Thursday, August 18, 2011


It's Thursday and I feel mentally better than ever.

Thank God!

I'm relieved in so many ways, monkeys off my back and life moves on!!


A friend of mine has been asking me to lunch and I'm thinking about working up the courage to go today!!


Say lots O Prayers for me and thanking God my heart is happy!!!


Me =)

Monday, August 15, 2011

Under my tree with Jesus

For the past year and a couple of months, my walk with God. I may have even blogged about this before. When I'm sad, stressed or tired I always close my eyes and meet Jesus under this tree.

I don't know where it is, but it's where my mind and heart go. Today I have really dealt with quite a bit of hurt and as always I just wanna run to Jesus under our tree.

He always looks me in the eye. He lifts me up. Today laying on my bed, I ran to Jesus under our tree and cried. I'm so tired and tired of hurt. Today he just held me and I cried harder when I had to open up my eyes and come back. I wish I could close my eyes forever and just stay under that tree with him.

One day.

I love him.



Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Well, yesterday was wonderful, I felt great, was in an okay mood. Not dizzy...

Today, ugh, dizzy.

I'm getting so frustrated it's unreal. No one understands at all what it's like and on top of it being stressful, I'm angry and frustrated.

The past couple of days I have been battling horrendus anger. I'm not really sure who or what I'm angry at...I just am.

I just feel like my life fell apart. All of it. Every single area has crumbled. I have been trying to get closer with God while all this is going on, but sometimes I don't think it's working.

I just have to believe that it is working and that He isn't punishing me. My depression is starting to get pretty bad. I have to go to therapy every week again.

I have been trying to focus on scriptures about healing. Thinking about who and what I am in Christ, not who or what I am here.

For the first time in awhile something was made clear to me. I always say "My hope is is Christ", but I never understood it.

I understood it yesterday. I'm just visiting this earth. Because of Christ I can go home someday and not have to stay here where there's illness and hurt. There's no good bye in heaven, there's no sadness, no dizziness, nothing.

Someday I get to go there. For eternity. Because of Christ, my name is in the book of life and I get to have peace, quiet, love and hope. Someday I get to go home.

I really believe God is working on healing me. I have to be patient and I am feeling better. By his stripes I am healed.

When I get better, I'm not gonna mess it all up again. Well, I probably will, but I really am going to appreciate my time better.

Keep praying for me.



Saturday, August 06, 2011

Wish I

Could have 5 full minutes with Jesus in the flesh. Just to even touch him for a second and ask him to heal me from this dizzy stuff.

I pray and pray and pray and PRAY and pray and pray. I keep thinking what am I doing wrong. Is my faith that low? Is there unconfessed sin. I don't get it.

I know God has a bigger plan in all this, but it doesn't make anything any easier when you have to be in bed most of the day.

I wish I could run away from myself sometimes. I sit here and think why can't it be someone else? Someone deserving, but then again why not me?

It's wrecked my life, I slip into this stupid depression every time. I just want relief.

Pray for me please and continue praying for me. I just want this season in my life OVER.



Tuesday, August 02, 2011


To say I need Jesus is an understatement. I NEED Jesus.

Being busy and working all the time, I never could put quite into place what was going on and what was going wrong.

My life for the past 3 months has been a living hell. I have heard hell described as life apart from God. I can tell you that is true.

I haven't felt right for a few months...angry, bitter, sad and lost. I couldn't put my finger on what exactly was wrong. I couldn't til tonight.

Driving home from Community Groups I was filled with tears, apart from Christ I am nothing. I was walking around as an empty hollow shell. He is what gives me life. Without Him, my life was hell.

The more of God I get, the more of God I want. I was so tired and I find rest in Him.

I used to think that God didn't call me and that I just wanted to be a part of something so badly that I thought they have to like me at church.

I couldn't of been more wrong. God has a huge hold on me and if I get far away, He has proven He will bring me back.

I can't wait to let His Glory shine through of what's next on my path. I will probably mess it all up again, but thank God, He loves me enough to bring me around.

I feel such peace!




It's Tuesday =) I am feeling SOOOOO Much better this week, knocking on wood!!

I feel clear headed, I feel lighter....

I had to start going back to therapy weekly for awhile to repair all the damage I did in 6 months, but he reassured me I did the right thing.

He didn't want to say I told you so, but he reminded me of 6 months ago when I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off and got pneumonia. Basically he said, "If I won't stop the insanity, my body will" and it did.

I don't miss my job as much as I thought I would. One thing I didn't realize how much I missed, was time with God.

I'm able to watch my shows about God again, I spend time praying and talking to God. I feel more at peace when I do that. I'm back to making my note cards with scriptures to remind me. Funnily enough every show I have watched has been on being too busy for God and you will fail over and over unless you put Him first.

I was classic, epic faily. I loved my job at first, I couldn't wait to get up and go. Then it just became too much and I became lost. Working day in and day in, working out, going to classes with members. Sometimes I would only be home to sleep. It was all too much.

I will 100% work again, but this time setting up boundaries on hours and days. 1 day off in 2 weeks isn't enough. Another guy there was doing the same and had a stroke.

I wake up in the morning, take anthony to work....Sometimes go back to bed, sometimes I stay awake. I spend time with God, I do laundry, I cook my own food and do any running I need to do.

For the first time in a long time, I feel peace.

Putting my home life back together where it all fell apart from me being gone.


Ahhhh relief!!!