Wednesday, March 13, 2013


Randomness of thoughts, what ifs?

What good do they do?

What if I had a chance to do things over? What would I change? Can I still change things? Would I have the courage?

What if my life as I knew it was flashing in front of my eyes?

What if I had a terminal illness and my own mortality was staring me right in my face?

Would I be sitting in this chair writing this blog or even thinking about the internet?


What if I would have found God earlier and my marriage as in shambles as it was could've been saved?

What would I be doing today? Where would I be living?

What if I would've went to school and became the nurse that I wanted to be?

What hospital would I be working at?

What if I would've found God early, early in my life just before all of the bad stuff?

Would it of mentally screwed me up so bad?

What if my dad would've never married Mary?

Would I be over there visiting him right now and having the dad I have always longed for?

What if my mom would've never married David?

Would I of learned that not everyone is a crap weasel and been able to trust people.

What if Juan (big)never hit me?

Would I like people being physically close to me? Not wanting everyone to stay away?

40 years of what ifs and just a lot of sadness in my heart. So many people around me sick with cancer. Only a handful are mild, the rest are life altering, life taking cancers.

So much pain and suffering going on and I think all of them would trade places with me in a heartbeat and here I waste the time I have. I'm not promised a tomorrow and if my life were to be taken suddenly tomorrow all I can think about is how much time I wasted. Computer, worrying, cleaning.

Time not spent where it really matters...

Smelling the flowers, enjoying sunsets and sunrises, the sound of laughter, painting, taking pictures.

Praying and praying.

Love and loving.

Oh and my grandbaby melts my heart away.



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