Sunday, December 28, 2008


Was sitting at my desk doing absolutely nothing, Kyle decides to start insulting me...... huge blow up ... cops were called and came to calm us down. He needs to leave me alone. He just plain and simple needs to leave me alone. I wasn't even doing anything just sitting here and the insults start coming. I need to move. I hate it here. I smiled at something and he said "oh well you seem to be awful happy" God knows i cry myself to sleep every night almost. I was like what Kyle I smiled will you not be happy til i kill myself? I don't understand.
I was up all night with my tooth, clenching my jaws i broke it.
It hurts bad =(
im sad, and stressed and just want him to leave me alone.
He also needs to stop shouting my business in front of the kids.
Also needs to stop insulting me in front of the kids.
Pisses Juan off and Savannah said she was glad he left.
He's doing his own self in.
Im stressed. Heading to moms to sit in my stupor with my tooth ache til i figure out exactly what it is Im supposed to be doing.
Happy day

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Happy Christmas Eve Eve!


Hi and Happy Christmas Eve Eve!! Savannah and I for the past 3 hrs have been baking cookies. We had a really good time and it was nice doing that with her. She really knows her way around a kitchen!

Okay, off to scrabble

Happy day.

Monday, December 22, 2008


It's Monday! Been a busy day. Woke up kinda late which put a rush on the day to begin with. I took Juan and his friends shopping. They cracked me up. The one kid Kojo is probably one of the funniest kids I Have ever met. He had me laughing the whole entire time. It was nice taking him and his friends around.

Over the weekend Kyle and Savannah were supposed to go to Nashville to see his aunt, but Savannah got so sick. Oh my Lord was she ever sick. She threw up for 24hrs straight. Kyle went on and went and I took care of Vannah. It was a very rough day. She would just lay on the bathroom floor and cry asking me why did she have to be sick. I sat on the edge of the tub and cried because there was absolutely nothing I could do. Was a long day.

When she would sleep I moved her toys out of my room and scrubbed the extra room in the basement and made her a playroom. It looks fantastic.

Yesterday I was soooo sore from all the furniture moving.

Im not ready for Christmas. Have no motivation. Nothing.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm...... that's about it. I took a long nap did Richard simmons and now just gonna maybe play scrabble or write letters til bed.

Have a happy Monday
The sun is shining
life is terrific =)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

90 minus 3

I have to share this, for 90 straight days I have exercised and ate extremely well. I gave up sugar, chocolate etc. I have pushed myself and pushed myself and PUSHED myself. I have only missed 3 days of exercise in 90. I have wanted to give up over and over and over, There have been days where I Have wanted to CRY because I'm so tired. A lil persistence pays off cause I bought a pair of jeans I couldn't button, I couldn't even really get over my hips and I said those are my goal jeans!!

Guess whos wearing the jeans today ?? 4 sizes down from where I started. The scale hasn't moved very much but the inches have melted off. I think I'm building alot of muscle.

=) YAY Jeans!!!

IT is a happy day indeed!

What the heck day is it?

I think it's Thursday! hmmm! Not much going on here, allergies are acting up this morning. Atchoooooooooo.
kinda been cleaning on and off, contemplating a nap.
That's about it. I have contemplated the nap and now off to take it.
happy day the sun NEEDSSSSSSSS to come out
Life is good

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Its wednesday

I have cried most of the day. I think I've got the winter time blues. Honest question for people in KY, when is the last time the sun came out? I haven't seen it in ages, but haven't kept track. I know it's been at least 10 days. I was out walking every day getting sunshine, now its drab rainy cold day one after the other. It's affecting my psyche. I forgot to eat this morning. It was almost noon before i realized I hadn't eaten. Not that it's gonna hurt me, but when my blood sugar drops I get cranky. I ate a banana and that's all i have had today. Getting ready to go get Savannah off the bus and exercise I guess. I really really need to.
Okay happy day to all
life is good

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Today is better

and its my mommas birthday so Happy Birthday Momma!! =)
I am feeling mentally better. I spent the day yesterday having panic attacks. That is something I hadn't done in awhile, for the most part those are gone. I guess it's all the stress.
I cleaned and just moped all day pretty much and in the evening I got on WoW and Christmas had come!!!!!!!!!!! Every area and every world was decorated all up. Elmer and I spent all evening in Iron Forge... He had a lil char he made into an elf to give out cookies and milk.. You have to give santa cookies and milk and he gives you presents. Since my char Genovie is a tailor I made christmas clothes for a bunch and just over all we had a blast. The people in that game are so funny. I know alot find it hard to understand but it's a blast. Nancy has asked a few times what its like and what do you do on there, so I'm gonna share a few pics.
First is my char Geno she usually has alot more clothes on, well armor LOL but this is her christmas outfit she made.
Here is Santa Claus and he does gift presents YAY!
Here is Elmers Girlie Char LOL!! He has all boy real chars but that's his Christmas Elf. He got hit on all yesterday LOL!
This is my good friend Dan.. The boys get full christmas clothes LOL!!! He went to the barber shop and got his hair lightened and a beard to look like sannie claus
Below is my very, very, very good friend David that's on my face book page. I have known him for a few years. He's dancing with Elmer trying to get some milk and cookies for free ha ha!!
And last but not least is Genovie on her Rudolph Mount =)
Anyways so Christmas in WoW got me out of my funk and today I am better. Having ulcer problems but with all the stress Im lucky its just an ulcer. Happy day to all
the sun is shining

Monday, December 15, 2008

Just not my day

Today, I'm having such a struggle with everything. Especially anger. Alot happened over the weekend. A huge huge degrading fest at 4:30 am. I won't go into details because it's extremely embarrassing and of course were just verbal attacks on me. Today I'm so angry. I'm so tired of being put down. I'm tired of everything.
When the verbal stuff happened the other night Juan and his friend Patrick were here and his room is right across from mine and it was so loud, I'm sure they heard every word cause Juan said they didn't go to sleep til 6.
I try and try to pull myself up and I keep getting knocked down because obviously Kyle doesn't think I feel bad enough about myself. Believe you me I hate myself enough for 20 people, I really don't need any help in that department. Anymore when he is around I get so anxious and just start sweating and shaking because I just wait for more verbal assaults. I wanna pull my hair out so bad and just scream because all I want is to be left alone.
The boys have picked up on this disrespect and are treating me awful. Anthony is so mean to me. Every day for 3 years he has to be told to let the dogs out after school. If I do not tell him he says he doesn't have to do it because I should have to ask him. Yesterday I decided to let them out since I was out that way. Today I say anthony let the dogs out. He didn't, I said Anthony let the dogs out... He says.. I don't do that anymore you did that yesterday I never let the dogs out thats your job.... Im like wtf????? every day for years you have had to let the dogs out in the afternoon. He goes on and on and on with me, back talking me and i said you need to watch how you speak to me. In which he responds, I dont need to watch anything to you because what i say is fine, no one else has a problem with me blah blah..... I just decide to walk away and I Had asked him to take out the trash... Did he do it.......nooooooooo so I say Anthony trash.... You didn't tell me which trash to take out, I took out what piece of trash i wanted too , you didn't specify which location of the trash I had to take out going on and on... So i said fine no computer for 3 days... What he says??? you are grounding me because YOU didn't specify which trash I needed to take out. I say its the way you talk to me.... again I talk fine to you you are the one who has the problem.... I took his cell phone from him to ... he went on and on arguing with me , insulting me telling me that he doesn't have to talk to me any way, he is fine. He needs to get a job and see how things are done in the real world. Hes almost 18 and has no clue at all how the real world works. He says no one ever takes him to get jobs, oh we have he just shoves the applications in his entertainment center. Im done, he's going to go get a job so he can see when someone asks you to do something, you don't do what you want to do, you do what you are told. They ate Savannahs Christmas cookies she made for her teacher, she was in tears this morning when they went to go get them and they were gone. Juan drink all my teas, my egg nog anything I buy for myself after they eat or drink theirs they feel obligated to go take everyone elses things. Lets face it, if it's there, they are going to take it. I was saving a whole bag of M and Ms I just went to go get them and they were completely eaten a 1 lb unopened bag and the bag shoved back in.
Anthony said he was hungry made 2 peanut butter sandwiches, then I go back a few min later he's got the stove on for a pizza, I say, wheres the peanut butter sandwiches, he says "Oh i fed them to the dog because i want something different" they know I Have no money for groceries and we have to save yet the dogs can have the sandwiches cause he wants something else.
No one in this house respects me. Probably because they continually learn the disrespect from others. Not only do i have to get the verbal stuff from kyle, i gotta get it from my own kids.
Im tired. Wipe the floor with me and add it on to every other thing I Have got on my plate.
Not to mention I was draining boiling water, it splashed up off a plate in the sink I know have 3 half dollar size blisters on my stomach.
I tried to cry, but I can't. After Saturday night/ sun morning I emotionally numb. A person has limits to how much stuff they can handle. I was past my limit mos ago.
I dunno what to do.
I don't care.
I give up.
Happy day.

Friday, December 12, 2008


what i thought was the stomach flu yesterday..... was only the beginning. oh my lord have mercy, I feel like death. Stomach stuff, weak, achey, fever. I go from bed to computer. I crawled to macs to get me a diet sprite. I can't even eat. I need to shower, but I don't know if i have the energy. I wish i had a dvd player so i could watch christmas movies. I have got the weepies now, which mom knows im famous for when i get sick.
stomach viruses suck.
Life is good

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Been Awhile

Howdy folks! Been awhile.
Weekend was long. Saturday we had a bfast with santa to go to at Savannahs school. I thought it was going okay, til Kyle made some comments to me which really set my tone for the weekend.

