Monday, October 04, 2010


Not sure if I will be pulling an all nighter. I refuse to go to bed til God gives me enough grace, peace.....anything to take away all this anger.

I get a lot of comments and private emails about my blog and my blog being truthful.

Sometimes I hate the truth.

You know the guilt one feels as a God loving Christian who wants to scratch someones eyes out? You know the guilt I feel as a Christian who just wants to take my hands and punch them through walls because I am so sick and tired of people who claim to be men?

The the guilt of with God I'm supposed to be walking in love.... I'm not doing that when I'm so angry. Love right now is far from me, which means I am separated from God whom I need most right now.

Do you know how sick I am of being used by people? Do you know how tired I am of accepting ALL the responsibilities that people refuse? Do you know how much my heart hurts because people continually take things from me and rip it out?

Oh, but I'm a good person..... So that gives all these people every right to come in and take what they want from me.

I'm angry. That anger burns me so much tonight I don't know whether I want to cry, hit something or run. I know I need to be praying, but I'm just entirely too pissed off to even think about going before God.

That's probably the time I should, but what will He say? Wait on me.....I just get so sick and tired of waiting. That's all I ever hear.

Am I hearing Him wrong?

Where's the line between being a doormat Christian or just waiting on the Lord to take care of these people.

Maybe it's a lesson I'm not learning?

Am I failing at being a Christian because this keeps happening?

Then I have to remember the Gospel and know that Jesus died for the very sins I am commiting every 5 seconds tonight.

What am I doing? Always waiting?

Waiting is so hard and am I even supposed to be waiting?

I don't understand.

How much of this is my fault?

I just don't understand so much tonight and I'm just mad.

Quit taking things from me! Sometimes I just feel like a car and at one time I was nice, had all my wheels......fresh paint....

Throw in some men and I'm a stripped vehicle no wheels, paints chipped and rusted, gutted out for parts. Nothing good left and yet people just come along to take what ever is left.

Just put me in the junkyard.

Funny thing is....... Since were using the car analogy...... I built them up, even took from my own car to put on theirs.

Not one single man EVER in my life has been honest and really cared about me or my kids. I think I attract narcissists... What can I take from her? She's of no value to me, lets use her as a bench warmer and keep her around for awhile, then after I use her and need her no more she can go...

Yea, I'm not stupid to see that I've been used every time for what ever reason.

No, I haven't went on a date recently and it's gone bad. I wouldn't even consider dating at this point because every single man who has been in my life has sucked me dry. Have I done things wrong? Oh, you bet. Did I use them, take, take, take from them, lie to them to lead them on? No, never.

Leading someone on for your own benefit is about as low as it can get.

You say that's not the case. Oh, it is the case. A spades a spade.

Never make promises to someone that you have no intentions of keeping. It's sick. What joy do you get from that? What joy comes from leading someone on?

I can't think like that, because I'm not like that.

You are only as good as your word. Good thing I know now how many words were just junk. Lies. Lies. Lies.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I have done things in all my relationships that I'm not proud of.....But I've never used anyone.

Sitting in my pit I ask......

How much more God? How much? What the heck am I doing wrong now?

How much more waiting? What the heck am I waiting for anyways? Why do these people do these things to me and why do me and my kids suffer for it? They are doing stuff wrong, why do I get the crap out of it?

God...........I don't understand. Not any.

That's truth.

To top all this stress off, my dog has developed three more tumors.

I got him when I moved out of the women's shelter. He is the absolute love of my life. I'm scared and I'm sad.

Did I mention I'm angry?????

Frick. Night.

Pray for me please. Pray all these spineless men without a backbone just leave me alone. Funny, I can leave ALL of them alone, but none can me. I have nothing left fellas, you stripped me, lied to me and left me for the junk yard. Don't want anymore dog and pony shows. Try truth on. It's not always easy to wear, but it makes you a real man.

Just go away. Please.


Melzie said...

Di the Bible says even Jesus got angry. Anger isn't a sin. God can deal with your anger, He has dealt with much worse. Just get all of it out and let Him fill you up again. There is no real advice I can give you except don't hold onto it, and don't waller in it. Feel it, get it out and then go on. I'm sorry sweet pea, but anger only makes bitter and you are too sweet for that. :) God still loves ya even angry. And so do I! Prayers for sure. <3

A Flowered Purse said...

I let it all out this morning on my drive to Anchorage. Mel you have known me for years and know all the struggles. I know you and yours. Sometimes it gets tiring and I can't understand.
God promised me He is working on this latest fiasco and I believe it will work out.
I just get tired of bearing the weight of other peoples sin. I can barely manage the weight of my own.
I got to send you an email of what happened last week and what's happening now. Girl, it's a mess.
Thanks for being there for me. One blessing I can surely say God gave me was a friend like you.
You my dear are one of the greatest gifts ever in my whole life.
I love you so very much and miss you just the same.
Your BFF