Friday, July 29, 2011

Been A Good Summer, Been A Bad Summer

Been sick for about a week. I picked up a stomach bug in the ER, no surprise there and today have that.

I know God is working on it. I run myself down, I did it last year and got pneumonia. When will I get it and listen? This time I think I got the point.

Trying to find the good in things lately.

Trying to be positive and focus on the good.

*I felt okay for the past 2 days. Better, stronger.
*Elmer and I had a really good time last night and he made me smile and laugh which I felt I haven't done in awhile.
*Summer *IS* coming to and end, thank God.
*I have lots of tomatoes
*I'm not angry at myself as much anymore and am accepting me for who I am.
*I'm on here blogging about things that are positive instead of blogging about what's wrong.

Have a wonderful weekend.



Monday, July 25, 2011

Off sick, lots O pondering

Have been sick lately. Long drawn out story of what happened, but I have laid in bed 3 days now. Not really any computer, a lot of TV and a lot of sleep.

My wheels keep going round and round about different things. Dizziness hit me again and I think to myself if I'm dizzy I'm no good. I had fears flash before my eyes of losing a job I love and being stuck inside this house on the computer which I hate.

I'm slowly trying to feed truth into myself about who I am and what I'm worth.

I have drawn a few conclusions this past 3 days. I don't want to be alone. I'm tired of it. I want someone to watch TV with, to hang out with...Just someone to do life with.

It kept flashing into my head that no one will want me if I'm dizzy and can't do anything. This lie has literally drained me. The one small hope I Held onto was the guy who came in my room when I was in the ER.

I was alone as usual. I was scared, tired and I dunno. Just blah. He was an EMS driver there transporting someone from that hospital to another one. He left her room and came into mine and just sat on the bed. I looked up and was like "Can I help you?" He said "I really just wanted to come in here and make sure you were okay." I told him I was fine.

Two more times he came in and I told him I had to pee. He said "I'm going to get permission to take care of you be right back" He slowly unhooked my heart machines, my IV and my other things and walked me to the restroom and waited for me.

We got back to my room and he hooked me up slowly so he could stop and talk to me. After that he stayed and talked to me for a bit til his partner was ready to go take the lady. Parts of me thinks he was just feeling sorry for me because I was alone, the other thinks "He was actually interested in me"

I really think he was, but trash talk in the back of my head says "No". It was nice, it was nice when he took my hand to lead me to the restroom. Just the compassion he showed towards me made me think so badly I want that. I don't want to do this life alone. I don't wanna be with people who hide the fact they know me.

Then I get worried that I'm going to be sick and that diminishes my value because I'm sick.

I sit here just crying because UGH! I wish my life were different.

I know it's what I make it, but how can I make it anything when I'm dizzy?

Confusion all around and I wish I had easy answers. At least I have some clarity of what I want more. It's all becoming black and white now instead of lots of gray.

Okay..........that's enough feelings for today.

Pray, pray, pray that I get well soon. Please.



Monday, July 18, 2011

Vomit of words

I don't really know where to start other than to say BLAH!

Went to bed early last night so I could lay there and cry. Shortly before midnight woke up and cried again. I haven't cried in quite awhile because it makes me dizzy. Last night I didn't care. That's all I wanted to do.

I'm so F'in unhappy it's ridiculous. I'm stressed and resent everyone and everything that makes me unhappy. I resent people with easy lives. I'm angry.

I have no help and I'm sinking fast. Not just with God, I'm sinking at life. Fail 101. Who was I to ever think that my life could be anything other than it is?

My therapist basically "Told ya so" me on Friday. He continually told me before "How can you keep up at that pace?" I think "Why the hell can't I be normal and just deal with stress normally?"

One thing he did offer me that was some comfort was that my stress is not normal. He said it overwhelms him hearing what I have to deal with.

I just need help. Last night I got angry at God again, which really bothers me. He brought me to a life I loved last summer, to one I loathe this summer. But did He bring me? Did I take myself?

