Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Monday, September 27, 2010


Last night I was on my way to bible study and Savannah fell asleep in the back seat. I just broke down and cried out of pure exhaustion.

Juan had weekly contacts. You wear a pair and after a week throw them away. His dad had taken his glasses the one time he met him and wouldn't mail them back to us. He had been wearing the same pair of weekly contacts in for 6 mos. His eyes yesterday were bothering him so bad.

We were in the garage and I was debating calling his dad and asking him to pay for Juan's contacts. He is under obligation to pay 1/2 of all his medical bills, but has never, ever done so. The child support increase has been tied up in courts for 2 years. Forget the fact that I never in 16 years have had an increase. He doesn't pay me near what he should to help raise a child with special needs.

My mom said to just go on and call him, it can't hurt and we might get lucky. So, I texted him and ask him and he texts back "Flat broke, sorry." I expected nothing else, so I text him back and say "I'll figure it out, I always do" So then he texts back "I'll borrow the money from somewhere." I'm like okay and text him back, "okay" So, he knows the appointment is this morning.

I knew he wasn't going to deliver so we went and cashed in 2 of Juan's college bonds for 100 bucks to cover the exam. The contact special was $99.95........

We were sitting in the waiting room and just talking. We are out of everything til Friday and the pickins are slim on food. Juan said "text my dad and see if he will pay at least 20 so we can get some food." I told Juan "You know that's a long shot." Juan says "Well, he did say yesterday he was going to borrow some money to help."

Sigh, how do you tell your child his father is a douche bag. So, to appease him I text his dad and say "Can you please just help out with 20 of it?" Of course he ignored me. Juan kept waiting for him to text back, but ........ I knew better.

I guess there's always that faint spark of hope that maybe your dad who's rejected you for 16 years will one day just magically want to help you and do stuff for you.

In the real world that's not how things work. My heart ached watching him sit there waiting for the phone.

The lady calls us back and she says "So, you are getting the contact special today right for $99.95", I tell her yes and then wonder how on earth I'm going to come up with the tax. I start thinking, I know I have change in my purse, we will get it.

I ask the lady about the $20.00 eye exam special going on ( gotta have hope right?) and she says "That's for glasses only, contact special is $99.95." I say "No problem, we are still going to get it."

I sit there patiently waiting as she takes him out to check the fit of them and everything. She is ringing up my bill and looks at me smiling and says "Hon your total is $78.70." I'm like "huh?" she said, "I took some stuff off."

It left me with exactly $20.00. Juan picked it up and laughed and said "You got your $20.00 dollars!"

His father ignored me however OUR father did not.

Heard me loud and clear and gave me $20.00.

Was exactly enough to get everything I need to make it til Friday.

I have the best Father in the whole entire world.

I cried and cried.

I love Him.



Saturday, September 25, 2010


I have been going through old papers and such my dad gave me and I came across this one from a psychologist my mom had taken me to in 1987....I didn't know it then, but it was when I had my first panic attack.
I had to laugh because I went to see my therapist on Friday and we talked about me being a people pleaser. I loathe that about myself..... Here is what it says in the 2nd paragraph if you can't read it...

Dianna seems to be rather happy, well-adjusted young lady who finds it difficult to disappoint others or not be in their good favor. This is not necessarily atypical given her age. Relationships with family members and friends all seem to be allright although I'm sure that, at times, these relationships are not perfect. These may be the times of most stress for Dianna.

I remember the visit to that Dr. It was my freshman year at Mercy Academy...My step dad had been hitting on me (sexually) for a couple of years. I would have nightmares and basically had no place to go. At my dads my step mom mentally abused me and treated their dog better and at my moms my step dad..... ugh.

He told me he used to peek at the keyholes at me to watch me take a bath when I was younger. 20 or more years later I still keep the doors covered and put a towel along the bottom. A defense mechanism that never left me. I wonder how often he watched me and wonder what kind of thrill it was watching an 11 year old girl just take a bath.

He told me he used to watch me undress, asked me if he could touch me and used to tell me to ask my friends if he could touch them too. He used to brush against me all the time, watch me all the time.

I was a kid..... Funny the letter goes on to say....

Nevertheless, the overall picture is quite healthy. Should there be another episode where Dianna feels that something "strange" is happening to her it may be beneficial to have her blood pressure checked to insure that what she is experiencing is not a physiological change. Her regular doctor can do this. The only reason for my making this suggestion is in view of the fact of her past history of high blood pressure during stressful times.

The lady should've came over to either house for a visit sometime and she would've seen why as a child I had high blood pressure. A psycho lady who thrived on humiliating the crap out of me or a psycho pot head child molester.....High blood pressure? Go figure.

Anyways I had to chuckle at that. The more things change, the more things stay the same. I didn't have a chance as a child. Not even a little bit.

Thank goodness God found me.

My knight in shining armor =)

Happy Saturday.



Wednesday, September 22, 2010

=) I love Him!!

I came through my trial and this time I handled it with grace =) YAY!!!

I can't say there weren't any tears, because there were lots, but God pulled me through.

Over and over I kept telling myself that there was nothing I could do about any of this, this was too big for me.

