Monday, July 18, 2011

Vomit of words

I don't really know where to start other than to say BLAH!

Went to bed early last night so I could lay there and cry. Shortly before midnight woke up and cried again. I haven't cried in quite awhile because it makes me dizzy. Last night I didn't care. That's all I wanted to do.

I'm so F'in unhappy it's ridiculous. I'm stressed and resent everyone and everything that makes me unhappy. I resent people with easy lives. I'm angry.

I have no help and I'm sinking fast. Not just with God, I'm sinking at life. Fail 101. Who was I to ever think that my life could be anything other than it is?

My therapist basically "Told ya so" me on Friday. He continually told me before "How can you keep up at that pace?" I think "Why the hell can't I be normal and just deal with stress normally?"

One thing he did offer me that was some comfort was that my stress is not normal. He said it overwhelms him hearing what I have to deal with.

I just need help. Last night I got angry at God again, which really bothers me. He brought me to a life I loved last summer, to one I loathe this summer. But did He bring me? Did I take myself?

I'm mad at so many people. I really want a do over on life. Go somewhere give them my phone, my house, my car and say take this..........give me a new one. Give me one with people who actually care.

I cab't go back to sleep this morning because I just keep thinking about how am I going to fit all the stuff I need to in today. Juan called last night w/ a laundry list of stuff to do. I have to go to work and be dizzy. Anthony needs a ride to and from work. Football practice, dogs.........

I get pissed off that Brett died, I get pissed off Juans dad won't take on any responsibility. It all falls on me and I start questioning God with the "Why me?"

Throw Kyles crap in there.....When I was looking in the mirror last night I realized "I'm defeated"

I am. No time for exercise today because I have to do everything for everyone else. Made a list of the top stressors in my life and ugh....

Going back to community groups tomorrow and try to start to put my life back in the direction it was when I was happy last year.

Last summer was the best of my life. Wish I could have a repeat.

I think I'll send myself a big bunch of dasies at work. Daisys.......



No comments: