Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Happy New Years

2013 has less than 6 hours left and I have really been contemplating this past year. I will say it was a huge year of personal growth for me, especially with my meds. God delivered me from so much emotional turmoil I was experiencing and now I feel as if I am who I really am.

Depression robbed so much of my life and I had no idea how severe it was, until now, when I'm out of it. Well, I'm not even sure if I'm out of it, but coming out of it. I like different things, I am discovering who I am. I am developing my strengths and letting go and accepting my weaknesses. Most importantly I am letting go of what's behind me and just going to enjoy what's ahead.

It's amazing to me the changes that have come my way.

I had a wonderful Christmas. Elmer made sure I had stuff to open under the tree and for once I had NO idea what any of it was. It was nice to feel like a child opening surprises. He truly spoiled me with gifts and it really did make my Christmas wonderful.

Troy enjoyed his second Christmas, Savannah and the boys enjoyed theirs.

My one word for this past year is growth and I hope that 2014 brings even more growth so I can develop into the woman God wants me to be.]

Have a wonderful New Year.

Much Love,

Me <3

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Packing up and moving on

I started taking Zoloft back in August and I have had dream after dream about packing up all my stuff in my old houses and moving out. Sometimes it's the same house, sometimes it's a different house where I have lived. I see all my old stuff, I'm always in a hurry to pack it up because for whatever reason I have to quickly get out.

Last night again I have dreamed about my house on S. 6th street. I dream about there more than any other place. I loved that townhouse, I'm not sure why I revisit it so much. Last night I was going back because I left so much stuff there and I had one day to grab what I could. It's funny before Brett died he gave me this heart necklace the Christmas before he died. I for the life of me couldn't remember what it looked like. My first ex husband went into my room at my moms when I was at cosmetology school and stole my jewelry box. It had my necklace from Brett, our wedding rings we were to use when we got married. Had special jewelry in it....Well, he stole it and pawned every single bit of it and told me that I didn't need any of that garbage anymore.

Well last night when I was grabbing what I could, I saw the necklace, it was the exact necklace. I was so happy because I had forgotten what it looked like and it was so precious to see it. I also saw my grandmas old armoire that I had and blankets. I was grabbing the boys old toys for troy. It's funny because the toys I had seen in my dream were the toys I had to leave behind in Virginia the VERY last time my husband had hit me. I had to go and left so much behind. I saw the rocking horse and blankets I had left behind. I was grabbing anything I could to take for Troy. I saw my old blankets, socks, my old shoes.

They are the most bizarre dreams and I have them all the time. I wake up remembering every detail. Sometimes I move out of Tallow Lane, sometimes Washington street...most of the time it's 6th street.

I have no idea what it means. I have looked it up online and it says I'm packing up emotional baggage and healing. Maybe that is true. I like going back though and looking at my stuff. I loathe the rush to grab and get out and have to go so much in a hurry.

Even though the dreams aren't real, I find it amazing that somewhere hidden deep in my brain, it remembered every detail of that necklace. Every single detail.

I'm in awe over it and very grateful for the opportunity to see and hold it again. I can't understand how one part of me can forget and yet another part of me can remember so vividly.

Anyway, I love the dreams I have on my meds.

Merry Christmas.



Thursday, November 28, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving.

Have had a really nice day with family and friends.

Over ate.

Got asked out on a date.

Took a nice long drive.

Wrote a special email telling someone how much they mean to me.

They ignored it......@@

Fed my dogs turkey

Spent the whole day with my sweetie pie Savannah

Got to see my dad and mom both on the same holiday

Spent time with my heavenly Father

Very thankful for the people that took the time to tell me how much I mean to them.

I too am thankful for you also.

Life really is good when you focus on those who truly love you.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving.



Tuesday, November 12, 2013

It's November!

I have set out to blog a few times, but nothing is really going on that is exciting to write about.

Things are the same in some ways and yet so different in others. I'm finding more out about myself, my limits, my likes and dislikes.....Most importantly, why I am the way I am.

I have had a lot of bad stuff happen to me and I am doing my best to just put it behind me and let it stay in the past. I will heal from it all and I'm slowly getting there.

