Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Been A Long, Long, Long Time

Haven't been updating much because nothing has change lol =D

Christmas came and went. It was really good at points, and at some points it just was.

Have not been crying at all lately. It has been extremely nice. I still feel sad inside and angry, but the tears have stopped.

I'm frustrated lately with people not hearing me and not understanding what I am trying to say. They always jump to their own conclusion without hearing what I'm trying to tell them and I just drop it because they aren't going to see my point. It drives me nuts when people try to disprove what I already know, but are totally on the wrong track with what I'm trying to say.

It happens a lot. It's frustrating.

I also am realizing the magnitude of anger I have at the fact that I got sick. I feel like it took my life away and if I'm going through the stages of grief, I'm over depression and straight into anger.

I'm not sure what to do with it all. I don't know how to just stop the swirling of life and get back on track.

I signed up at church for counseling and there's a lot of stuff I HAVE to do that I don't want to. I think it will be good for me though. I'm not going to try to change everything at once. One thing at a time.

I went to the gym last week twice, getting ready to go now and make that change first.

I need something, wish God would send it.

Wish people would listen to me and listen to what I say.

Wish I lived in Florida on the beach.

Wish this part of my life was over and past.


Have a great new year, I'm hoping mines filled with a lot more happier moments =)



Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Dreams of rainbows

Last night I dreamed of a rainbow. I kept chasing it and trying to take pics of it. I remember how dark the sky was and how bright the rainbow was.

My aunt emailed me about Daniels sermon last week. I haven't been going to church lately and she told me to listen to it.

I laid in bed and put it on and listened. It was about Noah and how awful people were and how God wiped them all out.

Daniel said something that really hit home with me. Over and over again I always say to myself....."I'm not good like those people there. They do things right." Daniel said those exact words except in the context of "People think they do, but we are the worst ones. We all sin, we all fall short."

A lot of people call me, text me, email me to find out where I am. Why I've dropped off the face of the earth. God and I will work it out together. I have to have faith that His hand is on this, because if it wasn't I would be in a whole lot of trouble.

In my world with so much confusion, the one thing that I know for certain is how much I love Jesus.

I absolutely love him. What he did for us. Thanking God for His gift to this world, thanking God for His abundant grace at times when I act like this.

I can't find any Christmas spirit, I'm not sure what's going on, but it's gone. Maybe it's what Christmas has turned into. Maybe it's because it's all about money anymore and who gets what.

I'm going to go buy a Christmas tree and put it up and do it because I'm glad that Jesus was our gift to this fallen world.

Watching the news, seeing the way the world has fallen and remembering what a precious gift was given to us. Knowing that Jesus paid for my sin so I can leave this world and go home some day.

This isn't my home.

Thank you Jesus for what you did and thank you God for rainbows which tells me that it's going to be okay. The story of Noah, the story of the rainbow and the covenant that you keep your promise.

I love you papa!



Sunday, December 04, 2011

Where's The Dianna I Know?

I'm not sure where I'm at lately. I know without a doubt, I'm clinically depressed and that take a lot of who you are with it.

Depression is ugly. I often wonder if it will ever just go away.

Sometimes I wonder if I had this or had that, maybe things would be better. Seems lately nothing gets any better.

I used to find a lot of joy in Jesus, but it left too. I watch shows sometimes about God, but lately they frustrate me because there's a laundry list of stuff you have to do and if it's not done right, they say God won't answer your prayers.

I haven't stopped praying, but maybe just a little I stopped expecting any answers. I'm not really praying anymore because I want something. I truly love God and just knowing He is there, makes things easier.

I cried the other day out of nowhere, thinking about Jesus. Thinking about what he did for us. Thinking that because of him, one day I can leave this earth and go home.

I wait for God to fix me, it's a vicious circle though, because that requires obedience and I'm anything but.

Still waiting for my Christmas miracle. Anything to just jostle me into the spirit of Christmas.

I still haven't put my tree up.


Have a great week!