Thursday, October 28, 2010

Heading in the right direction

So, this morning bit the dust quite quickly.

I'm exhausted, but I'm not functioning by my own strength, I'm functioning on the strength of the one who made me.

You ever get those feelings where your mind is going in 100 different directions? You are trying to think of solutions to problems, you are sad because you don't know what to do with the problem? I was there this morning. My mind was going crazy, I was crying...upset. I got in my car and turned to go down this long road. As I was driving I look closely at the road. The telephone poles because of the position of the sun are all perfectly made crucifixes lying before me. One right after the other.

In the midst of all the confusion running around in my head not knowing what direction to take...Seeing those and listening as I hear God say "Just keep following me."

He showed me my path and the only way I need to go is on His path. He showed me the way. A reminder from a simple telephone pole to go His way.

Taking Him up on His offer I gave Him all my troubles today. I surrendered them quicker this time and I'm going to take my joy back. The thief isn't getting my happiness today.

How long will it take before I full grasp that I can fix nothing? I can't fix this. Not even a little.

A shadow on the road was all it took for me to remember I'm on the right path. Keep following God and things will work out. Stay and don't give up. This too shall pass.


Happy Thursday.


Saturday, October 23, 2010


Psalm 147:4

He determines the number of the stars and He calls them each by name.

Stars are amazing. These beautiful specks of light on a black sky that twinkle and show off their light to any who decide to look up.

When a star gets exhausted and dies......Well, it becomes a black hole.

Sometimes I fear my heart is like this. People come into my life and they shine so brightly, light up my life...Then as always...They go away. I have so many black holes in my heart, places where all the light that shined so brightly........gone.

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about some of these holes in my heart. I felt the tears coming down my face and just felt so empty inside.

I get even afraid that God will leave me. Maybe He will find out who I truly am. Maybe He will see what all these others did that left me and leave me too. Maybe He will find someone better than me and just hang on to me until He does.

I know it's promised that He won't ever leave me. I try to drill this truth in my head over and over, but I keep coming back to all the people who promised all these things and now left holes in my heart.

His promises aren't empty and without meaning.

His promises are true and real.

God isn't human. God isn't like those people. God's not a liar, He's not a user, He's not a cheater.....He's God.

Wishing that He would take those feelings away isn't helping. Obviously I have to learn to work through them and find and believe the truth in them. Faith. Faith. Faith.

God can fill all my black holes with light if I let Him. I don't and I can't by myself. As I was crying last night, I told Him again and again, I can NOT do this alone. I can't.

Feels like sometimes I do everything as a Christian wrong. Maybe that's the point, I'm supposed to do it all wrong. No one gets it right.

God won't leave me. He won't. I feel like one slip up and He will say "I'm out of here, this chick so isn't worth it." But He won't.

He won't.
He won't.
He won't.

That would be one black hole I couldn't fill.

Jesus totally is the light of this world. I wish I could've known Him and walked with Him. Wish I could've ran behind Him, just to touch his cloak.

John 8:12
12When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

He is the total light in my life. How great He truly is.

How Great Thou Art

O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.
When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

Happy Saturday.



Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A few pics =)

My sweet baby doggy =D His tumors are getting bigger. I wish they'd disappear.
My son left and his good friend Jessie. They are on the football team together. Jessie went all over God's great green earth with us this weekend.
PhotobucketThe wall they climbed and I used to climb it when I was their age, so that's kinda cool =)

Happy Tuesday!



Monday, October 18, 2010

Psalm 23:1 The LORD is my shepherd

Psalm 23:1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want

Today a rest period after 3 straight weeks of being gone. I literally most days was only at my house to sleep. I haven't had much of a chance to spend with God at all. We had our little exchanges in the car and I haven't missed church...But, church and I have been disconnected the past couple of weeks.

Bible study has become my God time where not only do we study the word, my aunt and I share everything and it's all God centered. It's so nice to have someone to talk to about that. I cherish that time every week.

After a long nap to day I woke up, came to the computer and watched a broadcast my aunt had told me was very good on blessings, then I went back to my room to have some one on one God time.

I had missed those days!! We talked about all kinds of things and I always ask God questions to find out more about Him. Some days it will be what's your favorite color, or where is your favorite place to visit on earth. Today it was "What's your favorite thing in my house?" Immediately he answers "you." It instantly brought me to tears and was just the sweetest thing I have heard in forever! So, after I cry I ask God, "What is your favorite material thing in my house?" He tells me to get up and go to my curio cabinet.