God is really dealing with me on things that I can not control. Things I worry over, stress over, get sad over. Sometimes the thoughts creep up and I am gently asked "Is there anything you can do about it?" No....Being stressed, angry or sad over things I can't control is pointless. It's not going to stop it. Some days this is a little harder when I feel like I'm being tested and tried by people......I remember God is bigger.

God will take care of it and make things right in His time, not mine.

I'm very thankful for God and thankful that He is healing me the right way and that He took away the weight of my worries over a problem I had no control over.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving



Tuesday, October 15, 2013

My October Post

On the side effects of my Zoloft, it didn't list the one about massive confusion that accompanies recovery.

The stomach ache goes away, the sleepiness goes away, headaches go away...The confusion thus far hasn't.

What was grey before is either black or white now and I've never had to make decisions based on black and white. Only grey, I suppose that's why I always stayed in the same rut.

I posted a couple months earlier that I couldn't cry, that side effect was now gone and while I don't cry as frequently, tears have been shed. When my heart is really broken, not even medicine can keep those tears away.

I started therapy again last month to help with the confusion and it's helping to some degree, but I'm not there yet.

Today I went to the Dr. and the store. Both used to be anxiety provoking situations and I breezed through them and enjoyed things around me. The no hurry aspect is nice.

I don't look at myself in the mirror much anymore and feel utter hate. I have worth and value and most of all I have a voice too. One that matters, one that has things to say that are important.

One day at a time, one moment at a time.

That's the best I can do and now I can do it with patience and God.

I prayed for things that I'm not strong enough for and I find myself being strong enough for them.

I'm getting used to my disappointment of people around me, never realzing how mentally ill some are and some of them just out right mean.

I was very shocked for awhile and didn't know if it was just me, but it's not.

No grey....Black or white.

All these things are good in some ways, just take some getting used too.

I'll be okay.




Thursday, September 19, 2013

Been A lot Longer Than A Month!

I was going to try to update every month, real life creeps in and well, almost 2 months later.

Things are going really well. I lost a sweet friend to cancer which really threw my emotions all around but aside from that, things are going great.

I love my zoloft, the changes it has made for me are amazing. It was like I had on beer goggles and they came off and I'm like WHOA!

My mind is clear, focused and my mind is happy.

I had to start therapy again because I had a lot of shock seeing the way things really are vs how I thought they were when I was so depressed. I feel like it's going to take some time to get used to people again that are already in my life and accept them for who or what they are. That's been the biggest adjustment for me is people.

I don't have anything else to add except ......God is great, beer or water in my case is good and people are crazy!!!

I'm a rebel today, my headband says right or left and I switched it up and turned it around just to be different!

YAY for rebel!

Okay I have had a busy day and a very blessed day.

Til next month!!!


Thursday, August 08, 2013


Well, I have suffered from anxiety, depression and panic attacks for about 20 years. I have been terrified of taking meds for that 20 years. I reached probably my lowest low I have had in a long while. I couldn't take anymore stress, depression.....rejection. I was unable to cope. By the grace of God, He gave me the strength I needed to start taking the pills to get better.

I was terrified of side effects, but most of the side effects were the same of what I was already having from so much stress and anxiety. I decided I wanted a life for myself. I want to get out and do things and I want to go places and be someone.

I can't do it by myself. I needed help. The first few days I noticed a quiet come over my brain. No racing thoughts, no cloudy thinking. My thinking was very clear. It was enough of a push to get me through. I had some dry mouth and drowsiness, but kept pushing on.

I'm almost 2 weeks into it and I can't tell too much of a difference on some things, but in other areas I can. For starters I can't cry...For me this is a good thing. I feel numb and that's how I want to feel....or not feel.

I don't want to feel that pain that's constantly there. I'm hoping more than anything as I continue taking the meds that, that happens.

As I said above, my thinking is clearer which is really nice. It's like my brain is on vacation.

I also have an OCD thing with time.......I have to know how long something takes...What time it is.......What time it's over.

That is slacking off some. I'm not checking the time a lot. I did ask my hairdresser today how long my appointment would take LOL, I already know how long it takes, but I had to ask anyways. Time.......

So as a whole, so far so good.

I just really hope for no more pain inside. I have felt so much.

One thing that I have to share is that like with the diet, I know that is God because I can't diet without His help...The pills......That's God. I never in a million years would have taken those pills. NEVER. I never dreamed of a day that would come where I would have the courage to take them. It's Him. He's putting me on my path to take me where I'm supposed to be.

