Thursday, October 14, 2010


Proverbs 16:18-19
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud.

Yes, I'm guilty of it. I have received countless emails, phone calls, texts about my blog and why it's closed. The only answer I can give to you is my pride.

People read this where I express my deepest feelings and then in turn, they use those feelings against me.

Some people are so arrogant that they think everything I write is about them and that couldn't be further from the truth. I know quite a few people. Not everything in this world is about you!

Over the past few weeks I have been a bit (a lot) depressed. It wasn't from circumstances in my life, it was from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I haven't written much about it here, it's quite embarrassing to have it.

Some things happened a few weeks ago and it sent me into flash back stage. It's not like people are shell shocked and run all over the place screaming.......I just go back emotionally to hard times in my life and actually get the same feelings I got when I was in those situations. This overwhelming sense of desperation...Sadness, guilt. I replay the incidents over and over and have no clue why I'm even thinking about them. Thinking about what I could've done differently. When I was hit, when someone was manipulating me, when someone was saying harsh things......... Ring tones can trigger them, someone saying something or doing something can trigger them........People can trigger them.

No one understands. If you have your arm missing or something and people can see it, they are sympathetic towards you. If you have disabilities mentally, something people can't see......People are very ignorant to that and lack empathy in that department. They view you as weak, when they are the ones who made you that way in the first place.

Let me tell you.......The feelings are very real and it's very hard to deal with. Especially when you don't know what's going on and why you feel like that.

When I was removing people from my life, they were people who triggered flash backs for me. People who used me or hurt me so severely even the slightest word from them could send me down into a deep depression.

So, to not give them ammunition anymore, I turned my blog off. I missed writing and I missed sharing things, but I had to get back on my feet emotionally before I could start to write again.

When I last wrote, I wrote about someone doing something pretty bad to me, disrespecting me in a big way. Hurting me. I will lower my pride once again and say....It sent me into the stinking flash back mode. Depressed, crying......Not knowing what was wrong with me.

Therapy, therapy, therapy to remind me, nothing is wrong with me. Only them. Therapy to help me understand I'm not crazy, I have suffered a lot of abuse. It happens.

I did a lot of praying to God and He revealed as always so much to me. I always come out smarter. I'm out of that mode, I'm back to normal and praising God for delivering me.

That is not a fun place to be on any level.

Just bear with me if I don't write much, it's tough when people use your feelings as weapons against you. So, I'm going to be really careful about what I put here.

On a side note, my life is going fantastic. Juan finally got the help he needed with the right therapists and the meds they have him on are amazing!! The appointments are far away and it's a lot of driving on my part, but I'd triple the days and the drives if the results are the same.

His football is going fantastic, his school work is fantastic.

A true miracle indeed and praise to God!!



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