Saturday, November 29, 2008

I know it's been awhile

Been busy, been hectic. I think I wrote about my ankle swelling... went to the Immediate Care Center Wed. Night, had a stress fracture in it. Told me to stay off of it, but I haven't have been walking anyways. Not on the treadmill but around the neighborhood.

I'm very tired and very, very stressed. I have had kids non stop at my house since Wednesday night. We aren't talking one kid... This is what my house has looked like since Wednesday, take out tyler and Juans girlfriend who come in and out
Add my 2 dogs who off the excitement do this play fighting thing non stop... today I have a migraine UGH
I have no door on my bedroom. Juan is mad cause I said no on Jordan coming over. He gives me 20 kinds of grief... I think I have been more than kind to allow these boys over every day and they have also stayed all night. It's been 4 days... why aren't the other parents having them all over?

I haven't felt real well today, I Have a migraine. The noise.. the boys were constantly nagging me for haircuts, so I went and walked 2 miles then came back and cut their hair.....

I had a hard day yesterday. I spent alot of the day crying, just feeling like I am burden to everyone and that I'm not worth anything. The side effect of words. So, I go to moms, spend some time over there, clear my head.....

Today, Kyle and I were sitting down talking. The subject of Elmer comes up. Some of you may know of Elmer, some of you may not know of Elmer... Anyways... I had been talking on the phone with Elmer or something I dunno and Kyle said something about "I'm not stupid I have eyes and ears that still work" Okay.... So your eyes and ears still work... I haven't hidden anything. Elmer does not live in KY and I have never met him... So, I dunno what the deal was but Kyle said something to the effect of "Poor Elmer has to put up with you and doesn't even get any"
I was crushed. Absolutely crushed. Talk about insensitive comments... Then something was said about hunting and Elmer is away hunting and then Kyle said "Aw you gonna make him give up his hobbies too" I didn't realize I ever made Kyle give up any of his hobbies...That baffles the living crap out of me. So then he said "Poor Elmer, tell him to call me and we will compare notes"

I put my Ipod on and went out to cry.
I already feel awful about myself... I have been trying to pick myself up. I already feel like a lousy piece of crap and I haven't even done anything wrong. I don't think not loving someone justifies the hurtful comments. I was with kyle for 12 years and only Kyle. It's not like I was some lot lizard traveling around and around...comments that were so unwarranted and certainly not deserved.

I asked him what he wanted to know about Elmer, instead of just taking wild guesses about what he thought was going on...People always think they know everything. I didn't even know Elmer 2 years ago when all the divorce talk started.. I didn't even know Elmer a year ago when things got really bad... I didn't even know Elmer 6 mos ago when our house was hell on earth...

I absolutely am hating having to explain my actions and things I do to a man I am no longer married too. We should not even be living in the same house but for circumstances which are out of both our control we have to for awhile longer. It makes it tougher all around. Im tired of explaining myself period, seems people already have it in their head what they want to believe or what they think they know... so why bother. Like I said, I always feel like I am a burden to everyone all the time. Words hurt people.

So, on the way to moms yesterday, some trucker was driving like a maniac and I had to swerve from being hit .... Then out of no where, the thought pops into my head that "well, if i got killed that would probably be a big relief for alot of people" Why would I even think such a thought? I don't know where it came from at all, but it bugged me.

Then today.... I realize where it comes from. Words have beaten me down.

It's tiring trying to climb up after being knocked down repeatedly and repeatedly.... Good thing now I have help up that mountain, because I would've just fallen.

Onto a brighter note, I took some pics of Savannah at Thanksgiving and thought I would share
Happy Saturday
The sun is shining....still

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