I didn't get angry like I would have in the past, I was sad, but not angry. I kept my head up, reminded myself every 5 minutes if I had to, that God has this in His hand. He will fix it. He promises too and He will.

He did =) He is truth. =D

I love Him so much. In this life I'm not sure about a whole lot, but I am ever so certain how much I love Him.

Lately I have been so excited because I know my break through is coming!! It's like Christmas every day or a surprise around the corner. I know it's coming.

He promised it would =) I love not knowing what I'm waiting for, but I KNOW it's coming. I feel it in my heart.

Today peace overwhelmed me. My house is spotless, everything is in order. I sat at my kitchen table and the inside of my body just felt clean. I know that doesn't sound like it makes any sense, but I'm guessing that was God's peace on me. I still feel it now, that breathe in and your heart gets all flip floppy. That's me falling deeper in love with the one who made me.

Tears well up in my eyes right now at the thought of how much I love Him. He is just so amazing and He takes such good care of me. Every promise He has made to me, He has kept. I have to learn to stop trying to control my own life because I can't. Nothing I do will make any difference in it. He has made my paths and I just walk on going where He takes me.

That doesn't mean I sit and do nothing all day, that just means He opens the doors and that feeling of peace washes over me and I know I'm in the right direction. The Holy Spirit tells me which way to go.

When I walked into the home last week, my heart overflowed telling me "Yes, this is right."

God pruned me. Everything of my old life is almost gone. I do mean everything aside from my family is gone. Video games gone, TV gone, for the most part my phone is gone, people who did me more harm than good gone.......There was nothing left but an empty slate for my maker to mold me on. I wasn't sad, because my old life wasn't any good any way. None of it and God knew what needed to go. Thirty eight years of junk needed to be removed and He did it. I don't regret anything He pruned from me for any second.

Was like an episode of Hoarders, where I was holding on to all this stuff that had no meaning and no value......God was my personal organizer and came in and got rid of all the junk! =) Amen!

I get a new life in Christ. I'd give it all up again and again and again.

He's doing it for my good. He's molding me for the better. I couldn't be happier and couldn't be more in love with Him.

Colossians 3:1 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.

Keep focusing my eyes on God and my life will fall into place.

Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

I didn't understand this at first, but now I do. The more of God I get, the more of God I want.

People can't understand unless they have been there. God has blinders on people and for some reason He chose to take mine off. It's not something anyone can explain. It really is like being blind and then seeing. I remember the EXACT moment mine were taken off. Gives me cold chills just thinking about it.

I thank God for taking mine off and choosing me to have a life with Him.

I can't wait to see what roles He has for me to fulfill, I can't wait to do what He asks me to do, I can't wait to see more people get saved and listen to them tell of the moment God took their blinders off.

It was literally like being born again and spiritually it was, for at that moment everything was shed in a whole new light. It's unexplainable.

If you have blinders on, pray God removes them. You will know when He does. You change and you can't go back to what you were, nor do you want too.

I gotta head to bed, but had to share my trial for now is over and I came through it unscathed thanks to my Father.

I absolutely, totally love Him. I love, LOVE, LOVE Him.



Saturday, September 18, 2010

God Indeed

God indeed saved the day. He sent wonderful family members to help answer some prayers =D

It really does take a village to raise a child and I love the village I live in.

Thanks to God, Praises to God and a HUGE thank you to everyone who helped this week.

Big party in 2012 =D

Thursday, September 16, 2010


Sometimes I just want to be loved too.

Sometimes I wonder if a day will come when I won't cry anymore. I know it won't til I get to be in heaven with God.

Sometimes I wonder if a week will pass and I won't have to cry anymore. That may be a real possibility.

Sometimes I wonder why a man hasn't walked into my life who hasn't hurt me in some way.

Sometimes I wonder if one won't hurt me the way the others have. I know when I get to heaven God won't.

Sometimes I wonder if the words people have said to me about me being worthless or the size of my butt will leave me.

Sometimes they echo and I try to base my worth on what God says, not what they said. God sees my heart and in his sight I'm perfect.

Sometimes I wonder if that's all people see of me, the size of my butt, the fact that I'm not highly educated, the fact that I have been quite beaten down and still am.

Sometimes I remember that God is my protector and that it's written Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: Romans 12:19 "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that and not take God's work into my hands.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that God has forgiven me, so I need to forgive.

Sometimes I want to stay in bed all day because I'm tired of being a punching bag to those who have no one better to pick on.

Sometimes I have to sit in the bathroom in front of the mirror and look at my eyes and say "you are beautiful." I am because God says I am.

Sometimes I get tired of doing stuff for people who just use me horribly. Some days I just want to tell them to piss off, but then I have to remember that God sent His only son, so us horrible human beings can have eternal life with God.

Sometimes like now when I have been crying probably 7 hours out of 24 I have to keep focused that God is using all this for good. Satan is pressing hard and I just have to keep my eyes fixed on God.

Sometimes I picture God as a light house and I'm out on this crazy sea. Storm after storm keeps coming, but I know God has me in His hands.

