I asked God to reveal to me, why I am like I am. Why I have such a difficult time not only accepting love from people, but accepting His love.
Little by little things are revealed to me, moments and things taken from me when I was a child. All those things taken both big and small, made me become who I was. Those things made me feel like I was undeserving of anything, even undeserving of love.
God has taken on the task to reverse all this. He wants to heal every single heartbreak. He shows me what happened and shows me "The absolute TRUTH." Like untying a huge knot. He does it perfectly with grace and with ease. I feel so much better after each knot gets untied. He truly is a master at whatever He does and He does not fail. Ever.
It's amazing how He does it. Simply amazing.
When I was a little girl, all I dreamed about was being this fancy bride. I used to use my First Communion veil and pretend I was getting married. Of course I used to marry Ponch from CHIPS and Bo and Luke Duke. The guy sometimes changed, but the wedding didn't. It was this beautiful event! Horse drawn carriages, me in a big beautiful gown, lots of people and a huge cake, the groom at the end of the aisle who loved me so much that he wanted to marry me!
Last night something came on TV and a bride came on, out of no where tears just flooded my eyes. I always wanted a real wedding. A big wedding with a dress, a church, father and daughter dance..........The whole she-bang.
My wedding was getting married in a blue polka dot dress borrowed from my aunt on some court house steps in front of statue.
When I got engaged I was so excited!! I went to my dads first to tell them and my step mom immediately said "Don't expect your dad to pay for any of this or help in any way."
If you could hear glass breaking, I did in that moment. Once again she took away a dream I had. I get so mad at times and wonder what gave her that right to take that dream away from me? What did I do that was so bad for her to take so much from me and leave me this shell of a body that believed she deserved to be hated?
I heard those words and closed my eyes and saw her daughter,Debbies wedding which happened a couple years later. They paid for everything. She had this beautiful dress, a gorgeous veil. For whatever reason (probably to rub it in) they called me to go to Debbies last fitting. I sat there behind them, crying because she looked beautiful. She always got what I wanted. Always.
Her wedding was beautiful, they asked me to be in it, so I got a front row view of the wedding I was denied.
I was sad. Big limos, fancy dresses....Sad.
What made me cry wasn't remembering the wedding. It was remembering the father daughter dance. She danced with her dad and then they had a second dance for my father and her. I looked over at the dance floor and saw them dancing and without hesistation I ran for the exit. I pushed people out of the way trying to get down the steps as quickly as I could.
I ran behind the building and cried for quite awhile. I know my step mother saw me run out and was probably laughing at me as I did. She's the one who took away my room, my wedding, my identity.....so much, but most of all she took away the one thing that hurt the worst. My father.
While I was crying I hear God say to me in His small still voice, "What's wrong child?" I told him the whole sordid story and told him how I just wanted to be a bride who deserved a big wedding and wanted to dance with my dad. I was inaudible at points. I was so sad. "Why Father (God), why did I not deserve a wedding? Why didn't I get to dance with my dad? Why did he let her take so much from me?"
I said "Papa, when I get to heaven will you dance with me?"
God whispered to me, "Let me show you what you deserve, I can dance with you from heaven child. Close your eyes."
I closed my eyes and there I was in the most exquisite wedding gown I have ever laid eyes upon! The floor flew out from underneath me and the stars became a dance floor. Every spin around the dance floor you could see the whole entire galaxy. The moon, the earth, planets I had never seen. The stars were shooting and sprinkling all over me and around me. It felt as if that was Gods love raining down on me in the most perfect fashion it could. In that moment I felt such intense love. Love like I have never known.
Flashes went before my eyes......I was dancing with Him as a small child, standing on His feet. Every stage, even the stages I hated myself, was there dancing with our Father. The stars falling on me at every age, the love overwhelming me at every age.
God looked down at me and kissed me so softly on my forehead and said "This child, this is what you deserved."
Right in that moment I fell asleep with the biggest smile on my face. The feeling in my heart was not only peace, but this mind blowing love. I wanted a father, daughter dance and He gave me one. A million times better than what I could ever of experienced here on earth. I wish you could've seen it. Breathtaking doesn't even describe it.
I LOVE HIM.
He reveals to me so slowly why I am the way I am. I never know what moment He is going to show me next, I only know they come at the oddest times and they are all moments where I felt like I was completely and utterly a waste of a human life. I felt like Invisible me.
I will treasure that dance always.
I love my Father!! I absolutely love and adore Him.
Now it's time to start working on accepting the love He shows me.
"I can dance with you from heaven child."
I have the BEST Father ever =)