I know he's angry at me etc. etc. but I was really embarrassed and sad. The first one really got me... We were standing in line at the Santa shop the line was very, very long. People and kids all over. He was coughing and said he needed to get something to drink. I had a bottle of green tea and being nice said "Here, you wanna drink of my tea" instead of no thanks etc in front of all these people I get "I don't know where your mouth has been" I thought I was going to DIE, not to mention Anthony, Savannah and everyone around heard that. It made me sad.
The second one, we were in line for Santa and the line was long. He had his foot out and I almost tripped on it. I was sitting there talking to my friend Wendy and looked at him and said "oof you tryin to trip me" He said "What's it matter if I do, you aren't on my insurance anymore and aren't my problem if you get hurt" Wendy and I exchanged looks and I just looked at him and told him that wasn't nice.
I stewed all day of course. The comments are unnecessary no matter how angry someone is and they are completely uncalled for. The kids are already showing a ton of disrespect for me... Now I see why. He basically called me a slut at a childrens function when I still haven't gone on a date, nor even gone out to eat or anything. I don't understand.

Debbie was at the bfast with Santa and I talked to her for the first time in years and got to see Madison and Ken Ken. That was nice.

Been exercising every single day. Still having to do the Dancing with the oldies thing cause it's been to cold. It's not too too bad.

Juan threw up yesterday and is home sick, Savannah was sick to her stomach and coughing she has another cold. Tis the season. I'm sure since I Just got over being sick, it will come to me again.
I dislike winter so bad. I hate it.

I Have journals and journals full of I Hate summer, I wish winter would come. What was I thinking. Oof. Oof.

So that's about all the updates for now. Nothing else going on as of late. Just sickness and blah.

Happy Holidays
Love to all
The sun is shining

Friday, December 05, 2008

Me n Mom took on the stores today...

Me n mom went out and spent the day shopping today. We had a very, very good time and I couldn't help but chuckle at my mother. We got to the Mall early before the stores opened and she got to see first hand a few mall walkers.... We come up to one of these center booths and it says something about a facial and mom goes over with great curiosity and starts stroking this big black thing and looks as if she's going to put her face in it... She's like "How does this work" I'm like "Mom that's a stool, your butt goes in it, not your face" LOL they had put them up on the counter while they were closed. She wasn't so impressed once she found out its a stool LOL!!
Then off to Bath and Body works where she sniffed a bottle of lotion and shot it up on her nose... I can't take my mother anywheres.
All through the mall it was like Harry Krishnas (sp?) handing out flowers and asking for money all along the way... My mom was like a football player on steroids, they would holler to her... No, No thank you... and just take off running. I couldn't keep her with her... She would fully fit in to the mall walker world, she was FAST, those sales men didn't stand a chance with her.
We then went to Steak n Shake for lunch then off to Target.
I was soooo tired, felt as if we walked forever.
I dropped her off came home and ate a bit of noodles. Then played WoW for a bit.
I was going to take a nap and instead decided to do Richard again. It's so flipping cold out. I was so sore from all the walking and carrying the packages and blah... But, I mustered up some strength did it and now sitting my butt down. I'm plum pooped.
Hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed weekend.
life is wonderful

Thursday, December 04, 2008


It's Thursday, yet I went through the whole day thinking that it was Friday. Today for the most part is a blur, I don't like this getting dark early stuff. I took Savannah to school, cleaned for a few and went to bed and slept for a long, long time.
Tonight I was trying to decide between WoW and a date with Richard since it got freezing overnight... Wasn't even much of a debate, Richard won out. Wasn't too bad and actually I like the burn of the muscles I dont get to exercise when walking.
My stomach has hurt all day so I have eaten noodles with veggie bullion a few times tonight. That's all I have eaten all day and yet my stomach still hurts. Ah the joys of ulcers. Okay, my boring life!
Happy Thursday
Life is good

Wednesday, December 03, 2008


I can't believe it's already Wednesday. Yesterdays post disappeared. I have another private blog I write in and when you are signed in to which ever blog and I accidentally thought I was in one blog and wasn't was in this blog and the post is gone gone goneeeeeeeee Whoa, basically it said I'm hungry I hate cocoa pebbles, Kyle needs to get food we can all eat.
Today has been so busy, I am just now finding time to sit down at the puter and write. This morning I had to go for my yearly girly check up.. Oh boy! Went well, lost weight Blood pressure was 115/70 which he said was excellent, Iron is at a presentable level.
Then after that I went to Fashion Bug to look around and get myself a couple of need things as I have lost weight a few things are falling off. So I got a couple of items.
Then off to Hancocks for some Fabric...
Then to Mcdonalds for a hamburger patty and an apple.... yum
It was a warm day, well warm for December so I knew I was going to get to walk outside today.
I decided first to go to Walmart and get some groceries which I did, then came home lugged them all in and WENT WALKING!! YAY
Outside. I walked and walked and walked 2.5 miles today. I know tomorrow is supposed to be cold and I'm tired of trying to find solutions to the exercise dilemma so I soaked it up. I feel sooooooooo good.
I'm getting ready to take a breather for a few and then go cook some dinner and then maybe watch a movie or something.
Happy day
Life is good

Monday, December 01, 2008

My first date with Richard

Oh boy!! All I can say is we went to the Prom.......
Let me first start by saying, it's super cold outside, I cannot go for a walk out there. The treadmill gave me a stress fracture in my ankle and the mall is for farty bossy women with strange objects growing out of their ass... What's a girl to do?
I open up my cabinet and out falls a Richard Simmons DVD Sweatin to the Oldies... I was really debating on what to do, looking up indoor walking tracks online. Either way I had to exercise.
I open it up, see a song list... think to myself, this can't be so bad there's 11 songs, lets try it.

I have never felt an urge of geekiness in my whole life.. I went into Anthonys room, patted my dogs and pushed them out of the room and shut and locked the doors.

Not sure if the neighbors could see the outline of my body and hear what I was doing in there but I didn't care. By goodness I was goin on a date with Richard.

We started out by watching his mom get hauled off in a police car.. Okay, he uses humor that was funny... This may not be so bad.

Dancin in the street was the first dance of our prom.. Not bad.. I felt a lil like Steve Martin the jerk.. Couldn't quite get the rhythm down, really focused on just exercising..

Beyond the Sea comes on and my eyes and mind start wandering... "what the hell kind of clothes are these people wearing?" Okay, I get that it was filmed in the 80s. Did we really dress THAT BAD? hideous

On Broadway comes, I am noticing that the movements and songs are getting progressively faster.. he's no Jane Fonda and doesn't explain what he's doing, you just better hope like hell you can keep up and learn the steps..He incorporates this move that I found oddly fun "Sizzle Fingers" yes you heard that right "Sizzle Fingers" It's sick itself that I enjoyed them.

It's my party comes on, I am really just busting my butt getting into it, when all of the sudden what appears? This woman wearing bright orange whos boobs were totally out of control. Someone needed to stop those suckers. Man they were wild. I have never seen a pair of boobs that out of control in my life. Did they not have sports bras back then? Those boobs were a menace to a decent society.

Peggy Sue comes on, they moved swirvy boobs to the back and in her place comes a smiley boy. He's just happy. We start doing some leg moves and I notice that Richards legs are so nice. He wears those really, really short pants and my brain wanders to "Where's his wing wing at" I mean normal people it would flop out, how does he keep his under control and he really needs to share his tips with Wild Boob Hancock.

Okay, Great Balls of Fire comes on and I am ponying to the left and hit my hip on Anthonys bed... Instead of yelping in pain I start doing sizzle fingers!! Ahhhhh they work!! Anthony knocks on the door, "Mom, what are you doing in there" I reply "Sizzle fingers boy, let me be" Then the dogs start scratching and sniffing under the door. They must sense the fun in the sizzle fingers!

Wipe out comes on and I start feeling an odd tingling sensation in my rear. I can barely keep up, although I am at this point sweating... I have gotten over Jiggly boobs and quit wondering where his weenie is and focusing on exercising and sizzle fingers. I put them into places in the songs they dont belong. They are FUN!

Just when things can't get any worse, He's a Rebel comes on and I hear a motorcycle, a guy who looks exactly like the dead guy on Weekend at Bernies pulls up and drops a chick off to sing. Even sizzle fingers don't make sense of that weirdness in an exercise video.

Personality comes on and I notice we are getting slower, I look around for Wild boob lady and she has disappeared.. Im thinking she must've hit herself in the eye with her breast and had to be carried off by the dead Weekend at Bernies guy... Hmm where did she go? Looking for her was like looking for Waldo, I looked all over but never saw her through that whole song.

Aint no mountain high enough wraps up our "date" Richard on the floor stretching his legs... I slowly start to realize that I need to "Sizzle Finger" My way into a straight jacket quickly and get help.

I opened up the door to exit the room, both dogs laying on floor at door ears perked up and both head cocked looking at me! Hmph!

I sure wish warm weather would come back because nothing beats walking.

Sigh, skinny people don't know how lucky they are.

Happy Monday!
The sun is shining!!
Life is good
Orange boobies wildly swinging are bad!