Sometimes I wonder if the hole I have in my heart will ever be filled, but then God sends peace to overwhelm me to fill it. I wish I could have His peace all the time, because it hurts so bad.

Sometimes I wonder why God loves me. Sometimes I even doubt that He does, but it is written that He does.

Sometimes I have to remind myself over and over like twice in this posting that God doesn't care what the size of my butt is, He doesn't care how big my bank account is, He doesn't care if I didn't do the dishes or if I forgot to clean something.

Sometimes I have to remember that God has had His hand on me since I was a small child, guiding me to where I am now.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that these trials are character builders. They are tough and they are painful, but victory is close at hand.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that His eye never leaves me. I'm perfect in His sight.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that while all the other men and I do mean every single one that has come into my life has treated me horribly........God is not them. God isn't mean. God isn't hurtful. God doesn't like when people do those things. God loves me for who I am and He made me this way.

Sometimes I just want to lay down and die because I'm tired. I just have to hang on and remember that God won't let anything happen to me that Him and I can't handle together.

Sometimes I have to remember that right now I am in His loving arms and He is carrying me, for I am too weak to hold my head up.

Sometimes I have to remember that He is all the strength I need.

Sometimes I feel like giving up, but God will not let me.

Sometimes I have to remember and tell myself that I am more than what I have been told I am.

Sometimes I have to remember that this trial will end.

Sometimes I have to remind myself Ephesians 4:26 In your anger do not sin........I have to remind myself of this over and over and over.........Breathe and relax and not say anything.

Sometimes I have to remember Proverbs 13:3 He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin. In my Christian walk this has been the hardest.

Sometimes on days like today where it seems like 24 hours have been 48, I have to go to sleep because my eyes hurt from crying.

God is bigger than, the air we breathe, the world we'll leave! My glorious!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


A few know what has been going on, so I'll share with you guys too!!

To make a long story short, I have had trouble with anxiety and panic attacks over the years. Most of the anxiety stems from PTSD. I was physically abused by my ex-husband, it never went over to my children.

So.....I had gone to work one day and came home and my sons face was black and blue. While I was away at work, my (ex)husband had taken a telephone and beat the heck out of my then 5 year old son. From that point on I wasn't able to go into work without having severe anxiety attacks. I would feel like I couldn't breathe, I would get light headed, my knees would feel weak. I was always worried about my children being at home.

With Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, working for me was one of the triggers. Being away from the kids and the traumatic event that took place while I was away...well, I couldn't do it. Me being hit was one thing, but my kids totally different level.

So....I have the most wonderful therapist in the world!! He used to be a priest and worked at a Catholic Care facility here in Louisville. He left priesthood and became a therapist....Prayers led me to him!

He contacted the lady who runs the place and to do some cognitive therapy, I start voluteering there all week!! This has potential to turn into a long term job. I am so excited and so happy.

Funny, everyone thought my happiness was based on a new man in my life!! That couldn't be further from the truth!!

I went in today and did my paperwork and got a tour. You just ever walk in a place and know that's where you are supposed to be? My heart was overflowing with so much joy. The residents there were so sweet. I stopped and talked to a lady while Cindy was getting her a blanket and she kissed my hand and thanked me for talking to her. She told me she loved me.

So many people I met today. I have to wait a couple days til my background check comes back and then I can start =). Did I mention I'm excited? God is sooooooooo good!!

This is a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE deal for me. Please send me lots of prayers that I can do this without worrying about home. My kids are grown up. When Savannahs not with me, she's in excellent hands.

I want this so bad and this is such a huge step for me. I could cry I'm so happy.

I can't wait to keep you guys updated.


Happy Tuesday!!



Friday, September 10, 2010


Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Did I say I can't stop smiling? My life is about to turn in a HUGE way and I'm sooooo excited!!!

Did I tell you I'm excited? Good things are coming my way!!

I'll tell more about it very soon, but YAY!!!! Changes are coming!!




Thursday, September 09, 2010

This is worthy of a repeat this morning =D

Luke 6:45

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010


Luke 6:45

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

I can't quit smiling. Not on any level. Even if I tried, I cannot stop. I am so thankful to God above that my time in the pit (for now) is over. He is so faithful and I love Him so incredibly much.

I have good in my heart, the Holy Spirit has filled me up with this indescribable joy and it is overflowing out of me.

Nothing has changed since I last wrote, the only thing that has changed is my attitude! I'm so thankful for God. I'm so thankful that He is working everything together for my good.

I love Him.
I love Him.

So worthy of so much praise. I wanted to fall in love and I did =)

I love Him!!!!

I'm so thankful for everything He has put in my life. I'm thankful for the trials He brings me, so I can grow into the woman He wants me to be. I'm thankful He shapes my character through those trials. It's awful being down in that slump, but I have to remember why I'm there. I'm nothing without Him and everything with Him. I know I'm going to be in a pit again soon, but enjoying my time out and Praising God for the work He did when I was down in it!!!

Song over there -----> says it all. I have nothing, I have nothing without you. I am nothing, I am nothing.... without you!

I LOVE HIM!!! YAY!!!!!

Happy Tuesday!



I Love HIM!!! =)