Monday, December 01, 2008

My first date with Richard

Oh boy!! All I can say is we went to the Prom.......
Let me first start by saying, it's super cold outside, I cannot go for a walk out there. The treadmill gave me a stress fracture in my ankle and the mall is for farty bossy women with strange objects growing out of their ass... What's a girl to do?
I open up my cabinet and out falls a Richard Simmons DVD Sweatin to the Oldies... I was really debating on what to do, looking up indoor walking tracks online. Either way I had to exercise.
I open it up, see a song list... think to myself, this can't be so bad there's 11 songs, lets try it.

I have never felt an urge of geekiness in my whole life.. I went into Anthonys room, patted my dogs and pushed them out of the room and shut and locked the doors.

Not sure if the neighbors could see the outline of my body and hear what I was doing in there but I didn't care. By goodness I was goin on a date with Richard.

We started out by watching his mom get hauled off in a police car.. Okay, he uses humor that was funny... This may not be so bad.

Dancin in the street was the first dance of our prom.. Not bad.. I felt a lil like Steve Martin the jerk.. Couldn't quite get the rhythm down, really focused on just exercising..

Beyond the Sea comes on and my eyes and mind start wandering... "what the hell kind of clothes are these people wearing?" Okay, I get that it was filmed in the 80s. Did we really dress THAT BAD? hideous

On Broadway comes, I am noticing that the movements and songs are getting progressively faster.. he's no Jane Fonda and doesn't explain what he's doing, you just better hope like hell you can keep up and learn the steps..He incorporates this move that I found oddly fun "Sizzle Fingers" yes you heard that right "Sizzle Fingers" It's sick itself that I enjoyed them.

It's my party comes on, I am really just busting my butt getting into it, when all of the sudden what appears? This woman wearing bright orange whos boobs were totally out of control. Someone needed to stop those suckers. Man they were wild. I have never seen a pair of boobs that out of control in my life. Did they not have sports bras back then? Those boobs were a menace to a decent society.

Peggy Sue comes on, they moved swirvy boobs to the back and in her place comes a smiley boy. He's just happy. We start doing some leg moves and I notice that Richards legs are so nice. He wears those really, really short pants and my brain wanders to "Where's his wing wing at" I mean normal people it would flop out, how does he keep his under control and he really needs to share his tips with Wild Boob Hancock.

Okay, Great Balls of Fire comes on and I am ponying to the left and hit my hip on Anthonys bed... Instead of yelping in pain I start doing sizzle fingers!! Ahhhhh they work!! Anthony knocks on the door, "Mom, what are you doing in there" I reply "Sizzle fingers boy, let me be" Then the dogs start scratching and sniffing under the door. They must sense the fun in the sizzle fingers!

Wipe out comes on and I start feeling an odd tingling sensation in my rear. I can barely keep up, although I am at this point sweating... I have gotten over Jiggly boobs and quit wondering where his weenie is and focusing on exercising and sizzle fingers. I put them into places in the songs they dont belong. They are FUN!

Just when things can't get any worse, He's a Rebel comes on and I hear a motorcycle, a guy who looks exactly like the dead guy on Weekend at Bernies pulls up and drops a chick off to sing. Even sizzle fingers don't make sense of that weirdness in an exercise video.

Personality comes on and I notice we are getting slower, I look around for Wild boob lady and she has disappeared.. Im thinking she must've hit herself in the eye with her breast and had to be carried off by the dead Weekend at Bernies guy... Hmm where did she go? Looking for her was like looking for Waldo, I looked all over but never saw her through that whole song.

Aint no mountain high enough wraps up our "date" Richard on the floor stretching his legs... I slowly start to realize that I need to "Sizzle Finger" My way into a straight jacket quickly and get help.

I opened up the door to exit the room, both dogs laying on floor at door ears perked up and both head cocked looking at me! Hmph!

I sure wish warm weather would come back because nothing beats walking.

Sigh, skinny people don't know how lucky they are.

Happy Monday!
The sun is shining!!
Life is good
Orange boobies wildly swinging are bad!

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