I'm mad at so many people. I really want a do over on life. Go somewhere give them my phone, my house, my car and say take this..........give me a new one. Give me one with people who actually care.

I cab't go back to sleep this morning because I just keep thinking about how am I going to fit all the stuff I need to in today. Juan called last night w/ a laundry list of stuff to do. I have to go to work and be dizzy. Anthony needs a ride to and from work. Football practice, dogs.........

I get pissed off that Brett died, I get pissed off Juans dad won't take on any responsibility. It all falls on me and I start questioning God with the "Why me?"

Throw Kyles crap in there.....When I was looking in the mirror last night I realized "I'm defeated"

I am. No time for exercise today because I have to do everything for everyone else. Made a list of the top stressors in my life and ugh....

Going back to community groups tomorrow and try to start to put my life back in the direction it was when I was happy last year.

Last summer was the best of my life. Wish I could have a repeat.

I think I'll send myself a big bunch of dasies at work. Daisys.......



Thursday, July 14, 2011

Big game of tug o war

Haven't blogged too awful much lately. My aunt suggested I journal my really dry spell and my struggles as of late.

I didn't even really feel like doing that. Dry spell wasn't even the word, it was just void.

Sometimes I feel that God let me go back to everything I was missing to show me...."This is what you were missing." With fresh eyes I think "How on earth could I miss this?"

My life feels like a huge game of tug o war in a few different directions. Not a real good feeling.

I've been a little closer to God lately and never realized or understood til now what a wonderful gift His grace truly is.

I'm humbled beyond words at the grace He gives to me over and over. I totally haven't deserved any of it lately and He gives it.

I prayed for Him to show me which way to go as I struggle with switching churches and what I'm doing and unbelievable stuff just happens over and over again.

My dry spell ended Sunday. I really was just at an all low point and really on the verge of quitting it all and completely reverting back to a life that I didn't enjoy. Lets just say there's a girl I didn't think liked me etc. I don't really know how to put it other than I knew God one day would use her in my life. I was going to communion on Sunday and pass her and she grabs me, hugs me and tells me she misses me at group.

I was in shock, but that was the start....A card at work from a lady telling me how much I'm appreciated. People calling up there to see if I'm there so they can come in. People telling me that I make all the difference at work. A guy today bringing me in a stack of postcards because he wanted to show me every single place he visited while he was on vacation.

I just sit back and think...."People actually think about me outside of work?" They do.

I don't know the answer, I know I will still fail over and over...But I'm understanding so much right now that it's times like this when God is showing me not only His mercy, but so much of His grace.

I totally love Him so much and just wish I had easy answers for everything going on. I think that's His point though. He's showing me there really are no answers.

I try to fix everything and run my life the way I think it should go and I fail epically all over. When I try to do this, I'm going to fail.

Yesterday I was filled with so much joy. A joy and a peace that could only come from God. My hope is in Christ, not in anything else.

I really didn't enjoy my old life and He's helping me see how much I enjoy the one He gave me.

There's so much out there waiting for me. People who want to be with me. I don't have to force it or wish for it because it's true. I'm wanted =) and that's a wonderful feeling to have.

I repeat to myself all day long, my hope is in Christ.

Have a wonderful day =)



Friday, July 01, 2011

It's Friday!!

I finally got some much needed time off!!

Wanted to work out in my garden today, but I have an angry bird that's about to drive me to drinkin. At first I thought it was cute and sweet and now it's just annoying. It's a mother and a father bird, she made a nest on my front porch. Grumble and that's all I have to say about that.

Not too much else going on, still losing a lot of weight and exercising 5 to 6 days a week.

My stress is starting to dwindle some. I have been trying to weed out things and situations that cause me the most stress. It seems to be helping a little.

Other than that, nothing but working and exercising....then the fighting off angry birds when I leave my house.

Have a great 4th of July weekend and be safe =D