Sunday, November 30, 2008


I am so glad everyone goes back to school and work tomorrow and I get some peace and quiet. Woot! Been a long holiday!
Today was okay I guess. Got a ton of cleaning done, got the tree up and decorated. I didn't even get out a fourth of my Christmas decorations this year.... Not excited about it, don't care about it this year, just want it GONE.
Yes, I am a grinch.
My migraine still there a bit.... Along with it my stomach is hurting.
I have been going to bed really early, getting lots of sleep. Just haven't full recovered from that stupid cold I guess. I'm gonna live in a bubble I think. Safer that way.
Hmm, nothing else really going on. Just a quiet rainy Sunday evening. I didn't get to walk today... I didn't really want to my ankle is bothering me. Although I got the cleaning done and quite a bit so I guess that counts!
Happy Sunday
Life is good

Saturday, November 29, 2008

I know it's been awhile

Been busy, been hectic. I think I wrote about my ankle swelling... went to the Immediate Care Center Wed. Night, had a stress fracture in it. Told me to stay off of it, but I haven't have been walking anyways. Not on the treadmill but around the neighborhood.

I'm very tired and very, very stressed. I have had kids non stop at my house since Wednesday night. We aren't talking one kid... This is what my house has looked like since Wednesday, take out tyler and Juans girlfriend who come in and out
Add my 2 dogs who off the excitement do this play fighting thing non stop... today I have a migraine UGH
I have no door on my bedroom. Juan is mad cause I said no on Jordan coming over. He gives me 20 kinds of grief... I think I have been more than kind to allow these boys over every day and they have also stayed all night. It's been 4 days... why aren't the other parents having them all over?

I haven't felt real well today, I Have a migraine. The noise.. the boys were constantly nagging me for haircuts, so I went and walked 2 miles then came back and cut their hair.....

I had a hard day yesterday. I spent alot of the day crying, just feeling like I am burden to everyone and that I'm not worth anything. The side effect of words. So, I go to moms, spend some time over there, clear my head.....

Today, Kyle and I were sitting down talking. The subject of Elmer comes up. Some of you may know of Elmer, some of you may not know of Elmer... Anyways... I had been talking on the phone with Elmer or something I dunno and Kyle said something about "I'm not stupid I have eyes and ears that still work" Okay.... So your eyes and ears still work... I haven't hidden anything. Elmer does not live in KY and I have never met him... So, I dunno what the deal was but Kyle said something to the effect of "Poor Elmer has to put up with you and doesn't even get any"
I was crushed. Absolutely crushed. Talk about insensitive comments... Then something was said about hunting and Elmer is away hunting and then Kyle said "Aw you gonna make him give up his hobbies too" I didn't realize I ever made Kyle give up any of his hobbies...That baffles the living crap out of me. So then he said "Poor Elmer, tell him to call me and we will compare notes"

I put my Ipod on and went out to cry.
I already feel awful about myself... I have been trying to pick myself up. I already feel like a lousy piece of crap and I haven't even done anything wrong. I don't think not loving someone justifies the hurtful comments. I was with kyle for 12 years and only Kyle. It's not like I was some lot lizard traveling around and around...comments that were so unwarranted and certainly not deserved.

I asked him what he wanted to know about Elmer, instead of just taking wild guesses about what he thought was going on...People always think they know everything. I didn't even know Elmer 2 years ago when all the divorce talk started.. I didn't even know Elmer a year ago when things got really bad... I didn't even know Elmer 6 mos ago when our house was hell on earth...

I absolutely am hating having to explain my actions and things I do to a man I am no longer married too. We should not even be living in the same house but for circumstances which are out of both our control we have to for awhile longer. It makes it tougher all around. Im tired of explaining myself period, seems people already have it in their head what they want to believe or what they think they know... so why bother. Like I said, I always feel like I am a burden to everyone all the time. Words hurt people.

So, on the way to moms yesterday, some trucker was driving like a maniac and I had to swerve from being hit .... Then out of no where, the thought pops into my head that "well, if i got killed that would probably be a big relief for alot of people" Why would I even think such a thought? I don't know where it came from at all, but it bugged me.

Then today.... I realize where it comes from. Words have beaten me down.

It's tiring trying to climb up after being knocked down repeatedly and repeatedly.... Good thing now I have help up that mountain, because I would've just fallen.

Onto a brighter note, I took some pics of Savannah at Thanksgiving and thought I would share
Happy Saturday
The sun is shining....still

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


Hi, happy Wednesday. =) prayers still for Melody of Melzies Monologue.. her son Jordan is very sick, but today was moved out of ICU. He's having some memory loss, but is improving. So YAY!! Keep saying prayers for him. Melody is the most amazing woman I have ever in my life met. Caring, compassionate and whatever comes her way, she triumphs. I wish she lived closer. I still remember the first time I met her, we had such a great time and as her and Danny were getting in the van, we were all waving. I started crying and looked at her and she was in the van crying too. I love her. She will be in my life for ever. When I or her win the lottery we are going to go invade Amish country get our quilts and a winnebago and travel the US...
One day Melody Little, we will go on our trip. One day.

Hmm... Well, last night, my ankle started swelling up.. I did nothing to it other than switch from the street walking to the treadmill.. this morning it was still swollen. I got up and cleaned the house from top to bottom through a horrendous stomach ache. GAG. Then still swollen. Hung curtains in Juans room, mopped floors. Took a puter break, went out and walked a mile on the street. Still swollen. Hmmm..

Kids are all home for Thanksgiving break. Juans at Chriss. His friends have been staying more here. Since there's not anymore tension between Kyle and I, it's an easier time to have people over. God, I remember one day Anthony had his friend Joey over and we were going at it and UGH i bet Anthony was so embarrassed. So, it's nice now all that tension is gone. All his friends call me mom and say Love ya!! so it's cute!

Umm.......... today got my divorce dissolution.. So we are no longer married. That's really all there is to report.
Life is really, really good.
I can't complain.
The sun is shining.
Happy Wednesday and Enjoy your Thanksgiving.
Remember to say prayers for Jordan

Monday, November 24, 2008

Happy Monday

Owoooooo! Happy Monday!! It's raining out... Yesterday was a nice day so I walked around my hood! YAY! This morning I woke up to rain and cold and thought mall/treadmill.. Treadmill won! I usually avoid the treadmill because after I get off of it and my dizziness problems... usually throws me into a tail spin of anxiety. But got on... Alternated jogging for 5 min, walking for 5 min... did it on an incline. Man, I feel pull and tightness in muscles I didn't when walking around the blocks or in the mall. I feel good. Did it for an hour! So YAY!! I did have some anxiety after I got off, but once I got the feeling off, Im settling down. It feels so good to work out, If I don't do it, I find myself not being able to get it out of my head. My clothes are falling off. =) I'm loving it and its coming off slowly, but I didn't put it on overnight, so it's not gonna come off overnight.
Even though it's raining. The sun is shining.
Life is good
Very good.
Happy Monday!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Confessions of a first time mall walker

Okay, I tried to walk the hood yesterday afternoon, but it was freezing and snow. It didn't work out. I devised a plan... I'll wake up in the morning, get Savannah off to school and go......... MALL WALKING insert flashing lights and cool sound effects in there when saying that.

.... I get to the mall.... I had no flipping clue mall walking was a cult of sorts for senior citizens. It was worse than Krogers on Wednesdays. I felt so out of place. Had my purse, my green tea, my ipod....

I merge into the oncomming traffic... there were so many people in matching pants and jackets, I started checking them all for sponsor patches. I expected to see Metamucil sponsors or oat bran... but nothing. I didn't know how the mall walking worked. The confusion on my face must've been obvious because a lil lady walked past me, very quickly I might add, then turned and came back to me...

"Are you new here" she says... "Aye!" I say... So she gives me the low down on how many times is a mile and every nook, every cranny. Told me I was going to burn up in my clothing, my shoes were the wrong kind for that floor and that she had a cherry tomato hemorrhoid on her rear end, so she's doing all the walking she can before the removal of her bodily fruit. "Alma" seems to have a ton of friends around here, they are all talking to her in some 'wall malking' code LOL and she's fast......after she fills me in she takes off.

Was like a Derby.. This lil man on a walker leaves me in his dust and catches up to Alma and her cronies... I wish I had my camera.. It was so packed... I get behind this one lady and her hubby I guess, I couldn't pass them at my pace, but OMG she kept passing SBD farts... I was in her wind and omg I don't know what was wrong with her, but omg.... I would pass her and then she would pass me and pass gas at the same time... I have a very easy gag reflex and started gagging and trying not to throw up... So they all turn to go down a corridor, I don't go down the corridor to avoid the stink bombs... Alma pokes her head out behind a Trout of Northern America Calendar and tells me that I need to do the corridors... How do I say.. Um Alma.. the lady keeps passing gas... So the lady catches back up.. Alma pats her on the back and says "Petunia, good to see you" ..... Okay is it a joke that fart lady is named petunia or is her name really Petunia? I break away from Alma and Petunia and move a lil faster....

2nd time around, Alma was right my feet are killing me... I open my phone to check the time... Here comes Alma... "You need one of these " She says pointing to the gadget on her arm with a clock, radio, blood pressure and who knows pill dispenser... I was not amused...
On the 2nd time around I slowly started feeling the urge to go to the bathroom... OMG I was following these people developing their habits... I saw the food court up ahead.. All the men gathered at a table, one chair empty.. All of them right in front of Victoria Secrets probably oogling over the panties in the window. All of us walkers are heading the same direction ... to the bathroom. My Gosh, I have old people bladder... Wait in line, toilets flush.. round 3 begins.

