Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I'm Somewhere In Middle

I have pneumonia again, so I have some down time lately. Time to do some thinking, real thinking, real soul searching.

I'm a bit down, not sure if it's because of SAD, or just because I'm where I never thought I'd be again.

I look back at past images of me and I think, that's not me. Who is that girl?

I put on the same shoes that girl wore. I have new ones sitting in my closet, but can't seem to wear them. That would mean accepting the girl I am now and I'm not quite ready to do that.

Kyle used to get so angry and so jealous of Vick back when we were married. He always thought that I was head over heels for Vick and it caused a lot of problems for us.

What he didn't know or realize is that I didn't miss Vick at all and it wasn't really about Vick...It was about me. I missed who I was when I was with Vick. I missed me.

I guess the same concept now, but with God. I have back slid so far that I have my nails dug in the cliff trying to hang on to anything and I'm not even sure what I'm hanging onto.

I pulled some baskets out from under my bed and like the shoes, memories of who I was.

All my old books I read when I was newly a Christian, bible studies, inspirational quotes.

I looked at them and I'm really not sure what happened. I know there's a whole lot of self and sin in there and I really do miss God. I still pray every night and keep contact with God, but nothing is the same.

I open the books to read them and I find papers and things of that life and I maybe am mourning that life that I had. I want it back, but I'm so far gone and I know the things I have to give up to get it back. All that stuff I did, the way my life turned around.....The joy in my heart I felt almost on a daily basis. I miss it.

I miss it bad. I keep waiting for something big to happen to pull me one way or the other and nothing is going to fall from the sky and make things right. I have to go on my own.

Therefore I'm stuck in the middle.



Tuesday, January 22, 2013

YAY for my birthday this year!!

I'm soooooooooooo excited!! My boyfriend put to have my birthday off this year and he is going to come see me ONNNNNNNNNNN My actual birthday!!

I'm so excited I could cry.

Things have been going so well lately for us and it's such a nice change.

I keep praying and praying for us to make it.

I have a date on my birthday!!!!! Hooray!!