I was thrilled to know that He is working in my life.

I really hope and pray that I get who I am back quickly.

I am a lot happier and smile and laugh a lot now.

I'm ready.

Have a great week.



Sunday, July 28, 2013

It's almost August 3.

It's almost August 3. As always this time of year, I'm depressed. I miss him.

Started taking anti depressants because I'm to the point of not being able to cope with things. I'm lonely, I miss being touched.

I miss holding hands, I miss a lot.

I'm in a weird head space lately and just blah.

Pray for me.




Saturday, July 13, 2013

I Prayed for Something Different

Well, after years and years of praying for the same thing...Today I changed my prayer.

I never in a million years thought I would get to this point. I'm still in disbelief that I'm finally to this point.

My eyes opened. My hearts at peace with it.

I have prayed. He will answer.

He is faithful, He is good. I'm tired of fighting His will.

I'm ready.

Keeping praying for me please.

Pray hard.



Tuesday, June 25, 2013

What is it with the Midnight Hour?

I have been getting so much better about accepting the choices I make, not crying over everything, dealing with things a little bit better...I'm not sure what's up with midnight, but last night I had a nice cry fest with God.

Have you ever just been really sorry for something? Like over the moon sorry? I was thinking back to years ago and an instance that happened with Kyle and man......I was just wrong. I'm not sure why that crept up on me, but I repented to God and just had a good cry. I wish I could forget that moment, but maybe I learned from it. Our marriage was horrible, we fought, we hurt each other. He was my people though and ugh, I don't know. I just feel bad for that moment, really bad.

Then it all rolled over to my dad and what a mess that is.......Then it rolled over to how God is my Father and how I'm forgiven and loved.

I wish life came with instructions.

Anyways...Enjoying my summer, swimming, eating, losing weight =) I walked this morning, then went swimming, felt so good. It was hot and I was sweating. I lost more weight and I'm looking really good. I'm feeling a lot better.

I will not fail this time because God has changed my heart where food is concerned.

He hasn't changed this chipmunks appetite who is looking me square in the eye on his hind legs begging me to come feed him.

Have a great week and see you again in a month!



Monday, June 10, 2013

It's Almost Midnight

I'm not sure if I'm tired or not.

For the past few weeks my spirit and soul are exhausted.

What do you do when what's inside of you, the part that is you, is tired?

You ever just sit and not know what to do? Wrong choices, bad choices...What if I choose wrong?

Some situations I'm in lately, it doesn't matter if I choose wrong because I'm not sure if one choice would feel any worse than the other.

What's that say?

There are roads all over my life to take, to not take.

I was discussing with family the other day about when I got better, what was different?

They knew immediately and I don't want to think that they are right, but they spoke the truth to me.

I just don't know what to do.

Psalm 6:6 NIV
New International Version

I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.

That's me......I'm worn out, not just my eyes from crying, my heart from no security.

I was listening to JM this morning, like I try to do every Monday all day......Listening to her talk about her years of abuse and how the best gift God ever gave her

was her husband who never waivers from who he is. He's stable, the same every day.

Someone who you know will wake up and be in the same mood every day, someone who says or does the same stuff with consistency.

I can't imagine someone in my life who is consistent. That's not just with men, but with anyone.

Consistent. Content.

Truthful. Honest.


Truthful. Honest. Content. Satisfied.

Truthful. Honest. Content. Satisfied.

Truthful. Honest. Content. Satisfied.

Why does everything have to be so hard?

Well, the clocks about to strike 12

My coach turns into a pumpkin at midnight.




Sunday, June 02, 2013

My Sweetest Oldest Friend

My heart is so heavy tonight...My best friend isn't doing so well. He's starting to lose bowel function and is going in the house every day now. He tried to get up tonight and couldn't. He couldn't get up the steps, now he can't go down the steps. He gets so short of breath and has tumors covering his body.

I want to tell him it's okay if he leaves me, that I'll be okay.....But, it won't be.

If he leaves this world, that's someone gone that I know that truly loves me. I have so few and well, losing him....He genuinely loves me, and I him.

