Tuesday, December 18, 2012

What a month this has been

I'm glad I had so much Christmas cheer in November because wow, what a strange sad month this has been.

After the killings in Connecticut, I have been searching everywhere for answers as to why this happened.

I read comments from people about God and why did God let this happen and where was God.

This offends me and I asked why certainly, but I have never wavered from the belief that God is good.

Isaiah 55:8-9

New International Version (NIV)

8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I forget so often what I learned in redemption group that God writes our life stories, we do not write our own.

It's His story, not ours. We were created for Him.

I have listened to quite a few sermons over the past few days and they all help reassure that God has a plan.

Isaiah 45:9

What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, 'Stop, you're doing it wrong!' Does the pot exclaim, 'How clumsy can you be?'

He knows what He is doing.

I listened to a sermon earlier about the real Christmas story. How Jesus was born into a dark world. He didn't arrive in a fancy kingdom of gold. He was born in a barn, with cows, sheep and mules. His bed was hay.

Herod was jealous because he heard the new king was born and had all the infant boys slaughtered.

Jesus is our light in this dark world.

Christmas is about him. It's not about money or having gifts to open, he was the best gift ever to be given.

Forgiven, the bridge that connects us to God. No more sacrifices, no more offerings....Just pure forgiveness that so many find so hard to believe.

Through Christ. He is the doorway.

I love God more now than ever and trust that He has a plan and has already walked this road before us. He knows where we are headed and has made our paths straight.

Merry Christmas.



Saturday, December 08, 2012

A Divine Intervention

A divine intervention for a very lonely sad girl today.


God knows most what I need, when I need it.

I have had an awful day and I am completely alone. There's no one for me to talk to. tears have flowed, pain has surfaced largely in my broken heart.

The pain my heart feels right now, I can't even express. I hurt deeply, I needed someone. No one was to be found. Just me.

I was getting out of the shower and had my phone next to the tub. I had no touched it in over 20 minutes. Nothing was laying against it, nothing touching it.

I hear music and at first I think it's coming from outside and then realize, it's coming from my phone.

I pick it up and hear Aerosmith I don't want to miss a thing and I go to my room to lay down and I feel Bretts presence like he was with me in the room and then the song he played specifically for me at his funeral came on.

I didn't touch it, I didn't play it, I didn't even move my ipod.

It's this song

He was letting me know he was here with me. There's no other explaining how that happened.

He knew I was alone and how bad my heart hurt.

God, I wish he was still here. I miss him so much. He was my best friend. The song says it all, he's watching over me.

Very nice because he knew how much I really needed someone today. Still in awe and wonder how that happened.

I love him.



Thursday, December 06, 2012

Fork in the Road

When you are standing at a crossroads in your life, how do you choose the direction your life takes?

Living in a world 30% of the time that isn't real, my escape.

My dreams are down one path, uncertainty down the other.

Adventure sometimes wants to choose the uncertainty and hang on by the seat of my pants.

Reality sets in and I sometimes want to take the other road where things are real.

Things are touchable, things are seen.

Some of my dreams have already gone down the toilet leaving me with a certain amount of resentment. I should put that anger on myself because I believed in empty promises.

Life seems as if it's a series of empty promises. Snow on Monday, Storms on Saturday.....Sunshine maybe on Tuesday. No certainty........Just a promise of snow that usually doesn't happen.

I wish I could hire someone out to direct my life. I'm supposed to let God be in control of that and all I come up with is confusion and God speaks to my heart and He says "If you are confused, child it's not My answer."

Maybe it's not His answer, maybe it's just the smallest part of hope in my heart that wants to believe.

Time passes, I still am, where I am. You know watching the Titanic, one line always sticks with me. Where the older Rose picks up the mirror that the men collected from the bottom of the ocean. She looks in it and says "This was mine. How extraordinary! And it looks the same as it did last time I saw it... The reflection's changed a bit."

That's how I feel. Every year I look in that mirror, the reflection changes, but nothing else does.

Ramblings that really mean nothing.

Jibbey Jobbey as my aunt calls it.

Jibbey, Jobbey.



Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Expecting Too Much

The title says it all. My therapist and I had a long discussion about how I expect too much from people in my life. They can't deliver therefore it sets me up to be disappointed.

I thought about this a lot over the past week, it was put to the test over the past few days and he is very correct.

I'm sad in some ways, relieved in others.

I didn't realize how much I expected of others, they simply cannot be something they aren't.

This isn't casting a negative light on any of them, it's just opening eyes on my part.

My view of things are sometimes so distorted.

People cannot be, what they are not.

I was sad last night and want so badly out of the messes I am in. I cry out a lot for God to just take me, but He won't. He's gonna make me go through this big jumbled up mess I am because He knows I can.

Wish it didn't take so long.

I'm tired, but I am learning quite a bit.

I expected too much.

Pressures off.



