Monday, October 17, 2011

A Re-Introduction of Dianna

I'm Dianna 39 years old, blonde hair, blue eyes. I'd like that think that's about all I have to say about myself. But it's not. I notice silly things like that sentence before this one is a fragment. Is it sentence or sentance? Stuff like that is what goes through my simple mind.

Lately I have embarked on a journey of self discovery. Who am I and what the hell do I want out of life? I try to think of things I know about myself. I do know that I am on a big chessboard. The way I act, the way I write.........everything dictated by who is moving my pieces that day. Some people in my life know exactly who's moving what piece all the time. I love those people.

I like the color of yellow. Not bright yellow, soft, pale yellow. I like bowling, although I'm not sure why. I love my puppy dogs, all dogs. That's about all I know of likes. I used to like to paint and draw, but when Juan (big Juan) broke all my pencils and tore up my work...I stopped.

I wonder all the time about what gives people the right to take things from other people. Take away their self esteem, take away their happiness. I do wish I was a strong enough woman to not let anyone take anything.

I soul search a lot. But I guess everyone knows that about me. I never let anyone drive me. I only can drive myself. I have let Elmer and Steve drive me. I think my aunt once. I was 17...In a truck w/ my step sister, a preachers son and his friend. We were out in Bullit County on this old country dirt road. The preachers son was driving and he was going fast. I was scared and crying and they thought this was quite funny. I was sick to my stomach. So.........I beg to be let out and they wouldn't let me. They go back on this really hilly road to really let me have it, because, lets face it......Scaring someone to death is funny. I begged to be let out, preachers son said he would let me out if I grabbed his penis. I said no of course and the first hill came......we were all in the front of the truck and no seat belts. I remember going over that hill, my head hitting the top of the truck and just crying hysterically. More laughter at my expense..........Second hill came, he asked me again if I would grab his penis and this time I thought about it, but said "No, just let go please" I will never forget the sound of those tires peeling out on that road, again my head hit the top of the truck, more laughter and we got to the third hill. I felt as if I were going to vomit. He asked me again if I were going to grab his penis. This time I said "Yes" I grabbed it so hard his eye balls popped out of his head and I would not let up. Once I let go of course more hills and they finally let me out in the middle of a highway somewhere. I walked back to the mall crying.

I still think about that. Wonder if he ever thinks about that and realizes that for 20 something years I can't ride with other people because I trust so few.

Add that to my list of about me. I don't like going fast, I don't like hills....I don't like people laughing at me and making fun of me.

My dad the other day told me I don't need to call a Dr. I need to call FEMA because I'm a walking disaster. That is pretty much true. I have a lot of stuff go wrong, but sometimes I have a lot of stuff go right.

I'm foolish and stupid I agree.

I get asked out by the same 3 guys almost every week. There was a 4th, but he told me he would eventually give up asking and he did. I was relieved when he did. The same 3 guys ask and I give the same response and same excuses.

I wouldn't know what to say or do with any of them and they would have to get to know me, which in the end they would stop liking me anyways.

How can you like someone who doesn't even know what she likes to do? One of them asked me the other day, "You have to like something, what do you like?" Why is that question so hard? Bowling is all I could think of. He asks "Are you good at it?" "No", I say......."I'm not good at it". I'm not even sure why I like it.

How does one find out what they like? There's so much noise around me how can I figure out anything. One of the guys does something sweet.......If he reads my facebook status or something and I'm sad, he will text me bible verses. I think that's pretty sweet.

It's sweet and a reminder that God is still pursuing me even though I want to give up on Him.

I do know that I love Jesus. There is no like in that, that is absolute love. I can honestly say that I don't even trust the one who made me.

This introduction is long enough...You don't have to scroll back and read who I was. This is who I am. A dizzy, dumb female who loves bowling and God.



Thursday, October 13, 2011

Shhh Sneakin On

I attempted to delete my blog a few times....I just couldn't do it. Too much history here.

Things have gotten better. I was dx with BPPV Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo. I went to an ENT a couple weeks ago and he did something called Dix-Hallpike test and was able to tell immediately. He then proceeded to scoot my head back off the table hanging almost upside down to do to the Epley Maneuver. Good times for sure.

I will say that after the first Epley I felt awesome. I was still really off balance, but had felt like something was missing. I had to go back last week and he did it again. After this one I didn't feel so well. I am still really off balance and keep hitting my left side. They said this was something called compensation. I say good grief it's a pain in the butt. They fail to tell you that recovery after having it so long, is almost as bad as the first initial episode.

My brain plays continual tricks on me. My body will feel the dizziness while my eyes aren't dizzy. It's a psychological nightmare.

I go back next Friday for another evaluation and I'm very nervous. I don't want to get even more messed up. I don't want my other side to get messed up.

Elmer will be here the following week and I'm so scared about being dizzy while he's here and UGH I just want my life back.

That's about it. =D Things ARE getting better, just so stinking slow!!