I open it up and I say "The angel up there?" "Yes" He says. I look at it and really had never paid any attention to it. It is an angel my aunt gave to me when she was moving. I turn it over and it said on the bottom "The Lords Prayer" So I wound it up and just listened to it. I have pics below of it. The angel had sheep on it's lap and by it's side and I said to God..."Why sheep?."


He led (As shepherds do =D ) me to my answers as he always does. "You are my sheep" He says. He tells me to go and read what a Shepherd does...So I followed and read.

John 10:5 hits home with me really well.

John 10:5 But they will never follow a stranger, in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice.

How true. I am learning so much about people, preachers,life and what is God and what is not God. I'm no expert on what God is, but I know quite a bit what He is not. Every day I am learning about His voice. His is sweet like no other and I do know it. The more time I spend with Him, the more I know the distinction.

The other thing that jumped out at me was Matthew 10:6
Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves.

I feel like I live in the wolf den! Me and my aunt were talking last night about things people do..Really,really mean spirited things. There is no understanding why people want to hurt one another. I told my aunt last night "I think there is a target on me that says use me." Men can spot my gentleness MILES and MILES away. Sometimes I go over and over in my head why they said a certain thing to me with only the intent to hurt me... Gonna start dating from the sheep pen not the wolf den!

Good thing the ultimate Shepherd laid down His life for me. That's what shepherds do. At night when all the shepherds are at the same spot and all their sheep mingle, in the morning they call out to the sheep and each one goes to the right master. The shepherd goes before the sheep. He encounters every wolf before they do and clears the path. I just look at all the enemies God has cleared out on my own path and think about how much worse it could've been. Thankfully...

The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want;
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters;
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the
Lord forever.

Psalm 23

That was my lesson on why Shepherds. I'm so glad to be His sheep!

=) I Love Him!



Friday, October 15, 2010

Thursday, October 14, 2010


Proverbs 16:18-19
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud.

Yes, I'm guilty of it. I have received countless emails, phone calls, texts about my blog and why it's closed. The only answer I can give to you is my pride.

People read this where I express my deepest feelings and then in turn, they use those feelings against me.

Some people are so arrogant that they think everything I write is about them and that couldn't be further from the truth. I know quite a few people. Not everything in this world is about you!

Over the past few weeks I have been a bit (a lot) depressed. It wasn't from circumstances in my life, it was from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I haven't written much about it here, it's quite embarrassing to have it.

Some things happened a few weeks ago and it sent me into flash back stage. It's not like people are shell shocked and run all over the place screaming.......I just go back emotionally to hard times in my life and actually get the same feelings I got when I was in those situations. This overwhelming sense of desperation...Sadness, guilt. I replay the incidents over and over and have no clue why I'm even thinking about them. Thinking about what I could've done differently. When I was hit, when someone was manipulating me, when someone was saying harsh things......... Ring tones can trigger them, someone saying something or doing something can trigger them........People can trigger them.

No one understands. If you have your arm missing or something and people can see it, they are sympathetic towards you. If you have disabilities mentally, something people can't see......People are very ignorant to that and lack empathy in that department. They view you as weak, when they are the ones who made you that way in the first place.

Let me tell you.......The feelings are very real and it's very hard to deal with. Especially when you don't know what's going on and why you feel like that.

When I was removing people from my life, they were people who triggered flash backs for me. People who used me or hurt me so severely even the slightest word from them could send me down into a deep depression.

So, to not give them ammunition anymore, I turned my blog off. I missed writing and I missed sharing things, but I had to get back on my feet emotionally before I could start to write again.

When I last wrote, I wrote about someone doing something pretty bad to me, disrespecting me in a big way. Hurting me. I will lower my pride once again and say....It sent me into the stinking flash back mode. Depressed, crying......Not knowing what was wrong with me.

Therapy, therapy, therapy to remind me, nothing is wrong with me. Only them. Therapy to help me understand I'm not crazy, I have suffered a lot of abuse. It happens.

I did a lot of praying to God and He revealed as always so much to me. I always come out smarter. I'm out of that mode, I'm back to normal and praising God for delivering me.

That is not a fun place to be on any level.

Just bear with me if I don't write much, it's tough when people use your feelings as weapons against you. So, I'm going to be really careful about what I put here.

On a side note, my life is going fantastic. Juan finally got the help he needed with the right therapists and the meds they have him on are amazing!! The appointments are far away and it's a lot of driving on my part, but I'd triple the days and the drives if the results are the same.

His football is going fantastic, his school work is fantastic.

A true miracle indeed and praise to God!!



Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Better =)

Just stopping by to say I'm a lot better tonight =)

I left all my email loops (part of that pruning I speak of so often) and I know some come by here to check on me.