Wednesday, November 28, 2012

My Mind

Yesterday I went to the Dr. Sinus infection, possible strep, congested lungs......I didn't feel good then, I didn't feel good today.

I'm tired and I slept til noon and even had a hard time getting out of bed then. My throat feels like I swallowed razor blades and my mind won't let me sit...

A typical day in my mind and the actions that follow.......

Oh crap I slept late, I have to take my ulcer medicine 1 hour before I eat, 4 hours before my iron, 2 hours before my antibiotics.........I need to write this crap down.

I have a headache, did I take Tylenol when taking my arsenal of meds?

Crap, my head still hurts did I take it? Crap. Crap. Crap.

Savannah's coming over tonight I need to change her sheets and clean her room.

God my throat hurts.

If I don't get this laundry done, it will pile up and there's no where to put it.

Crap, did I put the wrong things in the recycle bin, it's cold out, I need to go check the recycle bin.

It's Wednesday, did I remember to put the trash out last night?

I need to go in the living room and look at the floor for things Opie can trip over and things Troy can put in his mouth.

Crap, I hope I picked everything up.

Damn, dogs need to go out. Okay.......You forgot to close the dryer door, hurry and get the dogs out and finish.....

Frick Opie fell down the stairs, I knew I shouldn't of been rushing the dogs.

Is he okay? Will he be okay? Crap.

Crap, I forgot to turn the washer on when I closed the dryer door.

I want a smoothie, but that means I'll have to wash the dishes. Well, maybe I can leave the dishes just this once.

This smoothie is helping me throat, but I can't sit here and enjoy it because I left the blender in my sink.

Ugh, that blender is in my sink and I'm about to cry because I don't want to wash it.

Phew I feel better now that the blender is washed, but now my smoothie has melted and needs to go in the freezer.

Crap, the dogs are out of food and water again, I need to fill their bowl .

My throat hurts, I wonder if I took Tylenol already?

Okay, dogs are fed, what was I doing?

Oh yea the Christmas tree needs to be watered.

Crap, I never put my smoothie in the freezer.


I need to dust Savannahs room so her allergies don't act up.

Can someone help me rearrange Savannahs room because I can't lift this stuff?

Okay let me do it my self.

Crap, my back hurts. Did I take tylenol?

It's time to eat, I need to count my points and take my iron, but wait........I can't take it with my antibiotics and I have to wait 2 hours before and after.......Screw it, I'm taking it anyways.

I'm taking Tylenol too, if I'm gonna die from taking iron and antibiotics might as well take the Tylenol and go down with a sore throat.

Did I eat lunch?

My mouth still tastes like smoothie, so maybe I didn't eat.

Did I feed the dogs?




I need a shower.


My mind wears me out.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012


This is a video going around Facebook and I tell you what, it made me bawl like a baby.

My heart filled up with an absolute love for my Savior. I can't even put into words how much I love Jesus.

I love the fact that I now understand what Christmas carols mean, it brings tears to my eyes to think of Jesus coming to this earth.

I love Christmas.

I love Jesus.

I love God.



Thursday, November 22, 2012

I am thankful for God

I am thankful so much to God. No matter how badly I behave, He gives me gifts all the time.

I am blown away at times at His kindness towards me, no matter how badly I behave. I am far off my path from where I was in my walk with Him, but He never ceases to amaze me with His amazing love for me.

I am so very thankful that He chose me, I am very thankful that He had endless amounts of love for me and shows me grace that goes above and beyond what I could ever ask for.

I'm thankful for everything in my life, but none of that would be possible without Him.

Gives me strength I never knew I had, leads me in the right way, nudges me to look deeper into myself and see my worth.

Shows me I deserve everything and it is attainable through Him.

He makes my heart full, He makes my mouth smile..........

He is awesome.

He is my Father.

Have a great Thanksgiving.



Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Well, it's been awhile

My friend Melzie made the kindest post on my wall about missing my blogs and has been giving me a gentle nudge to post.

I have sat down a few times to post, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm trying today and on a day when my heart is so broken all I can write is .....

Love rejoices with the truth.

She'd trade Colorado if he'd take her with him
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
She's answered by the tail lights
Shining through the window pane

He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better

Can I call you then

She said you're ramblin' man
You ain't ever gonna change
You gotta gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'

Happy Thanksgiving.



Thursday, July 19, 2012

Monday, July 16, 2012

Tornadoes and Rainbows

Last night my dream was so vivid. It was storming outside and I was in my old house on Tallow Lane.

Tornadoes were coming all around me. I wasn't scared, but I wanted to take pictures. I ran outside with my camera and I slipped and fell in a huge mud puddle. I was trying to get up without getting mud on my camera.

I look through the lens and I see two tornadoes swirling about. I remember feeling apprehensive, but not scared.

