Well Melzie and I were on a no negativity campaign......Yesterday for awhile hers went to hell in a hand basket and I followed her right on down.
I have no idea what happened. None. I'm lost again. Last night I laid in my bed, typical for my downward spirals and got angry at God. Why? Who knows. I will admit I wasn't very nice......He tried to talk to me and sadly I went something like this."You ask me to do this stuff and then I don't hear from you and now I'm down, down, down and you want to talk?" then I followed it with a "Just leave me alone."
Talk about feeling awful for saying those things. Those feelings just amplified what a piece of crap I am, sending me even further down. I cried myself to sleep (suprise) and woke up.
Tried to be positive but couldn't. I couldn't wait to get the kids dropped off at school and out of the car so I could just cry.
I was on a real pity potty today. No shame in admitting it, we all get on them. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm frustrated and I just want to be loved.
I get back in the car and God loud and clear (It's been weeks since I have heard Him like that) "Lay it on me" I of course say "I don't feel like talking about it." and God sweetly says "Come on, tell me."
So.........I burst out into this sobbing......Telling Him how He asks me to do these things and I fail repeatedly. Fail over and over and over. I need His grace every 15 seconds because I am epically failing at everything. I told Him I do all this stuff because I just want to be loved. He sweetly says "You are." I say to Him, "How can you possibly love me? I'm a mess......I do everything wrong, I screw up every 15 seconds, I say the wrong things, I do the wrong things......I can't understand why you would love someone such a mess."
Sweetly He says "I love you because you are a mess." "Huh?" I say????? I go on to tell Him that I can't understand by human standards of loving someone because they are a mess. Ah...."unconditional love."
Sadly I do not understand the concept of love. When I think I have it, I do not. I honestly don't understand what it is. I tell this to God.... "God, I don't understand this love you want to give me, how am I supposed to even know you are giving it to me if I don't know what it is?"
He says "Wait on me." Then I tell Him "That is like you telling me you are going to send me this really rare insect from Indonesia and insects are all around me in every form........How is it possible that I would even know what it would look like because I don't know? If one comes up I had never seen .....Is that it? No, because now here comes another one I have never seen. How do I know? What does it look like?"
It's pretty pathetic that one can't know what true, real, unconditional love is.
So, I say again to Him "How? I don't understand?" He says to me "You don't need to understand, you can't understand."
So, I say "So basically I'm just waiting for something that I don't know what it is to just come my way."
"Yes" He says. "Be still and know that I am."
Again, "God, I don't understand what you are asking me to do, what do I do next?" He says "You go home, you go to your appointment and every minute you will do something different."
"Huh?" I say again. "Take my hand and just follow where I take you" He says.
"Well, what if I go somewhere wrong?" I say..........."You can't go wrong if you have taken my hand. I won't let you fall any further than I can catch you. My hand is out and I will catch you, so just walk with me."
I go silent because I just don't get it. How does one just not do anything and just sit and wait?
I guess I'll take it minute by minute and keep calling out for His grace as I need it. The past few days I have needed it quite often.
I will say that when I came inside I have a peace washed over me that can only be God.
Amazing......."He loves me because I'm a mess."
I love Him too. I just can't understand His love of someone like me. /Shrug.
Okay Melzie.....I'm ready to dust myself off and get back on my Positive Polly horse. Trading Negative Nelly in.
I love you God. I'm sorry for being such a brat.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Your Messy Dianna