Monday, June 28, 2010

Seeing IS believing!!

A follow up to what I had written yesterday about God and not feeling His presence til this weekend. His absence for a couple of weeks.

I was lonely and prayed and as much as I hate to admit this, I prayed to God that "I wish I had someone to talk to" He said "me" and I said "I know, I mean I wish I had a human person to talk to, too"(that's awful I know =() and he again said "me"..........I said, "Yea, I know, but it's different because I can't see you." I read the bible, John, about Lazarus and how He waited on purpose because He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead. He knows people need to see to believe. They saw Jesus raise Lazarus from the dead and they believed. They knew that Jesus was sent from God.

I had written early on in February about faith and how I struggle with it. It's hard to believe things that you can't see. I believe in God and love God, but where faith pertained in Him taking care of me.....My faith lacked.

Well.....He has shown me. I can see His loving hand all around me!

First on Monday a tree nearly 2 feet from my bedroom fell. I have pics below, it's base stood taller than my daughter. It's a huge tree and wiped the back part off the 3rd house down. Good news, it fell to the right!! If it had falled to the not only would've destroyed my house, but if I had been in my bedroom, I would've been hurt very seriously or killed.
Above is the tree at the yard it was in. The people in the 3rd house where you see the blue tarp had to move out because the back wall of the house was severely damaged. They already cut away that part of the tree. I can't see any damage to the house next door, because it's leafy back there and they have the front roped off with do not enter tape.
Below is the base of the tree in proximity to my bedroom. That wall is my room.
The fence is where the tree was, right up against it.

Next the whole air conditioning incident where Anthony and the dogs sat in the house for 24 hours or more no air conditioning, no windows open. He thought the air was on.... I came home, Opie was near a heat stroke. He was foaming at the mouth, wouldn't move. Took 5 hours to get the house cool and he got up and moved around. Was wobbly for a couple of days, but no worse for the wear. Anthony himself could've gotten sick himself.

Savannah had a cold with a bit of a cough......being around her, I in turn get it. Of course it turned into double pnemonia, which I have never had. I had problems with the medicines and finally today the insurance companies got everything worked out and I got my meds!! I'm feeling weak but better. God is with me.

And lastly.........Last night I kept smelling something funky. I had no clue what it was. I looked but couldn't find it anywhere. I had been sleeping on the couch since I can't lay flat from coughing......Well, this morning I got all my stuff moved back into my room and turn on the light.....what do I find?
The plug to the clock had caught on fire. The fan plug had smoke damage, but that plug was melted and crispy. How the fire started. No clue. How the fire was put out, no clue. It went to the left, which makes me happy because had it gone to the right those curtains would've gone up in flames. I could've lost my house, my life, my pets.......

The good news in all these instances....I got a good dose of oh my gosh, that could've killed me. But IT DIDN'T. God just gave me all the proof I need that I don't have to see Him to know that He is indeed all around me.

He's protecting me. He's protecting my house and my family.

That boosted my faith incredibly.

I love God so incredibly much and that love went much deeper seeing how much He loves me that He stopped what could have happened.

My goodness, His love amazes me.


Thanking God for what He has shown me!!

Happy Monday!



Sunday, June 27, 2010

Butterflies and Daisies

During the past couple of weeks, I haven't felt like God has been with me much. Maybe that wasn't anything on his part. I'm thinking it was more on mine. I became so busy, I just didn't have a lot of time to stop and give God some attention.

I missed him SOOOOOOOO much.

When I planted my yard and when talking to Elmer (who has furnished my whole garden), I told him about two things. I wanted butterflies and I wanted daisies.

A daisy is the most beautiful flower on this earth and it always seems as if it's smiling and happy. I just love them. I'd rather have a single daisy over a rose at any time.

Butterflies I just love and I compare myself to them. Emerging from a cocoon to something absolutely beautiful. A journey that I myself am taking.

All yesterday and last night I was extremely sick and lonely. I wept to God for awhile and we talked about so much. I was sad and told him I didn't feel him and I would just take faith that he was there. Last night when I was in so much pain with my stomach and my body, I heard him. It had been the first time I actually heard what I knew was Him in awhile.