All the sudde two huge rainbows appear and dominate the two tornadoes. I took hundreds and hundreds of pics and I couldn't get enough of the beauty of the rainbows. Breathtaking beauty in the midst of a storm.

When I woke up, I smiled because rainbows are God's promises. I saw two.... Backs up with scripture.

For your shame ye shall have double; and for confusion they shall rejoice in their portion: therefore in their land they shall possess the double: everlasting joy shall be unto them. Isaiah 61:7 KJV

I have been going through quite a storm lately and I am ready to receive my blessings.

Trying so hard to surround myself with positive people. Even at the cost of losing people who claimed to be my friend because I was trying to change my life.

Trying to look for the positives in the people in my life.

I am so ready for my blessings, so ready to receive good that is coming my way.

God rocks =D



Saturday, July 14, 2012

It's Saturday the 14th

Mel, my more interesting life comes from getting a couple of paid wedding photography gigs and that aspect of my life is opening up a whole lot.

I'm excited and scared.

Need more practice as with anything.

It's Saturday.

Yee haw



Thursday, July 12, 2012

My life

is about to get more interesting I think =)




Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I can

do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phillipians 4:13

I faked it, til I felt it.

I can't tell you when I'm at the gym, wondering what am I doing there, how many times I say this.

Today, when my legs felt like they could push no more and I wanted to quit. I tell God, "I can't do this"

I hear His voice in my head "Don't you dare quit, say it again."

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me

I have struggled for awhile to find the positive side to my recent illness. Slowly, it's coming to light. I really am nothing and can do nothing without Christ.

I thought about that a lot when I was sick and laying in bed... how come I am a believer stuck in this bed and there are tons of bad people out there who don't believe and can at least work and get out of bed.

Like a bad record playing over and over again.

I'm not really sure that I have fully figured it out, but I know for myself that God needed to remind me that I am nothing without Him.

I watched a show yesterday and she talked about how God works through others to bless each of us. I am so blessed.

I may not have the biggest house in the world or have the fanciest of things, but I'm not unhappy. I am really blessed. I think about the hottest days we have ever had here and think how lucky I am because I got to sit in an air conditioned house.

That crosses my mind a lot lately. I have 2 pairs of shoes and in many parts of the world, they don't even have one.

I am very thankful for everything I have. I am very thankful for everything I am given and the people who give it to me.

I go without nothing. God truly takes care of me.

I get this Christian thing wrong a lot, but I am so in love with Jesus.

I talk to him every single night. He waits for me under our tree.

My heart just fills with love and flutters at the very thought of him.

Speaking of things I don't have to go without, I never have to go without him.

I can't relate to God on the scale that I can Jesus. I love God very much and think of Him as my father. I guess that's why He sent Jesus, to relate to us.

I am growing so much, I am learning I don't have to be a doormat, I'm learning that I don't have to be around people and things that make me uncomfortable.

I am learning to say no. I'm learning I can live without the things and people I never thought I could.

I guess I'm growing up.

It's late, I need to sleep. Was up pondering Jesus and how broken I am and how much he loves me anyway.

And how much I deeply love him.





Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Gym Time

I am slowly easing my way back into the gym. Yesterday I was able to do spin class again, the first time after almost a year.

I was beaming with happiness.

This morning I went back and was able to go 50 calories and 5 minutes further than yesterday.

It's frustrating to not be able to do the things I used to, but in the same aspect, I appreciate the fact that I am just able to do something.

Going from being able to do nothing when I was sick, to just working out....It's amazing.

If I come to a point where I don't think I can do anymore, I just remember that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I do it in His strength, not my own.

I can't wait til I can go all out. I can't wait to see my clothes getting bigger.

I can't wait to go and buy me new work out shoes.

Hope, that lies within Christ.

Hope, where I had none.

I look back and think about how hopeless I was....So sad.

I hope I never get to that point again.

Heading to the pool for the day =D

God is good.



Thursday, June 21, 2012

YAY Summer

Really enjoying my summer. I can't remember the last time I was so happy. I'm out of the house all day, in the pool almost every day.

It's nice. I'm around people I love and people that are fun =)

Have been thinking lately about things I want and things I want to do with my life. God has put some dreams on my heart and pushing me a little bit to go after them.

I can't have the dreams I want, where I'm at right now.

I know wonderful things are on the other side of change, but I don't change much.

One thing God is doing is revealing what liars some people in my life are. I was so blind to that before, and He really has shown me. I wasn't shocked, just blind to it.

Now I laugh at the lies they tell.

I don't need/want people like that in my life.

I deserve so much better than I allow myself to have. I'm smart, I'm beautiful, funny, creative and have a really good heart.

I heard the other day someone who is supposed to love me called me a bitch. Of course not to my face. It would take courage to do that. Of course they get sympathy for everyone thinking they have to put up with such a tyrant.

