What a journey I am on lately. It's amazing waking up every day finding out something new about myself. For the past 4 or 5 years I threw myself into whatever I could to avoid dealing with the pain I had inside.
Pain from the past, pain from the present.
Last Sunday was the worst day of my life, yet the best. My heart was broken. I cried and cried til I could not cry anymore. Only God could've saved me from that enormous hole I had in my heart that day. He did. I prayed like no other, prayed and prayed to please just for a few minutes stop this pain I am in.
At first I thought it was pain from breaking up with Elmer, but it wasn't. Elmer actually had very little to do with it. I realize I was using Elmer to keep from dealing with my own pain. He was a distraction. I knew I was doing the right thing by going my own seperate way, but I got scared because when it donned on me that we were indeed done......... I had nothing but the pain.
God had it all worked out. I couldn't walk, I couldn't talk. I could barely function that day and he picked me up. The next day I woke up and was a bit stronger. My head swirled with things I never dealt with. I have always had a guy for distraction and it's always been a guy with problems.
The book I'm reading now.........Amazing.
The therapist sending me to another therapist.........Amazing.
All these things I firmly believe were God. God getting my attention saying "Look girl, get it together"
I'm starting to accept everything that happened to me and deal with it, instead of just grabbing a guy and covering it up. Before when asked on dates I said "Yes" The past week I have turned down 3 knowing that I am not even close to being what I need to be to make a relationship work. It felt SOOOOOOOOO good.
Church Sunday, I was so apprehensive about going alone. But I went. He (the preacher) talked about lament. He talked about pain and suffering. He talked about how Jesus knows that pain and that suffering. He had people mocking him and beating him. He knows. When he looked up and said "Getting through the hurt, working through the pain......Your story isn't finished" It was hard to hold back tears. I guess I never realized that my story isn't finished.
I don't know what the future holds for me. Not in any fashion. But I know if I continue to work on myself and quit filling my time with things that distract me from my feelings, that my story can have a happy ending. It may or may not involve a man and that's okay. But it will involve me and God. =)
I struggle alot with decisions, not knowing if I am making a right one or a wrong one. Always second guessing myself. I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm not going to do things and be with people that I don't like because I feel there are no other options. Whether it's guys or girls(friends), if I don't like them ....... I'm going to get out.
Before I would just up and go cut someones hair, who I knew wasn't going to pay me or do something else like take pictures for them (people who didn't treat me well) and just do it for acceptance. I'm done. This will be the hardest struggle of all for me. Saying..........NO =)
Alot of I's in these posts, but I need to get right with God and myself. Faith the past few days has revealed its good works to me in ways I can't explain. I have that faith I lacked before. I'm starting to remember things that hurt and that I blocked out. I think about them, give them the proper attention and say to myself "It happened" No more blocking them out, no more not dealing with them.
I have a long road in therapy. Really, really long. But I'm on it. =)
I finally feel like I will know who I am and I am a really wonderful person. I need no one to validate that. I know what my thoughts are, I know where my heart is and I'm a wonderful person inside and out
A special thanks to my family and friends for being there for me and the special girl at church who saved me.