I was so happy He was back. So happy He was with me.

I had a rough morning, getting my new meds, just hectic and crazy and I was sad. I was driving home from Walgreens and pulled up and I saw two things immediately. Two butterflies and daisies =)

God was with me. That was a gift to me. I cried and cried. My first daisy, my first butterflies........Same moment.

I couldn't be happier if someone handed me a thousand dollars.

Here are pics of my gifts today.

Thank God for butterflies and daisies.

I love him so much.


Saturday, June 26, 2010

Plenty of time for blogging

Since I'm under strict orders from the Dr.

I'm not one to sit. I'm not one to "rest", so this is proving very difficult for me.

When I sat playing video games at least I was doing something productive (in the game, like getting better gear or leveling). Watching TV to me doesn't seem productive. I wanna read, but my vision is blurry.

I am feeling very weak still and having some struggles breathing. Breathing hurts at points. I've never had pnemonia, so this is all new to me.

My dogs are glad I'm finally home. They keep taking my spot on the couch when I get up to do stuff.

Keep praying for me.



Friday, June 25, 2010


i hate being sick.

have double pnemonia.


pray for me =(

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


On a hot Wednesday! I'm in a lot better spirits than the other day. However, I'm still not allowing myself to be walked on.

Sometimes I just think.....what was I thinking?

Mondays bible study was on binding up and healing the broken hearted (God). It was a very good video and very good discussion and I got a lot of helpful insight about why I let people, men in particular, do those things.

I'm sooooooo glad I'm unlearning that behavior and I'm learning how things are done correctly, I'm not even the least bit attracted to anyone I dated. It was so confusing, but the reasons were given as to why we chose the ones we do.

They nailed that pattern on the head and almost everything applied to me. I wasted so much time and energy. I get mad at myself sometimes for doing that. To think of all the time I wasted kills me, but I can't dwell on it.

Mistakes are mistakes. I learned valuable lessons in the process and maybe that's what God intended. I wish I would've known all this stuff back when I was younger.

I can't make myself love anyone, I can't make myself like anyone, I can't fix anyone, I can't make people do the right thing, I can't change anyone, nor can I save anyone.

Just learning that took a ton of pressure off. For years I have tried to make myself like/love people and felt extreme guilt because I didn't.

I was thinking about a recent relationship and mulling it over with God, he said so clearly and loudly.......

"You can't possibly believe that this is what I intended for you"

Took a bit to sink in and realize......It's not what he intended for me.

And for once, it's OKAY =)

It's not something I deep within my heart wanted for myself anyways.

Okay, heading out the door.

Love you guys!!


Monday, June 21, 2010

Pull Ease Leaf Mia Lone

I don't have time for mindless games people play. Not even a little. I'm way too busy to be lost in thought all day trying to figure out why someone did this or that.

I'm tired of being a personal doormat for people. Before I chose to be there. Now. No.

As I grow up, I realize how certain people are still stuck in the high school games and just immature crap.

I fully see that hurting people in turn hurt others.

Guess what??????? If you choose to deliberately hurt me, make me jealous or just be mean.......You are going to find yourself not talking to me.

I said it a few times last night to a few different people. Leave me alone.

The red carpet I have laid out for so many people........Gone.

I can 't be anyone to the important people in my life, if I have to keep letting the emotional vampires in life suck the life all out of me.

So........ I'm not letting anyone. It's done.

If you want to hear from me and be in my life, then you will treat me with respect.

If you find yourself not hearing from me....stop playing pathetic games.

It's nice to know no one has control over me anymore in that aspect. If someone doesn't want to talk to me because I won't play their game.....Guess what???

I don't care! The end!

I only have to answer to God and no one else.

Fed up to my eyes with games and those who play them.


Happy Monday.



Thursday, June 17, 2010

It's Thursday!! YAY!!!

We are having our big family reunion this weekend and I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited =D!!! I can't wait to see all of my family!