I processed this for a few minutes and people only say that who don't know me. I think about the frustration in my life, think of the lies and garbage and being shoved behind everyone else. I think of the way I'm not appreciated for who I am and I think anyone, who puts up with what I do and doesn't kick a few of these people to the curb....isn't a bitch. She's a frustrated woman who's filled with anger and hurt. She couldn't be a bitch if all these people are still in her life.

One step closer today.

I'm worth it.



Sunday, June 10, 2012

The Prodigal Daughter Returned

I went to bed fairly late and woke up early. I'm not sure what came over me, but for the first time since September, I wanted to go to church.

I sat there coming up w/ a million reasons that I could not go and every reason that came up, I was one step closer to going. I found myself in the shower, getting ready, clothes on, out the door and driving. Even on the way I had a million reasons I shouldn't go, but I ended up there.

I honestly don't know how I got there or what possessed me to go, but I was sure God wanted me to take something away from what He was trying to say. There was a message I needed.

The sermon today was on Joseph and what his family had done to him and how God took what others meant for harm and used it for good.

As I fidgeted and listened, I was trying to process what all this had to do with me. Daniel spoke of abuse, emotional problems, financial problems and how you can help people through your bad experiences and how it is used to grow you and mature you.

I mulled it all over and it's starting to come out. I have been abused, almost my whole entire life one way or another. Daniel said that he isn't sure why people suffer, but it does bring people closer to God.

I notice that when I am happy and care-free, I don't pay much attention to God, but if my heart is broken, I cry out for Him over and over.

On the last part of the sermon Daniel spoke about unforgiveness. He actually dug out the scripture I have studied this week. Romans 12:17, Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.

*This* is where I am having my biggest struggle. Daniel hit it right on the head, I am playing God. I used to be so passive and let everyone get away with everything. I have taken a stance that God isn't doing anything at all to these people who hurt me, so I will treat them exactly like they have treated me. I have held back no punches either. I have said things that I don't like myself for, I have lied to someone who has continuosly lied to me. I played head games with people who play them with me. With a lot of people in the past month I have done this.

I got so tired of everyone getting away with how they treat others (me) and they always have a happy care free life and always get good things.

This is a huge struggle with me, because I don't know if I can not do it. I'm so sick of some people that are in my life that it's hard to even talk to them. I have ended ties this week with some people who drain me emotionally. I apologized for the way I acted, but I had to bow out.

I Just don't know how to overcome this struggle. I don't like being mean, but I feel that they deserve it. I'm just tired and I guess the real answer is the one God has been giving me all along. The one I don't listen to, the one I ignore.

The one I pray about and just pretend I didn't hear the answer.

I really did need to hear that this morning. I need to work on my forgiveness and stop repaying evil for evil. It has gotten me nowhere.



Wednesday, June 06, 2012

For the first time, in a long time

I'm happy =)

I casted my cares and they were erased.

I could not have received a better gift ever.

Joy in my heart, excitement in my life.

Love for God.

Love for really good friends.

Jesus under our tree.

Losing weight.

Did I mention my cares were erased???

My chains are broken and I am set free.

Psalm 107: 14-15 . “He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, And broke their chains in pieces. Oh, that men would give thanks to the LORD for His goodness, And for His wonderful works to the children of men!”

My chains are broken and I am set free.

My chains are broken and I am set free.

My chains are broken and I am set free.

My chains are broken and I am set free.

Thank you GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


In case you didn't hear............My chains are broken and I am set free.



Sunday, June 03, 2012

My Shoes

My mom has a thing for other peoples shoes. I thought it was weird til recently.

I have my magenta addidas running shoes. I absolutely love these shoes. I remember the day I got them, I remember falling in love with them.

I was walking the other day, my shoes are worn out. They are looking dirty, the heels are wearing out and the shock absorber in them is shot. I thought briefly about getting new shoes, but I don't know that I can.

I think about those shoes in terms of who I used to be. When I got those shoes, I was someone that I liked. They walked the floor of the job I loved, the pedaled the bike of the spin class I love, I lost lots of weight in those shoes.

They seem to be the only constant thing that attaches me to a past that I miss.

Is this how people start hoarding?

I accomplished so much in those shoes.

I feel like if I get rid of them and bury them in a closet somewhere that I will forget that for a short time I was someone that I loved.

Kyle used to always be insecure over Vick. Our marriage had many fights over Vick. I always missed the days I was with Vick, but I didn't miss Vick at all. I missed who *I* was, when I was with him. I was young, extemely thin, beautiful.

Vick was like the shoes. By letting him go, I was letting go of a past where I liked myself.

Tears actually come to my eyes as I think of my shoes. When I think of who I was in them. Somehow feeling I am letting them down, that they only get to meet the floor of the supermarket or the hot pavement.

500 spin classes are probably in those shoes. Every day, sometimes twice a day for a year. Hundreds of miles on the AMT trainers in those shoes. Sit ups, strength training. Everything in those shoes.

