Monday, July 25, 2011

Off sick, lots O pondering

Have been sick lately. Long drawn out story of what happened, but I have laid in bed 3 days now. Not really any computer, a lot of TV and a lot of sleep.

My wheels keep going round and round about different things. Dizziness hit me again and I think to myself if I'm dizzy I'm no good. I had fears flash before my eyes of losing a job I love and being stuck inside this house on the computer which I hate.

I'm slowly trying to feed truth into myself about who I am and what I'm worth.

I have drawn a few conclusions this past 3 days. I don't want to be alone. I'm tired of it. I want someone to watch TV with, to hang out with...Just someone to do life with.

It kept flashing into my head that no one will want me if I'm dizzy and can't do anything. This lie has literally drained me. The one small hope I Held onto was the guy who came in my room when I was in the ER.

I was alone as usual. I was scared, tired and I dunno. Just blah. He was an EMS driver there transporting someone from that hospital to another one. He left her room and came into mine and just sat on the bed. I looked up and was like "Can I help you?" He said "I really just wanted to come in here and make sure you were okay." I told him I was fine.

Two more times he came in and I told him I had to pee. He said "I'm going to get permission to take care of you be right back" He slowly unhooked my heart machines, my IV and my other things and walked me to the restroom and waited for me.

We got back to my room and he hooked me up slowly so he could stop and talk to me. After that he stayed and talked to me for a bit til his partner was ready to go take the lady. Parts of me thinks he was just feeling sorry for me because I was alone, the other thinks "He was actually interested in me"

I really think he was, but trash talk in the back of my head says "No". It was nice, it was nice when he took my hand to lead me to the restroom. Just the compassion he showed towards me made me think so badly I want that. I don't want to do this life alone. I don't wanna be with people who hide the fact they know me.

Then I get worried that I'm going to be sick and that diminishes my value because I'm sick.

I sit here just crying because UGH! I wish my life were different.

I know it's what I make it, but how can I make it anything when I'm dizzy?

Confusion all around and I wish I had easy answers. At least I have some clarity of what I want more. It's all becoming black and white now instead of lots of gray.

Okay..........that's enough feelings for today.

Pray, pray, pray that I get well soon. Please.



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