Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Dinner for one

I'm down in the dumps. I got dizzy at the dentist, then at the store.

I cried all the way home and now sit crying.

I fought this thing for almost 7 months now and I have no fight left in me.


I don't know what's going on, I don't know why it's happening. I have been trying to get closer with God and just to let Him fix it. I keep hanging on knowing He WILL fix it.

Was so sad over the weekend. Was alone. I wish I had someone to sit at my table with me and eat dinner. It was nice when Elmer was here, because he always sat with me and ate at the table with me.

I fought Kyle for a year to not feed Savannah dinner before she came over. I would cook all these things and she would always have eaten at his moms. I begged, pleaded, but it never changed anything.

I wish he knew how it felt to just want to sit down and eat with someone and have it taken from you. Everything, even simple things like having dinner with your daughter is a fight.

My weight is a fight. Being alone is a fight. Dizziness is a fight. Even trying to talk to my dad was a fight. Video games where I used to escape anymore is a fight and arguing. I want peace somewhere and there's not any.

There's just more fighting at every single turn. It's slowly killing me. I literally just want to lay in bed anymore and do nothing because it's the only place I'm not dizzy.

I gave up on my dreams. Someone over the weekend told me I wasn't a hairdresser...I haven't been for awhile. I remember when I was a really good hairdresser. I had clients out the wazoo. I loved my job, I was good at it. I was artistic and amazing at it. A disability took it away. It took everything away. Just like dizziness took away the gym.

The thief comes only to kill steal and destroy. Well dizziness and anxiety are theives.

They say what others have taken, God can give you back. Why doesn't God give me back double for my trouble? Why do I still suffer?

Me n Elmer are watching Friday Night Fights and there's a boy on there who had a whole football career. He was a football player, but his back got broken, he became paralyzed and now he will never play football again.

Does that make him any less of a football player? Or now is he nothing because disability took it away.

I pushed Elmer away all weekend because I just wonder how he can ever love me when I'm so screwed up.

How can he love someone I hate? There in lies the problem.

Pray for me.



No comments: