Sunday, August 16, 2015

Long Summer

Dear Father in heaven

I'm struggling again and falling.
I'm lost.
Driving today I saw tons of angels in the clouds
Your beauty never ceases to amaze me.

I'm sorry for all the times that I have gotten consumed in my
own self pity and busyness to not notice the beauty you place before me.

I'm so tired Papa. Sometimes I genuinely just NEED for someone to surprise me
with something nice and You do a million things and for whatever reason
it never seems to be good enough.

You give me so much and that always leaves me wanting more.
I'm sorry I screw up so much. I do appreciate everything you do for me
and I'm sorry for all the wrong I do.

I screw up again less than five minutes after asking for forgiveness.
Then you go and do something nice for me again.
I don't deserve any of the things that you give me. None.
Sometimes I just sit and wonder to myself why would you ever give me this much?

I understand it's because you love me, but in earthly settings where
everyone is so selfish, it doesn't make much sense. I'm so sorry that
I always want more and more and more and more and more and more.

I'm selfish in my prayers, I make them all about me and my children.
I often forget to take time to pray for others...but, it takes way too much time
that I don't have. How awful is that? It takes too long to pray for everyone that
needs it. I'm sorry.

I'd like to say that I try to make it right, but I do not.
When things do not go right, I feel like You are mad at me.
I know you are not.
When I say my prayers and say I'm sorry for things, sometimes I just say them
thinking that's what You want to hear. You know this already.

I am sorry. I think about the car you have given me, the house, the nice decorations surrounding me
but most of all I think about the best gift you gave me of Your son.
But do I? Sometimes it seems so unreal and when I see good people I can see how you
would send your son for them...But me? no.

I suck.


I love you.


Thursday, March 19, 2015

What a flipping winter

Well, this winter sucked. I haven't blogged at all...When do I have time?

I have entered into a season in my life of sheer frustration. I am actually sitting here crying right now b/c my insides are all turned about from frustration. I have been sick with the flu to start with and I'm not sure that can ever end well. Before the flu, I was frustrated.

I go through my list of things like I normally do....Elmer, no...Kids, or no...I have no idea why this round of frustration.

The pressure is on all around. I don't want to have to live with my son my whole life because of not being able to be self-sufficient. I have the fear looming over my head all the time that dizziness could be back any second and as it did before it can take everything I have and destroy it into a million pieces once again.

Maybe that's it...Maybe it's having something over my head at all times....Looming around, hovering around and it can strike at any moment and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing.

Judging from the amount of tears I have right now, I'm guessing that's it. I prayed about it for years and I guess it's one of those things that God isn't going to answer, just get me through and I don't wanna just get through, I want it gone. I want guarantees that I can live my life like normal.

It's not fair that everything can be taken away and I'm trapped and stuck in this same place. It's like saying I'll never be any better than I am right now. I hate that fear, I hate always having something looming over me. I see an upping of my meds in the near future.

Take so much til I am numb and feel nothing.

Please pray for me, that I can find some way to deal with this crap. I miss the days of being afraid of thunderstorms.



A very


Saturday, January 03, 2015

Been a long, long, long time.

I haven't written in so long...July??? Good grief! Sad part is, is there's nothing to really update. Most people who read my blog are on Facebook and they know everything that goes on in my life.

My SAD is pretty severe this season. It rains and then rains some more and then rains yet some more. I'm so sick of rain.

God is still wonderful as ever.

I have really nothing else to write =)



Sunday, July 27, 2014

Psalm 23

I promised my friend Melody that I would come blog about my amazing dream last night. She said I should blog it to remember it and look back on it.

I have been taking Zoloft for almost a year and it blocks almost all my bad feelings. Every once in awhile they creep in, for the most part they stay gone. Alot of my feelings come out in dreams while I am asleep. I'm okay with that because at least I don't have to feel them.

Last night I had the most amazing dream of my life. When I thought of it this morning, I cried. When I drove home from the store I cried. God is so very good to me. He is amazing and I love Him with all of my heart and all of my soul.

In my dream I wasn't in a room or anything, I'm not quite sure where I was but I was alone. There were no colors, no furniture, nothing. I was crying and by crying I mean hysterically sobbing about loneliness. My soul felt so empty and alone and I felt the physcial pain of that.

Out of no where God spoke to me and put me on His lap. He was comforting my soul and speaking to me. I sobbed "Papa, I'm so lonely and it hurts so bad" and He said "It's all okay, it's going to be okay. It will be over soon and you will meet someone very soon"

He kept speaking to me and saying "It's all okay, it's going to be okay." Like waves washing upon the ocean, with every wave, the pain got less and less. I was on His lap and the pain was draining away.

It was the best dream of my life and my God, my Papa was with me. He was comforting my soul. All day long Psalm 23 has been in my head.

Psalm 23 King James Version (KJV)

23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

I can't even type this without tears stinging my eyes. My heart feels so empty of pain and so full of love for Father.

You don't have any clue what this means to me. He restored my soul, He comforted me, He loved on me, His daughter. He showed me mercy and compassion, He showed me what real love is. His presence...Him just being there with me. He was with me and He showed me.

That pain is so real in my life and busyness hides it, medicine hides it but the pain is still there that I am lonely.

My cup does runneth over and my God is so good to me.

I love my Father.



Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Spring is springing

Birds are singing and I CAN HEAR Them!!! Well, since I last posted I have moved into an apartment and my heart flutters with joy when I think about it. If I thanked God a million times for putting me here, it wouldn't be enough. You know that feeling that you get when you are in love, the butterflies? I get that here. When I look to my right out my window and see the view of the city.

When I go into my bedroom and take a look around I have to take a second to pause and thank God.

The goodness He has shown me is overwhelming at times. I am so thankful to Him after all that He continues to do for me and how much grace He continues to show me.

I have tears in my eyes when I think of the goodness shown to me.

Short and sweet and Oh so thankful.



Tuesday, January 28, 2014

My First 2014 Post!!

Slacking a bit on my once a month posts! Things have been hectic here and things are going great. Set to move on February 8 and can I get a praise God on that one!!!!!!!!!!

I won't have to look at the Gobbler's ugly shed, junk piles, junk cars anymore. Won't have to hear him fighting or shooting anyone anymore. Won't have to smell the awful smells that come from over there, have all his drug deals park in my yard. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want peace and quiet!

I can't complain right now, things are going great and life is going great.

Hope everyone has a wonderful 2014 and I'll catch you in February!



Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Happy New Years

2013 has less than 6 hours left and I have really been contemplating this past year. I will say it was a huge year of personal growth for me, especially with my meds. God delivered me from so much emotional turmoil I was experiencing and now I feel as if I am who I really am.

Depression robbed so much of my life and I had no idea how severe it was, until now, when I'm out of it. Well, I'm not even sure if I'm out of it, but coming out of it. I like different things, I am discovering who I am. I am developing my strengths and letting go and accepting my weaknesses. Most importantly I am letting go of what's behind me and just going to enjoy what's ahead.

It's amazing to me the changes that have come my way.

I had a wonderful Christmas. Elmer made sure I had stuff to open under the tree and for once I had NO idea what any of it was. It was nice to feel like a child opening surprises. He truly spoiled me with gifts and it really did make my Christmas wonderful.

Troy enjoyed his second Christmas, Savannah and the boys enjoyed theirs.

My one word for this past year is growth and I hope that 2014 brings even more growth so I can develop into the woman God wants me to be.]

Have a wonderful New Year.

Much Love,

Me <3