Sunday, August 16, 2015

Long Summer

Dear Father in heaven

I'm struggling again and falling.
I'm lost.
Driving today I saw tons of angels in the clouds
Your beauty never ceases to amaze me.

I'm sorry for all the times that I have gotten consumed in my
own self pity and busyness to not notice the beauty you place before me.

I'm so tired Papa. Sometimes I genuinely just NEED for someone to surprise me
with something nice and You do a million things and for whatever reason
it never seems to be good enough.

You give me so much and that always leaves me wanting more.
I'm sorry I screw up so much. I do appreciate everything you do for me
and I'm sorry for all the wrong I do.

I screw up again less than five minutes after asking for forgiveness.
Then you go and do something nice for me again.
I don't deserve any of the things that you give me. None.
Sometimes I just sit and wonder to myself why would you ever give me this much?

I understand it's because you love me, but in earthly settings where
everyone is so selfish, it doesn't make much sense. I'm so sorry that
I always want more and more and more and more and more and more.

I'm selfish in my prayers, I make them all about me and my children.
I often forget to take time to pray for others...but, it takes way too much time
that I don't have. How awful is that? It takes too long to pray for everyone that
needs it. I'm sorry.

I'd like to say that I try to make it right, but I do not.
When things do not go right, I feel like You are mad at me.
I know you are not.
When I say my prayers and say I'm sorry for things, sometimes I just say them
thinking that's what You want to hear. You know this already.

I am sorry. I think about the car you have given me, the house, the nice decorations surrounding me
but most of all I think about the best gift you gave me of Your son.
But do I? Sometimes it seems so unreal and when I see good people I can see how you
would send your son for them...But me? no.

I suck.


I love you.


Thursday, March 19, 2015

What a flipping winter

Well, this winter sucked. I haven't blogged at all...When do I have time?

I have entered into a season in my life of sheer frustration. I am actually sitting here crying right now b/c my insides are all turned about from frustration. I have been sick with the flu to start with and I'm not sure that can ever end well. Before the flu, I was frustrated.

I go through my list of things like I normally do....Elmer, no...Kids, or no...I have no idea why this round of frustration.

The pressure is on all around. I don't want to have to live with my son my whole life because of not being able to be self-sufficient. I have the fear looming over my head all the time that dizziness could be back any second and as it did before it can take everything I have and destroy it into a million pieces once again.

Maybe that's it...Maybe it's having something over my head at all times....Looming around, hovering around and it can strike at any moment and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing.

Judging from the amount of tears I have right now, I'm guessing that's it. I prayed about it for years and I guess it's one of those things that God isn't going to answer, just get me through and I don't wanna just get through, I want it gone. I want guarantees that I can live my life like normal.

It's not fair that everything can be taken away and I'm trapped and stuck in this same place. It's like saying I'll never be any better than I am right now. I hate that fear, I hate always having something looming over me. I see an upping of my meds in the near future.

Take so much til I am numb and feel nothing.

Please pray for me, that I can find some way to deal with this crap. I miss the days of being afraid of thunderstorms.



A very


Saturday, January 03, 2015

Been a long, long, long time.

I haven't written in so long...July??? Good grief! Sad part is, is there's nothing to really update. Most people who read my blog are on Facebook and they know everything that goes on in my life.

My SAD is pretty severe this season. It rains and then rains some more and then rains yet some more. I'm so sick of rain.

God is still wonderful as ever.

I have really nothing else to write =)