Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Baby Steps

I really made a HUGE leap tonight. I had some stuff up in my closet, in a box.

Old memories, old notes, old cards.....etc.

It was very hard taking the step to take them from their places to put them in the box. I remember doing it, crying...touching each card, reading each word. Looking at all the things, the pictures...

Tonight without any tears, I was able to throw the box away =)

No tears, no sadness...I FELT NOTHING and it felt fantastic!!!

That was a HUGE step for me. You have no idea.

I prayed for so long for the strength.

Another prayer answered!!

Praise God!! =)

Decorating for Christmas tomorrow YAY!!



Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving


Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. It was nice to have a day off =) FROM everything! I even took the day off from the gym!!

Ate lots of good food and saw family YAY!!

So thankful for my family and friends and most of all I'm thankful for God and His love.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Him...so very, very much.

He's the best ever!!

Life is so good!


Monday, November 22, 2010


I think that's a good word. Blank.

That's me these days. Blank.

I don't know what God's doing in my life. I have not the foggiest idea and I know He's the master of taking a mess and making it something, but I feel like I have been wiped clean and not the way I felt "clean" when I was baptized.

Am I growing? I believe so. Almost all remnants of my old life with the exception of a few same faces are gone. Memories gone too. It's in the past. Leave it.

I had to think 5 minutes to remember something about Elmer other than flowers. I drew blanks...I could think of nothing about Brett. All I remember of Kyle is how angry he was/is.

Blank. I don't know why and even worse...I don't care. I was on the world's biggest pity pot and I see now...Who cares? I don't want sympathy, I don't want understanding, I don't want anything from anyone.

That's my headspace. Anything I used to like, I don't. Flowers, but that's it. Chocolate, I haven't had it in 7-8 weeks nd I don't even miss it. Food...Don't miss it.

All I want to do is run. The only time I feel like I'm feeling anything, is when I'm running. Not running from things, actually physical running. Five days a week isn't enough for me. I see now why Forest ran when Jennie left him. I totally understand that part of the movie now.

People who are/were mean........Who cares. They aren't going to change and sitting around moping or complaining about them not changing isn't going to make them change. I'm fed up, sick of going around the same mountain over and over.

Realizing letting go actually means letting go. Not hanging on to remnants of this or that....Past is the past, leave it and move forward. I hung onto Brett for years and what did it do? Did it bring him back? Nope. It wasn't wrong to miss him at all, because I do miss him, but I hung on too long.

I feel like God Control, Alt, Deleted my brain. Nothing is the same and I have no idea what's going on. Maybe I hit my head harder than I thought in the wreck.

My chalkboard erased and I have nooooooooo clue where it's headed.

Submit, submit, submit because nothing can be done about anything anyways.

Life is complicated. It always will be. 38 years of wishing it were different isn't going to make it different. My life is what it is. Complicated...So, just shut up and live it.

That's what I say to myself now. The big leaf battle this year, 5 hours into raking I started to feel sorry for myself. Immediately I say to myself..."Shut up and do it. You whining about it in your head isn't going to get the leaves up, so shut up and pick the things up and move on."

Wishing is useless. Absolutely useless.

It doesn't change anything.

Happy whatever day it is.



Friday, November 12, 2010

Thought of something now LOL

After I posted all that, I went and read some of my posts from the last couple of years.....I have so many mixed emotions about my old posts.

One thing stood out at me and I didn't see back then, how truly angry I was. I read and think, 'Did I write that?'

I am ashamed at some of the things I wrote and I'm not sure if I should delete them or keep them there as a reminder of how far I have come.

My aunt Carol pointed out to me the progress I have made and I have said a few times, "I really don't see it."

I see it now.

God delivered me from that complete and total mess I was in. I couldn't see how angry I was til I was removed from all that chaos, then I had to heal.

Man...I must've been unbearable to live with. I'm sad for my kids because they had to put up with me when I was like that. I thank God so much for helping me mature and change my heart. Very little of that anger is left in my heart and with every situation that happens, God sifts it out.

He is the Potter, I am the clay.

I am just sitting here crying at who I have become and from what. Nothing short of a miracle.

I said some pretty awful things to a whole lot of people and I misdirected my anger at so many.

Wow. Wow.

No wonder my self confidence was so low. I didn't like that girl.

I almost feel sorry for me back then, I was so lost.

All that hurt, all that pain and I didn't know my healer.

I can not tell you how thankful I am for God changing me.

I'm finally who I really am.

Thank you, thank you, thank you God!!

I'm in awe at the progress I've made.




I have started to blog a few times and I just can't think of anything to say.

Today is the first day I have had off in ages and at the end of it I think how boring it is just sitting at home.

I went and had an awesome workout this morning. That's about it.

Tomorrow a friend invited me over, so I'm gonna go hang out. Tomorrow afternoon is Juan's birthday dinner.

Savannah and I have been praying about things people might forget to pray for sometimes. It's cute. We prayed for all the clowns on the earth, she prayed for all the bugs in the world...Cereal makers, stray dogs. Cute, cute. I love her so very much and wish I didn't have to share her.

Well, I guess I'm out of here.

Have a great evening =) <3


Me <3

Wednesday, November 03, 2010


Yea, so I have a son with problems. Anxiety, panic, mood swings, severe depression. He has had a fear of school since kindergarten. Every year a constant battle to get him to go. He has been in the hospital, on meds.

People tend to blame me for this, saying I'm not an effective parent because I can't force him to go. That I'm just letting him get away with it.

I wish people would just either spend a day with a child who has a mental illness or shut up.

No one listens to me. Ever. Everyone just thinks they know best, when in reality I have been doing this for 15 years, I know exactly what I'm doing. I know what makes it better, I know what makes it worse.

I also know that I'm tired.

About a month ago, he retreated to his bed and wouldn't get up for 4 days unless it was to curse me out, pee or eat. This time since Wednesday of last week he hasn't been to school. They put him on all new meds which made him worse and then they tell me there's nothing they can do. He's angry at me and taking it all out on me. Suprise there, I'm everyones freaking punching bag.

I honestly don't know if I can go on. I keep looking for God in all of this and I can't find Him. It's one of those times where I am trying and trying with any strength I have to hold onto faith.

I can't express to you in words how exhausted I am. I'm tired of taking the brunt of his anger, I'm tired of everyone thinking they know better and they don't have a clue what I have been through or what he's going through.

He's not a brat, he's sick.

God, where are you? Why can't I see you in any of this? What did I do so wrong to deserve this for so many years? What good can come from this? I know I don't deserve help, but you promise that anything asked in your sons name shall be given.

I ask for help and You promise it. Where is it?

Pray please, I honestly could just throw myself on the floor and not get up. I'm that tired.

I don't wanna do this anymore.


Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Yea....So I miss summer...

Summer is officially gone and well...I'm a bit sad over it. I had a really good summer.
I miss my flowers, I miss taking pictures of them. I miss watering them. I miss when the seeds were growing and becoming flowers.
I need to look for the positive in fall, find the blessings and good things about winter.
Wahhhhhhhh! I don't wanna!
I have all my summer plants indoors, so that's kinda cool. Snow is cool. There are other cool things, like holidays I suppose...
I just really miss working in my yard.
The pic above was just taken about 3 weeks ago. The last blooms on my night blooming jasmine. I miss that smell.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Happy Fall =) Time changes this weekend.