At least I have more hope than ever now that I will get back there. Giving myself a lot of slack for getting sick and gaining some weight.

Mulling over the new shoes and thinking maybe I should just go ahead and get the shoes because it is a new start.

My walks with God lately are awesome. He gives me strength and power I never knew I had.

I love Him.

Nite, nite bloggety bloggers


Friday, May 18, 2012

I need to cry

In the worst way, but I cannot. Trying to find things to make me cry and nothing works. I'm just pissed, frustrated, pissed, frustrated.

I just want to freaking cry and cannot.




Friday, May 11, 2012


mis·er·y (mz-r)
n. pl. mis·er·ies
a. The state of suffering and want as a result of physical circumstances or extreme poverty.
b. Mental or emotional unhappiness or distress: "Our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not on our circumstances" (Martha Washington).
2. A cause or source of suffering.
3. Informal A physical ache or ailment.

That's me. You can cut out misery and paste my name right there. I go on every day pretending that I am happy and trying to put up a front, but I'm am so f'in miserable inside it is pathetic.

I can't shake it like I normally do and to add insult to injury I cannot freaking cry. I have to resort to watching severely sad movies to cry.

I do not like my life. I love my kids, my family and my sweet grandbaby. That's it. My heart inside feels so awful. I'm physically sick over how bad I feel. How sad.

I have tried to pray this week and it doesn't come. I love God, but I just can't get past this funk. It gets worse and worse and worse.

Admitting to myself that I made a huge mistake is hard and reality creeps in...slowly.

Seeing it in writing doesn't make it any easier to bear. I made a HUGE mistake.

I took a risk and it slapped me in my face sooooooooooooooo hard that good grief. I hate saying how wrong I was. I hate having to accept how wrong I was. I sit here suffering because I was wrong. I didn't think of myself as prideful, but I am. I can't wait til I fully accept this and just move on.

I can't even open up here.

I'm just miserable.


I don't know what to do =(



Thursday, May 03, 2012


This is my new, sweet, precious grandbaby =) I LOVE him =)

Sitting here waiting on the bug man and had some free time, so I decided to show off my first grandchild!

I had mixed feelings through out the pregnancy and wasn't sure how I would feel once I saw him. All I could feel is absolute love. He's so precious and new. Not yet broken by the world and ugly people.


God is so good. So good. Giving me patience to deal wtih prideful people, giving me a beautiful grandson. Giving me the ability to forgive as He forgives me.

Baby comes home and I can't wait!!!

God is soooooooooooo good!!



Saturday, April 21, 2012

I danced today

Not sure what happened over the past few days, but I had a lot of joy in my heart and today dizzy or not I danced.

I felt God's presence so much lately and that tells me, maybe, just maybe I'm doing something right.

I am really enjoying therapy at the Center. The therapist is helping me take things apart. I always look at the big picture of everything and I get frustrated. So, she has me taking things apart into a smaller step. Setting small goals that eventually lead up to the much bigger picture.

We talked about things I like, things I don't like. I really don't know what I like, but she said my face lit up when I talked of photography. I do, do, DO Love it. So, I told her I had no money to start up a business and my camera works half of the time and the buttons stick. Just all negative and she told me the first thing I can do is pick out the camera I want. Start there, that goal. I've met it. Then she told me to save a little each week til I have enough to buy the camera I want. While I am saving, study online about how to use the camera, different techniques. What lenses I want etc.

Elmer told me he picked out the exact camera that I picked out to buy me for my birthday. I am shocked, beyond shocked at that. I'm not sure how to act with someone being that generous. Overwhelmed I think is the word.

So......Why on earth didn't I think about this stuff before. About setting small goals. I mean, I can do that with anything.

It's something I am good at. It's something I enjoy.

I had a dream the other night and wow............talk about getting "it".

I dreamed that I was in serious trouble. I mean someone was coming to kill me. I was in china or somewhere. This guy would take a sword and would cut me to torture me and I could feel it in my dream. He told me he had planned to kill me, but they were going to do it very slowly.

I remember how scared I was. Beyond terrified.

There was this guy in the dream, he was the big head honcho king and he loved me. He was oriental and the way he would look at me, overwhelming feelings of loved poured through my body.

I had no doubts what so ever that this man loved me. He told me he had to make sure he planned a route out for me and had to go work on it, but help would soon be back. He sent his brother there to barter with the guy. His life for mine. I didn't want to leave because I didn't think it was fair that this guy would just die for me or that the king loved me so much that he would let his own brother die for me.

I ran away crying and crying because I was so sad his brother had to die. I was running in the woods along these paths and came to these stairs. There were bathtubs on each turn to the next floor and each one had an oriental man in them taking a bath. I climbed up all these stairs and went running out the door. The king was there in an icecream truck waiting for me.