Yesterday evening was fantastic! =)

This morning already has been fantastic!! I just got out of the shower. Mike emailed me and said he's working ALLLL day at the gym! So......I'm heading over to spend some time at the gym and visiting with him!!

Then I gotta clean moms and pool time and this evening =D YAY!!!

Tomorrow it's coffee day with my beautiful friends in Community Group!

Busy, busy, busy and sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo in love with life!!

Hope everyone has a fantastic Thursday!! =D

The sun is definitely shining!



Wednesday, June 16, 2010

It's Wednesday

This week has been a little like a roller coaster. Up, down, up, down.

Monday for the most part doooooowwwwwwwn aside from bible study. Tuesday for the most part uppppp. Today up and down lol!


Today I have had an issue I have been dealing with for awhile and I am trying to see what I'm supposed to be learning in it. Obviously I am NOT getting it. Round and round I go. Reminds me of the scene from National Lampoons European Vacation where Chevy Chase is going around Big Ben and he keeps repeating Big Ben.....Parliment over and over.

That's me and the situation. I am soooooooooooo worn out of this particular situation and the best way to describe it is consistently, inconsistent. It gets tiring. I am worn down.

Today it had been eating at me all morning and I was just annoyed at a little of everything and I took it to God.

I was just laying out a laundry list of reasons of what is going on, what's I feel....... I was angry, upset, tired, just completely bitter. I was saying this stuff aloud in the car and going on for about 4 minutes.

All the sudden I take it a different direction and I'm stopped mid sentence with a sudden realization of "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh"

I didn't even get to finish the sentence.

I got my answer loud and clear. Now I have to fix that and then deal with the issue I am so tired of.

When you do what you've always done, you get what you've always got.

Life is hard.

Happy Wednesday.

Be nice to people, you may not know what kind of day they have had. Peoples hearts and feelings get hurt just as easily as our own. Especially when they don't know what they even did wrong.

Much, much, Love <3


Saturday, June 12, 2010

Secrets shared with God =)

Some people don't understand when people come to know God. They can say they know God, but their actions speak otherwise. I thought I knew God. I was sooooo wrong.

When God takes a hold of you and you submit to him, your life changes. I have heard people and even referred to it myself as a cult. It seemed that way, because I didn't understand it. Until you are in there and "get it" it can seem like a lot of things that aren't true. I talk about it so much because I want everyone to experience what I am experiencing. It's life changing and the feelings you get inside and the things you see happen.
Totally unexplainable.

I have shared some of what God has done for me on here, other things I keep private. Sometimes things happen and my heart feels like it will explode. Sometimes I can't believe what mountain God has just moved for me.

I have one issue I have been giving to God and taking back for sometime. I can do NOTHING about this issue. I have heard people say you just can't sit back and wait for God to do it, you have to take a step somewhere. When God spoke to me about this issue, he told me to do nothing. He said "give it to me and do nothing"

I had no clue how it was going to work and it was hard to give it to him. I even told him, "I hear you saying to do nothing, but how is this going to work?"

Well..........After a week of taking it out of my head completely, submitting it to him and doing "nothing" the issue is almost fully resolved.

Got a teensy bit more to go, but he's working on it.

After I got the news, I started crying, sobbing if you will....I couldn't believe it!! Maybe someday I'll share some of the things God has done for me and there is no logical explaination of how they happened.

Once those things happen, it's hard not to become like "them" so to speak. If people had more faith and turned more over to God. Your life changes and you will want to be in the family.

Try it. You will see. Start with something small, give it to Him. You won't be disappointed.

I love my God =D

This morning I was being a pouty baby about an issue and God dealt with me on it. I wanted to do what I wanted to do and nope. God wouldn't let me. I was pretty mad because I didn't want to do what he asked of me. I wanted to do it my way. I heard "That is not how a child of God acts" I knew that already, but I didn't want to do the "right" thing. I did and well, I'm still irritated about it, but I was obedient.

I hear thoughts that come and go, some are mine, some are the Holy Spirit and God, some are satans. You eventually learn how to figure them out and Gods always align with scripture. Through learning him, I am learning quicker at which voice is his. The more time I spend with him, the easier it is for me.

