Haven't been updating much as of late. Just haven't been home.
So much has happened over the past week and a half or so since I have written, I'm not sure even where to start.
I'll start with God =)
I love him. He is teaching me so much lately and making me deal with things I haven't dealt with ever. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy. Dealing with things you swept under the rug for years and taking the rug off.....lets face it, it's hard.
What I'm learning though, is that by uncovering stuff I never dealt with is that it's empowering. Taking the first step forward is scary, but I know that God is with me as I take them. Sometimes when I'm thinking of something sad or scary I'll simply say "God are you with me?" "I am" he says. ALWAYS. I have never NOT heard him say nothing.
I'm at a place in life I could've never of imagined. Stuff had power and control over me because I lived on my emotions. Slowly I am learning to not live by emotions, but to live the way God wants me to live.
I am growing so much as a person, sometimes I can't believe it's really me. Satan bugged the fire out of me at first, saying all the things the men and sometimes women have said about me in hurtful ways. It would take me back down and God would build me back up. I had to keep reminding myself that He who is in me, is greater than he who is in the world. John 4:4 Say it, write it, rinse, repeat. God is bigger than all that. I say over and over I am not who they say I am. I am who HE says I am.
I am loved. I am forgiven. The labels others have stuck on me are being removed. Reading Gods word, knowing the truth from him is very empowering.
I was weak, but I'm not anymore. I did need someone to do everything for me, but I don't anymore. I felt like I was nothing, but I'm not anymore. I can do all things.......ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
A lot of men, well every man who has been in my life has taken advantage of the fact that I was weak in a lot of areas. They would push me down and say things to me to push me further down and give them the upper hand. Every relationship I have been in with a man up until this point has been like a tennis game. Seems like the ball went back and forth, back and forth. Sometimes the ball was in their court, rarely it was in mine. When it got in mine, they made sure to get it back to theirs, til eventually they held the ball all the time and I had nothing.
I realize that in normal, healthy relationships there is no ball going back and forth. If he has the ball, he brings the ball to me and if I have the ball I give the ball to him.
I never knew what love was, til I knew what love was NOT.
I know now. God is love. Live your life trying to emulate Gods love to others. Give love, receive love. Not any of the false love. Not any of the mind games.
Truly love someone and don't for a second think you aren't worthy of love. If you think you have to play some game with someone to get their love, it isn't love.
Love is NOT a game. Love is a beautiful thing when done right, done freely, done without expectation.
God has the power to make us love Him. He could force every single one of us to love Him. He doesn't why?
Because when someone chooses to love you, just for who you are, the feeling is incredible.
He gives us the choice to love Him.
I felt bad because I ignored him for so many years. Only running to him when I wanted something. I still drift away from Him somedays.
I catch myself drifting and go running back, quickly I might add, to the one who will never stop loving me.
I served Him the ball and He served it back.
Willingly he served it back, even if I tried to keep the ball, he wouldn't stop sending more. He'd not only give me one ball, He would give me so many balls I could fill the earth with them.
That's what's so amazing about Him. I don't deserve all those balls, but He gives them to me anyway.
I could sit here all day and tell you how much I love Him. How much I don't deserve His love.
That's the gospel......... He gives it to me anyways. Love. True Love.
HE LOVES ME. I don't deserve it. None of us do, but He gives it to us anyways. He loves us that much.
I absolutely, without a doubt, love my God with all my heart and all my soul.
He is the reason I wake up and breathe every morning. He is the reason my children wake up and breathe every morning. He is the reason the sun rises and sets. He is the reason the stars hang in the heavens.
He IS and I love him.
Pass it on!