Friday, May 18, 2012

I need to cry

In the worst way, but I cannot. Trying to find things to make me cry and nothing works. I'm just pissed, frustrated, pissed, frustrated.

I just want to freaking cry and cannot.




Friday, May 11, 2012


mis·er·y (mz-r)
n. pl. mis·er·ies
a. The state of suffering and want as a result of physical circumstances or extreme poverty.
b. Mental or emotional unhappiness or distress: "Our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not on our circumstances" (Martha Washington).
2. A cause or source of suffering.
3. Informal A physical ache or ailment.

That's me. You can cut out misery and paste my name right there. I go on every day pretending that I am happy and trying to put up a front, but I'm am so f'in miserable inside it is pathetic.

I can't shake it like I normally do and to add insult to injury I cannot freaking cry. I have to resort to watching severely sad movies to cry.

I do not like my life. I love my kids, my family and my sweet grandbaby. That's it. My heart inside feels so awful. I'm physically sick over how bad I feel. How sad.

I have tried to pray this week and it doesn't come. I love God, but I just can't get past this funk. It gets worse and worse and worse.

Admitting to myself that I made a huge mistake is hard and reality creeps in...slowly.

Seeing it in writing doesn't make it any easier to bear. I made a HUGE mistake.

I took a risk and it slapped me in my face sooooooooooooooo hard that good grief. I hate saying how wrong I was. I hate having to accept how wrong I was. I sit here suffering because I was wrong. I didn't think of myself as prideful, but I am. I can't wait til I fully accept this and just move on.

I can't even open up here.

I'm just miserable.


I don't know what to do =(



Thursday, May 03, 2012


This is my new, sweet, precious grandbaby =) I LOVE him =)

Sitting here waiting on the bug man and had some free time, so I decided to show off my first grandchild!

I had mixed feelings through out the pregnancy and wasn't sure how I would feel once I saw him. All I could feel is absolute love. He's so precious and new. Not yet broken by the world and ugly people.


God is so good. So good. Giving me patience to deal wtih prideful people, giving me a beautiful grandson. Giving me the ability to forgive as He forgives me.

Baby comes home and I can't wait!!!

God is soooooooooooo good!!