When he got sick a couple of years ago, I remember standing out back at midnight looking up at the full moon and the stars twinkling in the sky. I begged God to give me a couple more years with him. God complied as He always does. I also asked God to never, ever put me in the position of having to have Opie put to sleep. To please let him die asleep, peacefully.

I couldn't take that guilt of not knowing if I did the right thing.

I don't want him to go.

I don't.

I got him after I moved out of shelter housing, Kyle and I first townhouse together. Kyle went and got him at the shelter, it was his last chance. He had been returned so many times. He ran off with Kyle's wallet and Kyle knew that was the dog I would want.

He came in and my heart instantly knew, that was *MY* dog. When I couldn't leave the house, he never left my side. He has raised my kids with me, kept me safe. Wagged his tail every time I have walked in the door.

He waits for me and I just don't know what I would do to not have him waiting for me anymore.

He'll have to wait with Jesus for me and my heart just can't take anymore break.

Pray for my sweet Opie, that his legs heal and that my Father take him in his sleep when it's his time.



Wednesday, May 22, 2013

This week stinks

Sigh. I have had a few really annoying illnesses this past couple of weeks and I'm sad, frustrated and angry.

Chronic illness isn't any fun and it's really hard to get people to understand what you are going through.

It's funny because this morning I am struggling with dizziness again and I am pouring over my behavior as to what I have done now for God to punish me.

It's not a punishment, things just are.

I think about the thug next door, who is a seedy, evil spawn......Why isn't he dizzy? Mean people around me, why aren't they dizzy?

It all boils down to the "Why Me's?"

I have to keep telling myself that I am not being punished. God knew what He was getting when He chose me. This will pass.

I don't know what I can do to make things better. An air filter?? I tried that before, but the filters were almost as much as the air filter. I take allergy meds.......Maybe I should take them in the morning and the night?

I just want to be healthy. Have a healthy head and respiratory system....No inhalers, no pills. Have a healthy stomach, anything I put in my mouth makes me sick.

My appointment at the ENT is at 2 to have the epley manuever done. It doesn't take long, but the fear it produces while someone is holding your head down.......I just don't want to do it. I have to.

Fear stinks.

Have a great Wednesday.



Tuesday, May 21, 2013

2 of my window critters =D

I need to catch the birdies, but I have gotten lucky catching these 2 so far =)



Tuesday, May 14, 2013

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I claim that verse on my life. The thing I want more than anything in this world is Love. God is making sure I know what it is.

Every single part of that verse He deals with me on sometime or another.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Right now God is taking me through a couple more. The lucky 2 I get to deal with this season are self-seeking and easily angered.

I at one time wouldn't of pegged me for self-seeking, but I am being shown a lot of areas where I am very self-seeking. I watched JM about the very same thing and I watched the same episode a couple, few times.

I will go back and watch it a few more until I "get" it.

I love her "what about me?" segment she does and God has made sure that the right people are in my life to practice with. Oh boy did He ever!

I love how God keeps your eyes closed to things, until He wants you to deal with them, then it's like BLAM!

Oh and the easily angered..........Good grief.

Thank God for His never ending grace and forgiveness because my mouth alone would've been enough to get me nice and smited this month.

I am so grateful that I am forgiven. JM says that God already knows what comes out of your mouth before you said it. He knew what He was getting when He chose me.

He already knew =D

For that I am thankful.

I'm a work in progress and will be til the day I leave this earth.

The verses I have needed over the past couple of weeks and knew them without looking them up...I had to look the numbers up, but knew the verses =D (Go me!)

God disciplines those He loves Hebrews 12:6

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Matthew 7:5

Don't repay evil for evil. Don't retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it. 1 Peter 3:9

These have been HARDDDDDDDDDDD For me, but I KNEW Them =)

I think I'm finally moving up from a baby Christian to a child =) LOL



Thursday, May 09, 2013

I've kinda

lost my blogging rhythm as of late. Haven't been getting on the computer too much =)

My window still has busy things going by it =). My skink and yes I laid claims to the skink, well he stopped to sunbathe right outside my window!! I was so excited to see him for an extended period of time.

My yard is coming to life again and it's so nice! I don't think much more could make me happier unless I found a way to mow the grass myself, so I wouldn't have to fret over it every single week.

