Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Gym Time

I am slowly easing my way back into the gym. Yesterday I was able to do spin class again, the first time after almost a year.

I was beaming with happiness.

This morning I went back and was able to go 50 calories and 5 minutes further than yesterday.

It's frustrating to not be able to do the things I used to, but in the same aspect, I appreciate the fact that I am just able to do something.

Going from being able to do nothing when I was sick, to just working out....It's amazing.

If I come to a point where I don't think I can do anymore, I just remember that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I do it in His strength, not my own.

I can't wait til I can go all out. I can't wait to see my clothes getting bigger.

I can't wait to go and buy me new work out shoes.

Hope, that lies within Christ.

Hope, where I had none.

I look back and think about how hopeless I was....So sad.

I hope I never get to that point again.

Heading to the pool for the day =D

God is good.



Thursday, June 21, 2012

YAY Summer

Really enjoying my summer. I can't remember the last time I was so happy. I'm out of the house all day, in the pool almost every day.

It's nice. I'm around people I love and people that are fun =)

Have been thinking lately about things I want and things I want to do with my life. God has put some dreams on my heart and pushing me a little bit to go after them.

I can't have the dreams I want, where I'm at right now.

I know wonderful things are on the other side of change, but I don't change much.

One thing God is doing is revealing what liars some people in my life are. I was so blind to that before, and He really has shown me. I wasn't shocked, just blind to it.

Now I laugh at the lies they tell.

I don't need/want people like that in my life.

I deserve so much better than I allow myself to have. I'm smart, I'm beautiful, funny, creative and have a really good heart.

I heard the other day someone who is supposed to love me called me a bitch. Of course not to my face. It would take courage to do that. Of course they get sympathy for everyone thinking they have to put up with such a tyrant.

I processed this for a few minutes and people only say that who don't know me. I think about the frustration in my life, think of the lies and garbage and being shoved behind everyone else. I think of the way I'm not appreciated for who I am and I think anyone, who puts up with what I do and doesn't kick a few of these people to the curb....isn't a bitch. She's a frustrated woman who's filled with anger and hurt. She couldn't be a bitch if all these people are still in her life.

One step closer today.

I'm worth it.



Sunday, June 10, 2012

The Prodigal Daughter Returned

I went to bed fairly late and woke up early. I'm not sure what came over me, but for the first time since September, I wanted to go to church.

I sat there coming up w/ a million reasons that I could not go and every reason that came up, I was one step closer to going. I found myself in the shower, getting ready, clothes on, out the door and driving. Even on the way I had a million reasons I shouldn't go, but I ended up there.

I honestly don't know how I got there or what possessed me to go, but I was sure God wanted me to take something away from what He was trying to say. There was a message I needed.

The sermon today was on Joseph and what his family had done to him and how God took what others meant for harm and used it for good.

As I fidgeted and listened, I was trying to process what all this had to do with me. Daniel spoke of abuse, emotional problems, financial problems and how you can help people through your bad experiences and how it is used to grow you and mature you.

I mulled it all over and it's starting to come out. I have been abused, almost my whole entire life one way or another. Daniel said that he isn't sure why people suffer, but it does bring people closer to God.

I notice that when I am happy and care-free, I don't pay much attention to God, but if my heart is broken, I cry out for Him over and over.

On the last part of the sermon Daniel spoke about unforgiveness. He actually dug out the scripture I have studied this week. Romans 12:17, Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.

*This* is where I am having my biggest struggle. Daniel hit it right on the head, I am playing God. I used to be so passive and let everyone get away with everything. I have taken a stance that God isn't doing anything at all to these people who hurt me, so I will treat them exactly like they have treated me. I have held back no punches either. I have said things that I don't like myself for, I have lied to someone who has continuosly lied to me. I played head games with people who play them with me. With a lot of people in the past month I have done this.

I got so tired of everyone getting away with how they treat others (me) and they always have a happy care free life and always get good things.

This is a huge struggle with me, because I don't know if I can not do it. I'm so sick of some people that are in my life that it's hard to even talk to them. I have ended ties this week with some people who drain me emotionally. I apologized for the way I acted, but I had to bow out.

I Just don't know how to overcome this struggle. I don't like being mean, but I feel that they deserve it. I'm just tired and I guess the real answer is the one God has been giving me all along. The one I don't listen to, the one I ignore.

The one I pray about and just pretend I didn't hear the answer.

I really did need to hear that this morning. I need to work on my forgiveness and stop repaying evil for evil. It has gotten me nowhere.



Wednesday, June 06, 2012

For the first time, in a long time

I'm happy =)

I casted my cares and they were erased.

I could not have received a better gift ever.

Joy in my heart, excitement in my life.

Love for God.

Love for really good friends.

Jesus under our tree.

Losing weight.

Did I mention my cares were erased???

My chains are broken and I am set free.

Psalm 107: 14-15 . “He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, And broke their chains in pieces. Oh, that men would give thanks to the LORD for His goodness, And for His wonderful works to the children of men!”

My chains are broken and I am set free.

My chains are broken and I am set free.

My chains are broken and I am set free.

My chains are broken and I am set free.

Thank you GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


In case you didn't hear............My chains are broken and I am set free.



Sunday, June 03, 2012

My Shoes

My mom has a thing for other peoples shoes. I thought it was weird til recently.

I have my magenta addidas running shoes. I absolutely love these shoes. I remember the day I got them, I remember falling in love with them.

I was walking the other day, my shoes are worn out. They are looking dirty, the heels are wearing out and the shock absorber in them is shot. I thought briefly about getting new shoes, but I don't know that I can.

I think about those shoes in terms of who I used to be. When I got those shoes, I was someone that I liked. They walked the floor of the job I loved, the pedaled the bike of the spin class I love, I lost lots of weight in those shoes.

They seem to be the only constant thing that attaches me to a past that I miss.

Is this how people start hoarding?

I accomplished so much in those shoes.

I feel like if I get rid of them and bury them in a closet somewhere that I will forget that for a short time I was someone that I loved.

Kyle used to always be insecure over Vick. Our marriage had many fights over Vick. I always missed the days I was with Vick, but I didn't miss Vick at all. I missed who *I* was, when I was with him. I was young, extemely thin, beautiful.

Vick was like the shoes. By letting him go, I was letting go of a past where I liked myself.

Tears actually come to my eyes as I think of my shoes. When I think of who I was in them. Somehow feeling I am letting them down, that they only get to meet the floor of the supermarket or the hot pavement.

500 spin classes are probably in those shoes. Every day, sometimes twice a day for a year. Hundreds of miles on the AMT trainers in those shoes. Sit ups, strength training. Everything in those shoes.

At least I have more hope than ever now that I will get back there. Giving myself a lot of slack for getting sick and gaining some weight.

Mulling over the new shoes and thinking maybe I should just go ahead and get the shoes because it is a new start.

My walks with God lately are awesome. He gives me strength and power I never knew I had.

I love Him.

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