I said "You came back for me" and he said " I made the way safe for you, lets go."

I woke up at that moment and told Elmer about the dream. It was so weird. Especially the feelings of love I got.

I hung up w/ Elmer and laid there thinking about the dream. Who would love me so much that they would let their brother die for me? Who could ever love someone that much.

Then I realized.........My Papa. God. Not His brother. His son. He would let him die because He loves me that much.

I got the Gospel in Chinese.

I felt loved. I'm thankful for that dream because I needed a reminder. I needed to feel it. I needed to see it and live it, in terms I can relate to.

He loves me that much.

I love Him too =)

Crying now as I think about God and how much I love Him.

I'm not so far gone out of the loop that I can't appreciate all the good around me.

I love Him.



Monday, April 16, 2012

Answered Prayers

I have been thinking all morning about prayers. How for a long, long time I prayed for something. God answered the prayer and I'm sitting here sad, because it's not at all what I wanted.

I don't know why He did that. Unless it was to show me the reality of things.

I was doing so well. So well..... I can't blame anyone but myself.

I need to be careful about what I pray for. I feel sick to my stomach.

Last year, I never thought I'd end up here. I have been in a spiritual plateau for awhile. Taking what I can get, when I can get it.

I'm really disappointed with myself lately. I read my prayer journal the other day and saw all the prayers and saw my pain. I made the prayers while in the pain, when in reality I think things were supposed to be the way they were.

I didn't take God at His word and thought *I* knew better. Now, I'm stuck in a place I don't want to be.

I need to pray for God to fix it.

Father really does know best.

I'm an idiot.



Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Figured I'd sit down and write a wee lil bit.

Things have gotten a bit better lately. In this whole process, I have changed quite a bit. Getting really tired of situations and I just have no want to even fix them.

Seeing a specialist to help me cope w/ PTSD along w/ my regular counselor. I like her a lot and she knows what she's talking about. We talked for awhile and she spoke a whole lot of truth to me about my life, current situations, past situations and future situations.

I have to change the past(my reaction to it), to change my future.

She said a lot of people are like me and afraid to change anything because they are afraid of that change. Afraid of consequences of that change. But, she made a lot of sense that change is necessary and change is good. By changing some of my current situations that really are no good, I can open doors for new and better things to come along.

I really enjoy talking with her.

All I want is to be happy and hopefully after working w/ her and a few others I'll get the tools to use to make better decisions and get out of situations I'm not happy in. There are quite a few in my life and I do have power to change them.

Just need to find it.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Easter.

He has risen =D



Saturday, March 31, 2012

I'll Fly Away

I listened to that song a few times today.

Some glad morning when this life is o'er,
I'll fly away;
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

When the shadows of this life have gone,
I'll fly away;
Like a bird from prison bars has flown,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away;
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

I can't wait to fly away from here. I want out so bad and God has stripped me of everything and is forcing me to deal with everything right at this moment.

Like a volcano I was being pressed and pressed to unload everything I hold inside. I was/am angry at ever being put in the position to do so. I'm angry at the response I got, I'm angry at the treatment I am getting.

I have been in bed for almost a full 7 days now. I get up and shower, I did take my daughter to school. I just lay in bed. Sometimes watching TV sometimes not.

My heart is broken into a million pieces and there is a storm going on all around me and I'm in such a numb emotional state I don't know what to do.

I thought about going to a hospital a few times, but for what? They don't see you for non stop crying. I've been embarrassed and humiliated enough, I don't need anymore.

I looked in the mirror for the first time in awhile today. I recognize the blue eyes, but the over all sadness that has invaded me like a virus from hell, I don't know.

Meet w/ my counselor on Monday, then a new counselor on Wednesday. I don't want to go to either, because frankly I'm tired of talking about it.

Beeing dealing w/ this crap for 9 years now and I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I'm tired and I'm alone in the most difficult time in my life.

I am running behind Jesus holding on to the very, very, very thread of his robe....Having faith, weak faith, but faith none the less and knowing that since He brought me to it He will bring me through it.

I am ready for my crown of beauty for my ashes.

I'm ready to fly away.

Trade my iron shackles in for freedom.

I want to go home.



Monday, March 19, 2012

Finally, a break through!

God has been calling me back slowly and surely. At first I was resisting in my anger at Him and who knows what else.

I started slowly a few weeks ago, listening to some of my shows and CDs again. Last week, I opened my bible study and did it. Reciting scripture to myself when I'm anxious or sad.

I haven't had a word from God in so long. This morning I was in my car and I was crying having a really bad morning. I plugged in my Ipod and turned on my favorite song I hadn't listened to in months "May your power rest on me"

Tears flowed down my face, not from sadness, but because I FELT God again. It washed over me and my heart was at instant peace. I wish I could explain those moments, but I can't. I just know the Holy Spirit was on me and my tears were wiped away.

