Well, this winter sucked. I haven't blogged at all...When do I have time?
I have entered into a season in my life of sheer frustration. I am actually sitting here crying right now b/c my insides are all turned about from frustration. I have been sick with the flu to start with and I'm not sure that can ever end well. Before the flu, I was frustrated.
I go through my list of things like I normally do....Elmer, no...Kids, no...mom or dad...no...lonely? no...I have no idea why this round of frustration.
The pressure is on all around. I don't want to have to live with my son my whole life because of not being able to be self-sufficient. I have the fear looming over my head all the time that dizziness could be back any second and as it did before it can take everything I have and destroy it into a million pieces once again.
Maybe that's it...Maybe it's having something over my head at all times....Looming around, hovering around and it can strike at any moment and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing.
Judging from the amount of tears I have right now, I'm guessing that's it. I prayed about it for years and I guess it's one of those things that God isn't going to answer, just get me through and I don't wanna just get through, I want it gone. I want guarantees that I can live my life like normal.
It's not fair that everything can be taken away and I'm trapped and stuck in this same place. It's like saying I'll never be any better than I am right now. I hate that fear, I hate always having something looming over me. I see an upping of my meds in the near future.
Take so much til I am numb and feel nothing.
Please pray for me, that I can find some way to deal with this crap. I miss the days of being afraid of thunderstorms.