Tuesday, June 08, 2010


I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I can not tell you how many times I have apologized to people for who I am.

I can not tell you how many times I tried to change and morph into someone I was not to make myself loveable. I have not been myself in any relationship I have ever had.

I'm afraid of letting anyone know me, because I'm afraid they won't like me. Why should they? No one else did. That's not how I am thinking, but this is what my inner voice has said.

When you have someone on your case for everything you do, it reaffirms the bad feelings about yourself that you have. That's wrong. When someone goes to the very core of who you are and uses something personal you have shared with them against you, it cuts deep into your soul.

This person or that person said they would NEVER hurt me, but that promise is null and void if they are in a bad mood or just feel like being mean.

So, I let myself be defined by the hurt. The labels I talked about yesterday.

God is dealing with me by trying to remove those. I get so close and then fall back down. But the good part is, he will never ever give up on me. He's there for the long haul. When I want to give up on myself, he's not going to let me.

Lately old situations I found myself in will crop up and step by step God uses those memories to see the truth in them. Not my truth, HIS truth.

Bible study was on this last night and I didn't understand it. I got to thinking about some of the instances that God has been walking me through lately and it's a prime example of it. He has been doing it, but explained on paper I didn't understand. But thinking back, I do.

Let me explain with an example I just overcame.....well temporarily because I'm sure it will crop back up.

Someone told me that I can do nothing by myself and that I have to have someone do everything for me.

What I heard in that (my truth) you are lazy, you are stupid, you know how to do nothing, you are worthless. That is my truth as to what they were saying.

Bible study talked about throwing that in with Satans lies which above what I heard........satans lies are all over that.

God's truth about me.......He loves me JUST the way I am. He knows me better than myself. I can do ALL things in Christ who strengthens me. ALL THINGS.Philippians 4:13 John 15:16-19 You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that you should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remin; that whatsoever you shall ask of the Father in My name, He may give it you. He chose me =) I am a child of God!

The person who told me that was right in some sense. I don't have to have someone do everything for me, but I have to someone there with me helping me. Guiding me. Teaching me.

Teaching me with love, not condemnation.

Satan is a famous liar and God is truth........Why is it so hard sometimes to believe what God has said about me?

It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Not impossible thought ...........why? LOL Because with God all things are possible =D

That's the truth.

I can't wait to share with you here the ways I grow. I have bad days, I slip up.......Everyone does.

God is taking me somewhere. He knows exactly how my story begins and ends. He knows the middle. I can sit and fight him all day and just prolong the time til I get to my happy ending.........Or, I can just take steps and faith and go on to knowing him and through him knowing myself. He knows what to do to get me out of this mess. He knows it all, so why is it so hard to let him take over?

Heading out for the day and reminding myself......

I am who HE says I am.

Loved. Forgiven. His child.

Tell myself that hourly if I have to!

Happy Tuesday



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