Last night we were watching a show and there was a part where they were worshipping and I can't tell you how beautiful that is to me. Seeing someone get saved. Watching God take the blinders off someone. There's nothing more beautiful in life.

I was on my way to the therapist and thought it was going to be a big crying session. I walked in and he said "Well, look who's back to their old self" I couldn't stop smiling and the joy was back in my heart.

One thing I have learned in this time is how much I miss God. He's so fantastic and I have learned so much about His grace in this time.

I have leaned on His grace and I have been such a bone head.

I am so in love with God. I know I'm not back where I should be, but man do I love Him.

I felt in my heart today and was reassured by Him, "Everythings gonna be alright!"

Man, I missed Him.



Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Ah, A new month!

It's March, my winter depression should be coming to a close. Thank God!!

I hit my rock bottom last week, had to be honest w/ my therapist about what I was doing. What I almost did. It was very hard and I was ashamed of myself.

I woke up at that point I believe. I had lost all hope in my life. It seemed there was no way out of anything, but to go through it and...well... I didn't want to go through it.

He gave me a lot of hope yesterday. But most of all, I got a lot of hope from Jesus. Seeing my sweet Saviors face when he was carrying the cross. Knowing that I won't be punished for the things I have done, knowing that those things have their own consequences. A lot which I am facing right now.

I did my sleep study and lately I just can't sleep. I am not even sure if they were able to get any readings because I'm not sure I slept deep enough. Lately, it seems as if I don't.

I have a few friends and we have been discussing things ALL day long. All of us together, back, forth, back, forth.....Just chatting the day away.

I absolutely love those girls. They have kept me sane this past few weeks when things have been so hard.

Wish we all lived closer.

Opie is feeling a lot better, finally off the steroids that made him act so wonky.

Off to go walking and spend some much needed time with God. I don't know what I did, but I sure messed things up good w/ Him. But, that's why there's Jesus....I'm forgiven.

Love to all.


Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Dinner for one

I'm down in the dumps. I got dizzy at the dentist, then at the store.

I cried all the way home and now sit crying.

I fought this thing for almost 7 months now and I have no fight left in me.


I don't know what's going on, I don't know why it's happening. I have been trying to get closer with God and just to let Him fix it. I keep hanging on knowing He WILL fix it.

Was so sad over the weekend. Was alone. I wish I had someone to sit at my table with me and eat dinner. It was nice when Elmer was here, because he always sat with me and ate at the table with me.

I fought Kyle for a year to not feed Savannah dinner before she came over. I would cook all these things and she would always have eaten at his moms. I begged, pleaded, but it never changed anything.

I wish he knew how it felt to just want to sit down and eat with someone and have it taken from you. Everything, even simple things like having dinner with your daughter is a fight.

My weight is a fight. Being alone is a fight. Dizziness is a fight. Even trying to talk to my dad was a fight. Video games where I used to escape anymore is a fight and arguing. I want peace somewhere and there's not any.

There's just more fighting at every single turn. It's slowly killing me. I literally just want to lay in bed anymore and do nothing because it's the only place I'm not dizzy.

I gave up on my dreams. Someone over the weekend told me I wasn't a hairdresser...I haven't been for awhile. I remember when I was a really good hairdresser. I had clients out the wazoo. I loved my job, I was good at it. I was artistic and amazing at it. A disability took it away. It took everything away. Just like dizziness took away the gym.

The thief comes only to kill steal and destroy. Well dizziness and anxiety are theives.

They say what others have taken, God can give you back. Why doesn't God give me back double for my trouble? Why do I still suffer?

Me n Elmer are watching Friday Night Fights and there's a boy on there who had a whole football career. He was a football player, but his back got broken, he became paralyzed and now he will never play football again.

Does that make him any less of a football player? Or now is he nothing because disability took it away.

I pushed Elmer away all weekend because I just wonder how he can ever love me when I'm so screwed up.

How can he love someone I hate? There in lies the problem.

Pray for me.



Wednesday, February 15, 2012


Having difficulties w/ the privacy on here, but... I guess it doesn't matter much if someone else can view it.

Been in bed all day. Dizziness is back....I'm frustrated beyond words.

I'm pissed, beyond words.

I have hopes and dreams and as soon as I feel like I make progress, it's back again. I want to learn to live my life with it, but it feels so awful and I'm so mad.

I've been resigned to laying in my bed, being careful the way I put my head. I hate it.

I'm trying not to be angry at God, but it's so hard. I have so many other afflictions....can't one of them suffice without dizziness? I'm tired.

I miss Elmer a lot. As I lay here all day I just kept wishing he was here, so he could just tell me it's all gonna be okay.

Nothing worse than being sick, than being sick alone.

The tears have flowed all evening because I have been recovering from this since July, is it going to be another 9 months til it goes away again?

Fear, it rules my life.

I want an escape from this.