I was burning up hot, Alma was right... She comes past me again, "you need to leave your purse in the car" Under my breath I whisper "Shut up Alma, you have a mater' growing on your ass " My feet were killing me... Alma mater' ass was right. Then low and behold behind the same trout of Northern America Calendar comes Petunia... She is in front of me... this time lets loose an audible fart... I thought I was going to vomit on myself. I eventually make it past and then get closer to the food court and OMG I have to pee again.... The same group of ladies and mens all head for the restroom again. It is for certain, I now have old people bladder.

So I come out of the bathroom, the mens all still oogling at the VS pannies... one chair still open... All this place lacks is bingo balls and a caller... I head out for another lap, no petunia, no alma... Ahhh.. Quiet walk. I spot Santa off in the distance...I say good morning to him as he is preparing to sit in his chair for the day. He says "Ya mall walking?" I say "indeed" He says "I never mess with em" Evidentally he's met Alma and Petunia..

So I enjoy my last lap, come to the food court to close out my mall walking trip... the same group of men... In the empty spot ALMA... She is the mall walking cult leader. Kinda like the Hale bop of the mall.. I did not want any of their kool aid. My bladder full again.. I run to the restroom again..... then decide to leave before I develop menopause....

I hate cold weather... I miss my hood walking. Not sure if I will go back for more mall walking. May have to go at a different time.

Happy Friday.
Good luck having the mater' cut off your rear Alma...
Petunia... See a Dr about whatever died in your rear.
Life is good..
The Sun is Shining

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Howdy!! not much happening. Been colllllld out. Couldn't walk yesterday with the chest cold and all so I did dancing with the stars DvD.. Hmm is all i can say about that. My treadmill is down in Kyles room and won't fit in mine so argh!!! Today was warm enough to walk, so I donned my walking shoes once again and off I went. Did almost 2 miles, but got to where I was coughing so bad I called it quits. It's totally amazing how after that becomes a habit you really feel guilt and stuff when you don't do it. Yesterday it was on my mind all day over and over like I gotta do it I gotta do it. 21 days i think they say to form a habit! Argh!
Um.... getting ready to shower I suppose and the kids will be home from school soon. Savannah wanted her hair curly again. Boy thats rough business getting a formal hair do at 7 am every morning. I think I'm going to buy her some cool new barettes or something. Um... lets see..... Puffs with lotion ROCK.
Life is good
The sun is shining indeed

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

An addition to Tuesday

Have to share something with you guys that I LOVE LOVEEEEEE. As you guys know Melzie, I have talked about Melzie a ton, I met her on line when we were pregnant with our babies and have actually met in person a few times.
We both members of a Yahoo group called Freecycle, basically its area based and people give away stuff they don't need and stuff stays out of the landfills. I have given so much stuff away on there, that I would otherwise thrown in the trash.... Anywhoo... Well, me and Mel have kinda "bonded" over peoples spelling and grammer errors. Us being the Scrabble champions we are... well... Some of it is hysterical. So now its just a game to us and we fwd the bad spelling ones and make stories up about them. It started with a lady offering up some Ciggrate (cigarette) coupons and some Goonites (good nites) then gosh it turned into so much stuff and we always incorporate our ciggrates and goonites into it... Like a couple days ago someone was in need of a Waher (washer) she did not know it was spelled with an S because she mispelled it through the whole email. today it was some Free Dented can Reed kidney beans. So I send her an email telling her I will need a waher to wash my goonites cause Im gonna eets me some reed kidney beans... There have been Overhauls left on the front porshe... Anyways, I stay subscribed to Freecycle now just for the spelling....
Had to share because I look forward every day to people misspelling so me n mel have something to email about.
Off to smoke some more Ciggrates, put my goonites on and eet my reed beans. Then I'll have some more dirty goonites for my waher. It will be okay cause I got some overhauls off a front porshe.
Happy Day.
Watch your spelling, you could end up on our list.

Tuesday =)

Feeling a weensy bit better. Gonna clean today I suppose. Got up and Savannah decided she wanted curly curls... Well... lets just say I spent an hour this morning curling each lil curly curl. She wore her Little House on the Prarie dress as she called it. She usually likes to be Mary, but today she wanted to be evil Nelly... So Nelly it is. She looked adorable.
I have already been to the grocery and starting on my/Savannahs bedroom. It was already clean, but Im tidying up more.
Juan got suspended from school. A boy started a food fight with him, threw chili all down his back... Juan got very mad, threw broccoli cheest at the boy, the the boy hit him in the face with something. If you know Juan, you don't throw or touch the kids face... Well, Juan pushed him... The one boy got suspended for 5 days, Juan for 3. I'm not too happy about it and going to make him a very long chore list to keep his school hours busy.
Happy Day.
Life is good
Dianna Lynne

Sunday, November 16, 2008


Still sick. Yes, that's right. Yesterday I reached my frustration point with this flu. I can't quit coughing, my voice is GONE GONE GONE. Grrrrr. Over a week I have had it, anytime it can leave now and it will NOT hurt my feelings. Just moved my puter up to my room. The boys puter desk was about to crash to the floor, so I gave them my desk so now they can sit in the living room and watch TV and compute.
Yesterday was my baby boys birthday 14 years old. YAY! =) We went to moms for a very small party. Him and his friend Patrick stayed all night there. I came home laid in bed and was out ouf it. I don't even remember much of yesterday. Coughing, I remember that.
Happy Sunday.
Love to all.
If any of you want this flu, I will share.
Di =)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

We Wed Wednesday

Still sick, grumble grumble. This morning every time I swallowed felt like golf balls were in my throat.... Had to go back downtown to court. Circled downtown for 30 min having to pee, looking for parking. Parked illegally walked 6 city blocks to go to the court house and ran to the restroom. I liked to never of made it. That was rough, I tell you what.
Finished all my papers, turned in my certification for the classes.... Was about to put them in the F 8 box when the clerk was coming to pick up that box and take them to the judge and they took my lil papers with them.
So, I'm officially done doing stuff. Karen said she did hers in same time frame and hers was finalized on Dec. 11, so we shall see. Either way it's done.
WoW has been down for 2 days. I have been so bored. Walked a lot, cleaned alot and been sick alot. Guess Ill go find something to do.... not many options with the rainy yuck weather. May be a movie day.
Happy Wednesday.
Life is good.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Howdy on a Tuesday

Hmm not much goin on today high lighted my hair, well had someone do it for me I should say. Man it's amazing a lift you get from doing something small. That took a couple few hours, came home ate lunch then went on a LOONG LOONG walk in the freezing cold drizzle. Brrrr. Only did 2 miles abouts today. With my cold, I didn't really feel like being out in the muck.
Tried to go to the court house to finish up my divorce stuffs..... Well, it's veterans day.. They are closed.
Happy Veterans day
Happy Tuesday
Life is wonderful.
The sun is indeed shining

Monday, November 10, 2008

Tis Monday

Im sleepy...zzz this cold doesnt seem to be improving, just moving to different areas. My throat is wicked sore and my voice is going. Sigh.
The divorce class went great. Got my stuffs, turning it into the courts tomorrow.
Yesterday went to moms, then to my aunt sues, then Savannah wanted to go to the mall. Juan wanted to meet his girlie friend there and his friend Patrick had stayed all night.... So me and Savannah covered the whole mall, she's a true blue shopper. Ooof!! Juan, Patrick and his girlfriend I guess walked around and did their teen thing. Anthony didn't want to go.. I can't get him out of his PJs lately. He pretty much does nothing but guitar hero. I recognize it, depression. Been there, done that. So gotta work on trying to get him out of his funk.
After the mall, I came home, Kyle took Savannah out and I played WoW and then crashed. Was a long day.
Today I woke up, have cleaned some, went and walked for over an hour. Getting ready to shower. The kids will be home soon and need to plan some supper.
life is good.
Happy Day

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Have had

Savannahs cold/flu..whatever it was. started with stomach stuff, then nose, throat, fever... yesterday I laid in bed alot. Have to go to that class this morning. I don't want to. It being court ordered, I have no choice. My head is killing me. I'm tired. Wahh.
I just want this cold gone gone gone. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Happy Day

Thursday, November 06, 2008


This week has flown by. Went to post office this morning and shopped at Walmart for awhile. Washing all my bed covers. Mopped the floors. Ate lunch. Going to go out walking. It's a nice day and fixin to turn very cold. Enjoying it while it lasts. I'm over yesterday. I can't deal with everything I have on plate and then worry about what people are saying about me or thinking about me. I know what happened, Kyle knows what happened. I don't really care anymore.
Happy Thursday
Life is Good

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

How do rumors get started?

Okay, I wasn't going to blog about this at all, because frankly it's no ones business but my own and Kyles... But seems rumors are getting out of control. I'm not sure who started them, but I am putting them to an end right now.

I NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER had an affair on Kyle, I was extremely loyal to him for the 12 years we have been together. Even in the last 2 when we have had the worst ride of our lives, I never talked to, nor slept with anyone. Not even Kyle...

If you hear something.... Think of the source... Think of what context things are heard in.. Think would Dianna really do that? I went without intimacy,kissing.. you name it... for almost 2 years and NEVER EVER EVER even considered an affair.