I have a bunch of black eyed susans coming up that my boyfriend planted last year and I think I'm most excited about seeing those again. Those are really one of my favorites. I remember driving down the highway once and saw them on the side of the road and I had to come home and research til I found out what they were!

My big night blooming jasmine is stressing me out a bit because she's so big and I have no idea what to do with her this winter. I would love it, if I could plant her in the ground and not have to worry about bringing her back in. My house is so small and she is a huge beastly thing.

I guess I'll love her again when she smells good.

Not much else to write cept spring is springing.


Me 8)

Monday, April 29, 2013

My Window

I moved my computer by my window and there is nothing outside there to look out except an old ugly fence that's about 2 feet from my nose. There's a concrete ledge out there and a bunch of dead ivy. I like to sit with my window open and look out and I found myself disappointed because it's so ugly.

God has given me quite a show with this window. It started with a family of skinks that go by, back and forth all day. I enjoyed watching them so much!! So, next comes a chipmunk that goes back and forth all day!!

I was so tickled with my skinks and my chipmunk, but today I saw a bright red male cardinal!! He stopped looked in and me and hopped along the ledge!!

I am a critter lover for sure and my ugly view and proven to be quite a nature trail!!

I'm so excited I hope more things run by, well cept a rat or mice, but I'm good with the other things!!

Silly things make me so happy!!

I'm over-joyed with my skink, my chipmunk and my card!!




Thursday, April 18, 2013

So.....For the first time in years and years

I'm in LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE with a material possession..........A CAR!!!!!

I got a new car in 2011...Was so excited, my first new car. I have had nothing but trouble with it ever since. Today I took it back for the 6th time and they gave me a loaner car.........

It's a Chevy Cruze and OMG..........I want this car so bad!! I'm not a drooly person over cars and what nots, but I want this car!

It rides smooth, it's a beautiful blue color!

So weird being bonkers over a car, it's so not my style, but I absolutely LOVE this car!

I'm going to enjoy it for the weekend live it up for a bit and then give it back to them and get my always breaking down car back. Been mulling over asking them if they can give me a deal on an equal trade since they sold me a lemon. My car blue books about 9.500, so something equal value. Wish they would give me the loaner, but that's 5,000 more than my car.

Okay off my car wanting soap box, wish I had somewhere to go so I could drive it!!

Gotta take my mom to the Doctor in the morning, so I can Cruze =D

Have a great Thursday!!



Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Yup, Yup, Yup

“We're going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us.” -Beth Moore.




Monday, April 15, 2013


Free, just as free......free as we'll ever be

I listen to this song and it brings tears to my eyes.

I wasn't lucky enough to have a big wedding, a big fancy dress.....Nothing.  I hear this song and I want to get married to it.  On a big pasture of grass by a lake.

Yea, I still dream about weddings, I think most girls do.

Things are what they are.

So, no big updates as of late.  Still doing excellent on my diet, everyone's healthy.

My heart is sad and my spirit is broken, but God can fix those.

He amazes me every day with what He does.

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.   John 8:36

Free..Free...Free.....Free as I'll ever be.

I'm not addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling......I'm addicted to approval which I'm never, ever going to get.

Never, ever, ever in a million years going to get it.

God is setting me free =D I will be free indeed, I will be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, freeeeeeee as I'll ever be.

Spring has sprung, everythings coming to life and where I once felt dead inside is coming back to life.

No one can make my heart feel like God does.  I feel it again when it had been void.









Sunday, April 07, 2013

My Bloggety Blog Got a Makeover!!

My good friend Nisser Wisser Woo, gave my blog a nice face lift!! =D It looks beautiful =) Had to come post here and try not to mess anything up she did.

Annissa, I appreciate you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much =) Thanks!!  Sweetest gal on the block!

Not much has been going on lately. 

U of L going to the big game Monday!! HOORAY!!  My brother had us all over yesterday to watch the game and we had a great time.

Nothing to complain about at all, just enjoying the weather and life.

Have a wonderful week!



God is great =D

Thursday, March 28, 2013

It's Holy Week =)

I am still waking up and reading my bible. This week I have read the gospel to align with Holy week and this morning I stopped right before the crucifixion. I know what happens, it still brings me to tears.

Yesterday I was watching The Passion of the Christ, sobbing and trying to put into perspective that if I, Me, I.......was the only person on the planet, he would've done that for me.

