Blank

I think that's a good word. Blank.

That's me these days. Blank.

I don't know what God's doing in my life. I have not the foggiest idea and I know He's the master of taking a mess and making it something, but I feel like I have been wiped clean and not the way I felt "clean" when I was baptized.

Am I growing? I believe so. Almost all remnants of my old life with the exception of a few same faces are gone. Memories gone too. It's in the past. Leave it.

I had to think 5 minutes to remember something about Elmer other than flowers. I drew blanks...I could think of nothing about Brett. All I remember of Kyle is how angry he was/is.

Blank. I don't know why and even worse...I don't care. I was on the world's biggest pity pot and I see now...Who cares? I don't want sympathy, I don't want understanding, I don't want anything from anyone.

That's my headspace. Anything I used to like, I don't. Flowers, but that's it. Chocolate, I haven't had it in 7-8 weeks nd I don't even miss it. Food...Don't miss it.

All I want to do is run. The only time I feel like I'm feeling anything, is when I'm running. Not running from things, actually physical running. Five days a week isn't enough for me. I see now why Forest ran when Jennie left him. I totally understand that part of the movie now.

People who are/were mean........Who cares. They aren't going to change and sitting around moping or complaining about them not changing isn't going to make them change. I'm fed up, sick of going around the same mountain over and over.

Realizing letting go actually means letting go. Not hanging on to remnants of this or that....Past is the past, leave it and move forward. I hung onto Brett for years and what did it do? Did it bring him back? Nope. It wasn't wrong to miss him at all, because I do miss him, but I hung on too long.

I feel like God Control, Alt, Deleted my brain. Nothing is the same and I have no idea what's going on. Maybe I hit my head harder than I thought in the wreck.

My chalkboard erased and I have nooooooooo clue where it's headed.

Submit, submit, submit because nothing can be done about anything anyways.

Life is complicated. It always will be. 38 years of wishing it were different isn't going to make it different. My life is what it is. Complicated...So, just shut up and live it.

That's what I say to myself now. The big leaf battle this year, 5 hours into raking I started to feel sorry for myself. Immediately I say to myself..."Shut up and do it. You whining about it in your head isn't going to get the leaves up, so shut up and pick the things up and move on."

Wishing is useless. Absolutely useless.

It doesn't change anything.

Happy whatever day it is.

Love,

~me