So, after I did the right thing this morning God talked to me about doing unto others and I would have them do to me. He said "Games are met with more games. Jealousy met with more jealousy" Then I heard the "How would it make you feel if it was done to you?"

Always right. But sometimes doing the right thing is hard.

He's a wonderful teacher. I absolutely adore and love Him with everything in me.

My heart feels so full and so happy. I just can't believe what He has done for me today.

He loves me =)

I love Him =)


Happy Saturday!



Wednesday, June 09, 2010

My slow yard

My yard is a lot like me, sans the fleas and ants. It grows very slowly!!

Elmer has sent me a lot of plants and seeds this year and for someone with a black thumb............They have actually been growing!

God surely has blessed me in this area, because my houseplant record is awful. My aunt Sandy kept a plant alive since my grandma died and a year with me it went to that big peat moss pile in the sky!

Last year Elmer sent me some orange lily bulbs. They didn't grow back this year and because my yard is a slow, slow one I'm still holding out hope. They will be out of season next week, but I still have faith!!

My azalea bush I didn't know I had bloomed almost 2 months later than everyone elses.

My yard fits me so well. Things grow in Gods time, not the time on the calendar. I'm doing the same. Slowly, but growing.

I could not get dressed and run out the door quick enough to take photos today of what I woke up too!

My first flower box flower, grown from a tiny little seed and my hibiscus which Elmer sent as a plant a couple months ago and it has really, really grown!!


I am happier than you know =D

Happy Wed Nes Day



Tuesday, June 08, 2010


I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I can not tell you how many times I have apologized to people for who I am.

I can not tell you how many times I tried to change and morph into someone I was not to make myself loveable. I have not been myself in any relationship I have ever had.

I'm afraid of letting anyone know me, because I'm afraid they won't like me. Why should they? No one else did. That's not how I am thinking, but this is what my inner voice has said.

When you have someone on your case for everything you do, it reaffirms the bad feelings about yourself that you have. That's wrong. When someone goes to the very core of who you are and uses something personal you have shared with them against you, it cuts deep into your soul.

This person or that person said they would NEVER hurt me, but that promise is null and void if they are in a bad mood or just feel like being mean.

So, I let myself be defined by the hurt. The labels I talked about yesterday.

God is dealing with me by trying to remove those. I get so close and then fall back down. But the good part is, he will never ever give up on me. He's there for the long haul. When I want to give up on myself, he's not going to let me.

Lately old situations I found myself in will crop up and step by step God uses those memories to see the truth in them. Not my truth, HIS truth.

Bible study was on this last night and I didn't understand it. I got to thinking about some of the instances that God has been walking me through lately and it's a prime example of it. He has been doing it, but explained on paper I didn't understand. But thinking back, I do.

Let me explain with an example I just overcame.....well temporarily because I'm sure it will crop back up.

Someone told me that I can do nothing by myself and that I have to have someone do everything for me.

What I heard in that (my truth) you are lazy, you are stupid, you know how to do nothing, you are worthless. That is my truth as to what they were saying.

Bible study talked about throwing that in with Satans lies which above what I heard........satans lies are all over that.

God's truth about me.......He loves me JUST the way I am. He knows me better than myself. I can do ALL things in Christ who strengthens me. ALL THINGS.Philippians 4:13 John 15:16-19 You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that you should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remin; that whatsoever you shall ask of the Father in My name, He may give it you. He chose me =) I am a child of God!

The person who told me that was right in some sense. I don't have to have someone do everything for me, but I have to someone there with me helping me. Guiding me. Teaching me.

Teaching me with love, not condemnation.

Satan is a famous liar and God is truth........Why is it so hard sometimes to believe what God has said about me?

It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Not impossible thought ...........why? LOL Because with God all things are possible =D

That's the truth.

I can't wait to share with you here the ways I grow. I have bad days, I slip up.......Everyone does.

