Today, I'm having such a struggle with everything. Especially anger. Alot happened over the weekend. A huge huge degrading fest at 4:30 am. I won't go into details because it's extremely embarrassing and of course were just verbal attacks on me. Today I'm so angry. I'm so tired of being put down. I'm tired of everything.
When the verbal stuff happened the other night Juan and his friend Patrick were here and his room is right across from mine and it was so loud, I'm sure they heard every word cause Juan said they didn't go to sleep til 6.
I try and try to pull myself up and I keep getting knocked down because obviously Kyle doesn't think I feel bad enough about myself. Believe you me I hate myself enough for 20 people, I really don't need any help in that department. Anymore when he is around I get so anxious and just start sweating and shaking because I just wait for more verbal assaults. I wanna pull my hair out so bad and just scream because all I want is to be left alone.
The boys have picked up on this disrespect and are treating me awful. Anthony is so mean to me. Every day for 3 years he has to be told to let the dogs out after school. If I do not tell him he says he doesn't have to do it because I should have to ask him. Yesterday I decided to let them out since I was out that way. Today I say anthony let the dogs out. He didn't, I said Anthony let the dogs out... He says.. I don't do that anymore you did that yesterday I never let the dogs out thats your job.... Im like wtf????? every day for years you have had to let the dogs out in the afternoon. He goes on and on and on with me, back talking me and i said you need to watch how you speak to me. In which he responds, I dont need to watch anything to you because what i say is fine, no one else has a problem with me blah blah..... I just decide to walk away and I Had asked him to take out the trash... Did he do it.......nooooooooo so I say Anthony trash.... You didn't tell me which trash to take out, I took out what piece of trash i wanted too , you didn't specify which location of the trash I had to take out going on and on... So i said fine no computer for 3 days... What he says??? you are grounding me because YOU didn't specify which trash I needed to take out. I say its the way you talk to me.... again I talk fine to you you are the one who has the problem.... I took his cell phone from him to ... he went on and on arguing with me , insulting me telling me that he doesn't have to talk to me any way, he is fine. He needs to get a job and see how things are done in the real world. Hes almost 18 and has no clue at all how the real world works. He says no one ever takes him to get jobs, oh we have he just shoves the applications in his entertainment center. Im done, he's going to go get a job so he can see when someone asks you to do something, you don't do what you want to do, you do what you are told. They ate Savannahs Christmas cookies she made for her teacher, she was in tears this morning when they went to go get them and they were gone. Juan drink all my teas, my egg nog anything I buy for myself after they eat or drink theirs they feel obligated to go take everyone elses things. Lets face it, if it's there, they are going to take it. I was saving a whole bag of M and Ms I just went to go get them and they were completely eaten a 1 lb unopened bag and the bag shoved back in.
Anthony said he was hungry made 2 peanut butter sandwiches, then I go back a few min later he's got the stove on for a pizza, I say, wheres the peanut butter sandwiches, he says "Oh i fed them to the dog because i want something different" they know I Have no money for groceries and we have to save yet the dogs can have the sandwiches cause he wants something else.
No one in this house respects me. Probably because they continually learn the disrespect from others. Not only do i have to get the verbal stuff from kyle, i gotta get it from my own kids.
Im tired. Wipe the floor with me and add it on to every other thing I Have got on my plate.
Not to mention I was draining boiling water, it splashed up off a plate in the sink I know have 3 half dollar size blisters on my stomach.
I tried to cry, but I can't. After Saturday night/ sun morning I emotionally numb. A person has limits to how much stuff they can handle. I was past my limit mos ago.
I dunno what to do.
I don't care.
I give up.