Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Dinner for one

I'm down in the dumps. I got dizzy at the dentist, then at the store.

I cried all the way home and now sit crying.

I fought this thing for almost 7 months now and I have no fight left in me.


I don't know what's going on, I don't know why it's happening. I have been trying to get closer with God and just to let Him fix it. I keep hanging on knowing He WILL fix it.

Was so sad over the weekend. Was alone. I wish I had someone to sit at my table with me and eat dinner. It was nice when Elmer was here, because he always sat with me and ate at the table with me.

I fought Kyle for a year to not feed Savannah dinner before she came over. I would cook all these things and she would always have eaten at his moms. I begged, pleaded, but it never changed anything.

I wish he knew how it felt to just want to sit down and eat with someone and have it taken from you. Everything, even simple things like having dinner with your daughter is a fight.

My weight is a fight. Being alone is a fight. Dizziness is a fight. Even trying to talk to my dad was a fight. Video games where I used to escape anymore is a fight and arguing. I want peace somewhere and there's not any.

There's just more fighting at every single turn. It's slowly killing me. I literally just want to lay in bed anymore and do nothing because it's the only place I'm not dizzy.

I gave up on my dreams. Someone over the weekend told me I wasn't a hairdresser...I haven't been for awhile. I remember when I was a really good hairdresser. I had clients out the wazoo. I loved my job, I was good at it. I was artistic and amazing at it. A disability took it away. It took everything away. Just like dizziness took away the gym.

The thief comes only to kill steal and destroy. Well dizziness and anxiety are theives.

They say what others have taken, God can give you back. Why doesn't God give me back double for my trouble? Why do I still suffer?

Me n Elmer are watching Friday Night Fights and there's a boy on there who had a whole football career. He was a football player, but his back got broken, he became paralyzed and now he will never play football again.

Does that make him any less of a football player? Or now is he nothing because disability took it away.

I pushed Elmer away all weekend because I just wonder how he can ever love me when I'm so screwed up.

How can he love someone I hate? There in lies the problem.

Pray for me.



Wednesday, February 15, 2012


Having difficulties w/ the privacy on here, but... I guess it doesn't matter much if someone else can view it.

Been in bed all day. Dizziness is back....I'm frustrated beyond words.

I'm pissed, beyond words.

I have hopes and dreams and as soon as I feel like I make progress, it's back again. I want to learn to live my life with it, but it feels so awful and I'm so mad.

I've been resigned to laying in my bed, being careful the way I put my head. I hate it.

I'm trying not to be angry at God, but it's so hard. I have so many other afflictions....can't one of them suffice without dizziness? I'm tired.

I miss Elmer a lot. As I lay here all day I just kept wishing he was here, so he could just tell me it's all gonna be okay.

Nothing worse than being sick, than being sick alone.

The tears have flowed all evening because I have been recovering from this since July, is it going to be another 9 months til it goes away again?

Fear, it rules my life.

I want an escape from this.



Thursday, February 02, 2012

My puppy doggie is better!

My dog is like a whole new dog! I wonder if he was getting sick for some time now. I never paid much attention I guess, other than realizing he's not acting like himself!

He ate 2 full bowls of dog food last night! =D

Starting to feel a lot better emotionally.

An old friend wants to fly in from Chicago and take me to dinner on Valentine's Day, while I was flattered..... that wouldn't be fair to E, so I said no.

I'm not sure what's happening there. Seems like we never have stuff to talk about anymore. If I do talk, I say or do the wrong thing. So, I've taken the approach of really saying nothing at all to avoid a lecture or comments about how my thoughts are off base.

Reminds me a lot of the relationship I had w/ my stepmom. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to fix that relationship through this one. It just doesn't work. He's sweet, he does really nice things for me...........but, if I can't talk or say my point of view or even be allowed to have feelings validated. What's the point?

I usually sit on the phone and let him do all the talking and just listen. Through that I have felt very distant and very lonely.

My therapist tells me week after week that it isn't working. My family and friends tell me it isn't working.

Maybe I see it, but I just don't want to believe it yet.

/shrug........I guess I don't have to worry about it today or tomorrow.

Today has enough worries of it's own.

The bible tells me so.