Thursday, March 28, 2013

It's Holy Week =)

I am still waking up and reading my bible. This week I have read the gospel to align with Holy week and this morning I stopped right before the crucifixion. I know what happens, it still brings me to tears.

Yesterday I was watching The Passion of the Christ, sobbing and trying to put into perspective that if I, Me, I.......was the only person on the planet, he would've done that for me.

I have that overwhelming feeling lately of being un-loved and I think that God is trying to show me that He indeed does love me.

I can't grasp that and I don't feel that I deserve it. I had a long talk with God the other day about love. There are people in my life, old friends from church and such and I can totally see why God loves them. I can see why they are blessed, have lots of friends....... I get why God loves them.

Then I get to myself and it doesn't make much sense. I'm not as holy as those other people and on an hourly basis I am doing stuff wrong. There needs to be a bridge that connects that gap for me.

Maybe the answer lies in Jesus. Maybe he's that bridge.

God's been dangling a lot of opportunities with people in front of me. I say that I'm lonely and He puts people in my life, but I *choose* not to go that way and then I sit here again and pray for answers to my loneliness. I think He answers me. I think I reject those answers.

I try to turn to God and Jesus to fill my loneliness and as much as it pains me to say this, for whatever reason, it's never enough.

I think in human terms and I would do anything to avoid the pain that is inside of me.

I would rather hurt outside than feel that pain that surfaces up in my heart.

I really think that a change is coming and I'm not sure what it is. I'm starting to turn more of my life over to God once again and He has never given up on me. He takes nobodies and makes them somebodies.

He loves me too.

He loves me too.

He loves me too.

He loves me.

HE Loves me.

Have a wonderful Easter!

He has risen!!




Thursday, March 21, 2013

Feeling Better =)

Actually feeling a lot better. My friend Melzie has been reminding me to read my bible in the mornings and I think I may of beat her on reading it this morning =) I love her!

My life has been taking funny, crazy, confusing twists lately.

I have been trying to stay off the computer a lot. In the evenings is really when I do my "computing", the weekends I have been taking breaks and .........Wow......What a difference. Getting out and seeing people I haven't seen in awhile. Funnily enough I have been asked on quite a few dates, which has been very good for my very low self esteem. It's just weird the twists my life is taking.

It's like God is showing me a glimpse of my life before I started back on the computer. It's really drawing me to pull back more. Seems I get hurt a lot on the old mechanical box and feel a lot of guilt.

When I'm away, my life is different. I have plans for Saturday, going to think about plans for Sunday and I need to work on the weekday evenings more.


I can honestly say right now I feel happiness again.

Yesterday I felt a bit of heartache when someone told me I was keeping them from a "best friend".......Mind you their best friend repeatedly ignored me.....embarrassed me a bit when I tried to openly talk to them and yet still ignored me again. But that behavior against me is okay........I tried to be their friend, then crapped on me, but I get the guilt trip about it.

I was glad it only bothered me for about 30 minutes and other things started happening and I see that I'm not wrong on it, I deserve to be treated well and respected and if someone misses those who treated me badly.........Go back to them.

Not going to carry around anymore guilt.

I read Romans 8 yesterday to remind me of promises and remind me that there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ.

I'm going to be okay, I feel it =D

I'm worth it.

Oh and I lost almost 12 lbs =D I feel so much better about myself.

Have a great happy Day and MELLLLLZZIEEEEEEEEEEE I read Psalms this morning, I did it, I did it!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS My Melzie is the best friend a girl could ever have, she's my God connection. She sent me a statue of what she calls her and me. I keep it right on my dresser so I can see it. That's me and her playing Scrabble and talking. That's her speaking truth into my life that I never want to hear, but I know she's right.

I don't know what I would ever do without her!!


Moi =D

Monday, March 18, 2013

Tonight I Wanna Cry

So, my ex husband strikes again.

He punishes me for not loving him, by using my daughter against me.

For months he has known about a 3 day trip away from home (on my days of course)........No one ever asked my permission or told me.

He said, she said she told me.

That should've come from him. I should've been asked.

There was a meeting tonight to find out all the stuff about the trip, she isn't allowed to bring her back pack to my house......I had no clue about the meeting.

That's information I should be in on, not his wife.

No one even asked me. 3 days on her first trip away from home, after all that's happened to her......I'm not even asked, not even told.

Over and over again this happens.

I really wanted family dinners, I begged him and begged him to bring her over hungry. For 3 months I cooked dinner and every time she was over, he would say that she had already eaten.

No wonder I stopped trying, I shouldn't have to fight for things like this.

Not everyone thinks like me.

Puts up that fake front he does. I'm a hell of a guy.

Oh and I'm the crap weasel........every time.

Me, I'm the bad guy. Every time.

No wonder I never leave my room, I lose before I even walk out the door.




Wednesday, March 13, 2013


Randomness of thoughts, what ifs?

What good do they do?

What if I had a chance to do things over? What would I change? Can I still change things? Would I have the courage?

What if my life as I knew it was flashing in front of my eyes?

What if I had a terminal illness and my own mortality was staring me right in my face?

Would I be sitting in this chair writing this blog or even thinking about the internet?


What if I would have found God earlier and my marriage as in shambles as it was could've been saved?

What would I be doing today? Where would I be living?

What if I would've went to school and became the nurse that I wanted to be?

What hospital would I be working at?

What if I would've found God early, early in my life just before all of the bad stuff?

Would it of mentally screwed me up so bad?

What if my dad would've never married Mary?

Would I be over there visiting him right now and having the dad I have always longed for?

What if my mom would've never married David?

Would I of learned that not everyone is a crap weasel and been able to trust people.

What if Juan (big)never hit me?

Would I like people being physically close to me? Not wanting everyone to stay away?

40 years of what ifs and just a lot of sadness in my heart. So many people around me sick with cancer. Only a handful are mild, the rest are life altering, life taking cancers.

So much pain and suffering going on and I think all of them would trade places with me in a heartbeat and here I waste the time I have. I'm not promised a tomorrow and if my life were to be taken suddenly tomorrow all I can think about is how much time I wasted. Computer, worrying, cleaning.

Time not spent where it really matters...

Smelling the flowers, enjoying sunsets and sunrises, the sound of laughter, painting, taking pictures.

Praying and praying.

Love and loving.

Oh and my grandbaby melts my heart away.



Friday, March 08, 2013

Not just a quote from a movie

“For if you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners to be corrupted from their infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded from this, but that you first make thieves and then punish them.”
― Thomas More, Utopia

I have been thinking about this quote for a few years. I didn't read it in Utopia, I heard it in a movie, "Ever after." It hits close to home with me, not because I am a theif, but because of insecurity.

People since birth have made me insecure, people find ways to do it now.....Then, I am punished for what they have made me to be.

It's kind of sad really, but true.

I keep waiting for God to change me and it never comes.

I don't like being insecure at all manipulation does that over time. You find yourself not talking, not emailing because no one listens to what your say or you are told it's not important.

As before I say it again, being hit was easier than words. Words can't leave my mind and I can't forget them as hard as I try.

Words since I was 9 still affect me, I wish I were someone else.

Someone important.

Trying to make myself believe I'm important to anyone, even God.

Just not happening.

I finally slept good. Had an amazing dream.....oh well.