Confessions of a first time mall walker

Okay, I tried to walk the hood yesterday afternoon, but it was freezing and snow. It didn't work out. I devised a plan... I'll wake up in the morning, get Savannah off to school and go......... MALL WALKING insert flashing lights and cool sound effects in there when saying that.

.... I get to the mall.... I had no flipping clue mall walking was a cult of sorts for senior citizens. It was worse than Krogers on Wednesdays. I felt so out of place. Had my purse, my green tea, my ipod....

I merge into the oncomming traffic... there were so many people in matching pants and jackets, I started checking them all for sponsor patches. I expected to see Metamucil sponsors or oat bran... but nothing. I didn't know how the mall walking worked. The confusion on my face must've been obvious because a lil lady walked past me, very quickly I might add, then turned and came back to me...

"Are you new here" she says... "Aye!" I say... So she gives me the low down on how many times is a mile and every nook, every cranny. Told me I was going to burn up in my clothing, my shoes were the wrong kind for that floor and that she had a cherry tomato hemorrhoid on her rear end, so she's doing all the walking she can before the removal of her bodily fruit. "Alma" seems to have a ton of friends around here, they are all talking to her in some 'wall malking' code LOL and she's fast......after she fills me in she takes off.

Was like a Derby.. This lil man on a walker leaves me in his dust and catches up to Alma and her cronies... I wish I had my camera.. It was so packed... I get behind this one lady and her hubby I guess, I couldn't pass them at my pace, but OMG she kept passing SBD farts... I was in her wind and omg I don't know what was wrong with her, but omg.... I would pass her and then she would pass me and pass gas at the same time... I have a very easy gag reflex and started gagging and trying not to throw up... So they all turn to go down a corridor, I don't go down the corridor to avoid the stink bombs... Alma pokes her head out behind a Trout of Northern America Calendar and tells me that I need to do the corridors... How do I say.. Um Alma.. the lady keeps passing gas... So the lady catches back up.. Alma pats her on the back and says "Petunia, good to see you" ..... Okay is it a joke that fart lady is named petunia or is her name really Petunia? I break away from Alma and Petunia and move a lil faster....

2nd time around, Alma was right my feet are killing me... I open my phone to check the time... Here comes Alma... "You need one of these " She says pointing to the gadget on her arm with a clock, radio, blood pressure and who knows pill dispenser... I was not amused...
On the 2nd time around I slowly started feeling the urge to go to the bathroom... OMG I was following these people developing their habits... I saw the food court up ahead.. All the men gathered at a table, one chair empty.. All of them right in front of Victoria Secrets probably oogling over the panties in the window. All of us walkers are heading the same direction ... to the bathroom. My Gosh, I have old people bladder... Wait in line, toilets flush.. round 3 begins.

I was burning up hot, Alma was right... She comes past me again, "you need to leave your purse in the car" Under my breath I whisper "Shut up Alma, you have a mater' growing on your ass " My feet were killing me... Alma mater' ass was right. Then low and behold behind the same trout of Northern America Calendar comes Petunia... She is in front of me... this time lets loose an audible fart... I thought I was going to vomit on myself. I eventually make it past and then get closer to the food court and OMG I have to pee again.... The same group of ladies and mens all head for the restroom again. It is for certain, I now have old people bladder.

So I come out of the bathroom, the mens all still oogling at the VS pannies... one chair still open... All this place lacks is bingo balls and a caller... I head out for another lap, no petunia, no alma... Ahhh.. Quiet walk. I spot Santa off in the distance...I say good morning to him as he is preparing to sit in his chair for the day. He says "Ya mall walking?" I say "indeed" He says "I never mess with em" Evidentally he's met Alma and Petunia..

So I enjoy my last lap, come to the food court to close out my mall walking trip... the same group of men... In the empty spot ALMA... She is the mall walking cult leader. Kinda like the Hale bop of the mall.. I did not want any of their kool aid. My bladder full again.. I run to the restroom again..... then decide to leave before I develop menopause....

I hate cold weather... I miss my hood walking. Not sure if I will go back for more mall walking. May have to go at a different time.

Happy Friday.
Good luck having the mater' cut off your rear Alma...
Petunia... See a Dr about whatever died in your rear.
Life is good..
The Sun is Shining
Love,
Di