I went to bed fairly late and woke up early. I'm not sure what came over me, but for the first time since September, I wanted to go to church.
I sat there coming up w/ a million reasons that I could not go and every reason that came up, I was one step closer to going. I found myself in the shower, getting ready, clothes on, out the door and driving. Even on the way I had a million reasons I shouldn't go, but I ended up there.
I honestly don't know how I got there or what possessed me to go, but I was sure God wanted me to take something away from what He was trying to say. There was a message I needed.
The sermon today was on Joseph and what his family had done to him and how God took what others meant for harm and used it for good.
As I fidgeted and listened, I was trying to process what all this had to do with me. Daniel spoke of abuse, emotional problems, financial problems and how you can help people through your bad experiences and how it is used to grow you and mature you.
I mulled it all over and it's starting to come out. I have been abused, almost my whole entire life one way or another. Daniel said that he isn't sure why people suffer, but it does bring people closer to God.
I notice that when I am happy and care-free, I don't pay much attention to God, but if my heart is broken, I cry out for Him over and over.
On the last part of the sermon Daniel spoke about unforgiveness. He actually dug out the scripture I have studied this week. Romans 12:17, Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
*This* is where I am having my biggest struggle. Daniel hit it right on the head, I am playing God. I used to be so passive and let everyone get away with everything. I have taken a stance that God isn't doing anything at all to these people who hurt me, so I will treat them exactly like they have treated me. I have held back no punches either. I have said things that I don't like myself for, I have lied to someone who has continuosly lied to me. I played head games with people who play them with me. With a lot of people in the past month I have done this.
I got so tired of everyone getting away with how they treat others (me) and they always have a happy care free life and always get good things.
This is a huge struggle with me, because I don't know if I can not do it. I'm so sick of some people that are in my life that it's hard to even talk to them. I have ended ties this week with some people who drain me emotionally. I apologized for the way I acted, but I had to bow out.
I Just don't know how to overcome this struggle. I don't like being mean, but I feel that they deserve it. I'm just tired and I guess the real answer is the one God has been giving me all along. The one I don't listen to, the one I ignore.
The one I pray about and just pretend I didn't hear the answer.
I really did need to hear that this morning. I need to work on my forgiveness and stop repaying evil for evil. It has gotten me nowhere.