Tuesday, December 18, 2012

What a month this has been

I'm glad I had so much Christmas cheer in November because wow, what a strange sad month this has been.

After the killings in Connecticut, I have been searching everywhere for answers as to why this happened.

I read comments from people about God and why did God let this happen and where was God.

This offends me and I asked why certainly, but I have never wavered from the belief that God is good.

Isaiah 55:8-9

New International Version (NIV)

8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I forget so often what I learned in redemption group that God writes our life stories, we do not write our own.

It's His story, not ours. We were created for Him.

I have listened to quite a few sermons over the past few days and they all help reassure that God has a plan.

Isaiah 45:9

What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, 'Stop, you're doing it wrong!' Does the pot exclaim, 'How clumsy can you be?'

He knows what He is doing.

I listened to a sermon earlier about the real Christmas story. How Jesus was born into a dark world. He didn't arrive in a fancy kingdom of gold. He was born in a barn, with cows, sheep and mules. His bed was hay.

Herod was jealous because he heard the new king was born and had all the infant boys slaughtered.

Jesus is our light in this dark world.

Christmas is about him. It's not about money or having gifts to open, he was the best gift ever to be given.

Forgiven, the bridge that connects us to God. No more sacrifices, no more offerings....Just pure forgiveness that so many find so hard to believe.

Through Christ. He is the doorway.

I love God more now than ever and trust that He has a plan and has already walked this road before us. He knows where we are headed and has made our paths straight.

Merry Christmas.



Saturday, December 08, 2012

A Divine Intervention

A divine intervention for a very lonely sad girl today.


God knows most what I need, when I need it.

I have had an awful day and I am completely alone. There's no one for me to talk to. tears have flowed, pain has surfaced largely in my broken heart.

The pain my heart feels right now, I can't even express. I hurt deeply, I needed someone. No one was to be found. Just me.

I was getting out of the shower and had my phone next to the tub. I had no touched it in over 20 minutes. Nothing was laying against it, nothing touching it.

I hear music and at first I think it's coming from outside and then realize, it's coming from my phone.

I pick it up and hear Aerosmith I don't want to miss a thing and I go to my room to lay down and I feel Bretts presence like he was with me in the room and then the song he played specifically for me at his funeral came on.

I didn't touch it, I didn't play it, I didn't even move my ipod.

It's this song

He was letting me know he was here with me. There's no other explaining how that happened.

He knew I was alone and how bad my heart hurt.

God, I wish he was still here. I miss him so much. He was my best friend. The song says it all, he's watching over me.

Very nice because he knew how much I really needed someone today. Still in awe and wonder how that happened.

I love him.



Thursday, December 06, 2012

Fork in the Road

When you are standing at a crossroads in your life, how do you choose the direction your life takes?

Living in a world 30% of the time that isn't real, my escape.

My dreams are down one path, uncertainty down the other.

Adventure sometimes wants to choose the uncertainty and hang on by the seat of my pants.

Reality sets in and I sometimes want to take the other road where things are real.

Things are touchable, things are seen.

Some of my dreams have already gone down the toilet leaving me with a certain amount of resentment. I should put that anger on myself because I believed in empty promises.

Life seems as if it's a series of empty promises. Snow on Monday, Storms on Saturday.....Sunshine maybe on Tuesday. No certainty........Just a promise of snow that usually doesn't happen.

I wish I could hire someone out to direct my life. I'm supposed to let God be in control of that and all I come up with is confusion and God speaks to my heart and He says "If you are confused, child it's not My answer."

Maybe it's not His answer, maybe it's just the smallest part of hope in my heart that wants to believe.

Time passes, I still am, where I am. You know watching the Titanic, one line always sticks with me. Where the older Rose picks up the mirror that the men collected from the bottom of the ocean. She looks in it and says "This was mine. How extraordinary! And it looks the same as it did last time I saw it... The reflection's changed a bit."

That's how I feel. Every year I look in that mirror, the reflection changes, but nothing else does.

Ramblings that really mean nothing.

Jibbey Jobbey as my aunt calls it.

Jibbey, Jobbey.



Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Expecting Too Much

The title says it all. My therapist and I had a long discussion about how I expect too much from people in my life. They can't deliver therefore it sets me up to be disappointed.

I thought about this a lot over the past week, it was put to the test over the past few days and he is very correct.

I'm sad in some ways, relieved in others.

I didn't realize how much I expected of others, they simply cannot be something they aren't.

This isn't casting a negative light on any of them, it's just opening eyes on my part.

My view of things are sometimes so distorted.

People cannot be, what they are not.

I was sad last night and want so badly out of the messes I am in. I cry out a lot for God to just take me, but He won't. He's gonna make me go through this big jumbled up mess I am because He knows I can.

Wish it didn't take so long.

I'm tired, but I am learning quite a bit.

I expected too much.

Pressures off.