the other night and I was just exhausted. I tried to say "God loves you" over and over in my head, but I just couldn't feel it.

Seems my whole life all I have wanted is to have someone who really loved me. Loved me for exactly who I was. Didn't think I was stupid, didn't think I was ugly, didn't want to hit me for whatever I did. Just wanted someone to love me.

God gives me this incredible gift of His love and I have no clue how to just let Him love me.

I don't understand the concept and it's extremely frustrating.

He gave me the realization that I can't accept His love until I heal. I have to heal the hurts that somewhere deep in my roots made me feel unworthy of love. What a big job He has.

This weekend I purposely quit running. I stayed home and let myself just feel. I felt everything. I opened up my heart and let all this hurt come in.

I can't keep running. I can't keep re-opening hurts. I have to heal. For once I have to put me first and let all of what happened in.

My instincts to run....Strong, but God took away my running shoes and replaced them with heavy bricks.

"Stay where you are child" He says. "Quit running."

"How?" I say...."Wait on me" He says.

I hope and pray for my sake He heals me quickly. My heart feels like it has a knife in it and it's actual, physical pain.

Sometimes it hurts to even breathe in. I want my running shoes back, I don't want to feel this.

Pray for me. It hurts.

The good side is that if it has to hurt at least it hurts with God. No better hands to be in than the one who made me. The author of my book will heal me in His time and finish writing my story.

Oh how I love Him.

Going to go crawl into bed and cry and leave my heart to God to sew up gently and repair all the holes.

His Love is the best of band-aids...

I just hope and pray for quickness......But learning more about God I learn the slower things are done, the better.

He brought me to it, He WILL get me through it. My faith doesn't lack there or else I wouldn't of stopped. I'm ready for it to be finished.

Isaiah 61:1

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,

Father, thank you for sending your son to do so much for us. My heart needs so much binding, I hope heaven has enough thread. I'm tired Father, I'm tired of crying myself to sleep, I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of wandering around this earth not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Please help me choose the right roads and please help me to remember that if I choose the wrong road Your grace is upon me. Quickly lead me back to Your road if I should stray.

My head is swirling in confusion. You are the author of peace, please help me find it.

I'll meet you in my garden soon Father. Thank You for walking with me and talking with me. Thank you for being so patient with me and for loving me so much. Thank you for today. Thank you for opening my flowers after my nap. I wasn't expecting that. =D The things you do for me.

I love You so much Papa. So very, very much. Please open my heart and heal me that I can accept all the love You have for me.

Watch over me and my family as we sleep and please be with my friends as they have asked for much needed prayers.

Again, I love You.

Nite, nite.


Saturday, August 14, 2010


This week has been rough by so many standards. I have had overwhelming sadness at points, confusion, stress, anxiety.

Late last night I finally broke down and just cried. I'm tired.

I have changed and it's not only hard for others, it's hard for me. I wrote some blog entries earlier this week and I will honestly admit, I got to thinking........."People are going to think I'm absolutely crazy."

I worry about this all the time. I try to talk to people about God and write about God to others, but coming from who I was, I'm not sure they know what to think. I get embarrassed because it's not me, or at least it wasn't me. Then I feel overwhelming guilt for getting embarrassed.

I was an angry, bitter person. I was grumpy all the time, addicted to video games, gossiped, swore like a sailor. A weak, wimpy, abused doormat.

I played Worlds of Warcraft all the time. My life revolved around it. Me and my boyfriend (in game....long complicated story) broke up and I decided to take Lent and just give it up for 40 days. I loved that game. I was someone in there, I wasn't in real life. Powerful, successful, well liked. I had friends there and I had this guy I thought loved me there. The whole thing.........All of it, was just a huge joke. None of it was real. It was a fake, pathetic excuse for a life. It wasn't real.

When I gave it up, I intended to go back. I planned this and that for when I went back, I couldn't wait for Lent to be over so I could! I had withdrawals from the game. I had headaches, got irritable and was shaky at times.

As Lent went on things started happening that I didn't understand. Where desires were to go back to this game I loved, the desire came to draw closer to the God I was falling in love with. Every day that went by, took with it the desire of wanting to play the game. Each day I prayed and got more involved with God, God went higher than that need for anything else. I could not have made that change myself. I don't even know what happened. I only know it did.

I couldn't curse anymore. The F word was my best friend. I couldn't say it anymore. No curse words. We went out somewhere, I can't remember where and I heard this girl cursing like you would not believe. I thought oh my gosh....That is how that sounds? It sounded awful and all I could think about is how a few weeks before I sounded just like that. I heard people say how awful it sounded, but God had to show me Himself how awful it was.