I wll not go on a date, actual date like going out and doing whatever it is you do on dates, until my divorce is final.

Our marriage was always filled with alot of stress and alot of arguing. On both ends it got to where too many bridges had been burned and our children were being severely affected by the arguing.

If I am talking to someone now.... that is totally within my rights to do so. I will not meet, nor be with anyone intimately or otherwise.... ANYONE..... until my divorce is final and have prided myself on doing so and really worked hard at maintaining my reputation. Seems its always assumed that someone just had an affair, but sometimes things just dont work out. Its not always the womans fault... in this case things just didn't work and too much aruging. No adultry.. No affairs. I have heard it from more than one source (a few actually) and I am absolutely disgusted that anyone would think such a thing.

Grumble Grumble......

I haven't left the house in over a year, and it burns me up that anyone would think that. I Have laid in bed and cried night and day for over a year at my unhappiness and again for anyone to even think such a thing. Makes me ill.

Grumble Grumble......

Happy Wednesday

Been busy this morning. zzzzzzzz. I have Savannahs cold and it's messin with my nose. Achoo. O.o
Savannah went back to school today as did the boys. She's feeling alot better, but still got a wicked bad cough.
Went to a lil Dollar store this morning... then to Kroger for some groceries. Then to best buy to pre order WoW.. they were out, then went to Game stop, then to Target.. I'm home, trying to decide whether or not to clean again and do laundry or sit on my butt.... I could always shower.
Happy Day.
Life is good.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Been busy today

Putting away summer clothes, packing up stuff I know won't be used until after I move. I got up at 8:15 and haven't stopped since. Cleaning out Savannahs dresser and closet, getting her winter clothes out. She's feeling better today, but anytime she gets up and moves around, she gets a horrendous cough. Yesterday, since Daylight savings time, it got dark early. I couldn't walk early because I was with Savannah and the boys were gone, so when Kyle got home I went out to walk. Johnny came by and I came in and talked to him for a bit then went back out walking in the dark. It was kinda nice walking at night. Gave everything a bit more interest. Seeing the houses I pass routinely at night, seeing the moon instead of the sun. I think I'll go back again at night. Was a very nice switch.
Life is good.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Melzie tagged me

Top 7 websites I go to... Hmmm

One is my email Im always checking me mail. Of course i gotta play my WoW
Melodys Blogger
This Blogger
Um... 1 900 spank ME LOL jk... i dunno I guess hmmm my photo blog

Not sure if I like

this Daylight Savings Time business. It's almost 5 and about dark. Savannah was sick all last night and sick today. I took her to the Dr. Ears infected, sinus infection, respiratory infection.... She has ran a fever all last night all this morning and all this afternoon. We came home from Dr. and crashed and burned. She woke up for a bit then crawled in bed with me and we slept some more. I hate when she's sick. :( Nothing else going on.
Happy Day

Saturday, November 01, 2008


The totally cutest witch ever
This is Savannah on Halloween. I told her to make a real scary face LOL. She's too cute to be scary. Getting ready to go to those divorce classes. 3 hrs this saturday and 3 hrs next saturday... then Kyle has to go 3 different nights with Savannah. Poor Savannah gonna get 12 hrs of classes. Then that goes to the judge and divorce can be granted.
Not much else happening. Just hanging out, walking, sleeping, dogs barking.
Have a Happy Saturday.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Toofs (or lack thereof)

She is soooooooooooo stinking cute with no teeth. I almost wish she could stay like that. Makes my heart skip a beat everytime she smiles at me.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Happy Sunday

Hi. Happy Sunday. Today has been okay I guess. Very long. I'm very tired. Yesterday the tooth I went to the dentist for broke. Imagine that.... So I call them, they tell me they can fix it tomorrow. Oookk..
Happy Sunday

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Happy Thursday

Awww Tooth relief. Went to the dentist. I had too...... I had very bad infection and had to have a root canal blah blah blah. This one went so easy, I dont know if it was because i was in so much pain or other reasons. I wasn't even scared. Went to bed very early, got all rested. Taking enough antibiotics to kill a small horse, but hey!! I feel better. Things are going okay lately. Yesterday first day in over a month I did not exercise, I feel so much guilt gonna double time it today. Gonna do 2 miles this morning then try for 3 this evening.
Happy Tuesday
Sarah I sent you an email darlin but not sure if i Had the right addy. I wanna talk to you. Love you much.

Happy Day

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

If I live to be 101

I will never forget what was done for me this morning. Ranks up there pretty close with the nicest. Definitley ranks top as the sweetest. Simply amazing.
Thank you.
Love =)
And Yonkerbelle

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it,
And look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

All of us under its spell,
We know that it's probably magic...

... Have you been half asleep? And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
... Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm s'posed to be...
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Laa, da daa dee da daa daa,
La laa la la laa dee daa doo...


Up all night with a toothache. It hurts so bad I can't even focus.
I'm sad.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Sleepy this morning. Savannahs back to school. YAY! No more fever or sicks. I kinda got a bit of her cold, but not too bad. Just enough to be annoying at times. Going to clean all morning. I need to get some boxes to start packing up some of my belongings. As much as I have moved in my life, I should be used to it. I am very tired of moving. Lets see if I can recount all my addys....
Tallow Lane
E. Washington street the 808 one
E. Washington street the 1401 one
Rochester Drive
McKinley Drive
Taylor Blvd
E. Kentucky Street
Ft. Knox
San Antonio, Thousand Oaks
E. Kentucky Street again LOL I see a pattern developing
Ft. Belvoir VA Meeres Road
Back to Ky I think this time on Emil Ave.
Center for Women and Families
S. 6th street
Washington park the first one
Washington park the second one
Mackie Lane
Sam Drive
Invicta Ave

I think that may be all of them. Now one more to add to the list.
Okay, I gotta go clean. Just trying to update more frequently because I get alot of emails wondering if I'm okay. Good days and bad days as so it goes with anger.
Today is a good day.
Happy tuesday.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Secrets, Words and Hiding.....

This is probably going to be long. So I forewarn you.
Many who know me, know I keep secrets. Many, Many, Many secrets. Even Kyle I lived with for 12 years has told me that I am emotionally numb and share nothing and I withhold affection etc.
No one really knows me.
My aunt came and walked with me last week and she was really concerned about the things I keep bottled up and don't share. It's hard. I'm tired of it.

The reason I do it, has been proven to me over and over. You give someone a part of yourself and you let them in. Give them information thinking that you can trust them. Especially when that person is your husband. One fight and they kick all your personal stuff right back into your face.

This thing with Kyle... Way back when we spoke of getting divorced a year and a half or more at the zoo... Words can not be erased. The words he and others have said to me stick in my head. It was much easier being hit. Much. Pain was overwith faster and I wasn't left with the junk in my head.

Kyle on several occassions verbally has beat me down so bad that I was left in the bed crying for days. He knows this. He will admit to it. He has apologized for it. Sorry, may be a temporary fix, but it doesn't erase the words. Today, this morning was a perfect example of that.

He has made references more than once, about me being a bad mom. Those are the ones that hurt the most and I spend time after time after time in my head trying to replace the words I hear from him. Words from each fight stick out in my head. When Kyle and I first met. I had no computer. NONE. Zip. Zero. I was in an apt run by the battered womens shelter. I had No money. I hadn't a pot to piss in. I have journals and journals of me writing about how hard things were. How I had trouble every day just driving a mile to get Anthony from school. I have a disability. I have anxiety and panic disorder. It is real and it has slowly destroyed my life. He married me/dated me knowing this. I could not go to many school plays. I had no computer. I sat home, upstairs in anthonys window watching the cars go by, crying and writing in my journals about how I wish I could be out there. My computer Kyle was watching out that window. How many times when we were together did you come home and find me watching out that window?

We move out to Washington park. Again no computer. I still have trouble even getting my kids a block away. Sometimes on good days I take them bowling, we go out. Stuff like that. Not to mention the fact from the very day that I met Kyle I have been in severe financial distress. I tried working at Fantastic Sams... Tried and tried, but I got so dizzy that I kept almost fainting. Again... You think you were disappointed. Amplify that by 20000 and imagine the guilt I feel upon myself.
Sometimes at Washington park I would have a good day. I could walk up and down the walk way or do this and that. It took me 5 full years of going to the store a little bit at a time, to just NOW, just this year, be able to go and stay and not worry every aisle if I am going to have a panic attack and have to leave. Do you know what its like to panic going through the store? I think now you know. Good thing for you, yours was only temporary.

So....... Here I am. 20 notebooks deep in writing and watching out the window about how I can't do anything. I feel so much guilt because I can't give my boys the life they deserve. I sit and I cry. Cry. I have cried probably almost every single day. Not many pass when I do not. Depression. It's real.

So, back a few fights. Kyle and I were arguing. The personal attacks comes. The thing about that one that stood out other than the screaming. Is someone screaming at you...he was mocking me or what have you saying... "Oh I can't take savannah anywhere because, i might have a panic attack, I might get dizzy" It was done in the most hateful voice, whining like at at the top of his lungs. I hear it and I see it over and over and over and over. A few weeks later Karma came to bite him in the ass, he had panic attacks so bad and depression so bad, he could not get up off the couch. He would have them wake up throwing up. Do it for 12 years straight......... then you have someone make fun of you for it. It KILLED Me insdie. KILLED Me. to have someone who is supposed to support you take the thing you hate most about yourself and just throw it in your face. You know it's real. You know I didn't fake my anxiety disorder. I wouldn't throw away my whole entire life to get out of going to a school play.