I have that overwhelming feeling lately of being un-loved and I think that God is trying to show me that He indeed does love me.

I can't grasp that and I don't feel that I deserve it. I had a long talk with God the other day about love. There are people in my life, old friends from church and such and I can totally see why God loves them. I can see why they are blessed, have lots of friends....... I get why God loves them.

Then I get to myself and it doesn't make much sense. I'm not as holy as those other people and on an hourly basis I am doing stuff wrong. There needs to be a bridge that connects that gap for me.

Maybe the answer lies in Jesus. Maybe he's that bridge.

God's been dangling a lot of opportunities with people in front of me. I say that I'm lonely and He puts people in my life, but I *choose* not to go that way and then I sit here again and pray for answers to my loneliness. I think He answers me. I think I reject those answers.

I try to turn to God and Jesus to fill my loneliness and as much as it pains me to say this, for whatever reason, it's never enough.

I think in human terms and I would do anything to avoid the pain that is inside of me.

I would rather hurt outside than feel that pain that surfaces up in my heart.

I really think that a change is coming and I'm not sure what it is. I'm starting to turn more of my life over to God once again and He has never given up on me. He takes nobodies and makes them somebodies.

He loves me too.

He loves me too.

He loves me too.

He loves me.

HE Loves me.

Have a wonderful Easter!

He has risen!!




Thursday, March 21, 2013

Feeling Better =)

Actually feeling a lot better. My friend Melzie has been reminding me to read my bible in the mornings and I think I may of beat her on reading it this morning =) I love her!

My life has been taking funny, crazy, confusing twists lately.

I have been trying to stay off the computer a lot. In the evenings is really when I do my "computing", the weekends I have been taking breaks and .........Wow......What a difference. Getting out and seeing people I haven't seen in awhile. Funnily enough I have been asked on quite a few dates, which has been very good for my very low self esteem. It's just weird the twists my life is taking.

It's like God is showing me a glimpse of my life before I started back on the computer. It's really drawing me to pull back more. Seems I get hurt a lot on the old mechanical box and feel a lot of guilt.

When I'm away, my life is different. I have plans for Saturday, going to think about plans for Sunday and I need to work on the weekday evenings more.


I can honestly say right now I feel happiness again.

Yesterday I felt a bit of heartache when someone told me I was keeping them from a "best friend".......Mind you their best friend repeatedly ignored me.....embarrassed me a bit when I tried to openly talk to them and yet still ignored me again. But that behavior against me is okay........I tried to be their friend, then crapped on me, but I get the guilt trip about it.

I was glad it only bothered me for about 30 minutes and other things started happening and I see that I'm not wrong on it, I deserve to be treated well and respected and if someone misses those who treated me badly.........Go back to them.

Not going to carry around anymore guilt.

I read Romans 8 yesterday to remind me of promises and remind me that there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ.

I'm going to be okay, I feel it =D

I'm worth it.

Oh and I lost almost 12 lbs =D I feel so much better about myself.

Have a great happy Day and MELLLLLZZIEEEEEEEEEEE I read Psalms this morning, I did it, I did it!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS My Melzie is the best friend a girl could ever have, she's my God connection. She sent me a statue of what she calls her and me. I keep it right on my dresser so I can see it. That's me and her playing Scrabble and talking. That's her speaking truth into my life that I never want to hear, but I know she's right.

I don't know what I would ever do without her!!


Moi =D

Monday, March 18, 2013

Tonight I Wanna Cry

So, my ex husband strikes again.

He punishes me for not loving him, by using my daughter against me.

For months he has known about a 3 day trip away from home (on my days of course)........No one ever asked my permission or told me.

He said, she said she told me.

That should've come from him. I should've been asked.

There was a meeting tonight to find out all the stuff about the trip, she isn't allowed to bring her back pack to my house......I had no clue about the meeting.

That's information I should be in on, not his wife.

No one even asked me. 3 days on her first trip away from home, after all that's happened to her......I'm not even asked, not even told.

Over and over again this happens.

I really wanted family dinners, I begged him and begged him to bring her over hungry. For 3 months I cooked dinner and every time she was over, he would say that she had already eaten.

No wonder I stopped trying, I shouldn't have to fight for things like this.

Not everyone thinks like me.