Little by little I am changing. Every day, slowly, I change. I really feel sometimes like I don't fit in anywhere because I'm not who I once was. I'm not even sure what people think. Are they saying I'm nuts? I got the religion? I think about these things and actually I cry a lot over them.

I try and I'll stress TRY here to go back to the way I was...Not the video games, but maybe I'll say something or do something...........get really angry over something just unbelievably stupid..........Whatever the instance.....My old clothes don't fit anymore. It doesn't work. Who I pretended to be back then, is not who I am.

I didn't choose this life for myself. It's not like I got out of bed when I was at my lowest point and said "Okay, nothing works I'll guess I'll become a Christian THEY HAVE TO LIKE ME."

Doesn't work that way. God chose me. For whatever reason, He chose me.

1 Corinthians 1:26-31

26 Consider your own call, brothers and sisters:* not many of you were wise by human standards,* not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. 27But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; 28God chose what is low and despised in the world, things that are not, to reduce to nothing things that are, 29so that no one* might boast in the presence of God. 30He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and redemption, 31in order that, as it is written, ‘Let the one who boasts, boast in* the Lord.’

He chose me as this weak, awful, angry, stupid girl. I couldn't go back to my old life if I tried. He grabbed a hold of me and He is not letting me go.

I feel so guilty (and I should) because I get embarrassed at times over my blog entries or because I mention God. I shouldn't feel that way.

So, I am going to work hard at only caring what God thinks. I don't care if you talk behind my back, I don't care if you make fun of me, I don't care if you can't accept me the way I am.

Am I going to slip up? You bet I am. That's where the gospel comes into play. Watch for me to slip up all you want. Will I ever go back to the way I was? You can guarantee I won't because God isn't letting me go there.

He chose me, He is changing me for the GOOD which is something no person could do. You can't put your trust or faith in people because they will let you down everytime.

I'm not going to be embarrassed anymore because I love God, if you don't like my blog entries, then choose not to read. If you don't want my emails where I mention God, delete them all..... HE is my life. If you have a problem with how I am now and how I have gotten "weird" take it up with my Father. There's no charge to call Him, no number to memorize to text Him. Take it up with Him and ask Him why I'm different. Ask Him to change you and watch what happens.

I'm tired of people pleasing. I'm tired of maintaining friendships with people that exhaust me and really don't care about me to begin with.

I pray that God can show me quickly how to stop caring what others think. Accept me as I am or leave me alone.

I love Him and that is one thing that won't change.

In a world where people disappoint me hourly, daily, monthly.....He never does. In a world where people lie over and over and over and over............You can't believe anything that comes out of their mouth.......God is truth.

I sleep with my bible at night. Tucked safety in my arms...........Why? Because everything around me changes, people around me hurt me. A lot of the times intentionally when I don't deserve it. I'm surrounded by lies and liars. Nothing changes in the bible. It's the one thing in my life I can count on. It's the truth and instead of caring what people think about me, I'm going to keep turning to that.

Maybe it's not wanting me to change back that you are afraid of, maybe you are afraid of what God is going to make me.

Look out.

I for one can't wait to see the places He takes me and it is written that He will.



Friday, August 13, 2010

You Know

That old saying holds so much truth "When you play with fire you are going to get burned."

How many times does it take? How many times to do you have burn yourself before you realize that the fire isn't going to change, it's always going to burn.

Fire isn't capable of changing, it is what it is.

It's job is to burn things. It knows nothing else.

Same with people, they will never be anything else than what they are.

Lesson learned for GOOD this time.

It is what it is. They are who they are.

Happy Friday!



Thursday, August 12, 2010

I Went to Heaven this Morning

Trying to fully wake up. My face is still wet from tears.

God showed me around heaven this morning, in my dreams I suppose. He took me through His garden. It was filled with every flower you could imagine and then some you couldn't. There were colors I have never seen, things I have never seen. I'm not even sure if in closing my eyes I could portray a picture to you that does heaven justice. Tall, tall castles all about, each with gardens not even a master landscaper could re-create.

I had wings and there were sunflowers so tall that I could just float up to see the top of. If we walked somewhere we would just zip along. He took me to this edge and showed me this great, great sea. At the back of the sea was the sun. Not like our earthly sun, but like this huge heavenly light. Angels were hanging out on the beach. None of them had faces from what I could see. They all had enormous wings. Some had harps and horns and they just stood on the sea shore, playing the most beautiful music. It's as if they were welcoming newcomers to heaven. Maybe they were waiting for their family to come through the light and the second they came through, they wanted their family to know "This is heaven."