Again Words....

So the time comes and we get a computer. Do you have any idea what a computer is like to an anxious person who not only has no money but no social life? It becomes a world opened up and someone to talk to.

I met my March Mommy group. From that point on I started playing the computer alot. Funny... nothing was said when I was watching TV all those years, it just happens when I socialize... Computer is used against me also. Those March mommies saved my life. I didn't feel like a nobody anymore. I was encouraged to get out and try stuff. Alot of them struggle with some degree of panic, anxiety and depression. Most of us suffer from extremely low self esteem. But the thing is, we all.....ALL are there for each other. Even after 7 years. Friends. Something I lacked before.

2 years ago I started playing Toon Town. That was also used against me. Again, people I had fun with and that made me laugh so hard. I have a husband that comes home from work and immediatley would sit on the couch and sleep. We watch a movie... He sleeps. No attention. I have blog entries from years back about how I wake up crying in the middle of the night and I am extremely lonely. I tried explaining this to Kyle. It did of no good. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. I was lonely. So I played Toon Town. Now, I play WoW.... It's like an extended family on there also. We have so much fun, laughing, goofing off...... and it's time I'm not spent crying.

So this last fight a few things stick out over and over and over and over. Words go swirling in my head that I have a hard time replacing. One is when he went to the refrigerator and said, when was the last time you put food in here? I rescued your sorry ass out of a shelter and somehow I wrecked YOUR Life? That line is the one that gets me the most... Im not sure if you thought you could be some sort of hero. First of all...... I wasn't in the shelter when you met me. I was in a housing program they ran, i paid 27.00 a month for an extremely, nice huge townhouse. YOU encouraged me to move to Washington park and get out of there so we could live together etc. You didn't rescue me. I was making it on my own. Did you think somehow you would change my anxiety attacks? If you haven't figured it out by now... its done with love, compassion and caring, not hateful words and not yelling at me. That made me worse.

The other thing is when he nicely walked over to my computer and said "Savannah isn't your world....... this is your world right there"
.... Maybe to some degree it is a HUGE part of my world. It was one of the first places I ran after that fight for some support from my friends. It is sadly all I have. Would anything be said if I watched movies all day? I'm confused on what it is I'm supposed to be doing. I clean ALOT... I take care of the house... What is it Im supposed to be doing?

Only few people know what I am going to write below. So to the rest of you SUPRISE... Things are that bad

You know, I have spent days and days off the computer. When you have a girl. Me. Who has no money unless she makes some from pictures, cleaning etc..... What do you expect me to do? How many times has your WIFE run out of gas taking Savannah to the bus stop because she didn't have enough gas to make it a block. Did you offer ever to give me any money? I think I recall in 12 years you have never given me money that wasn't asked for. Ever. And even asked for you have given it to me a few times. I'm not saying I'm miss perfect at all, but I'm giving my reasons of why it is I'm in the position I am in. Yet chastized for it. So every day for over a year and a half, my car has been on empty or below. What do you suggest I take the kids to do? No money, no gas??? Anthony and Juan are above board games. They want to be with their friends. The past 4 years I have made so many strides in overcoming this anxiety disorder. I haven't missed many school functions til lately when I have to pick and choose what to do because every time we get it the van we argue. I have come so far with my anxiety stuff. Im not fully there, but depression has now taken me over. This year I have been on the computer way more than others... One fact you didn't know is, it was to keep from arguing. If I am removed from the situation and focused on something else... I can not argue. We all have had enough in this house. Now I just go for walks.

When someone can monopolize a childs time, because they have money and resources to do so, it leaves another person feeling like total crap. So Kyle can take her to Six Flags.... He has gas to get there and money to do that stuff. I do not. I have 2 kids that do not have lunch money at all. They go to school and most of the time do not eat breakfast and then they go without lunch. They both come home and go to eat something. The good stuff is hidden for savannahs snacks or lunch.... so they eat whatever they want. Then Kyle gets home and a fight breaks out about they eat everything in the whole entire house. About the comment about putting food in the fridge, I went to the store more than you thought I did. I bought all the stuff to clean with. Every single bit of it. Let me tell you that stuffs not cheap. I went once a month and bought groceries.. I did what I Could. I worked my ass off just to be able to do that. Then to use it against me. I remember stuff being hidden food wise at my dads... but my mom never ever hid our food. I never got into trouble for eating anything.... So that concept of the fights that break out over my kids eating in this house make me stark raving mad and I had no clue what to do about it.

Stress. Anxiety. Words. Juans been wearing the same pair of old contacts because He's too afraid to ask his dad to buy them. The root canal costed a fortune. Anthony has had the same shoes for 2 years but doesn't even open his mouth to complain becuase he knows I do not have the money. The day before school, this year, he sat down in the rocker next to me and I was crying and he said "Momma, I don't need new shoes, I can wear these ones" no complaints. Nothing. It was a relief. I had done some senior pics, one set didn't work out... So the extra money I had been counting on, didn't pan out fully. Leaving me scrapped.

This past year has been awful for me. The mold made me really, really sick. It took away a year of my life, combined with anemia. Did I get up and move much? Probably not. Ever try anemia on? Combine it with anxiety and depression. There was a point earlier this year. First time ever in my life, I wanted to just take a bottle of pills and never wake up. That thought scared me, that things were that bad, that I had wanted to die. I figured my kids would be better off without me. Its hard to get your life straight when you have so much coming at you and more people throwing words upon words at you. That feeling lasted awhile and I apologized to God over and over again. I would never do it, but wanted to. I wanted to die. The guilt I feel about not having the money to take my kids out to eat or to fun places is extreme. It's easier to take one out than it is to take 3 out. Savannah and I have developed our own thing. Just because I can't monopolize her time with money doesn't mean I can't or don't love her.

Every day we sit around the table and pray together. Somedays she doesn't wanna say prayers, but I will say mine and usually she will come around if I bless the geeky dogs and she will combat my geeky dog prayer with her, good dog prayer. We have been praying together for years. It's just not something I share with anyone. I didn't ever know that I had to. I thought they were private moment shared between a mother and child. Til the time comes when comments are made about how nothing is done with the children.

Savannah and I every day sometimes the boys write little notes on the board to each other. Juan, I sneak into his back pack and write him notes to have a good day or I hope that he's doing okay. He has anxiety attacks at school. So I figure it might put a smile on his face to see a note from mom, being goofy. Lately I schedule my walks at times I know Juan will be out.... Me and Savannah start out and we walk. We sing a song and dance down the block. I drop her off at jannas to play with her and the twins. On my 2nd time around, I see Juan off in the distance, I start to smile as does he.... we make goofy comments from a distance... then as we get closer we hug each other and love each other. Just a moment between us. I look forward to them. Then Savannah on my trips around, I stop and hug her and we share gum. Little things that are free.

Every morning this summer, I would wake up before Savannah and I would kiss her on her head, sometimes pick her up and hold her. Rock her. We would tell each other stories. Again Loved her.

Anthony and I have a music connection. He sits at the kitchen computer and I at the living room one and we will discuss songs, he will play his guitar and I will tell him my feed back on it. Anthony has a pretty tough wall up. A lil harder to joke and cut up with. He doesnt wanna do much with me anymore. If i ask him to go to the store or something, hes like no way. Hes got chicks, my space and joe satriani to contend with.

A comment was made during the last fight, about how one day savannah didn't have lunch and she had called kyles mom and his mom wanted to know why that baby didn't have lunch.

Funny, the one day I probably didn't make lunch, i get chastized for. Forget the 20 million i have made lunch for. Also funny about how nothing is ever said about the 2 that do not have lunch every single day.

All this comes from this morning.... Savannah is sick, fever, stuffy nose etc. In the middle of the night she had wanted to sleep with me so I took her in my bed. He walks in to check her forehead...I make a comment something like......What I can't see if my own daughter has a fever? He was just checking her head, but words all the words about me being such a bad mom....... My defenses kicked in. I got to find some way but the words are so powerful.

I know I'm not a bad mom. I have been here every day for my kids. WHen they get home from school, when they wake up, when they go to sleep. I have been here. I don't have the money to show them that way, but I do a ton of little stuff to show them that I do indeed love them. Just because I don't share everything about myself and for good reason. Doesn't make me a bad mom. You ever see the way the kids flock around me when I pick up my sketch book and pencils? They all get excited because I do draw well and they wanna see what Im doing. Savannah drew an I love you on the board to me and had a girl crying and I said savannah whats that? She said I love you and I drew you crying because you always are. I just want you to konw I love you so you dont cry anymore. Was sweet. When I cry about money, she's going to get her piggy bank and telling me I can have hers.

Sweet Savannah. The thing she says most about her in her prayers is for a real family to sit down and eat at the same table. So I make it a point now to eat 1 meal with her at the table. We have never ever sat down as a family to eat dinner. Ever. I can't recall a time.

Kyle and I both agreed that I would be a stay at home mom with Savannah. That's a sacrifice parents make both ways. Even then, I had to come up with my own money. I babysat, I cleaned. I remember at one time, i was making more than Kyle. Went to the grocery every single week, never asked him for money. When I had his car out would fill it with gas. Thats what a marriage is about. I never once complained about it. I bought all the kids shoes, i bought their toys. ALL of it. Paid half of every single bill. Paid half the rent. It even bothered Kyle at one point that I made more money than him. I never ever complained about picking up the extra stuff.