God is taking me somewhere. He knows exactly how my story begins and ends. He knows the middle. I can sit and fight him all day and just prolong the time til I get to my happy ending.........Or, I can just take steps and faith and go on to knowing him and through him knowing myself. He knows what to do to get me out of this mess. He knows it all, so why is it so hard to let him take over?

Heading out for the day and reminding myself......

I am who HE says I am.

Loved. Forgiven. His child.

Tell myself that hourly if I have to!

Happy Tuesday



Monday, June 07, 2010

Good Monday Morning!

Haven't been updating much as of late. Just haven't been home.

So much has happened over the past week and a half or so since I have written, I'm not sure even where to start.

I'll start with God =)

I love him. He is teaching me so much lately and making me deal with things I haven't dealt with ever. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy. Dealing with things you swept under the rug for years and taking the rug off.....lets face it, it's hard.

What I'm learning though, is that by uncovering stuff I never dealt with is that it's empowering. Taking the first step forward is scary, but I know that God is with me as I take them. Sometimes when I'm thinking of something sad or scary I'll simply say "God are you with me?" "I am" he says. ALWAYS. I have never NOT heard him say nothing.

I'm at a place in life I could've never of imagined. Stuff had power and control over me because I lived on my emotions. Slowly I am learning to not live by emotions, but to live the way God wants me to live.

I am growing so much as a person, sometimes I can't believe it's really me. Satan bugged the fire out of me at first, saying all the things the men and sometimes women have said about me in hurtful ways. It would take me back down and God would build me back up. I had to keep reminding myself that He who is in me, is greater than he who is in the world. John 4:4 Say it, write it, rinse, repeat. God is bigger than all that. I say over and over I am not who they say I am. I am who HE says I am.

I am loved. I am forgiven. The labels others have stuck on me are being removed. Reading Gods word, knowing the truth from him is very empowering.

I was weak, but I'm not anymore. I did need someone to do everything for me, but I don't anymore. I felt like I was nothing, but I'm not anymore. I can do all things.......ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

A lot of men, well every man who has been in my life has taken advantage of the fact that I was weak in a lot of areas. They would push me down and say things to me to push me further down and give them the upper hand. Every relationship I have been in with a man up until this point has been like a tennis game. Seems like the ball went back and forth, back and forth. Sometimes the ball was in their court, rarely it was in mine. When it got in mine, they made sure to get it back to theirs, til eventually they held the ball all the time and I had nothing.

I realize that in normal, healthy relationships there is no ball going back and forth. If he has the ball, he brings the ball to me and if I have the ball I give the ball to him.

I never knew what love was, til I knew what love was NOT.

I know now. God is love. Live your life trying to emulate Gods love to others. Give love, receive love. Not any of the false love. Not any of the mind games.

Truly love someone and don't for a second think you aren't worthy of love. If you think you have to play some game with someone to get their love, it isn't love.

Love is NOT a game. Love is a beautiful thing when done right, done freely, done without expectation.

Unconditional love.

God has the power to make us love Him. He could force every single one of us to love Him. He doesn't why?

Because when someone chooses to love you, just for who you are, the feeling is incredible.

He gives us the choice to love Him.

I felt bad because I ignored him for so many years. Only running to him when I wanted something. I still drift away from Him somedays.

I catch myself drifting and go running back, quickly I might add, to the one who will never stop loving me.

I served Him the ball and He served it back.

Willingly he served it back, even if I tried to keep the ball, he wouldn't stop sending more. He'd not only give me one ball, He would give me so many balls I could fill the earth with them.

That's what's so amazing about Him. I don't deserve all those balls, but He gives them to me anyway.

I could sit here all day and tell you how much I love Him. How much I don't deserve His love.

That's the gospel......... He gives it to me anyways. Love. True Love.

HE LOVES ME. I don't deserve it. None of us do, but He gives it to us anyways. He loves us that much.

I absolutely, without a doubt, love my God with all my heart and all my soul.

He is the reason I wake up and breathe every morning. He is the reason my children wake up and breathe every morning. He is the reason the sun rises and sets. He is the reason the stars hang in the heavens.

He IS and I love him.

Pass it on!

Happy Monday