There were birds in heaven, all sorts. Dogs running through Gods gardens, but not as dogs, as lights. Cats, bunnies, animals I had no clue what they were........The best part of all came when two lights came swirling about me. They swirled and swirled and stopped. I asked God "Am I dead papa?" "No" he said, "your earthly body is still very much alive, but I thought you'd appreciate my garden."

The two lights came back again and stopped in front of me. They had faces. One was mamaw and the other was Dorothy Ann. Another quick light came over and it was papaw. He simply said "Hi" and then before I knew it, he was gone. Mamaw and Dorothy kept going away and coming back swirling around me. I was crying out to mamaw, "Please come back, please come back!" She came back and said "Dianna, it's not an easy job keeping all of you safe, you keep me very busy." Dorothy Ann came back and she had her piercing blue eyes. She hugged me tightly and said "Tell my family I'm keeping them all safe."

I asked God "Is that how it works?" He said "How what works?" "Heaven" I said. I was confused because I thought heaven was relaxing and just enjoying everything. "God walked (floated?) with me some more through His garden telling me that everyone has work in heaven. It's based upon how we live our lives.... How we live.... what we do... determines the job. I said "So, they keep people safe God?" He says "They have a very special job child, they keep their families safe." I said "just mine?" To which He replied "Mamaw takes care of you, your mom,Johnny, Lindsay, Carol, Mary Lee, Karen. All of you." "She wants to do it" He said "To her and for you, that's the most important job there is. She's stored up blessings in heaven for you, therefore you guys get really special angels." "She's one?" I ask. "Yes child" He replied.

I asked Him if I could help Him take care of His garden when I get to heaven. "Of course" He replied, "But, it doesn't work like your earthly garden." He walked over to this tall red flower and He placed His hand on this huge,huge leaf.....The red flower looked like it bent over to kiss His hand. Was beautiful.

I asked where Dorothy Ann was and He said "She's taking care of her family."

I couldn't find Brett. Poopie ran over and Gracie ran over. Not as dogs, but as light. I looked for Brett and asked God...."Where's Brett?" God said "Sometimes people don't want to come to heaven, they are lost and they roam the earth." I asked if he could come to heaven and He said "He's lost." I said to God "It says in the bible that you find lost people and you help lost people." He got down on His knees and looked in my eyes and said "Not if they don't want to leave earth child. Sometimes they don't want to come to heaven, they wait." This made me sad and God told me "There is no sadness or tears in heaven."

He led me again to His garden and mamaw came back. She swirled around me again and again then started flying away. I said "Mamaw, mamaw please don't leave." She turned around and stopped, said "I love you Dianna, look for me in daisies." In an instant she flew away.

I didn't want her to go, I tried to fly after her but her light was so much faster than my wings. Dorothy Ann came back and gave me an even bigger hug than before. What's funny is I always remembered her hugs. Maybe she knew that. I asked her not to go too, I wanted to talk to her. "How will we find you?" I called after her... "Tell my family to look for me in the blue birds, they'll know what I mean." In an instant her light just as quick as mamaws flew away.

God told me it was time to go back, but before we went He picked this beautiful flower for me. It was a shade of blue I had never ever seen and He told me to take it with me as a reminder of what's waiting for me.

I woke up and was sobbing, evidentally I was sobbing even as I slept. My heart wasn't heavy, I was very peaceful. I look over my shoulder at the base of my cross on my bed and there's a pic of me and mamaw =).

Made me happy to think mamaw was keeping us all safe and Dorothy Ann was keeping all the country cousins safe. Different lights flew around me when I was there, but I didn't know who they were. Maybe they knew me, maybe they were people from my family that I didn't know.

It makes me feel a lot better knowing that mamaw is looking after our family, keeping us safe.

I miss them both very much. I hope and pray Brett finds his way to heaven.

Happy Thursday.



**I have to add, I woke up and after everything settled in I talked to God about my dream...I asked Him if it was real, He replied "What do you think?" I asked Him if it was real, how come I could see everything, even touch a flower, but I felt disconnected from Mamaw, Dorothy Ann....Just over all had no feelings.......He said "I gave you a glimpse with your eyes, a moment with your hand, a second you had with your ears.... If I had given you the scent and feelings of heaven, you wouldn't of wanted to go back."

=) Amen!

Saturday, August 07, 2010

I'll Dance With You From Heaven

I asked God to reveal to me, why I am like I am. Why I have such a difficult time not only accepting love from people, but accepting His love.

Little by little things are revealed to me, moments and things taken from me when I was a child. All those things taken both big and small, made me become who I was. Those things made me feel like I was undeserving of anything, even undeserving of love.

God has taken on the task to reverse all this. He wants to heal every single heartbreak. He shows me what happened and shows me "The absolute TRUTH." Like untying a huge knot. He does it perfectly with grace and with ease. I feel so much better after each knot gets untied. He truly is a master at whatever He does and He does not fail. Ever.