Puts up that fake front he does. I'm a hell of a guy.

Oh and I'm the crap weasel........every time.

Me, I'm the bad guy. Every time.

No wonder I never leave my room, I lose before I even walk out the door.




Wednesday, March 13, 2013


Randomness of thoughts, what ifs?

What good do they do?

What if I had a chance to do things over? What would I change? Can I still change things? Would I have the courage?

What if my life as I knew it was flashing in front of my eyes?

What if I had a terminal illness and my own mortality was staring me right in my face?

Would I be sitting in this chair writing this blog or even thinking about the internet?


What if I would have found God earlier and my marriage as in shambles as it was could've been saved?

What would I be doing today? Where would I be living?

What if I would've went to school and became the nurse that I wanted to be?

What hospital would I be working at?

What if I would've found God early, early in my life just before all of the bad stuff?

Would it of mentally screwed me up so bad?

What if my dad would've never married Mary?

Would I be over there visiting him right now and having the dad I have always longed for?

What if my mom would've never married David?

Would I of learned that not everyone is a crap weasel and been able to trust people.

What if Juan (big)never hit me?

Would I like people being physically close to me? Not wanting everyone to stay away?

40 years of what ifs and just a lot of sadness in my heart. So many people around me sick with cancer. Only a handful are mild, the rest are life altering, life taking cancers.

So much pain and suffering going on and I think all of them would trade places with me in a heartbeat and here I waste the time I have. I'm not promised a tomorrow and if my life were to be taken suddenly tomorrow all I can think about is how much time I wasted. Computer, worrying, cleaning.

Time not spent where it really matters...

Smelling the flowers, enjoying sunsets and sunrises, the sound of laughter, painting, taking pictures.

Praying and praying.

Love and loving.

Oh and my grandbaby melts my heart away.



Friday, March 08, 2013

Not just a quote from a movie

“For if you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners to be corrupted from their infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded from this, but that you first make thieves and then punish them.”
― Thomas More, Utopia

I have been thinking about this quote for a few years. I didn't read it in Utopia, I heard it in a movie, "Ever after." It hits close to home with me, not because I am a theif, but because of insecurity.

People since birth have made me insecure, people find ways to do it now.....Then, I am punished for what they have made me to be.

It's kind of sad really, but true.

I keep waiting for God to change me and it never comes.

I don't like being insecure at all manipulation does that over time. You find yourself not talking, not emailing because no one listens to what your say or you are told it's not important.

As before I say it again, being hit was easier than words. Words can't leave my mind and I can't forget them as hard as I try.

Words since I was 9 still affect me, I wish I were someone else.

Someone important.

Trying to make myself believe I'm important to anyone, even God.

Just not happening.

I finally slept good. Had an amazing dream.....oh well.



Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Wed Nes Day

Well, I was .2 oz shy of a 5 lb loss this week YAY!!!

Today I cleaned a house allllllllllllll day, then came home and did my own. I earned lots of activity points today =D

Things are going good, just a wee bit depressed. Not really circumstantial, just weather related. It has rained too much, it's too cold. I need some sunshine and some pool weather =D

Points are going well. I almost stopped writing stuff down yesterday, but I have to be disciplined enough to write that down because that's pivotal with WW. I'm not going to slack, it doesn't take that long. The first week is always the biggest loss, so I can't wait to see what next week holds.

I need to tweak it some because I'm not using extra points and that makes it a lil tricky.

Switching out laundry and going to relax the rest of the evening.

Tomorrow I'm taking on my laundry room!

Have a great week!



Monday, February 25, 2013


Closing out my first FULL week on WW today. I didn't dip into any of my extra points at all. I need to dip into them b/c when I go down on points, I'm going to want them. I weigh in, in the morning and I'm so excited =D I feel thinner if that makes sense.

I have been journaling every food I put into my mouth, I have been writing EVERYTHING down.

I'm doing well, thanks to God for the discipline!

Even if I haven't lost any tomorrow, I'm going to keep on trudging on because I know I can do this. Just a matter of tweaking it.


Went to Heine brothers this morning for coffee, I'm finding decaf Dunkin Doughnuts is my fav over all of them and my mom bought me a bag this morning. It's like heaven. I am on my 3rd cup of coffee this morning. Good thing none of it has caffiene or I'd be bouncing off the ceiling.

