Monday, January 23, 2012

Been A While

My life is never, ever boring.

It's always stressful and lately I'm just sad.

My oldest dog Opie is sick. He's has a condition called Geriatric Vestibular Disorder. Basically oddly enough.........He's dizzy.

Ironic how he basically has the same thing I do. This morning is day 3 and I woke up hoping to see some major change in his condition and was disappointed that there are only miniscule improvements.

I called the vet this morning and she said it can take up to 2 weeks to notice improvements.

Either way it woke me up to the absolute reality that my baby is almost 14 years old, he will be going up to visit Jesus sooner than later. My heart isn't quite ready to let him go and I trust that God has his hand on it and trust that it will be a perfect time.

My life is such a mess as a whole. I find myself not caring about so much lately. My heart is fading w/ certain people and I try to hang on and hang on and my heart is changed and it's really hard to hold on to something that isn't there anymore.

I keep hoping something will spark feelings, but it doesn't. Part of it is distance, I don't know what the rest is.

I'm angry at my ex-husband because his life is working out so well. I want to run and tell his fiance about all the crap from last year when he was talking to me and wreck his happiness............but, I can't.

That's not the right way. I don't understand why when he treated me and my boys so bad, his life works out. I know I wasn't perfect, depression killed everything at the end, but matters weren't helped by yelling day in and yelling day out at anyone in his path.

I have asked God over and over to take these feelings out of my heart, but they don't go.

I'm really frustrated lately because I feel like I'm doing nothing right to get my prayers answered. I ask anyway out of faith, but I'm not expecting answers at all because of my complete disobedience to God.

I don't know what the answers are to any of this. It's like w/ everyone around me, I'm so afraid of letting anything go because I don't know what life holds outside of what I have now. Will things come along that are worse?

I have therapy today, more of the same.

Pray for me please, my heads just in a maxium capacity overload.



Wednesday, January 11, 2012

It's Wednesday

Just got out of bed, passing time til I meet some people at the gym. So, I thought I'd bloggety blog.

I'm still in quite a mess. My weekend was horrible. One of the worst I have had in quite awhile. I still am not sure what to do about that mess.

I've changed a lot lately. In instances where I thought I was weak, I'm not. Situations and people I'd never thought I could live with out, I know I can. Changing like that and then applying it are two different things.

I know what I want out of life and I know where I sit currently I'm not going to get it. Therapy is helping me so much. Maybe it's because I'm applying what he says in most areas.

I was talking to a friend the other day and he says "Dianna, you can't open and know what is behind one door, unless you close the others."

This statement has stuck in my head since he said it. It's true. I'm just always afraid what's behind the new doors will be worse than what's behind the doors I already have.

I guess I just live life with too much fear. Right now too much anger and resentment at people.

So........I don't know what to do, but I'm closer than I was yesterday and tomorrow I'll be closer than I was today.

That's my hope and for the first time in a long time I have it!!

Things are going to be okay!



Saturday, January 07, 2012

What Have I Done?

I woke up from the dream that is my life and I am my own crown of thorns.

What the hell did I do?

What the hell did I throw away?

What the hell am I thinking?

I wish I wasn't so distant from God lately. I need so much help and my heart physically hurts.

Good grief, what did I do?




God.......Help me.

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

This is not my home

Just listened to this and cried my wee little eyes out

I'm just so thankful that I won't always have to stay here. I 'm so tired of mean people, vindictive people, angry people.........I'm tired

I'm sooooooooo glad that I don't always have to stay here. I can't wait to go to my real home and leave this place.

Just windows and walls, I'm just passing through, this is my temporary home.

Thank God.