It's amazing how He does it. Simply amazing.

When I was a little girl, all I dreamed about was being this fancy bride. I used to use my First Communion veil and pretend I was getting married. Of course I used to marry Ponch from CHIPS and Bo and Luke Duke. The guy sometimes changed, but the wedding didn't. It was this beautiful event! Horse drawn carriages, me in a big beautiful gown, lots of people and a huge cake, the groom at the end of the aisle who loved me so much that he wanted to marry me!

Last night something came on TV and a bride came on, out of no where tears just flooded my eyes. I always wanted a real wedding. A big wedding with a dress, a church, father and daughter dance..........The whole she-bang.

My wedding was getting married in a blue polka dot dress borrowed from my aunt on some court house steps in front of statue.

When I got engaged I was so excited!! I went to my dads first to tell them and my step mom immediately said "Don't expect your dad to pay for any of this or help in any way."

If you could hear glass breaking, I did in that moment. Once again she took away a dream I had. I get so mad at times and wonder what gave her that right to take that dream away from me? What did I do that was so bad for her to take so much from me and leave me this shell of a body that believed she deserved to be hated?

I heard those words and closed my eyes and saw her daughter,Debbies wedding which happened a couple years later. They paid for everything. She had this beautiful dress, a gorgeous veil. For whatever reason (probably to rub it in) they called me to go to Debbies last fitting. I sat there behind them, crying because she looked beautiful. She always got what I wanted. Always.

Her wedding was beautiful, they asked me to be in it, so I got a front row view of the wedding I was denied.

I was sad. Big limos, fancy dresses....Sad.

What made me cry wasn't remembering the wedding. It was remembering the father daughter dance. She danced with her dad and then they had a second dance for my father and her. I looked over at the dance floor and saw them dancing and without hesistation I ran for the exit. I pushed people out of the way trying to get down the steps as quickly as I could.

I ran behind the building and cried for quite awhile. I know my step mother saw me run out and was probably laughing at me as I did. She's the one who took away my room, my wedding, my identity.....so much, but most of all she took away the one thing that hurt the worst. My father.

While I was crying I hear God say to me in His small still voice, "What's wrong child?" I told him the whole sordid story and told him how I just wanted to be a bride who deserved a big wedding and wanted to dance with my dad. I was inaudible at points. I was so sad. "Why Father (God), why did I not deserve a wedding? Why didn't I get to dance with my dad? Why did he let her take so much from me?"

I said "Papa, when I get to heaven will you dance with me?"

God whispered to me, "Let me show you what you deserve, I can dance with you from heaven child. Close your eyes."

I closed my eyes and there I was in the most exquisite wedding gown I have ever laid eyes upon! The floor flew out from underneath me and the stars became a dance floor. Every spin around the dance floor you could see the whole entire galaxy. The moon, the earth, planets I had never seen. The stars were shooting and sprinkling all over me and around me. It felt as if that was Gods love raining down on me in the most perfect fashion it could. In that moment I felt such intense love. Love like I have never known.

Flashes went before my eyes......I was dancing with Him as a small child, standing on His feet. Every stage, even the stages I hated myself, was there dancing with our Father. The stars falling on me at every age, the love overwhelming me at every age.

God looked down at me and kissed me so softly on my forehead and said "This child, this is what you deserved."

Right in that moment I fell asleep with the biggest smile on my face. The feeling in my heart was not only peace, but this mind blowing love. I wanted a father, daughter dance and He gave me one. A million times better than what I could ever of experienced here on earth. I wish you could've seen it. Breathtaking doesn't even describe it.


He reveals to me so slowly why I am the way I am. I never know what moment He is going to show me next, I only know they come at the oddest times and they are all moments where I felt like I was completely and utterly a waste of a human life. I felt like Invisible me.

I will treasure that dance always.

I love my Father!! I absolutely love and adore Him.

Now it's time to start working on accepting the love He shows me.

"I can dance with you from heaven child."

I have the BEST Father ever =)

Happy Saturday!



Friday, August 06, 2010

Alas, It's Friday!!!

Been a bit since I have written. Been in bed most of the week from my nice gluten encounter. Usually I develop an aversion from the place after ingesting gluten and oh why, oh why did it have to be Q-doba? I LOVED that place..........Not anymore! I can't even think about it.

Summer is almost over and I'm starting to get a bit sad. It went entirely too fast. I love being able to go in the yard, plant things, watch my flowers grow. Winter brings it's own beauty, but I have a new found love of spring and summer.

Gonna do a longer update this weekend. I have plenty O' free time! But wanted to do a drive by posting to say all is wonderful =)

Love you guys!