Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Spring is springing

Birds are singing and I CAN HEAR Them!!! Well, since I last posted I have moved into an apartment and my heart flutters with joy when I think about it. If I thanked God a million times for putting me here, it wouldn't be enough. You know that feeling that you get when you are in love, the butterflies? I get that here. When I look to my right out my window and see the view of the city.

When I go into my bedroom and take a look around I have to take a second to pause and thank God.

The goodness He has shown me is overwhelming at times. I am so thankful to Him after all that He continues to do for me and how much grace He continues to show me.

I have tears in my eyes when I think of the goodness shown to me.

Short and sweet and Oh so thankful.

Love,

Me



Tuesday, January 28, 2014

My First 2014 Post!!

Slacking a bit on my once a month posts! Things have been hectic here and things are going great. Set to move on February 8 and can I get a praise God on that one!!!!!!!!!!

I won't have to look at the Gobbler's ugly shed, junk piles, junk cars anymore. Won't have to hear him fighting or shooting anyone anymore. Won't have to smell the awful smells that come from over there, have all his drug deals park in my yard. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want peace and quiet!

I can't complain right now, things are going great and life is going great.

Hope everyone has a wonderful 2014 and I'll catch you in February!

Love,

Me

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Happy New Years

2013 has less than 6 hours left and I have really been contemplating this past year. I will say it was a huge year of personal growth for me, especially with my meds. God delivered me from so much emotional turmoil I was experiencing and now I feel as if I am who I really am.

Depression robbed so much of my life and I had no idea how severe it was, until now, when I'm out of it. Well, I'm not even sure if I'm out of it, but coming out of it. I like different things, I am discovering who I am. I am developing my strengths and letting go and accepting my weaknesses. Most importantly I am letting go of what's behind me and just going to enjoy what's ahead.

It's amazing to me the changes that have come my way.

I had a wonderful Christmas. Elmer made sure I had stuff to open under the tree and for once I had NO idea what any of it was. It was nice to feel like a child opening surprises. He truly spoiled me with gifts and it really did make my Christmas wonderful.

Troy enjoyed his second Christmas, Savannah and the boys enjoyed theirs.

My one word for this past year is growth and I hope that 2014 brings even more growth so I can develop into the woman God wants me to be.]

Have a wonderful New Year.

Much Love,

Me <3

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Packing up and moving on

I started taking Zoloft back in August and I have had dream after dream about packing up all my stuff in my old houses and moving out. Sometimes it's the same house, sometimes it's a different house where I have lived. I see all my old stuff, I'm always in a hurry to pack it up because for whatever reason I have to quickly get out.

Last night again I have dreamed about my house on S. 6th street. I dream about there more than any other place. I loved that townhouse, I'm not sure why I revisit it so much. Last night I was going back because I left so much stuff there and I had one day to grab what I could. It's funny before Brett died he gave me this heart necklace the Christmas before he died. I for the life of me couldn't remember what it looked like. My first ex husband went into my room at my moms when I was at cosmetology school and stole my jewelry box. It had my necklace from Brett, our wedding rings we were to use when we got married. Had special jewelry in it....Well, he stole it and pawned every single bit of it and told me that I didn't need any of that garbage anymore.

Well last night when I was grabbing what I could, I saw the necklace, it was the exact necklace. I was so happy because I had forgotten what it looked like and it was so precious to see it. I also saw my grandmas old armoire that I had and blankets. I was grabbing the boys old toys for troy. It's funny because the toys I had seen in my dream were the toys I had to leave behind in Virginia the VERY last time my husband had hit me. I had to go and left so much behind. I saw the rocking horse and blankets I had left behind. I was grabbing anything I could to take for Troy. I saw my old blankets, socks, my old shoes.

They are the most bizarre dreams and I have them all the time. I wake up remembering every detail. Sometimes I move out of Tallow Lane, sometimes Washington street...most of the time it's 6th street.

I have no idea what it means. I have looked it up online and it says I'm packing up emotional baggage and healing. Maybe that is true. I like going back though and looking at my stuff. I loathe the rush to grab and get out and have to go so much in a hurry.

Even though the dreams aren't real, I find it amazing that somewhere hidden deep in my brain, it remembered every detail of that necklace. Every single detail.

I'm in awe over it and very grateful for the opportunity to see and hold it again. I can't understand how one part of me can forget and yet another part of me can remember so vividly.

Anyway, I love the dreams I have on my meds.

Merry Christmas.

Love,

Me

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving.

Have had a really nice day with family and friends.

Over ate.

Got asked out on a date.

Took a nice long drive.

Wrote a special email telling someone how much they mean to me.

They ignored it......@@

Fed my dogs turkey

Spent the whole day with my sweetie pie Savannah

Got to see my dad and mom both on the same holiday

Spent time with my heavenly Father

Very thankful for the people that took the time to tell me how much I mean to them.

I too am thankful for you also.

Life really is good when you focus on those who truly love you.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving.

Love,

Me

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

It's November!

I have set out to blog a few times, but nothing is really going on that is exciting to write about.

Things are the same in some ways and yet so different in others. I'm finding more out about myself, my limits, my likes and dislikes.....Most importantly, why I am the way I am.

I have had a lot of bad stuff happen to me and I am doing my best to just put it behind me and let it stay in the past. I will heal from it all and I'm slowly getting there.

God is really dealing with me on things that I can not control. Things I worry over, stress over, get sad over. Sometimes the thoughts creep up and I am gently asked "Is there anything you can do about it?" No....Being stressed, angry or sad over things I can't control is pointless. It's not going to stop it. Some days this is a little harder when I feel like I'm being tested and tried by people......I remember God is bigger.

God will take care of it and make things right in His time, not mine.

I'm very thankful for God and thankful that He is healing me the right way and that He took away the weight of my worries over a problem I had no control over.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving

Love,

Me

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

My October Post

On the side effects of my Zoloft, it didn't list the one about massive confusion that accompanies recovery.

The stomach ache goes away, the sleepiness goes away, headaches go away...The confusion thus far hasn't.

What was grey before is either black or white now and I've never had to make decisions based on black and white. Only grey, I suppose that's why I always stayed in the same rut.

I posted a couple months earlier that I couldn't cry, that side effect was now gone and while I don't cry as frequently, tears have been shed. When my heart is really broken, not even medicine can keep those tears away.

I started therapy again last month to help with the confusion and it's helping to some degree, but I'm not there yet.

Today I went to the Dr. and the store. Both used to be anxiety provoking situations and I breezed through them and enjoyed things around me. The no hurry aspect is nice.

I don't look at myself in the mirror much anymore and feel utter hate. I have worth and value and most of all I have a voice too. One that matters, one that has things to say that are important.

One day at a time, one moment at a time.

That's the best I can do and now I can do it with patience and God.

I prayed for things that I'm not strong enough for and I find myself being strong enough for them.

I'm getting used to my disappointment of people around me, never realzing how mentally ill some are and some of them just out right mean.

I was very shocked for awhile and didn't know if it was just me, but it's not.

No grey....Black or white.

All these things are good in some ways, just take some getting used too.

I'll be okay.

Yes.

Love,

Me