I have pneumonia again, so I have some down time lately. Time to do some thinking, real thinking, real soul searching.
I'm a bit down, not sure if it's because of SAD, or just because I'm where I never thought I'd be again.
I look back at past images of me and I think, that's not me. Who is that girl?
I put on the same shoes that girl wore. I have new ones sitting in my closet, but can't seem to wear them. That would mean accepting the girl I am now and I'm not quite ready to do that.
Kyle used to get so angry and so jealous of Vick back when we were married. He always thought that I was head over heels for Vick and it caused a lot of problems for us.
What he didn't know or realize is that I didn't miss Vick at all and it wasn't really about Vick...It was about me. I missed who I was when I was with Vick. I missed me.
I guess the same concept now, but with God. I have back slid so far that I have my nails dug in the cliff trying to hang on to anything and I'm not even sure what I'm hanging onto.
I pulled some baskets out from under my bed and like the shoes, memories of who I was.
All my old books I read when I was newly a Christian, bible studies, inspirational quotes.
I looked at them and I'm really not sure what happened. I know there's a whole lot of self and sin in there and I really do miss God. I still pray every night and keep contact with God, but nothing is the same.
I open the books to read them and I find papers and things of that life and I maybe am mourning that life that I had. I want it back, but I'm so far gone and I know the things I have to give up to get it back. All that stuff I did, the way my life turned around.....The joy in my heart I felt almost on a daily basis. I miss it.
I miss it bad. I keep waiting for something big to happen to pull me one way or the other and nothing is going to fall from the sky and make things right. I have to go on my own.
Therefore I'm stuck in the middle.