Also went looking at antiques today, that was interesting and we were having a good time til I reminded my mom that we were in an old funeral home and the basement we were in probably embalmed bodies lol! She got the hell out of dodge after that =D ha!

Pulled all my appliances out in my kitchen, washed down walls and hand scrubbed the floor in there.

Taking a bit of a break and then heading back to make a plan for the laundry room

Hope you have a happy Monday!!


Love me

Friday, February 22, 2013

My go around w/ WW

Well, I don't want to jinx myself..........WW is going really well! My frame of mind is right, I'm doing it =D!

The only problem I'm having is not being able to eat all my points. I haven't even used the extra ones and I'm left with the same 6 points left over every night. I have to find a way to eat those last 6.

I am going to weight myself on Tuesday because that's when I started at it full force no mess ups.

I'm excited, thanks to God for giving me the right frame of mind back!!!

He's awesome!!

Have a great weekend!



Saturday, February 16, 2013

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt

I hide in a fake world a lot of the time. When I'm out of it, I face reality and a lot of denial.

I do okay for awhile, but then the same stuff comes up.

One phrase someone says puts me back into reality.

Something as simple as I will go to this Dr. for the rest of my life.

Seems simple enough.

It's not when you are waiting for someone to be where you are.

Really made me depressed and insecure once again.

I just keep hoping and praying and then I wake up a week later and nothing is any closer.

No words spoken to make me believe things are ever going to be different than they are now.

Then a year passes and everything is the same once again.

I'm in denial. Sad because I love him, but if I can't share the real world with him,

what's the point? Especially when the nothing about the fake world is fun anymore.

I keep praying. I keep praying.....I keep praying.

Wonder if the lack of an answer, is the answer.

We will see one year from now, If I'm at the same desk, in the same room, saying the same thing. Waiting the same wait.

"I don't know why you are so insecure?" "How can I change your feelings?"

Gee, I really have no idea why I'm so insecure.


I see it as just not being enough.

Not being enough makes one insecure.

Off to enjoy the real world and maybe see some real people.



Monday, February 04, 2013

Tick Tock

Today is day 1..........We'll see how it goes.

Wish me luck.

Day 1 of what you ask?

You will see in time.



Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I'm Somewhere In Middle

I have pneumonia again, so I have some down time lately. Time to do some thinking, real thinking, real soul searching.

I'm a bit down, not sure if it's because of SAD, or just because I'm where I never thought I'd be again.

I look back at past images of me and I think, that's not me. Who is that girl?

I put on the same shoes that girl wore. I have new ones sitting in my closet, but can't seem to wear them. That would mean accepting the girl I am now and I'm not quite ready to do that.

Kyle used to get so angry and so jealous of Vick back when we were married. He always thought that I was head over heels for Vick and it caused a lot of problems for us.

What he didn't know or realize is that I didn't miss Vick at all and it wasn't really about Vick...It was about me. I missed who I was when I was with Vick. I missed me.

I guess the same concept now, but with God. I have back slid so far that I have my nails dug in the cliff trying to hang on to anything and I'm not even sure what I'm hanging onto.

I pulled some baskets out from under my bed and like the shoes, memories of who I was.

All my old books I read when I was newly a Christian, bible studies, inspirational quotes.

I looked at them and I'm really not sure what happened. I know there's a whole lot of self and sin in there and I really do miss God. I still pray every night and keep contact with God, but nothing is the same.

I open the books to read them and I find papers and things of that life and I maybe am mourning that life that I had. I want it back, but I'm so far gone and I know the things I have to give up to get it back. All that stuff I did, the way my life turned around.....The joy in my heart I felt almost on a daily basis. I miss it.

I miss it bad. I keep waiting for something big to happen to pull me one way or the other and nothing is going to fall from the sky and make things right. I have to go on my own.

Therefore I'm stuck in the middle.



Tuesday, January 22, 2013

YAY for my birthday this year!!

I'm soooooooooooo excited!! My boyfriend put to have my birthday off this year and he is going to come see me ONNNNNNNNNNN My actual birthday!!

I'm so excited I could cry.

Things have been going so well lately for us and it's such a nice change.

I keep praying and praying for us to make it.

I have a date on my birthday!!!!! Hooray!!