Saturday, August 14, 2010


This week has been rough by so many standards. I have had overwhelming sadness at points, confusion, stress, anxiety.

Late last night I finally broke down and just cried. I'm tired.

I have changed and it's not only hard for others, it's hard for me. I wrote some blog entries earlier this week and I will honestly admit, I got to thinking........."People are going to think I'm absolutely crazy."

I worry about this all the time. I try to talk to people about God and write about God to others, but coming from who I was, I'm not sure they know what to think. I get embarrassed because it's not me, or at least it wasn't me. Then I feel overwhelming guilt for getting embarrassed.

I was an angry, bitter person. I was grumpy all the time, addicted to video games, gossiped, swore like a sailor. A weak, wimpy, abused doormat.

I played Worlds of Warcraft all the time. My life revolved around it. Me and my boyfriend (in game....long complicated story) broke up and I decided to take Lent and just give it up for 40 days. I loved that game. I was someone in there, I wasn't in real life. Powerful, successful, well liked. I had friends there and I had this guy I thought loved me there. The whole thing.........All of it, was just a huge joke. None of it was real. It was a fake, pathetic excuse for a life. It wasn't real.

When I gave it up, I intended to go back. I planned this and that for when I went back, I couldn't wait for Lent to be over so I could! I had withdrawals from the game. I had headaches, got irritable and was shaky at times.

As Lent went on things started happening that I didn't understand. Where desires were to go back to this game I loved, the desire came to draw closer to the God I was falling in love with. Every day that went by, took with it the desire of wanting to play the game. Each day I prayed and got more involved with God, God went higher than that need for anything else. I could not have made that change myself. I don't even know what happened. I only know it did.

I couldn't curse anymore. The F word was my best friend. I couldn't say it anymore. No curse words. We went out somewhere, I can't remember where and I heard this girl cursing like you would not believe. I thought oh my gosh....That is how that sounds? It sounded awful and all I could think about is how a few weeks before I sounded just like that. I heard people say how awful it sounded, but God had to show me Himself how awful it was.

Little by little I am changing. Every day, slowly, I change. I really feel sometimes like I don't fit in anywhere because I'm not who I once was. I'm not even sure what people think. Are they saying I'm nuts? I got the religion? I think about these things and actually I cry a lot over them.

I try and I'll stress TRY here to go back to the way I was...Not the video games, but maybe I'll say something or do something...........get really angry over something just unbelievably stupid..........Whatever the instance.....My old clothes don't fit anymore. It doesn't work. Who I pretended to be back then, is not who I am.

I didn't choose this life for myself. It's not like I got out of bed when I was at my lowest point and said "Okay, nothing works I'll guess I'll become a Christian THEY HAVE TO LIKE ME."

Doesn't work that way. God chose me. For whatever reason, He chose me.

1 Corinthians 1:26-31

26 Consider your own call, brothers and sisters:* not many of you were wise by human standards,* not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. 27But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; 28God chose what is low and despised in the world, things that are not, to reduce to nothing things that are, 29so that no one* might boast in the presence of God. 30He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and redemption, 31in order that, as it is written, ‘Let the one who boasts, boast in* the Lord.’

He chose me as this weak, awful, angry, stupid girl. I couldn't go back to my old life if I tried. He grabbed a hold of me and He is not letting me go.

I feel so guilty (and I should) because I get embarrassed at times over my blog entries or because I mention God. I shouldn't feel that way.

So, I am going to work hard at only caring what God thinks. I don't care if you talk behind my back, I don't care if you make fun of me, I don't care if you can't accept me the way I am.

Am I going to slip up? You bet I am. That's where the gospel comes into play. Watch for me to slip up all you want. Will I ever go back to the way I was? You can guarantee I won't because God isn't letting me go there.

He chose me, He is changing me for the GOOD which is something no person could do. You can't put your trust or faith in people because they will let you down everytime.

I'm not going to be embarrassed anymore because I love God, if you don't like my blog entries, then choose not to read. If you don't want my emails where I mention God, delete them all..... HE is my life. If you have a problem with how I am now and how I have gotten "weird" take it up with my Father. There's no charge to call Him, no number to memorize to text Him. Take it up with Him and ask Him why I'm different. Ask Him to change you and watch what happens.

I'm tired of people pleasing. I'm tired of maintaining friendships with people that exhaust me and really don't care about me to begin with.

I pray that God can show me quickly how to stop caring what others think. Accept me as I am or leave me alone.

I love Him and that is one thing that won't change.

In a world where people disappoint me hourly, daily, monthly.....He never does. In a world where people lie over and over and over and over............You can't believe anything that comes out of their mouth.......God is truth.

I sleep with my bible at night. Tucked safety in my arms...........Why? Because everything around me changes, people around me hurt me. A lot of the times intentionally when I don't deserve it. I'm surrounded by lies and liars. Nothing changes in the bible. It's the one thing in my life I can count on. It's the truth and instead of caring what people think about me, I'm going to keep turning to that.

Maybe it's not wanting me to change back that you are afraid of, maybe you are afraid of what God is going to make me.

Look out.

I for one can't wait to see the places He takes me and it is written that He will.




L. Eubanks said...

Crying because it is so beautiful what God has done in your life. Your story helps keep me going on days when I just wanna give up. I love you and am so grateful to God for you.

Linney Bell

Brandy said...

Stay on that path sister! In the end our relationship with God matters more than anything. I can't say I've been "exactly" where you have been but I've had glimpses of those thoughts and situations. If we let God lead our lives the best will come. If others are scared of that - it's because God wants them too! I love this blog..just open and honest! Keep pressing onward.

Jeanette said...

I know it is easier said than done, but don't worry about what others are saying or thinking about you. Live your life for YOU!! Never be embarressed by allowing God into your life.