I think thats why they throw the line in the marriage vows about for richer, for poorer, for sickness and in health, in good times and bad. They are there for a reason because sometimes in marriage you do have to carry the other person.

The year I get sick and can do nothing, I am sailed down the river. Funny how the years I took more than my fair share of responsibility are forgotten. The worst year of my life being sick and broke is the one every one will remember. Unfortunatley I had no one to help me out. My mom did what she could do within reason. I was only allowed to sink. I'm not sick anymore. I have a good handle on panic attacks and I have an excellent support system. I have no doubts that I will be okay and never again will I put myself in such a vulnerable situation.

Words hurt. Id rather be punched in the face.

So off to try to dispell every bad thing I have heard with a good one....

All from an innocent fever checking.

If you get this far you need a cookie or something.

Happy Monday

Friday, October 17, 2008

Long Day

Lots of paper work. I signed my name sooooooooooooo much, my hand actually hurts. Divorce is filed. We have to complete FIT class (families in transition) then once the court is sent the paperwork that we attended the classes with the kids, the paper work goes to the judge and poof done.
I go on November 1st. Kyle hasn't made his appt yet. But we can not go on same day.
Not much else going on. That took literally ALL day. I'm wiped.
Came home, made some phone calls. Exercised. Now sitting on my butt. First time I Have sat down to relax all day. May go soak in the tub.
Happy Um Friday.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


I'm numb emotionally. Just got home from lawyers. Some people I don't see how they lay their heads down at night on a pillow to sleep. You have 2 kids that basically starve 5 days a week. 2 kids that have nothing at all.. Clothes, shoes... they get from others. Then you take and throw a big curve to the one that is trying to do what she can to help the 2 that are going without so much.... Maybe that is why you have so many anxiety attacks at night. I couldn't sleep with myself either....
Thanks.... Thanks... and Thanks again....
Hope you have sweet dreams and you lay your head on your pillow tonight with a clear conscious....

What comes around......... Goes around...
Like clockwork.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Tuesday Evenin

Doing alot better today. Tired as all get out, but much better. Yesterday wasn't a complete wash out. I went for an extremely long walk yesterday. LONG. There is this very old couple. I have to say they are in the 80s or there abouts... they were walking up and down their drive way. I stop to talk to them quite frequently. I always tell them I can't wait to see them hitting the road. Well.....Yesterday I come around the corner and see them on the road walking down the street. I stop and talk to them and the old man has something tucked under his arm. I say WOW you did it!! he pulls out this LARGE chilled bottle of whiskey and I say "what you got there?" He says "Honey this is my joy juice, when i get to the end of the block, I'm gonna need a few shots to get back home" Totally made me LOL!
Then an hour later, Savannah and her friends were walking with me. There's this little girl named Haley. She is absolutely adorable. I am walking telling Savannah to stay out of the road and such and giving her instructions. Haley says "Savannah you are lucky to have such a nice mom" I said well Haley I'm sure you have a nice mom too. She looks at me with these sad, sad eyes and said "My mom didn't want me when i was born, my aunts pass me around when they are tired of me I go to a different aunts" Broke my heart. Very, very sad. She's so sweet. Sigh.
Tonight I guess I'm gonna play on the net for a bit, get work I have been avoiding done. Just do stuff. We have appt with the lawyers at 12:15 and then the big appt friday. Wish me luck.
Happy Tuesday!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Mood owooooo

I'm in such a foul mood. It started last night and just so much anger build up and I don't know how to get rid of it. It's like I go through these periods after every fight and the words beat me down so bad where I am a zombie for a week and now I'm so angry I'm shaky. Gonna be a long day.
I need to clean today. I have no desire. I can't keep up on this house. I'm exhausted beyond belief. I'm still exercising,but yesterday I had to force myself every inch of the way.
Had to take Juan yesterday to finish yet another root canal. Grumble, grumble.
Kyle and I are throwing emails off to one another. I'm getting mad. I should just stop. I know I need to stop but holy fuck I'm so mad I'm in tears.
I can't go into full details on here of how bad things really are because it's not fair so I will vent in email to my girls. But God.
I wanna just hit the wall. Just punch it over and over again til this hurt and anger just passes. Make my hands feel as bad as my insides do. I can't make the internal pain go away. But I wanna feel it on the outside.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Lil update

Have gotten a lot of emails and stuff from alot of my readers... Thanks so much for your support and encouragement. You guys are truly the best.
Givin a lil update... Things are going suprisingly well for me. I am happy. I think alot of that is due to the exercise. I had written a friend of mine a really sad email about just at the end of my rope and he said to me "workout/exercise" he was right. I haven't missed a day in 26 or more days now. Not a single day. So thanks for that recommendation. =) I actually get nervous when I don't go... I feel like somethings unfinished.
Juan had a toothache, blah, blah, blah... lots of money... antibiotics and dentist visit... I guess it's fixed for now. Finish up his rootcanal on Monday.
Savannahs hair has been cut. Looks adorable.
Anthony is biding his time and saving any penny he can for the new guitar hero.
Opie and Claire are enjoying long walks, cool breezes and chasing balls in confined spaces.
Um... not much else to update... Doing well all things considered.
To everyone that keeps me on that track.. you are loved and I appreciate you more than you will ever know.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Frustrating day I spose'

Why Oh Why school is out so much is beyond me. My kids have been off since Friday, this coming after they were off a week from the hurricane. Normally, I don't mind. I love having them around. But, after the big altercation the other day, I haven't had a chance to unwind. Had they gone to school yesterday I would've spent the day crying and getting over what happened. I'm mentally drained. I need a few breathing seconds. Dishes, dogs, laundry... I woke up to a disaster this morning and I Just wanna sit down and relax and kids, kids, kids. Savannah has these neighborhood kids she plays with, so from the time she gets up its constant, non stop ... mom i wanna see alyssa and Leah. Not a break.... So today the anxiety attacks hit ... i have a 3 day window, panic stays away for 2 or 3 days after the stressful situation, then it unleashes upon me like no other. I have had panic attacks in waves all day... No place for a quiet spot. I'm tired. So I guess I gotta ride out the storm of anxiety, get up and finish cleaning, have the kids mess it all up again......... Keep the prayers coming.
I'm spent.

Monday, October 06, 2008

yesterday = mess

I won't air dirty laundry on here because frankly it's not much I'm proud of and it would serve no purpose really. But yesterday has to be one of the single worst days of my life. Was horrible, no good and very bad.
Most of the family knows... if not you will in a second... Kyle and I haven't been getting along for 2 years or so. Alot of arguing, alot of hostility and overall a horrible environment for the kids. No one person to blame, we both have contributed to things that have gone wrong. Yesterday reached a point that opened my eyes very hugely that we can't live in the same house and try to make nice until things are settled. We go on the 17th to submit our divorce to the courts. This isn't new, we just haven't told a whole lot of people, but those who are close know the extent of our problems. So I'm not really sure what will go on, who will go where, how it will go, but changes are being made. So keep everyone in your thoughts and prayers and most of all 3 children who were extremely hurt and scarred by yesterday and it shouldn't have happened. So keep prayers a coming that they can heal up.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Ipod Panic

Anyone who knows me, knows I am not a materialistic person by ANY means. I have very, very few things that are material that I cannot live without. My picture of my grandma, a shirt Jennie gave me and we trade it off every time we meet up, my broken toy soldier ornament and my IPOD. My beautiful friend Lois got it for me, I can't remember why or what or whatever the case. Anyways she gave it to me last year. Ever since then, it hasn't left my head hardly at all. I do not watch TV, very rarely. But my Ipod is my thing. This morning panic set through me. I couldn't find it. I was in tears after 45 minutes of looking for this thing. Every song on there, that means something to me.... My life...AUGH!!! Aunt Carol and I were talking on Saturday about furniture words, take my TV, Take my furniture, just do not take my Ipod. I will sit on the floor.
A nice prayer to St. Anthony.... THE BEST Saint ever... I found it =) some place I had looked 1000 times already. Such relief. So that made my whole day.
I keep looking over at it to make sure it's still there.
For the first time in a long time, I'm filled with some hope.
It's a nice feeling.
Happy Tuesday.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Oh Boy.....

Okay, For future reference, I will keep in mind, when having an obscure dream, it's best just to keep it to yourself....
We have all had intimate dreams at one time or another...Mine just happened to involve Jimmy Walker and when I looked at him, there was the teeth, and he said DYNOMITE. I woke up out of a dead sleep after he said that. It freaked me out. Of all people to come be in my dream, Jimmy Walker....It's understandable when it's Brad Pitt or Hugh Grant. I have been teased and teased over the past few days about my um dream choice. Thank you for all the kind words and pictures. Some are very creative with their art work. Don't forget, I have photo shop and I'm not afraid to use it.....
Have a happy Tuesday....Have a DYNOMITE Tuesday...
The new Miss Jimmy Walker =) LOL

Monday, September 22, 2008

It's Monday!!

