Monday, June 23, 2008

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Friday, June 20, 2008

Lost in a sea of stuff

Trying to organzie stuff. UGH, I want to have a yardsale but UGH I don't. Too much trouble, too much hassle. Fixing to list a ton of stuff on Freecycle again today. It's such a good program. I go downstairs and look and just don't know where to start. Twin sheets, full sheets, games, old clothes.... I just don't know where to start. I really, really don't. Started on the sunporch yesterday. Half finished it. So many 3 and 4 T clothes. I wish lil Evangeline was old enough to wear them. There's easily 1500 dollars worth of nice clothes just sitting. I need to just start but when everything is disorganized, I don't know what to do. We need a dumpster. Badly. Just wanna pitch so much stuff in the dump and get it out of my bair. Get rid of things that I do not use, nor will I use. We have no storage for anything and we just need stuff gone, gone, gone Whoa whoa whoa.
Any ideas on organizing?

Thursday, June 19, 2008


tis the time for getting rid of stuff. I rejoined freecycle and getting rid of stuff out of the basement one by one. We have to have the whole basement recarpeted, tiled, what have you. Got burnt pretty badly yesterday, spilled boiling water down my chest. Hurts pretty bad, blistered, etc. Went to ICC yesterday and they put silvadene on it, which is a big No no since I am allergic to sulfa drugs. It itched got a rash, yadda, yadda, yadda. I cried sooooooooo much. It hurt. Today I am achey as hell, not sure if it's from holding my body funny when i was burned or just cause I suck. Either or........ I don't feel well. My head hurts so bad it feels like at any second, I will have a seizure or my brain will explode. I haven't had a headache this bad in quite sometime.
Is getting older jsut always aches and pains? If so sign me up for something else.
Picture will be up Saturday in NYC YAY!!! That's about it. I have been working on the sun porch and in the basement, pushing through this headache. I just wanna sleep it off but it hurts so bad I'm not sure if I can even do that.

Til we meet again

Monday, June 09, 2008

Very Very big news for me!!!

Kodak contacted me and Savannah's pic I took of her won a contest so on Saturday June 21st the first day of summer this pic will be displayed ALL DAY long every few minutes on the big screen in New York Cities Times Square!!!! I needed this, you have no clue, I needed this!!

Sunday, June 08, 2008

A second blog entry for today

I learned today that there are quite a few people who don't understand me and are quite quick to pass judgement on me.
First of all let me say, because someone has an illness you can't see, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
I have severe depression. Absolutley, totally severe depression.
I recognize this, I accept it.
Some days I feel like I can't move, I'm tired. Not a day passes that I don't cry. I feel hopeless on the inside and some days I would like to do nothing more than to die. Am I suicidal, not by any means. But I have depression severe enough that sometimes exactly how i feel. My life hasn't been easy.
Open up a box of depression sometime, try it on. Try and see what it feels like, guarantee you will give it back in a second. It isn't fun.
But it's real and it's hard.
I may not be the best mom on this earth, but I love my kids and we have special things that we do. I may not be able to go to all their functions that I want. Depends on the day. It doesn't mean I'm doing anything wrong. I physically can't do it somedays. But it doesn't make me any less of a person or mother because I can't. I'm so tired of people passing judgement on what they think they know about me. When they know nothing. They only go by what they see. Not by how I feel inside.
Again let me say. Depression is real and it's not fun. You know those commercials you see about it on TV, that is a cake walk compared to how I feel somedays.
Only one person can judge me and that's God.
I know what type of person I have been and know who I am.
I also understand that I have an illness, several as a matter of fact and I can't be like everyone else.
Nor do I want to be.


I'm so stressed. I can't begin to reiterate here, how stressed I am. I almost am emotionally numb. We just got home today, was at moms for almost a week. Air broke again. Long story short, pipe had a hole in it behind the wall, blah blah blah... I have no bathroom walls. Lots and lots of mold, which is probably why I have been so sick. Everyone gets out of the house but me. Im the one who's here. My computer is going out, Have only had it 16 mos. Gateway only honored the warranty for a year. It is the only life line I have to anyone. So if it goes, just throw me in the garbage. It was nice actually being around people at my moms. But I came home to a huge mess. I don't even know where to start.
Juan has been having huge problems. The other day I guess Tuesday he didn't want to go to my moms. So what does he do??????? Goes takes off says he's going to run away. I have 2 kids in car, 2 dogs, its hot......So I am chasing him down road in car with him screaming to all neighbors "I don't trust you" blah blah blah... So he stops at Patricks house, made a huge scene. Police had to be called. All because he wanted to stay with his buddies.
His dad wants him to go to Texas to live for the school year. I want that, I think we both need it. I can't take the stress of a marriage that fell apart, the bills, the stuff breaking, Anthonys issues, and then Juan. I can't do it all. I'm slowly dying inside. We just got home today and Anthony went out mowed the front yard, Juan supposed to do the back. Gets mad, throwing a fit... Had to fix savannah some juice and got even more pissed and shoved the cup so hard in her face and pushed her lips into her teeth leaving her crying and her lip bleeding.
I hate his friends....... He has changed since he has started hanging with them.
So air hasn't been fixed, it all the sudden now works. I'm positive it will break again. I can't go downstairs, not only are there no walls, there's bleach all over. We were honest and told the ins. company that it happened a couple of weeks ago, they are saying it has to reported same day. I'm going to have Johnny call the, how the fuck am I supposed to know there's a leak behind the wall? Fuckers. It doesn't pay to be honest. I should lie, steal and cheat. Those people get everything they want and more. I see why they do it. They always come out on top. Leaving honest shit asses like myself in the current situation I am in.
I am starting to lose faith in God also which is something I never thought would happen. How much can one person take? I am finding out. I am steps away from checking myself into a hospital because I can no longer cope with everything that goes on. I can't. I need a break and I don't get one.
Have to go to a graduation party, come back to the sweltering house and start somewhere trying to clean it up....... you have no clue ....... to find the leak all had to be taken out, dishes all over.. I just don't know where to start when all I want to do is bury my head in the sand and give up.
Prayers in abundance, maybe God will hear you all, because he certainly doesn't hear a word I say.

Happy Sunday.