Sunday, August 16, 2015

Long Summer

Dear Father in heaven

I'm struggling again and falling.
I'm lost.
Driving today I saw tons of angels in the clouds
Your beauty never ceases to amaze me.

I'm sorry for all the times that I have gotten consumed in my
own self pity and busyness to not notice the beauty you place before me.

I'm so tired Papa. Sometimes I genuinely just NEED for someone to surprise me
with something nice and You do a million things and for whatever reason
it never seems to be good enough.

You give me so much and that always leaves me wanting more.
I'm sorry I screw up so much. I do appreciate everything you do for me
and I'm sorry for all the wrong I do.

I screw up again less than five minutes after asking for forgiveness.
Then you go and do something nice for me again.
I don't deserve any of the things that you give me. None.
Sometimes I just sit and wonder to myself why would you ever give me this much?

I understand it's because you love me, but in earthly settings where
everyone is so selfish, it doesn't make much sense. I'm so sorry that
I always want more and more and more and more and more and more.

I'm selfish in my prayers, I make them all about me and my children.
I often forget to take time to pray for others...but, it takes way too much time
that I don't have. How awful is that? It takes too long to pray for everyone that
needs it. I'm sorry.

I'd like to say that I try to make it right, but I do not.
When things do not go right, I feel like You are mad at me.
I know you are not.
When I say my prayers and say I'm sorry for things, sometimes I just say them
thinking that's what You want to hear. You know this already.

I am sorry. I think about the car you have given me, the house, the nice decorations surrounding me
but most of all I think about the best gift you gave me of Your son.
But do I? Sometimes it seems so unreal and when I see good people I can see how you
would send your son for them...But me? no.

I suck.


I love you.


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