Saturday, April 21, 2012

I danced today

Not sure what happened over the past few days, but I had a lot of joy in my heart and today dizzy or not I danced.

I felt God's presence so much lately and that tells me, maybe, just maybe I'm doing something right.

I am really enjoying therapy at the Center. The therapist is helping me take things apart. I always look at the big picture of everything and I get frustrated. So, she has me taking things apart into a smaller step. Setting small goals that eventually lead up to the much bigger picture.

We talked about things I like, things I don't like. I really don't know what I like, but she said my face lit up when I talked of photography. I do, do, DO Love it. So, I told her I had no money to start up a business and my camera works half of the time and the buttons stick. Just all negative and she told me the first thing I can do is pick out the camera I want. Start there, that goal. I've met it. Then she told me to save a little each week til I have enough to buy the camera I want. While I am saving, study online about how to use the camera, different techniques. What lenses I want etc.

Elmer told me he picked out the exact camera that I picked out to buy me for my birthday. I am shocked, beyond shocked at that. I'm not sure how to act with someone being that generous. Overwhelmed I think is the word.

So......Why on earth didn't I think about this stuff before. About setting small goals. I mean, I can do that with anything.

It's something I am good at. It's something I enjoy.

I had a dream the other night and about getting "it".

I dreamed that I was in serious trouble. I mean someone was coming to kill me. I was in china or somewhere. This guy would take a sword and would cut me to torture me and I could feel it in my dream. He told me he had planned to kill me, but they were going to do it very slowly.

I remember how scared I was. Beyond terrified.

There was this guy in the dream, he was the big head honcho king and he loved me. He was oriental and the way he would look at me, overwhelming feelings of loved poured through my body.

I had no doubts what so ever that this man loved me. He told me he had to make sure he planned a route out for me and had to go work on it, but help would soon be back. He sent his brother there to barter with the guy. His life for mine. I didn't want to leave because I didn't think it was fair that this guy would just die for me or that the king loved me so much that he would let his own brother die for me.

I ran away crying and crying because I was so sad his brother had to die. I was running in the woods along these paths and came to these stairs. There were bathtubs on each turn to the next floor and each one had an oriental man in them taking a bath. I climbed up all these stairs and went running out the door. The king was there in an icecream truck waiting for me.

I said "You came back for me" and he said " I made the way safe for you, lets go."

I woke up at that moment and told Elmer about the dream. It was so weird. Especially the feelings of love I got.

I hung up w/ Elmer and laid there thinking about the dream. Who would love me so much that they would let their brother die for me? Who could ever love someone that much.

Then I realized.........My Papa. God. Not His brother. His son. He would let him die because He loves me that much.

I got the Gospel in Chinese.

I felt loved. I'm thankful for that dream because I needed a reminder. I needed to feel it. I needed to see it and live it, in terms I can relate to.

He loves me that much.

I love Him too =)

Crying now as I think about God and how much I love Him.

I'm not so far gone out of the loop that I can't appreciate all the good around me.

I love Him.



Monday, April 16, 2012

Answered Prayers

I have been thinking all morning about prayers. How for a long, long time I prayed for something. God answered the prayer and I'm sitting here sad, because it's not at all what I wanted.

I don't know why He did that. Unless it was to show me the reality of things.

I was doing so well. So well..... I can't blame anyone but myself.

I need to be careful about what I pray for. I feel sick to my stomach.

Last year, I never thought I'd end up here. I have been in a spiritual plateau for awhile. Taking what I can get, when I can get it.

I'm really disappointed with myself lately. I read my prayer journal the other day and saw all the prayers and saw my pain. I made the prayers while in the pain, when in reality I think things were supposed to be the way they were.

I didn't take God at His word and thought *I* knew better. Now, I'm stuck in a place I don't want to be.

I need to pray for God to fix it.

Father really does know best.

I'm an idiot.



Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Figured I'd sit down and write a wee lil bit.

Things have gotten a bit better lately. In this whole process, I have changed quite a bit. Getting really tired of situations and I just have no want to even fix them.

Seeing a specialist to help me cope w/ PTSD along w/ my regular counselor. I like her a lot and she knows what she's talking about. We talked for awhile and she spoke a whole lot of truth to me about my life, current situations, past situations and future situations.

I have to change the past(my reaction to it), to change my future.

She said a lot of people are like me and afraid to change anything because they are afraid of that change. Afraid of consequences of that change. But, she made a lot of sense that change is necessary and change is good. By changing some of my current situations that really are no good, I can open doors for new and better things to come along.

I really enjoy talking with her.

All I want is to be happy and hopefully after working w/ her and a few others I'll get the tools to use to make better decisions and get out of situations I'm not happy in. There are quite a few in my life and I do have power to change them.

Just need to find it.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Easter.

He has risen =D