Kids are FINALLY back to school after the hurricane stuff. YAY!!! I went out shopping for a bit... Came home.. cleaning. Been doubling up on the iron but my iron is still not up. UGH, it stinks. Did nothing all weekend. Went to moms. Did some haircuts. It feels like I never talk to an actual person, I had better start calling people so I don't forget how to speak!
Played chutes and ladders with Savannah yesterday. She wouldn't play with me again because I won. I tried and tried to lose, but I kept landing on ladders and her chutes. Basement is still a work in progress. UGH.
Did I mention school back in? YAY!!
have a great Monday all. Happy First day of FALL!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

My Grandma

My grandma passed away awhile back. Some 17 years or more ago. As my adult years roll on I find myself missing her more and more. So much. Today, Kyle and I had a huge argument, I threw my phone against the wall, I really never throw things. I think it's broke, I don't care. Either way I just sit here at the computer crying and crying. Have been for a few hours. She pops into my head alot. She never yelled at me ever. Not once. That's the thing that I miss the most, her kindness and love to me. She never judged me, never did anything but love me. She used to always ask me to go to church with her, but I don't why I didn't. I don't think I was old enough to drive. I don't know. Whatever the case, I would give my eye teeth to just go to chruch with her once today. The time I remember the most about going to church with her, whoever was driving us, we were in the car and we laughed so hard, I dont even know over what. But we were laughing and laughing. We had gone to McDonalds and I spilled hot chocolate all down my chest. I had this huge stain and figured we would have to go back home. Instead she took me into the bathroom, turned my shirt around backwards and gave me her good sweater. We walked in and we were joined elbow and elbow and she was taking me all around showing me to everyone under the sun. Her face was just beaming with pride. I remember after Sunday School she came got me and we went into the church for the sermon. During it, she picked my hand up and kissed it and then just continued to hold it through the service. She hugged me afterwards and she always smelled so good. It's now that I just wanna go to her and have her kiss my hand and hug me. My heart is absolutely broken because I miss her so much. She was my safe spot. I just love her. Unconditionally without question love her and miss her every day. So today when things are so bad, I just wish to go see her. Just for a second see her and just smell her, feel her arms around me, kissing me on the cheek. Kissing my hand. The things we take for granted in daily life.... the thing I miss most.
My constant.

Hello, Hello, Hello!

Trying to update at least weekly. Gets hard to do. We had the hurricane winds and OOF, they cancelled school all week. Oof and oof again. Everything was a mess. Nothing really going on here. Same stuff, different day but with nicer weather. Today I cleaned my house for ummm 7 straight hours. I'm beat. My legs are killing me. I moved furniture and what nots. Getting ready to go to sleep. I'm pretty exhausted. Boys are doing great, Savannahs doing great. Everyone is doing good. I'm doing okay too!! Can't complain!
Happy Wednesday

Tuesday, September 09, 2008


Haven't updated in awhile. O.o
Not too, too much happening. The other day a bat was stuck on the back of my car during day light. Freaked me out pretty badly. Gross. I have pics, I'll have to post. Juan has been doing really well at going to school. Grades are really good. Anthony I haven't seen him bring a book home yet, so we shall see how he is doing. Savannah doesn't like school much. Yesterday she went to school all day, got home at 4:45, had to be whisked off to dance at 5, came home about 7:30, Kyle was trying to help her with her homework and she just sat out there crying. She was so tired. I got mad and said she could do it in the morning. No need in having her cry. She hit the pillow and fell asleep.
My iron is way, way low. Boy, I feel it. I made the grand error of running out of iron and couldn't get any til recently. Oof and oof is it low. I can't describe it, it's like I can't breathe, if I get up to walk my muscles ache and the biggest indicator, bad leg cramps at night. I got some a couple weeks ago and have been double dosing but it takes 6 weeks. I need my energy back and really have to make an effort to keep iron.
Other than that stuff, nothing to report.
Happy Tuesday!

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

My lil baby boy

This is how he slept this morning =) Melts my heart. He is just the best dog in the world. I love him.
Happy Tuesday

Friday, August 29, 2008

Friday Friday!

Happy Friday everyone!
Haven't felt like writing or talking to anyone really.
Everyone's good tho.
Happy Friday!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Happy Sunday

We all have been sick. Juan and Savannah both missed some school time last week. Is it allergies, is it funk? Me n Savannah ran a fever. Um.......nothing else going on. Cleaned this morning, feel a bit dizzy. I wanna move out of the ohio valley. I wanna go to Arizona, smack dab in the middle of the desert with the dingos, the scorpions, tarantulas......I'd take them all to get out of the muck we live in. Gag.

Saturday, August 16, 2008


Good Lord have mercy, I didn't even have to check the weather to know that ragweed is in. I'm coughing, sneezing, eyes are bluchy. I feel miserable. Just to make sure it wasn't something else went to the pollen page and sure enough ragweed is very high. I have been off and on dizzy again. Grr. Since last September was the date I first got the dizzy virus, I am paranoid of that date coming up. Makes no sense at all, but it was that miserable that I do worry about it.
Anthonys birthday was on the 14th, we had to stay at moms had no power. Stress. Gotta love it.
Happy Saturday

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Bad Mood

I am in such a bad mood today. So much little stuff annoying me to death. Juan 2nd day of school already gone to missing the bus. Threw his school papers all over his room. Didn't bother to do his homework, as long as he is outside with "Chris who is home schooled COUGH COUGH" He wants to quit school when he is 16 to go into the lawn care business like Chris and his dad. So he doesn't need school. I wanna move away from here. Far, far away. I can not wait til that happens. Anthony liked shcool but lately is hateful as hell to everyone. Constantly screams at Savannah, if he is asked to do something goes off. Totally out of character. One thing I have noticed in this house is everyone thinks I should do everything. All of it. I had been keeping the laundry done every day and put away. The dryer broke. I can't get to the washer anymore. My basement has been turned upside down since June and nothing has been put back together I can't get into the room down there. All my stuff is down there. Someone looked for socks in there and instead of looking in the basket, what the hell, they just dump it over onto the floor. What's it matter I will pick it up. It will probably be 2010 before the toilet is put back in down there. It's in the bedroom down there. I wish I could do that stuff myself. It's frustrating. Everything is.
Happy Whatever Day it is

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Uncle Mike

Uncle Mike passed away this morning. It's very sad and I'm not really sure what to write. You take the nicest person you know and multiply it by 1000 and that's what type of person he was. Him and Savannah had a very special bond and not having him in her life growing up, is going to be a big loss for her. He loved showing her things. When we had come down to fish, his face would light up.
For those who do not know, he recently had been diagnosed with Colon Cancer. They did some treatments, it worked for awhile. It came back. He had surgery. Not sure what happened, at some point he went into a coma and passed away.
Savannah had a time capsule at her first birthday party. Everyone to leave her messages for when she's 18. I got the box out this morning and got out Uncle Mikes
It said........
Happy 1st Birthday!
By now you are driving, graduated from high school and planning for your future! I am 65 years old and probably gray haired, fat and retired! Ha! I enjoyed your 1st birthday party! You had a big time. Alot of your friends and family were there. We enjoyed playing balloons and the plastic ducks.
Enjoy life! Have fun! and be safe
Good luck with the future
Love, Uncle Mike

The pics above, for most of that day he took her around showing her things, playing with the ducks. He loved showing her things.
He will be missed.
Cancer sucks.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008


Tired on Tuesday. Not much happening. Have cleaned all morning but now am so exhausted I don't feel like I can move. I have been out of iron for awhile now and can't get any. I think my anemia is creeping back up. Esp after I bled for a few days with my tooth. Quite a bit even. I just sit here and my eye lids are so heavy. Gonna need some sleep for sure. House is all cleaned. Trying to make do without a dryer. With 3 kids, not easy. That's about it. All kids are ready for school. I'm ready for them to go back. I'm ready for the basement to be finished. Okay have a happy Tuesday.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Monday Morning

Howdy on Monday. I got my tooth pulled Friday.. Was scared, but did it. Was very sore for a couple of days, but today I can't even tell I had it done. The worry over it was worse than the actual process.... Everything is good and calm here. We have a fairly new dryer like 2 years old. It broke... Annoying.

Happy Monday

1. A person whom one knows, likes and trusts
2. A person whom one knows, an acquaintance
3. A person whom one is allied in a struggle or a cause, a comrade


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I'm a coward


It's summer....It's hot... I'm tired. I'm not feeling as good as I was when we came home from moms. Starting to just get plum wore out again.
Have to go have a tooth extracted Friday...I'm scared to death... I Have to have it done, it's bothering me a great deal. I don't understand why I have no courage. Sometimes I wish I could go see the wizard myself and he would give me some medal that would just make me brave. I'm so frozen by fear. I just sit around and think all the time at what I could be if fear didn't hold me down, but I can't seem to get out from it's grip. I don't know what to do. Sigh. It makes me terribly sad. The dizziness is starting to come back, I guess that I am going to have to accep the fact that I am probably going to be dizzy the rest of my life. The thought just kills me. The allergy pills aren't working, I'm always congested.. We live in the worst place in the world for allergies.

I hate the dizziness.... I just don't understand why it won't go away. I have been sleeping sitting up for a year. The one week I lay down, I have to go to the hospital with dizziness. HATE IT.



Sunday, July 20, 2008

KFC now with lesser sodomy??

Let's see if I can do this without laughing. My son wants to know what sodomy is..... " I can't tell you that around Savannah" Anthony says, "Well it's not like it's bad you see it on TV all the time on commercials" ... "where???"
Anthony..."you know the KFC commercials, their chicken now has less sodomy?"

Me thinks he needs to be taught proper pronunciation of Sodium... Making mental note!! Owooooooooooo!

and Owoooooooooooooooo!!!

and owooooo