The past couple of weeks have been doozies!
As I wrote last week, it's been a time filled with anxiety, sadness, crying, confusion...... I think there wasn't much left out of the potpouri of feelings.
We had death anniversary's, birthdays, parting of ways, son leaving off to college, sickness, exhaustion, changes all around, school starting. Sheesh.
My life got so rocky for a couple of weeks and I won't hesistate to say it is still a bit rocky now.
In the middle of an emotional tornado, not only does God decide to prune me of something quite huge, He goes silent.
Oh boy let me tell you what. I am 6 months into being a Christian and He really put me to the test the past couple of weeks.
I had an issue that I had been on the fence about for awhile, never dealt with so to speak......God says "Okay, it's time to get rid of it." I'm like "Huh?" So, again He says so sweetly "You wanna be in the desert 40 years or you wanna cross over?"
I got to thinking about this and I tell Him, "I wanna cross over, but you are asking me to do something that's impossible"....God then goes on to say "Without me......it's impossible, BUT, I would never ask you to do something that I wouldn't give you the strength and courage to do."
I reluctantly agree and then God goes pretty much silent. Day one comes and I'm back tracking like crazy, thinking maybe that was just me talking and not really God.......I ask God to give me confirmation if it was really Him.
I wait patiently, then I wait not so patiently. My life at this point takes a turn for the worse. If it could happen and it was bad it did. Everything going wrong, God is quiet.......I must've chosen wrong. It must not of been God.
I lay crying in my bed and ask God again "Am I doing what you ask?" He says "You are. You can't see what I see, you can't think what I think, you can't know what I know" So, I ask again "Will you please send confirmation that I am doing what is right."
Another day passes, everything and I do mean everything is going wrong. I at this point want to smack Murphy and his law.......What I am giving up it doesn't feel right. It feels wrong, I don't like it.....None of it feels right. God is still quiet, very, very quiet. I at times just have to ask "Are you here?" "I am" as He always says, but nothing else.
So.........Then after everything has gone wrong, I feel like my life is falling apart I run crying to God again.........."God this can't be right." and I go on to say "I haven't seen this in the bible anywhere etc".... He replies "When did you become such an expert on my word?" I shut up quickly, asked again for conformation and then asked Him to please have mercy on me. I told Him that I was being obedient and how very hard it was for me and told him all I'm asking for is for some confirmation....
At that moment I got it. A TV show was on......Talked about the Israelites and how it took them 40 years to make an 11 day trip. Then she went on to say "When you are giving up something from the flesh, it never feels good. When you are giving up something for the spirit, your flesh will ache. That is HOW you know it is right."
I cried at that moment and then thanked God profusely.
I would like to say after that everything turned around and my life was all happy, happy, joy, joy........But it's not.
I had the worst birthday I have ever had in my entire life. The absolute worst. I have had stress after stress. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm still confused.
I had a moment again yesterday where I asked God if I am still doing the right thing and he sweetly said "You are and I'm not going to change my mind."
He wouldn't ask me to do something unless it was for my own benefit. I have to keep telling myself this over and over.
It's hard to be obedient. It's hard to give things up. I have been pruned so much this year and had so many changes. It's proof there is a God because on my own....I am not strong enough to give these things up. If you know me, you know this is the truth.
With God ALL things really are possible. No matter how they may look to you.
At times this strength overwhelms me and the tears leave me and I wonder....What happened? It's God.
I get upset at myself and can't believe I keep questioning if it's the right thing to do and it's hard to remember that God isn't human. He doesn't think like humans and He said it best to me "His ways are not my ways."
Isaiah 55:8-9 (New International Version)
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
I'm fighting Him so much on something that is for my own best interest. I'm tired of wandering in the desert. I'm ready to cross over, even if that means I have to prune 20 more things or people out of my life.
Keep me in your prayers and pray that God gets vocal for me soon. I miss Him. I take for granted the times I can hear Him so freely. I guess if I were able to hear Him every day so freely I wouldn't appreciate Him as much. I miss Him.