I'm not sure what happened this weekend. It felt like every ground I had gained, every step of progress I had made came tumbling down so quickly around me........I still don't even know what happened.
My heart hurt miserably. I cried myself to sleep almost every night at points, the sobbing was uncontrollable..........Why?
Because I never healed. I had so much hurt to recover from.......What happened to Savannah, dealing with having to share Savannah, getting divorced, losing my house, losing my car........losing almost everything I knew and then losing WoW, my friends and Elmer too......
What did I do? I ran around and kept myself busy for hours, upon hours, upon hours. Not dealing with the pain but masking it with activity. I wouldn't stay home, I was afraid to stay home. If I was home and it was quiet then I would have to think about how bad my heart hurts.
I have ran all my life from everything. I think God brought the pneumonia into my life as a big wake up call saying "Hey, you........stop." I looked in the mirror the other night and I was just exhausted. I tried to say "God loves you" over and over in my head, but I just couldn't feel it.
Seems my whole life all I have wanted is to have someone who really loved me. Loved me for exactly who I was. Didn't think I was stupid, didn't think I was ugly, didn't want to hit me for whatever I did. Just wanted someone to love me.
God gives me this incredible gift of His love and I have no clue how to just let Him love me.
I don't understand the concept and it's extremely frustrating.
He gave me the realization that I can't accept His love until I heal. I have to heal the hurts that somewhere deep in my roots made me feel unworthy of love. What a big job He has.
This weekend I purposely quit running. I stayed home and let myself just feel. I felt everything. I opened up my heart and let all this hurt come in.
I can't keep running. I can't keep re-opening hurts. I have to heal. For once I have to put me first and let all of what happened in.
My instincts to run....Strong, but God took away my running shoes and replaced them with heavy bricks.
"Stay where you are child" He says. "Quit running."
"How?" I say...."Wait on me" He says.
I hope and pray for my sake He heals me quickly. My heart feels like it has a knife in it and it's actual, physical pain.
Sometimes it hurts to even breathe in. I want my running shoes back, I don't want to feel this.
Pray for me. It hurts.
The good side is that if it has to hurt at least it hurts with God. No better hands to be in than the one who made me. The author of my book will heal me in His time and finish writing my story.
Oh how I love Him.
Going to go crawl into bed and cry and leave my heart to God to sew up gently and repair all the holes.
His Love is the best of band-aids...
I just hope and pray for quickness......But learning more about God I learn the slower things are done, the better.
He brought me to it, He WILL get me through it. My faith doesn't lack there or else I wouldn't of stopped. I'm ready for it to be finished.
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
Father, thank you for sending your son to do so much for us. My heart needs so much binding, I hope heaven has enough thread. I'm tired Father, I'm tired of crying myself to sleep, I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of wandering around this earth not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing.
Please help me choose the right roads and please help me to remember that if I choose the wrong road Your grace is upon me. Quickly lead me back to Your road if I should stray.
My head is swirling in confusion. You are the author of peace, please help me find it.
I'll meet you in my garden soon Father. Thank You for walking with me and talking with me. Thank you for being so patient with me and for loving me so much. Thank you for today. Thank you for opening my flowers after my nap. I wasn't expecting that. =D The things you do for me.
I love You so much Papa. So very, very much. Please open my heart and heal me that I can accept all the love You have for me.
Watch over me and my family as we sleep and please be with my friends as they have asked for much needed prayers.
Again, I love You.