Thursday, February 02, 2012

My puppy doggie is better!

My dog is like a whole new dog! I wonder if he was getting sick for some time now. I never paid much attention I guess, other than realizing he's not acting like himself!

He ate 2 full bowls of dog food last night! =D

Starting to feel a lot better emotionally.

An old friend wants to fly in from Chicago and take me to dinner on Valentine's Day, while I was flattered..... that wouldn't be fair to E, so I said no.

I'm not sure what's happening there. Seems like we never have stuff to talk about anymore. If I do talk, I say or do the wrong thing. So, I've taken the approach of really saying nothing at all to avoid a lecture or comments about how my thoughts are off base.

Reminds me a lot of the relationship I had w/ my stepmom. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to fix that relationship through this one. It just doesn't work. He's sweet, he does really nice things for me...........but, if I can't talk or say my point of view or even be allowed to have feelings validated. What's the point?

I usually sit on the phone and let him do all the talking and just listen. Through that I have felt very distant and very lonely.

My therapist tells me week after week that it isn't working. My family and friends tell me it isn't working.

Maybe I see it, but I just don't want to believe it yet.

/shrug........I guess I don't have to worry about it today or tomorrow.

Today has enough worries of it's own.

The bible tells me so.



Monday, January 23, 2012

Been A While

My life is never, ever boring.

It's always stressful and lately I'm just sad.

My oldest dog Opie is sick. He's has a condition called Geriatric Vestibular Disorder. Basically oddly enough.........He's dizzy.

Ironic how he basically has the same thing I do. This morning is day 3 and I woke up hoping to see some major change in his condition and was disappointed that there are only miniscule improvements.

I called the vet this morning and she said it can take up to 2 weeks to notice improvements.

Either way it woke me up to the absolute reality that my baby is almost 14 years old, he will be going up to visit Jesus sooner than later. My heart isn't quite ready to let him go and I trust that God has his hand on it and trust that it will be a perfect time.

My life is such a mess as a whole. I find myself not caring about so much lately. My heart is fading w/ certain people and I try to hang on and hang on and my heart is changed and it's really hard to hold on to something that isn't there anymore.

I keep hoping something will spark feelings, but it doesn't. Part of it is distance, I don't know what the rest is.

I'm angry at my ex-husband because his life is working out so well. I want to run and tell his fiance about all the crap from last year when he was talking to me and wreck his happiness............but, I can't.

That's not the right way. I don't understand why when he treated me and my boys so bad, his life works out. I know I wasn't perfect, depression killed everything at the end, but matters weren't helped by yelling day in and yelling day out at anyone in his path.

I have asked God over and over to take these feelings out of my heart, but they don't go.

I'm really frustrated lately because I feel like I'm doing nothing right to get my prayers answered. I ask anyway out of faith, but I'm not expecting answers at all because of my complete disobedience to God.

I don't know what the answers are to any of this. It's like w/ everyone around me, I'm so afraid of letting anything go because I don't know what life holds outside of what I have now. Will things come along that are worse?

I have therapy today, more of the same.

Pray for me please, my heads just in a maxium capacity overload.



Wednesday, January 11, 2012

It's Wednesday

Just got out of bed, passing time til I meet some people at the gym. So, I thought I'd bloggety blog.

I'm still in quite a mess. My weekend was horrible. One of the worst I have had in quite awhile. I still am not sure what to do about that mess.

I've changed a lot lately. In instances where I thought I was weak, I'm not. Situations and people I'd never thought I could live with out, I know I can. Changing like that and then applying it are two different things.

I know what I want out of life and I know where I sit currently I'm not going to get it. Therapy is helping me so much. Maybe it's because I'm applying what he says in most areas.

I was talking to a friend the other day and he says "Dianna, you can't open and know what is behind one door, unless you close the others."

This statement has stuck in my head since he said it. It's true. I'm just always afraid what's behind the new doors will be worse than what's behind the doors I already have.

I guess I just live life with too much fear. Right now too much anger and resentment at people.

So........I don't know what to do, but I'm closer than I was yesterday and tomorrow I'll be closer than I was today.

That's my hope and for the first time in a long time I have it!!

Things are going to be okay!



Saturday, January 07, 2012

What Have I Done?

I woke up from the dream that is my life and I am my own crown of thorns.

What the hell did I do?

What the hell did I throw away?

What the hell am I thinking?

I wish I wasn't so distant from God lately. I need so much help and my heart physically hurts.

Good grief, what did I do?




God.......Help me.

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

This is not my home

Just listened to this and cried my wee little eyes out

I'm just so thankful that I won't always have to stay here. I 'm so tired of mean people, vindictive people, angry people.........I'm tired

I'm sooooooooo glad that I don't always have to stay here. I can't wait to go to my real home and leave this place.

Just windows and walls, I'm just passing through, this is my temporary home.

Thank God.