My spirits are much better. I had lunch today with a good friend and just being with another adult and talking helped immensely.

If you hadn't guessed, someone treated me with complete and total disrespect, used me for their own gain and to prove a point to someone else. It hurt.

I didn't see it coming, but then again, I never do.

I don't grasp meanness.

I wish I didn't have to grasp hurt so well. I don't wear it well and yet wear it so often.

God is teaching me through it and this last hurt saved me a lot of future trouble.

Blessing in disguise. I look to see someone has changed for the better, but find they have changed for the worse.

I asked for wisdom in the situation and received it. Praise be to God!

Nitey nite!


Me =)

Monday, October 04, 2010


Not sure if I will be pulling an all nighter. I refuse to go to bed til God gives me enough grace, peace.....anything to take away all this anger.

I get a lot of comments and private emails about my blog and my blog being truthful.

Sometimes I hate the truth.

You know the guilt one feels as a God loving Christian who wants to scratch someones eyes out? You know the guilt I feel as a Christian who just wants to take my hands and punch them through walls because I am so sick and tired of people who claim to be men?

The the guilt of with God I'm supposed to be walking in love.... I'm not doing that when I'm so angry. Love right now is far from me, which means I am separated from God whom I need most right now.

Do you know how sick I am of being used by people? Do you know how tired I am of accepting ALL the responsibilities that people refuse? Do you know how much my heart hurts because people continually take things from me and rip it out?

Oh, but I'm a good person..... So that gives all these people every right to come in and take what they want from me.

I'm angry. That anger burns me so much tonight I don't know whether I want to cry, hit something or run. I know I need to be praying, but I'm just entirely too pissed off to even think about going before God.

That's probably the time I should, but what will He say? Wait on me.....I just get so sick and tired of waiting. That's all I ever hear.

Am I hearing Him wrong?

Where's the line between being a doormat Christian or just waiting on the Lord to take care of these people.

Maybe it's a lesson I'm not learning?

Am I failing at being a Christian because this keeps happening?

Then I have to remember the Gospel and know that Jesus died for the very sins I am commiting every 5 seconds tonight.

What am I doing? Always waiting?

Waiting is so hard and am I even supposed to be waiting?

I don't understand.

How much of this is my fault?

I just don't understand so much tonight and I'm just mad.

Quit taking things from me! Sometimes I just feel like a car and at one time I was nice, had all my wheels......fresh paint....

Throw in some men and I'm a stripped vehicle no wheels, paints chipped and rusted, gutted out for parts. Nothing good left and yet people just come along to take what ever is left.

Just put me in the junkyard.

Funny thing is....... Since were using the car analogy...... I built them up, even took from my own car to put on theirs.

Not one single man EVER in my life has been honest and really cared about me or my kids. I think I attract narcissists... What can I take from her? She's of no value to me, lets use her as a bench warmer and keep her around for awhile, then after I use her and need her no more she can go...

Yea, I'm not stupid to see that I've been used every time for what ever reason.

No, I haven't went on a date recently and it's gone bad. I wouldn't even consider dating at this point because every single man who has been in my life has sucked me dry. Have I done things wrong? Oh, you bet. Did I use them, take, take, take from them, lie to them to lead them on? No, never.

Leading someone on for your own benefit is about as low as it can get.

You say that's not the case. Oh, it is the case. A spades a spade.

Never make promises to someone that you have no intentions of keeping. It's sick. What joy do you get from that? What joy comes from leading someone on?

I can't think like that, because I'm not like that.

You are only as good as your word. Good thing I know now how many words were just junk. Lies. Lies. Lies.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I have done things in all my relationships that I'm not proud of.....But I've never used anyone.

Sitting in my pit I ask......

How much more God? How much? What the heck am I doing wrong now?

How much more waiting? What the heck am I waiting for anyways? Why do these people do these things to me and why do me and my kids suffer for it? They are doing stuff wrong, why do I get the crap out of it?

God...........I don't understand. Not any.

That's truth.

To top all this stress off, my dog has developed three more tumors.

I got him when I moved out of the women's shelter. He is the absolute love of my life. I'm scared and I'm sad.

Did I mention I'm angry?????

Frick. Night.

Pray for me please. Pray all these spineless men without a backbone just leave me alone. Funny, I can leave ALL of them alone, but none can me. I have nothing left fellas, you stripped me, lied to me and left me for the junk yard. Don't want anymore dog and pony shows. Try truth on. It's not always easy to wear, but it makes you a real man.

Just go away. Please.