Monday, January 23, 2012

Been A While

My life is never, ever boring.

It's always stressful and lately I'm just sad.

My oldest dog Opie is sick. He's has a condition called Geriatric Vestibular Disorder. Basically oddly enough.........He's dizzy.

Ironic how he basically has the same thing I do. This morning is day 3 and I woke up hoping to see some major change in his condition and was disappointed that there are only miniscule improvements.

I called the vet this morning and she said it can take up to 2 weeks to notice improvements.

Either way it woke me up to the absolute reality that my baby is almost 14 years old, he will be going up to visit Jesus sooner than later. My heart isn't quite ready to let him go and I trust that God has his hand on it and trust that it will be a perfect time.

My life is such a mess as a whole. I find myself not caring about so much lately. My heart is fading w/ certain people and I try to hang on and hang on and my heart is changed and it's really hard to hold on to something that isn't there anymore.

I keep hoping something will spark feelings, but it doesn't. Part of it is distance, I don't know what the rest is.

I'm angry at my ex-husband because his life is working out so well. I want to run and tell his fiance about all the crap from last year when he was talking to me and wreck his happiness............but, I can't.

That's not the right way. I don't understand why when he treated me and my boys so bad, his life works out. I know I wasn't perfect, depression killed everything at the end, but matters weren't helped by yelling day in and yelling day out at anyone in his path.

I have asked God over and over to take these feelings out of my heart, but they don't go.

I'm really frustrated lately because I feel like I'm doing nothing right to get my prayers answered. I ask anyway out of faith, but I'm not expecting answers at all because of my complete disobedience to God.

I don't know what the answers are to any of this. It's like w/ everyone around me, I'm so afraid of letting anything go because I don't know what life holds outside of what I have now. Will things come along that are worse?

I have therapy today, more of the same.

Pray for me please, my heads just in a maxium capacity overload.



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